Whew this week has been a week.
2 weeks ago we found out we were expecting again. And the shock set it right away. After we had Corbin we had decided we were done and well I decided after many mixed emotions that maybe this little one was coming to shake up our world a little more for the better.
See even this this came very shocking to us we took it in stride not believing in abortion, and no way on earth could we give him/her up. We did what we believe is best step up and raise this baby. Our kids are more than cared for and this little one would have all the love in the world. I do believe that sometimes things come to us when we aren't looking for them.
Then the fear set in. Can I really go through this roller coaster of emotions again? What if? How? If I get happy something will happen!
Sunday afternoon after a trip to grocery store I came home and discovered I was bleeding. My heart sank right away and I knew in my heart that it was over as fast as the joy came. I'm now left with all these mixed emotions right now.
In the end we wanted this baby so much. And to hear my husband say this broke my heart even more! I feel like a failure one of the easiest most beautiful things on earth my body just cant seem to do right.
Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Things I already know the answer to but I'm in that pit of grief all over again. Its taking every fiber in my body to not collapse in pain.
This past 18 months has been more of a hell than I can describe. Sure my life has been enriched with many blessings and as I stated in my last blog I wouldn't trade Ethan to have my life back.
But allow me to wallow in my grief for a few.
My body is not back to normal at all right now and I sit here pondering all of this, and why my life is taking this turn.
How do you stay on top when it feels like every time you get up you get knocked back down?
All the pain my body is in reminds me of the way I came home from the hospital without Ethan. Empty handed, but yet so sore. Milk with no baby to feed. A bag full of papers and empty arms. The lovely phantom baby kicks all to remind yourself your baby is gone.
The joy in realizing Corbin would have a sibling close in age like the older two were and they have been best friends. Only to realize its all gone now.
The pain in knowing pregnancy sucks. The innocence is now gone. There is no time line in telling people anymore. Now its not that 12 weeks is the safe telling point, instead do you wait until your in the hospital?
So much emotion and only so much room in my heart for this pain.
This little one would have been named Emma Rae or Allison Rae and we were thinking maybe Colton Ray for a boy (using the male version of Rae).
Rae is after my beloved therapist, who has helped me in more ways than I can even say. I owe her so much and will forever be indebted for her compassion, love, faith, trust, understanding and tears. I know to some its a little strange to name your child after a therapist but this woman has been my rock and without her I really don't know where I'd be.
If we chose Allison it would have been after my OB would has been my god send through the past almost 3 years. I can't imagine not honoring both of these women.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Loving you
Today I was reading a blog from another Angel mom and it was all about the way our lives are altered now and our lives parenting an Angel Baby/Child.
All the inadequate feelings that we have in loving our Angel's.
The difference's we have with our earthly children and the one/one's who fly above us.
I have to admit I feel all of those feelings as well, and more often than I wish I had to.
See I can love Ethan with all I am and carry him within all I do on a daily basis. Working with NILMDTS I get to love and honor him in that way, when I talk about him, or a rare instance comes up and someone asks to see a picture (now I can't say that one has happened in a very long time). I can love him with every possible fiber in my body and say it over and over in my head and praying he hears me and feels the love I carry for him. I can carry all those memory's with me that I do have with me, but eventually those will fade little by little. I can tend his grave and keep little things out there, but usually that comes with the heartache knowing he really isn't there.
But I can't kiss a broken heart of his someday, I can't kiss a scrapped knee and know that for a moment he will feel mommy's kiss made it all better. I can't squeeze and hug him. I can't soothe his cries with a single song, I cant hold him and wonder what I can do to make things better.
All those physical things as human beings that we desire to show to other's especially our children. We don't have that. They always say actions speak lower than words. And boy this is one thing beyond our control we just can't do.
All the inadequate feelings that we have in loving our Angel's.
The difference's we have with our earthly children and the one/one's who fly above us.
I have to admit I feel all of those feelings as well, and more often than I wish I had to.
See I can love Ethan with all I am and carry him within all I do on a daily basis. Working with NILMDTS I get to love and honor him in that way, when I talk about him, or a rare instance comes up and someone asks to see a picture (now I can't say that one has happened in a very long time). I can love him with every possible fiber in my body and say it over and over in my head and praying he hears me and feels the love I carry for him. I can carry all those memory's with me that I do have with me, but eventually those will fade little by little. I can tend his grave and keep little things out there, but usually that comes with the heartache knowing he really isn't there.
