Wednesday, August 28, 2013

5 years and all the wonders....

It's been five years of fighting for JOY, for learning to have HOPE and not despair.  The fifth birthday was a rather tough one.  A milestone birthday that came and went, we celebrated Ethan's life with the traditional balloon release and singing happy birthday along with a cake.  This years cake was a little different than last years but none the less I loved it!! And I loved that the lady who does Ethan's cake makes it a little special.  She put a board under the cake with planets and rockets and said she tried to find things that little boys Ethan's age would like.  She is a special woman none the less.  

Then another milestone came last week, the day my sweet HOPE baby would have started kindergarten.  I was a little sad to be honest, but I didn't allow myself to feel robbed as I normally would of.  Instead I remembered that while I may not get to be proud of the drawings, report cards, art work, mis-spelled words and crazy stories from my little boy!  I get to be so much prouder of all he accomplished before even getting to take a breath.  
My little boy was used in mightier ways than I could ever imagine.  And what's there to be sad about with that?

It's been some up's and down's but by far way more up's!! I miss Ethan and I carry Ethan in the very fabric of our family.  In everything we do.  Just because Ethan isn't here doesn't mean we don't want to remember him in special ways.  I will always live my life to honor God and the HOPE he has given me with my sweet HOPE baby Ethan.  
I remember being told from early on that time would make things better.  And I used to get so angry when I was told that.  Because I thought "how on earth could time replace my baby, what I wanted and what was taken from me?  I'll always hurt this way".

And really I am so thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ and what he has done with my heart.  Jesus really does bind up all our wounds if we allow him to.  

Psalms 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

Praise God he really does.  Does that mean I don't ache to hold Ethan?  That holidays, birthdays, 1st day of kindergarten don't hurt, 

Nope I want all of that and it hurts!  But now I am not breathless!  Jesus has not forsaken me, losing my son was not a punishment!  It's just the reality of the broken sin filled world we live in.

I am so blessed to have been picked to be Ethan's mom, that little boy was such a faithful servant to God and if he can be then so can I.  I will live my life out loud speaking of all the goodness God has not offer.  Not of the heartache and dreadful of this flesh and world we live in.

My little boy has changed lives and what more could a mom want from her child.  And what more could my father in Heaven want from me?  

I am here, I am willing and I want to show the world what a sweet little boy and Christ has done in me! 

Ethan my sweet boy!  You have been such a faithful servant and I can only hope to do as much as you have in my life time!
Thank you too Dee of Fall Child Photography for our family picture!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Almost 5 years in my new normal.....

This past Monday it hit me how the 5 year anniversary of Ethan's life came to a sudden halt.  An unexpected life changing event turned my world upside down.
I've been at so much peace the past 2 years and in a comfortable place with Ethan not being here with us.  Knowing he is with God and I will be with him again someday, that this pain is only temporary.  But lately it's hurting.
I think it's hurting so much because 5 years is a big milestone, because I am looking at what I am missing/losing out on.  But really it's just a long time to be without your child.

I think this year is hard because I realize I am missing a full blown child.  Ethan isn't a toddler anymore, he is a kid now.  He would have been in kindergarten this year.  So there will be no backpacks hanging on the hook for him, no walking a timid child to his first day of school.  5 years seems like when all my kids finally got some of the stuff of life but yet were so innocent.
I get to watch friends who's children are 5 go to school this year, and while I am happy for them my heart aches.
What would my little boy look like?  Would he like school or be scared? Who would his friends be? What kinds of things would he enjoy doing?

Its just a hard reality that every once and awhile I have to face.  A reality that sucks but yet has a promise of Hope attached.

While I know where my child is and that's a comfort I don't have to worry about, it's still hurts.  It's still hard to know I will always be missing something/milestones.

I am also 34 weeks pregnant with another couples baby, something I said I wanted to do after I lost Ethan.  And God allowed that to happen.  And I know it's only because of him I am able to do this.  But at times I feel a brief panic set in because I lost Ethan at 34 weeks and 2 days.  That's where I am now in this pregnancy.  And while I don't think a thing will happen to this little girl.  I am also not naive and I know nothing is in my control no matter how well I plan or take care of myself.

I just keep praying that this aching is just the anticipation leading up to Ethan's birthday......

Monday, February 13, 2012

Happy 4th Birthday Ethan my sweet Little Man

I think I often at this time of year find myself in a little despair, and saying how I cannot believe it's been this long and yet it seems so incredibly long ago.