But I can't kiss a broken heart of his someday, I can't kiss a scrapped knee and know that for a moment he will feel mommy's kiss made it all better. I can't squeeze and hug him. I can't soothe his cries with a single song, I cant hold him and wonder what I can do to make things better.
All those physical things as human beings that we desire to show to other's especially our children. We don't have that. They always say actions speak lower than words. And boy this is one thing beyond our control we just can't do.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Ramblings
I've been thinking for two days about a topic I want to write about. And after two days I can't think of one so I will just ramble about things I'm thinking about.
The first about healing. I guess when I lost Ethan I always hoped there would be this instant healing. I guess instant gratification so to speak. Whenever I read another Angel moms thoughts almost always I read some form or another about how they want to feel better but how guilt is lurking around the corner of happiness.
I think we tend to think "if I feel better it means I am forgetting". When in reality we can never forget can we? We really are our own worst demons aren't we. I'm mean we have been through a tragic, horrific event that is life altering.
And we can't even phantom allowing ourselves some peace, or even to think of the possibility of being happy again in a new way, without throwing yourselves under the bus saying things like."Oh my gosh how can I even think of being happy again?", "If I look or act happy it means I'm forgetting about my son/daughter", "I must be horrible to want to be happy again when I'm missing him/her so much", "how can someone ever be happy again after losing a child? I must be a horrible mother"
I think when we lose our child we want so badly to be able to feel happy just a little because we are drowning in despair. I know when I lost Ethan I wanted to know from anyone and everyone who could answer me when I would feel better? How long did it take? When really I don't think there is a time line. I know for some women its months, years and some who never really grieved it took a lot longer than that.
I know for me it wasn't until the past few months that I actually felt more happy than I do sad. Now that does not mean that I don't have my breakdown days, or that I don't see/hear/smell something that triggers all those emotions to come up.
I recently went to a funeral for one of my NILMDTS sessions little Aiden. And they played a song that I played so many times after I lost Ethan and the song that is on Ethan's video. And I was not prepared for the way I would feel. I felt consumed with my own grief for a few. I for seconds could see my son in the coffin, the flowers smelled the same way they did 19 months ago for me. It was bittersweet.
Healing is really a scab. Sure it heals but from time to time it will get bumped and bleed again and after some time and care of the wound it heals a little more. But only to get knocked again later.
In my opinion only 19 months after losing my son, I will say this. You will never really 100% lose that scab. It will always be there. But it does get easier as time passes to function in life again. To look at the brighter side of things, to enjoy life again. Will you ever be able to enjoy life the carefree way you did before losing a child? I'm going to say no probably not. You will now enjoy life to a much bigger capacity. You will enjoy life to its fullest not being so careless, you will love deeper, you will now appreciate all those things in life that most people take for granted. You will be able to pick up the pieces of your once shattered life and put them into place where they will remain for the rest of your life. Knowing you will always have your very own Angel on your shoulder.
This month I was so lucky to receive NILMDT'S volunteer of the month. I must say it comes with a little apprehension to say the least. I dont do it to be rewarded except the the rewards I get from doing this for other's. I don't do it so other people can say how great I am. I mean really I must say how great Ethan is. Without him I wouldn't be with NILMDTS. Horrible I know but it really takes a major loss to show us all those important things in this life. It really helps to put things into perspective doesn't it? Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? I'll go into that in a minute.
But Ethan has brought so much good into my life its amazing and I never once thought possible. Heck 19 months ago I asked myself why me? what did I do to deserve this? And I begged everyday and every night to the lord above to please tell me how to get Ethan back I would do anything.
I will not get the chance on this earth to ask God these questions. So in the mean time I might as well figure out what to do now? I still miss him more than I can even put into words, I would do about anything to get him back or even get just a few more minutes with him to tell him all I want to say. And to kiss his sweet little face just once more, rub the creases in his feet and touch his beautiful fingers one last time. But the truth of the matter is I cant and yes it sucks.
But Iv asked myself time and time again what I can do now. To heal, to continue Ethan's legacy and soften the blow for other parents. And well 4 months ago I found my niche.
NILMDTS- I have put my all into it, and I have received great rewards nothing tangible. But so many parents of Angel's Iv been able to connect with, so many little ones Iv been able to whisper in their ears before they left this world, so many beautiful little Angels that never got a chance but I was able to touch their little features in amazement and wonder not disgust like others would. See the black lips don't scare me like they would someone else. The satisfaction in knowing that I can provide a legacy for these little wingless wonders by a simple photograph.
This blog has also been a big thing for me as well. I come here and pour my heart out knowing that a lot of times from across the world someone is sitting here reading this with tears filling their eyes but they are nodding their head. And why because someone gets them. I get you, I feel your pain and I'm walking this journey from miles away or even continents but we are together. I may not physically be holding your hand through the roughest of waters but I'm there with you in spirit.
Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? Would I change all the things brought to me through Ethan in which Iv been able to live a much more fulfilled life? I don't know really but I going to say knowing only what I know now. Since losing Ethan I have learned how much this happens and how taboo it is to talk about it.
So I'm going to say with all that Iv learned and shared get ready to gasp I would keep my life as it is now. I will see Ethan again someday I'm pretty sure of that. Somedays I still have my doubts but I really think I will and then and only then I will really enjoy him with all that he has taught me through his brief yet amazing life. He has taught me so much about love, appreciation, life and I think Id be crazy to give that all up for a few years when soon enough I will spend eternity with him. Even just a few short months ago had you asked me this question I would have said yes Id trade it all please just give me Ethan back. But by doing this I think I would lose out on a lot. I know I will see him again and I will hug and never let go but he has taught me to open my heart bigger than its ever been before and most people that know me know I already had a pretty big heart. But now its filled with so much more appreciation, faith, desire to make the world a better place, love, compassion and that makes Ethan great. He has made me into a much better person.
Ill close with a poem that someone once shared with me.
To All My Angel Mom And Dad's ♥ Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones. No, you're not alone. I've been there. Don't fear the darkness. I'll be with you. We must take one step at a time. But remember, we may have to stop awhile. It's a long way to the other side And there are many obstacles. We have many stones to cross. Some are bigger than others. Shock, denial, and anger to start. Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness. It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done. It's the only way to reach the other side. Come, slip your hand in mind. What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands like yours. Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours. Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand In order to take the first step. Oops! You've stumbled. Go ahead and cry. Don't be ashamed. I understand. Let's wait here awhile so that you can get your breath. When you're stronger, we'll go on, one step at a time. There's no need to hurry. Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good. Look, we're halfway there now. I can see the other side. It looks so warm and sunny. On, have you noticed? We're nearing the last stone And you're standing alone. And look, your hand, you've let go of mine. We've reached the other side. But wait, look back, someone is standing there. They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones. I'd better go. They need my help. What? Are you sure? Why, yes, go ahead. I'll wait. You know the way. You've been there. Yes, I agree. It's your turn, my friend . . . To help someone else cross the stepping stones.
The first about healing. I guess when I lost Ethan I always hoped there would be this instant healing. I guess instant gratification so to speak. Whenever I read another Angel moms thoughts almost always I read some form or another about how they want to feel better but how guilt is lurking around the corner of happiness.
I think we tend to think "if I feel better it means I am forgetting". When in reality we can never forget can we? We really are our own worst demons aren't we. I'm mean we have been through a tragic, horrific event that is life altering.
And we can't even phantom allowing ourselves some peace, or even to think of the possibility of being happy again in a new way, without throwing yourselves under the bus saying things like."Oh my gosh how can I even think of being happy again?", "If I look or act happy it means I'm forgetting about my son/daughter", "I must be horrible to want to be happy again when I'm missing him/her so much", "how can someone ever be happy again after losing a child? I must be a horrible mother"
I think when we lose our child we want so badly to be able to feel happy just a little because we are drowning in despair. I know when I lost Ethan I wanted to know from anyone and everyone who could answer me when I would feel better? How long did it take? When really I don't think there is a time line. I know for some women its months, years and some who never really grieved it took a lot longer than that.
I know for me it wasn't until the past few months that I actually felt more happy than I do sad. Now that does not mean that I don't have my breakdown days, or that I don't see/hear/smell something that triggers all those emotions to come up.