The waves are less often that's a fact, but the one that came yesterday hit me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I found myself in a pit for awhile, one I wanted out of so desperately but yet couldn't climb.

I went by Ethan's grave in the morning and as my feet hit the crunchy sound of the snow, I felt my heart tremble. I walked along the snowy banks of the graves careful as always not to walk along the graves but above the headstones.

I felt a little bit of panic as I got closer to Ethan's grave. I don't visit often because I have grown from that need to parent his grave. I know he is not there, however I wanted to take his Valentines to him, and originally I wanted to read a quick story to him but it was too cold and I couldn't access his grave very well with all the snow anyways.

As I laid his bear and candies on his headstone I felt the need to bend down and place a kiss from my finger to his headstone as I so often did before. And the wave of grief completely knocked me over. I felt my kness buckle and the warmth of my tears flodd my eyes and roll down my face.

I headed back to the car and had a near mental breakdown. Thankfully God provided me with someone to comfort me and she just held me and prayed with me. But the first fifteen minutes of the car ride from there I felt like I was going to lose it.

A song came on the radio one I often love, where he is telling God he is not strong enough and he had given him more than he can handle. I felt the tears flood me again as I thought, "yes God, why? why me? I just want Ethan back. I know it's selfish but please just for a few moments"

And quickly I felt him remind me he was there and it wasn't too much and I had proven with him I was more than strong enough.

The day went smoothly from there. I came home and prepared for Ethan's party and was very humbled by the love of those around me. The gathering to celebrate Ethan's life was more of a testimate of God's faithfulness than anything. He knew what I needed this year and all those people who love my family and love Ethan even if they didn't know him were there to remember him.

I played his slide show and scanned the room a few times, a dear high school friend had tears filling her eyes, one of my nilmdts families had tears in their eyes. I felt a great sense of love at those moments, and pain again.

As I neared my speech I felt anxiety once again. I had been playing this over in my head over and over and yet, nothing I felt would come out the way my heart felt. My hands trembled and my heart made the words come out.
I can't even tell you what I said honestly, I was so caught in the moment the words just flowed.

But I will tell you that this is what I ment to or wanted to say.

One of my biggest fears in losing Ethan was over time people would move on, the world would go on rightfully so. But I was afraid since Ethan wasn't physically here he would be forgotten. And this year I am absoultely humbled by the love of those around me. Some of you have been by my side as my family, some friends of 19 plus years, some of you mentors, friends, friends who became family, my nildmts family, and flatirons church family. God has been so faithful and it has been one of the hardest trials of my life, but he has always been there. He provided me with each of you as a stepping stone through to the other side. And I am just amazed at all of your love for me and my family and a little boy who touched the world but his feet never touched the ground. I simply love all of you and I thank you.

The balloon release went off well with a few balloons finding their way into the trees again this year. His cake was beautifully done and the butterfly cupcakes complimented it so well.

My home and heart were beautifully crowded with love and God's outpour of love in our lives.

My sweet Ethan,
I miss you more than words will ever express, more than my heart can compherend. And yet, I know you are with our savior and your life there is more amazing than I will ever understand or than I will ever be able to imagine. I will find myself in joy and then in heartbreak until me meet again. Hopefully more joy through the years! Thank you for allowing me to be your mom, and for the wonders my life has embraced by your short life. God has a plan and he is doing so much incredible work in our lives here on earth, somedays it isn't easy, some days dibilitating actually but I am always quickly reminded of his love.

Ethan my sweet angel, give Jesus a kiss on the cheek for me and tell him thank you for all his blessings. Tell Zach mommy said thank you for sharing his mom with me too! I know what a true mother's love is like because of her.

Little Man four years ago I thought my life was over, how little did I know then. It was just beginning. Four years ago all I could see is what I was going to be missing and what I didn't have. Now I see the fruitful blessings because of you. Happy Birthday my sweet baby.

Monday, January 23, 2012

3 years 11 months 11 days

I can't believe it's been that long since I last held you Ethan, since my lips kissed your sweet forehead and kissed the curve of your nose between your eyes.

I miss you so much, I wish there were words to tell you other than I miss you. How much my heart and arms ache to hold you.

It seems so long ago, the nights are easier but lately I find myself struggling to find comfort in Heaven.

When i hold Nan's hand I am reminded of what she was once told. "Just as I am holding your hand now, one day you will hold his".

I can't wait for that day. I know Jesus is holding you and you don't have to deal with the pains of this world and for that I am grateful, but I still long for you.