I recently went to a funeral for one of my NILMDTS sessions little Aiden. And they played a song that I played so many times after I lost Ethan and the song that is on Ethan's video. And I was not prepared for the way I would feel. I felt consumed with my own grief for a few. I for seconds could see my son in the coffin, the flowers smelled the same way they did 19 months ago for me. It was bittersweet.
Healing is really a scab. Sure it heals but from time to time it will get bumped and bleed again and after some time and care of the wound it heals a little more. But only to get knocked again later.
In my opinion only 19 months after losing my son, I will say this. You will never really 100% lose that scab. It will always be there. But it does get easier as time passes to function in life again. To look at the brighter side of things, to enjoy life again. Will you ever be able to enjoy life the carefree way you did before losing a child? I'm going to say no probably not. You will now enjoy life to a much bigger capacity. You will enjoy life to its fullest not being so careless, you will love deeper, you will now appreciate all those things in life that most people take for granted. You will be able to pick up the pieces of your once shattered life and put them into place where they will remain for the rest of your life. Knowing you will always have your very own Angel on your shoulder.
This month I was so lucky to receive NILMDT'S volunteer of the month. I must say it comes with a little apprehension to say the least. I dont do it to be rewarded except the the rewards I get from doing this for other's. I don't do it so other people can say how great I am. I mean really I must say how great Ethan is. Without him I wouldn't be with NILMDTS. Horrible I know but it really takes a major loss to show us all those important things in this life. It really helps to put things into perspective doesn't it? Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? I'll go into that in a minute.
But Ethan has brought so much good into my life its amazing and I never once thought possible. Heck 19 months ago I asked myself why me? what did I do to deserve this? And I begged everyday and every night to the lord above to please tell me how to get Ethan back I would do anything.
I will not get the chance on this earth to ask God these questions. So in the mean time I might as well figure out what to do now? I still miss him more than I can even put into words, I would do about anything to get him back or even get just a few more minutes with him to tell him all I want to say. And to kiss his sweet little face just once more, rub the creases in his feet and touch his beautiful fingers one last time. But the truth of the matter is I cant and yes it sucks.
But Iv asked myself time and time again what I can do now. To heal, to continue Ethan's legacy and soften the blow for other parents. And well 4 months ago I found my niche.
NILMDTS- I have put my all into it, and I have received great rewards nothing tangible. But so many parents of Angel's Iv been able to connect with, so many little ones Iv been able to whisper in their ears before they left this world, so many beautiful little Angels that never got a chance but I was able to touch their little features in amazement and wonder not disgust like others would. See the black lips don't scare me like they would someone else. The satisfaction in knowing that I can provide a legacy for these little wingless wonders by a simple photograph.
This blog has also been a big thing for me as well. I come here and pour my heart out knowing that a lot of times from across the world someone is sitting here reading this with tears filling their eyes but they are nodding their head. And why because someone gets them. I get you, I feel your pain and I'm walking this journey from miles away or even continents but we are together. I may not physically be holding your hand through the roughest of waters but I'm there with you in spirit.
Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? Would I change all the things brought to me through Ethan in which Iv been able to live a much more fulfilled life? I don't know really but I going to say knowing only what I know now. Since losing Ethan I have learned how much this happens and how taboo it is to talk about it.
So I'm going to say with all that Iv learned and shared get ready to gasp I would keep my life as it is now. I will see Ethan again someday I'm pretty sure of that. Somedays I still have my doubts but I really think I will and then and only then I will really enjoy him with all that he has taught me through his brief yet amazing life. He has taught me so much about love, appreciation, life and I think Id be crazy to give that all up for a few years when soon enough I will spend eternity with him. Even just a few short months ago had you asked me this question I would have said yes Id trade it all please just give me Ethan back. But by doing this I think I would lose out on a lot. I know I will see him again and I will hug and never let go but he has taught me to open my heart bigger than its ever been before and most people that know me know I already had a pretty big heart. But now its filled with so much more appreciation, faith, desire to make the world a better place, love, compassion and that makes Ethan great. He has made me into a much better person.
Ill close with a poem that someone once shared with me.