I am blindsided often lately, by the passing of other little kids your age. And knowing again this year I don't get to buy you something your heart desires. Make your birthday cake, and love on you. Instead I get to send ballons to Heaven for you. Make you a cake you'll never eat.

And just wonder what you look like, what things you like to do, who your favorite friends are. What your personality is like? Sometimes it's just too much.

I just hope you know all you have brought into my life by simply the gift of being able to be your mom, Ethan.

I am so blessed.

Saturday night I sat and held baby Joseph and just stared at him in amazement at this thing called life. And felt so much joy for Julie, myself all of us really.

But I still miss you so much. I feel like I failed you Ethan. And if I could of saved you I would of little man I promise you that.

I would have died for your life.

Three years, 11 months and 11 days ago, I sat in complete and utter nieveness that you would be taken from me. I didn't think it was possible I would lose you, that the warm place that was suppose to protect you, help you thrive would kill you. I had your baby shower, sat in a room full of people so excited for your arrival and your two brothers who couldn't wait for a baby brother.

Who knew my world would be absoltuely turned upside down? I never thought I would have to teach your brothers about death so early. Blake misses you a lot. He always tells me how he wishes you were with us, I remember last year Aiden said he was sad, that we were making you a cake and you couldn't have any. I know they get the unjustice of death. That breaks my heart.

Soon Ethan someone special will be joining Heaven. He is the father of our pastor at church. I hear what a great man he is. Hopefully you will get to be with him.

Ethan, do you know Zach? I hope so. He is my bestfriends son. He died when he was three and a half. I hope you two are running around heaven, chasing the butterflies and living a life we cannot even compherend. Nan is someone pretty special to me Ethan. I cannot even begin to explain her to you. All I know is that, through your loss God has done some amazing things. Things that aren't so easy, that make my knees buckle and me want to quit. And then he brought people into my life whom I cannot now begin to imagine a life without.

At shift on Friday I talked about you. I told them how amazing you are, how amazing our father God is. How as much as I miss you, and somedays I just think I can't handle this anymore. I am brought to my knees with so much joy, love my heart feels it might explode. And if God was to tell me right now that I had two choices. One to get you back and have my life as it was before your loss, or to wait until I see you in Heaven and have my life now. I would keep my life now. Now Ethan that does not mean I don't love you. I just love you so much and I love your siblings so much I know this is the best option. I have learned so much about me and my life since I lost you. That it would be hurtful to get you back and go back to my unstable life with God, my past filled with so much dysfunction I didn't know where to start to fix it.
I have to fix a lot of stuff now and work on it so I can make it more possible for all of us to be a family in Heaven someday. I made people cry at shift telling them this. Most people think I am nuts, I have been actually told that. But Ethan I love you that much, that I don't want you to know the pains of this world.

I don't want your brothers and sister to either, but they are here now and I will do my very best to try to bring them to God and establish a relationship of Hope with him, and give them a gift I wouldn't of otherwise been able to had everything gone the way we expected it to with you.

God and you have taught me so much about this thing called Heaven, Life and I have a Father because of your life.

Please know I love you, even if I cry it's because I love you that much. Because knowing you are where you should be isn't always easy to accept. Right now I am struggling a lot and sometimes just wish I could be with you more than anywhere. I cry a lot, I feel a deep ache in my heart a lot. And I am reaching out for help too so don't be worried.

Ethan sweet Little Man, may you know one of my greatest blessings was you. I love you baby boy! Tell Jesus thank you and I love him too. I hope he tells you all the time how much we love you too.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Back into despair

I recieved all of my old ob records today to send off to the surrogacy agency and I was reading all of them, I came across Ethan's. Reading them was a dumb no really stupid idea.

I am just a few weeks away from the four year anniversary of Ethan's death and birth. Now is not the time to be reading this kind of stuff.

And I read every single line, some going "what the hell did I just read" and then a single sentence brought me to tears, saddness, frustration with myself, with this life and my own understanding.

In black and white it said my son struggled for his life in my womb, that he had a period of stress causing his nails and lips to show the signs of his struggle.

I know I didn't kill my son, or at least I hope I didn't but I do know I feel like a complete failure right now. My poor baby was struggling for his life and I didn't even know it. I didn't stop it, and he suffered in my care.

I am mortified at this vision in my head. It's like sitting by and suffocating a baby or watching one suffocate and not doing a thing about it.

The one person a child is suppose to rely on to save and protect failed him.

I feel so haunted right now. So uttely disgusted.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry Christmas my Sweet Ethan and Happy Birthday my Savior Jesus!

Another Christmas has come and gone, the hussle and bustle of the holidays are now over. As well as the emotions leading up to the event.

Sometimes it's hard not to get lost in the emotion and lose the reason of the season. My savior Jesus Christ's Birthday.

When I got down I had to remind myself of the picture in my mind of Ethan so free with Christ and how amazing it must be to be in Jesus's arms, and spending his birthday with him. How he is free of the pain in this world. Not that I don't want him with me sometimes. Not that I am not envious of others who get their little ones, or that Jesus gets to hold my baby and I don't, because I would be lying if I said that.

But oh what the sight it would be to see him up there living a life so much greater than we have down here.

Church on Christmas Eve was amazing and yet sad all at the same time. Beautiful for so many reasons, but when we sang silent night I almost bawled I had to keep holding it in. That song gets to me everytime. Then when the pastor was talking about Peace in life all I could do was shake my head in agreeance. I want peace with so many things. I think I have it with Ethan but somedays I fall backwards on my ass, I miss him I want him too. But I know in the end I wouldn't trade my life as it is now, to get him back for a short time.

Merry Christmas from the Donaldson Clan, all my kiddos and Ethan Bear in Ethan's place.

Here are a few of the letter's we got from other's for Ethan and I thank everyone who took the time to write to him and us.

Dearest Ethan,
Your life was so big even before it began because you were, are and always will be loved. Love is so much bigger than life and yours is forever.

Sweet Ethan,
How beautiful it must be to be in the Arms of Jesus; to run and skip and play with Him. How magnificent it must be to be free from the pain of this world and instead embraced in the Love of Christ. How beautiful it must be to hear the laughter of the King of kings and get lost in His Smile. You see things so clearly; your heart has the love in it that we can only imagine here on earth. I know that time is of no consequence to you, but in the blink of an eye you will once again be joined with your Mommy and Daddy and your brothers and all whom you love. They yearn for the day that you will be able to bring them to Jesus; your friend, your Lord and your Savior.
Thank you for your sacrifice so that others can come to know Jesus through your life, your Heaven day and your family. You are precious, loved and missed. Well done, good and faithful servant!
"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"
With love,

Dear Ethan,

Though your family and I have not met in person, you all hold a special
place in my heart. You have brought so much awareness to such a sad
cause, and have healed so many in that process. Your mother is one of a
kind and I take comfort in the faith and hope she has in our heavenly
Father. I think of you often and hope that you are playing with our sweet
Landon. Merry Christmas sweet Ethan. You are not forgotten but forever
remembered by so many including myself.

I don't personally know your family... but I've
kept up with your Mom through the years over
the internet!! She's a neat lady, your Mom!!
Even in sterile black and white print, your Mom's
love for you is as easy to see as the sun in the sky.
Merry Christmas in Heaven Ethan.

Dear Sweet Ethan,

You and your family mean so much to me, and your mommy has helped me cope more than she knows. I want to thank you and my sweet Seth for bringing us together, although it had to be in a sad way, I am so blessed to know her, and get to know you through her. You are one of the most precious baby boys ever, and I love you so much. I know you and my Seth are the best of friends, and I can't wait to see you boys and give you big hugs and kisses!!!
Please continue to watch over us, and send us angel kisses! Give Seth a hug from his mommy, and tell him that i love and miss him so much. I love you, and can't wait to meet you one day!!

Merry Christmas Ethan,
I adore your mom . . . I haven't met your dad yet but I he sounds like a good guy. You probably know so much more than we do about how amazing life and love is. You are already part of the bigger picture and have seen that what happens here is only a flicker in the massive light that we all return to. Your mom and dad wanted you to stay longer but it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps there is something greater to be gained from your brief time than we totally understand but I do know that you changed everything in so many ways for your mom. She rose up out of the ashes of losing you like a phoenix and has been a HUGE part of helping so many other families deal with loss and heartache. It's hard to believe that someone as small as you could do something so big. We measure everything here, how big, how tall, how small, how short something lasts, how long we live . . . we rarely measure the important things that really can't BE measured. And if we measure a life shouldn't we measure it's depth and not it's length? There are many people in this world that live a long time and they never know the love you knew in the short time you were here. You were and are loved deeply, wanted deeply, missed deeply and that is a measurement more worthy of noting than length of time.
I wish I could help your mom not hurt so bad. You really did make her into a powerful person though, into a better person although she might not see it that way. She carries the pain of losing you like it is a gift, precious and fragile. Sometimes it's heavier than other times but she has used that gift of pain in ways that honor you, acknowledge you, that keep you present and allow others to see that love and grief are not something to be ashamed of or hidden away.
I never met you Ethan but I like to picture you playing with all the other little ones who left too soon, all the babies that we have held and said good-bye to. If not for you I never would have met your mom and while I wish it had all turned out different and that I never knew she existed because you had lived, it didn't turn out that way. So I take the gift that you gave to all of us in your passing. The gift of knowing your mom, knowing how incredible she is, knowing how much to helps others move through their sadness and loss and I'll cherish that gift.