To All My Angel Mom And Dad's ♥ Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones. No, you're not alone. I've been there. Don't fear the darkness. I'll be with you. We must take one step at a time. But remember, we may have to stop awhile. It's a long way to the other side And there are many obstacles. We have many stones to cross. Some are bigger than others. Shock, denial, and anger to start. Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness. It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done. It's the only way to reach the other side. Come, slip your hand in mind. What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands like yours. Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours. Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand In order to take the first step. Oops! You've stumbled. Go ahead and cry. Don't be ashamed. I understand. Let's wait here awhile so that you can get your breath. When you're stronger, we'll go on, one step at a time. There's no need to hurry. Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good. Look, we're halfway there now. I can see the other side. It looks so warm and sunny. On, have you noticed? We're nearing the last stone And you're standing alone. And look, your hand, you've let go of mine. We've reached the other side. But wait, look back, someone is standing there. They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones. I'd better go. They need my help. What? Are you sure? Why, yes, go ahead. I'll wait. You know the way. You've been there. Yes, I agree. It's your turn, my friend . . . To help someone else cross the stepping stones.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The comfort of touch
I was thinking about a few things the other day and was one how Iv made it to where I am with Ethan's loss, how/what things helped me succeed in becoming a person able to cope with this loss. There are people who just seize to exist after a loss such as this.
Well Iv known since day one that wasn't a choice. I have other children who need me. But I did find myself not to long ago just wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I loved my other 3 boys, but I also find myself longing very much for Ethan. My heart can become so heavy I feel its ripping at the seams at times.
I hated being in that place sitting and starring at a bottle of sleeping pills thinking what if I could make all this pain go away. It scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed to talk to someone. I knew that if I let if fester inside me that there was a possibility the pain would become too much and one moment could change everyone's lives around me.
Then I thought about what I found more comforting that anything. Its the comfort of touch.
If you've seen the commericals on tv I think its a diaper commercial but its the setting of a hospital with a brand new baby crying and the nurse touches the mom's shoulder, and then the mom touches the baby and the crying stops.
It then clicked. A few weeks ago I saw my OB Allison whom I'm very grateful for. Out of nowhere she hugged me and gave the the tightest, most comforting hug Iv had in a long time. She didn't have to do that, but she also didn't have to grab my hand as I left and give it a tight squeeze, but she did.
I'm amazed at the power of touch. It speaks volumes, even if not a single word is said by the other person.
It says "I'm here", "I care", "your important". All the things we want people to say to us, but sometimes they just don't know how to.
I think the other day when I hugged the mom from my session this all clicked even more. I could tell her a million times over and over how much I care, how much my heart is breaking for her, that I understand etc.. and I think the hug I gave her more than likely said all of that and more.
Instead a perfect stranger reached out and hugged her. I gave in return a tight hug. My eyes welling up with tears for her.
Its profound, empowering, practical, genuine its says everything you want to say but aren't sure how to.
Well Iv known since day one that wasn't a choice. I have other children who need me. But I did find myself not to long ago just wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I loved my other 3 boys, but I also find myself longing very much for Ethan. My heart can become so heavy I feel its ripping at the seams at times.
I hated being in that place sitting and starring at a bottle of sleeping pills thinking what if I could make all this pain go away. It scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed to talk to someone. I knew that if I let if fester inside me that there was a possibility the pain would become too much and one moment could change everyone's lives around me.
Then I thought about what I found more comforting that anything. Its the comfort of touch.
If you've seen the commericals on tv I think its a diaper commercial but its the setting of a hospital with a brand new baby crying and the nurse touches the mom's shoulder, and then the mom touches the baby and the crying stops.
It then clicked. A few weeks ago I saw my OB Allison whom I'm very grateful for. Out of nowhere she hugged me and gave the the tightest, most comforting hug Iv had in a long time. She didn't have to do that, but she also didn't have to grab my hand as I left and give it a tight squeeze, but she did.
I'm amazed at the power of touch. It speaks volumes, even if not a single word is said by the other person.
It says "I'm here", "I care", "your important". All the things we want people to say to us, but sometimes they just don't know how to.
I think the other day when I hugged the mom from my session this all clicked even more. I could tell her a million times over and over how much I care, how much my heart is breaking for her, that I understand etc.. and I think the hug I gave her more than likely said all of that and more.