I'm writing you this christmas season to let you know that alot of people here on earth miss you dearly and wish they could see you enjoy all the gifts and family time together. I wish I could see you with your mommy and daddy and siblings but you are with Jesus and somedays I wonder what that's like for all of our angel babies. I don't get to see your momma ever but i have special place in my heart for all of you. So during this christmas season if you could please be with your family and give them the strength to enjoy it and love each other. Send a kiss down on christmas day for all your family to feel, when the snow flakes fly i always like to think they are tiny kisses from all the babies in heaven. Love you Little Ethan, enjoy your christmas with Jesus but remember not a day goes by that we don't all think of you and miss you so dearly. Love you buddy.

Dear Sweet Ethan,
I can imagine you this holiday season singing and dancing and being completely surrounded in God's love up in heaven. Your family here on earth loves you so much and your absence is hard to understand. I am just getting to know your mommy, she is so sweet and her heart is so big. She cares for so many people, I don't know how she does it. I know you are so proud to be her son. I cant wait to meet you in heaven one day, little man. You must be one special guy, being loved by so many!
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you sweet boy,
Ethan I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. I know you and Abbi and all of your little angel friends are having a huge celebration today. Please send your Mommy & Daddy and brothers and Sister some love from up there and some Angel Kisses too, they miss you so much everyday but especially on this most precious Holiday. How exciting that you get to spend Jesus' birthday up there in heaven with him. I bet it is really beautiful. I also bet you and all the other little angels are buzzing around heaven and making Jesus smile so big.I also want to thank you Ethan. It is because of you and my Abbi that your Mommy and I are special friends. your Mommy is such a wonderful, strong, brave woman of God and I am privileged to know her and I know you are so very proud of her. She does so many things for others Ethan and that is all because of you.
Wishing you a VERY Merry Christmas Ethan-lots of love to you from Abbi's Mommy

Angela, I am wishing you all ( you, Guy, Blake, Aiden,Ethan, Corbin, Dillon and Zoey) a very Merry Christmas this year
Much Love

Your wonderful parents are reading this Christmas message to you. Even though I've never gotten the chance to meet your mom in real life, she is one of the people I can talk with about anything and everything. Sweet Ethan, you couldn't have hand picked any better parents and siblings then the ones you have. Their dedication to keeping your memory alive is amazing. You may not have had much time on earth, but in your life, you have impacted more people then you can ever know. Our family in AZ wish you a very Merry Christmas. Please welcome 3 little ones we just lost, Morgan, Logan and Luke. Show them the way up there and show them the true joy of God so that we may forever hear your giggles down here.
With love,

Please know that Ethan is always in my heart and in my mind, but I am not good at writing this letter. I attempt it every year and fail every time. I just can not put my thoughts into words on paper!
My love to you always!

Dear Sweet Ethan,
Hey there little buddy, how are you doing? Are you ready for Christmas? I know you dont know me but I have become a friend of your mommys. I heard all about you and how incerdiably special you are to your mommy, daddy, bothers and your sister. You are one amazinly loved little boy. There is not a day that goes by that your family and friends are not thinking about you. Mommy and daddy have your pictures all over their home so everyone can see their perfect little angel son. You are greatly missed, your life here on earth was not ment for some reason. I know its because you are just too special for earth. God wanted you to be with him. He took you away from us to prove he only takes the best. As our hearts are filled with sarrow because you are not here we try to look up and smile at you everyday. Your mommy and daddy do things for you like you are here on earth with us. Your parents are amazing and so are your siblings. Your mom is a very brave, strong person. I am sure you already know this but I had to say it again, because it can never been said enough. As much as we wanted you here on earth with us , God had another plan for you.
You are missed greatly by so many people. You know something kind of cool?, my oldest son is name Ethan. Ethan is a great name for a great strong brave little boy! You will be forever in our hearts and mind, nothing will ever change that. Please contuine to keep watch over your wonderful family. You are truley loved and always will be. You might know my mom Kim she is up there in heaven with you also. God took her home about 2 years ago. So until the day we meet you again in heaven stay handsome and strong. We all love and miss you, though I never got to meet you I still think about you all the time.
Have a wonderful heavenly Merry Christmas!
In Gods loving name

Those are just some of them, but oh so healing and powerful to see people love on my little boy and keep his memory alive with us. Even if very simple, it was such an amazing gesture and I appericate every single word.
So thank you and even if you didn't get a chance to say anything but he was on your mind I thank you for that too!