Instead a perfect stranger reached out and hugged her. I gave in return a tight hug. My eyes welling up with tears for her.
Its profound, empowering, practical, genuine its says everything you want to say but aren't sure how to.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Comfort
I've done 4 sessions for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this week so far in a short 4 days. My grief counselor doesn't think its a good idea to take on so many and after our talk yesterday 2 came in today. I couldn't say no when my heart was screaming yes. So I did one of them the other I would of if I had a sitter for the boys.
I'm so so glad I went to the one today. A young girl with her mom. Sweet adorable baby girl, I held her, I caressed her skin and told her goodbye and how sweet she was.
I hugged the mom, the grandma and the friend. Iv never been hugged so tight in my life. I cried when I hugged her.
I connected with the nurse she was a sweet person as well her name was Allison and I have to say I only wish I would have had a nurse like that when we lost Ethan. This lady was amazing. I saw the tears in her eyes as we left the room.
Then as I left the tears came. I'm so angry for her why does this have to happen? I could see the love and devastation in her eyes. I could see her screaming on the inside.
Iv cried off and on all night. I'm just so upset this has to happen. Most of the sessions Iv done are 95% of them anyways are all boys. And here this perfect, warm little baby girl so beautiful taken before she could bloom here on earth.
My heart is heavy tonight. But it felt so good to connect with this mom. I told her its a roller coaster ride and Id be lying if it went away. It never does we just learn how to get through the days a little easier.
I told her to not fight her grief to go with the flow. Cry, scream, be mad etc. She deserves to have all of those feelings and not fight them.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I love Ethan to death and he is bringing beautiful people into my life. But it sucks that it has to happen like this.
I'm so so glad I went to the one today. A young girl with her mom. Sweet adorable baby girl, I held her, I caressed her skin and told her goodbye and how sweet she was.
I hugged the mom, the grandma and the friend. Iv never been hugged so tight in my life. I cried when I hugged her.
I connected with the nurse she was a sweet person as well her name was Allison and I have to say I only wish I would have had a nurse like that when we lost Ethan. This lady was amazing. I saw the tears in her eyes as we left the room.
Then as I left the tears came. I'm so angry for her why does this have to happen? I could see the love and devastation in her eyes. I could see her screaming on the inside.
Iv cried off and on all night. I'm just so upset this has to happen. Most of the sessions Iv done are 95% of them anyways are all boys. And here this perfect, warm little baby girl so beautiful taken before she could bloom here on earth.
My heart is heavy tonight. But it felt so good to connect with this mom. I told her its a roller coaster ride and Id be lying if it went away. It never does we just learn how to get through the days a little easier.
I told her to not fight her grief to go with the flow. Cry, scream, be mad etc. She deserves to have all of those feelings and not fight them.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I love Ethan to death and he is bringing beautiful people into my life. But it sucks that it has to happen like this.
Friday, October 16, 2009
A very amazing woman
Her sculptures are beautiful http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5663688
I think women like her everyday deserve to be recognised for their contributions to the world.
I think women like her everyday deserve to be recognised for their contributions to the world.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Healing can happen and it does
I think the roller coaster I experienced a few weeks ago was some what natural not all of it I'm sure. But I'm sure it will happen again but on a much lower level. This is the new "normal" we will all have some days really high highs and others really low lows.
I feel so much better actually and feel like a difference in my life has come from this all. I think I can accept what has happened and make some changes because of it.
I think admist grief as we have to experience we do not see the changes that we have made or the fears we have conquered. So I'm going to take the time to take in all of those things.
I never thought any of the things below I would ever be able to do after losing Ethan I thought life as I knew it was over. Sure Iv now molded into the same person with a bigger heart, more aware that tomorrow is not a guarantee, that I want to accomplish more in my life time than may even be possible. But I'm still me...
After losing Ethan I have been able to accomplish.....
*Getting over panic like attacks
*Get of the fear that I would die or my kids would, sure its going to happen someday, and maybe not in the order that life should be. But I'm not fear stricken over it now, and I'm not paralyzed by this fear.
*I'm learning to deal with my new life. Ethan is gone and I cant get him back Iv spent 18 months of endless begging for that. Now I know the question is now what? And that is a hard question. I mean really we don't want to think of now what? we are stuck in why me? But really I'm able to think now what am I going to do to make a difference and Honor Ethan's brief life?