I miss Ethan so much but I will tell you I am so incredibly blessed when I hear my sons sit and pray. On Christma day Aiden prayed at dinner and I was so humbled by a 6 year olds words. Sometime along the lines of this " Dear God thank you so much for our greatest gift, our savior Jesus. You gave him to me and all my friends and I love you for that. Amen"

God thank you so much for allowing me to put you into my childrens lives on a much greater level than ever. Thank you jesus for holding my baby boy and teaching him so much more than I would be able to on this earth. And Ethan my sweet boy I love you so much and I hope up there you get to experience christmas more incredibly than we can ever do down here.

Merry christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus. And to Mary thank you for giving your son for all of us. I am sure it wasn't easy. If you only knew in your pregnancy what would be.......

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I get it........

I think one of the worst parts of being a parent who's lost a baby, is how incredibly alone you feel. You can sit in a room with a hundred people and still
feel so alone.

I get that......

I get the screaming from the pit of your very being that your baby died....

That you just want one more minute to cherish and soak in every possible ounce of your child.

I get how angry you are at God. I've been there, I've cursed at him, I hated him and what he allowed to happen to me was unexcusable.

I get feeling like you failed your child. You didn't save them, you didn't protect them, and it was your #1 job.

I get that you wish people would just say your childs name. Think of them and help keep their memory alive. No matter how many months, years pass by.

I get how crushed you feel, how life no longer has any meaning.

I get the despair you feel, I too still almost 4 years later feel it.

The Anger, Hurt, Dissappointment, Abadonment from God, friends and family, the fear of lifes possibilties now.

I get how you just sit around waiting now for something else to happen, because you now know that you are no longer immune to such tragic pain. Usually its stories of people losing their babies not anyone you know, and now you are one of them.

I get how losing a child feels like a life sentence, because in reality it kinda is. And the cost is a broken heart for life.

I get how seeing other peoples babies, children around your childs age is a stab in the heart. The "I should have that". I have a hard time still with this.

I get the asking, "why does that person have a baby and they can't take care of him/her, but I don't have my baby", "why on earth would God allow people to have babies when they kill them, hurt them, throw them away of give them up, but again I don't have mine and we wanted him/her more than anything"

I get the whole..... I would rather die than feel this pain for one more day.

I also get the, if I smile, laugh or be happy it will hurt my baby. He/She will think I have forgotten them.

The anger that comes up when people make comments such as, "God needed another angel", "maybe there was something wrong with them", "God did it". No matter what anyone else will tell you it doesn't make the pain go away, and no matter what the reason may be it will not make the heartache vanish.

I get the need to feel joy again too!

I guess all I am trying to say is as lonely as it can feel out there in this world to lose a baby you are anything but alone.
I get you, your feelings, hurt, anger, and need to make a way through this lifetime. You are NOT alone.

Even if you can't feel, hear or see God along the way. Which I can tell you he never left me. I may not have felt it, or even wanted to feel it for that matter. He never left. I know in my heart he was in that room with us crying when we lost Ethan. He wanted nothing more than to make our heartache go away.

But if you don't feel him, need him now, or care about him. You are still not alone. The community of baby loss is so wide and so amazing. You don't have to do it alone and you don't have to feel bad for any of the things you are feeling.

I still sit in awe that here in 8 weeks it will be 4 long, lonely, crazy, joyful, amazing, winding years since I said hello and goodbye all at once to my son.

I can't believe I went from, I cannot believe my God would allow such a hurt in my life when I have been faithful to him to God thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom and allowing me to find a greater plan in his death.

I still miss him so much it hurts, and so much it can bring me to my knees. Sometimes I still tell the Lord how wrong it feels. But he can take it, he knows my heart. In my despair and darkness he is there, I don't even have to tell him all that's inside he knows it.

Someday I will hold Ethan's hand, and it will be so incredible to be with him then. Our lifetime is just a few moments for them in Heaven.