*I'm now able to look death in the face and be a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and honor all of these little Angel's. Sure it can be hard but I think for me its part of the grieving process and its giving Ethan's life some meaning and value. Really I would not be doing this had Ethan not be chosen for me to carry next to my heart and love. I'm helping other mom's through their grief and I'm able to hold their hands while they get through the toughest part of the journey.
*I faced the biggest fear of sitting in the same room with someone who doesn't agree with the way we love Ethan. And I'm ok with him not understanding, he can't and I don't expect him to. That I think is a hard one. we never want to face another human being telling us our child isn't exactly who we think they are. We expect the world to understand, respect and live in the chaos we are. But Iv sense learned its ok he doesn't know Ethan and he doesn't love him, he has never lost a child so the level of understanding is going to be so different. I still think we deserve to be respected by others who have not gone through such a loss. But I am able to write it off if not and know I don't ever have to see that person again.
*I realize the importance in today and nothing else. I cant be sure tomorrow I will be here or that I wont lose someone else I'm very close to. But I can make sure for today that I let those people know I love them and the difference they are making in my life. I can try just for today and everyday that follows to be a better me.
*I love God again and I hated him 19 months ago. I mean I really hated him and I hated myself for hating him and questioning him. But I now have a much deeper relationship with God and I know someday I will get to meet my son again and hold him. I was baptised this year a huge move for me.
*Because of Ethan I am able to transform my life for the better and I'm not sure without him I would have taken the steps to do that.
The list could go on and I will add to it as time goes on but these are things that we should be proud of. And not let our grief cloud.
I feel so much better actually and feel like a difference in my life has come from this all. I think I can accept what has happened and make some changes because of it.
I think admist grief as we have to experience we do not see the changes that we have made or the fears we have conquered. So I'm going to take the time to take in all of those things.
I never thought any of the things below I would ever be able to do after losing Ethan I thought life as I knew it was over. Sure Iv now molded into the same person with a bigger heart, more aware that tomorrow is not a guarantee, that I want to accomplish more in my life time than may even be possible. But I'm still me...
After losing Ethan I have been able to accomplish.....
*Getting over panic like attacks
*Get of the fear that I would die or my kids would, sure its going to happen someday, and maybe not in the order that life should be. But I'm not fear stricken over it now, and I'm not paralyzed by this fear.
*I'm learning to deal with my new life. Ethan is gone and I cant get him back Iv spent 18 months of endless begging for that. Now I know the question is now what? And that is a hard question. I mean really we don't want to think of now what? we are stuck in why me? But really I'm able to think now what am I going to do to make a difference and Honor Ethan's brief life?
*I'm now able to look death in the face and be a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and honor all of these little Angel's. Sure it can be hard but I think for me its part of the grieving process and its giving Ethan's life some meaning and value. Really I would not be doing this had Ethan not be chosen for me to carry next to my heart and love. I'm helping other mom's through their grief and I'm able to hold their hands while they get through the toughest part of the journey.
*I faced the biggest fear of sitting in the same room with someone who doesn't agree with the way we love Ethan. And I'm ok with him not understanding, he can't and I don't expect him to. That I think is a hard one. we never want to face another human being telling us our child isn't exactly who we think they are. We expect the world to understand, respect and live in the chaos we are. But Iv sense learned its ok he doesn't know Ethan and he doesn't love him, he has never lost a child so the level of understanding is going to be so different. I still think we deserve to be respected by others who have not gone through such a loss. But I am able to write it off if not and know I don't ever have to see that person again.
*I realize the importance in today and nothing else. I cant be sure tomorrow I will be here or that I wont lose someone else I'm very close to. But I can make sure for today that I let those people know I love them and the difference they are making in my life. I can try just for today and everyday that follows to be a better me.
*I love God again and I hated him 19 months ago. I mean I really hated him and I hated myself for hating him and questioning him. But I now have a much deeper relationship with God and I know someday I will get to meet my son again and hold him. I was baptised this year a huge move for me.
*Because of Ethan I am able to transform my life for the better and I'm not sure without him I would have taken the steps to do that.
The list could go on and I will add to it as time goes on but these are things that we should be proud of. And not let our grief cloud.
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