Just Blah

Here I am almost 8 weeks into a new pregnancy and I know beyond a doubt that the time I am given is a miracle and to treasure it day by day.  Even if that means tomorrow its all over.

It's hard though I have had so many dreams where at 12 weeks I learn we have a baby who will fight for its life and recieve the horrible term "not compatible with life."  And I either wake up sobbing or can't sleep again. 

Every possible pain, strange twinge that happens, spot of blood.  Anything has me terrified.  I sit and think do I really want to get attached to another life that can be taken away from me?  Granted I think I am safe to say I don't think I will have a miscarriage.  Now yes it can still happen but I think in my heart I know that I won't have to endure that again for the 5th time.  I am not nieve innocence is just gone...But I want to be attached and I want to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I want to be able to have a name to call this baby and we already have it's name but I wonder if the special people we want to name him/her after will be honored by that still?

But somewhere inside I am struggling to deeply love right this very moment with this baby.  Of course now if tomorrow if I woke up bledding and found out it was over I would be beyond crushed.

I sit and wonder if I am really ready for this full range of emotions rollercoaster I am on now? One minute I will be very up and the next full force crashing down. And most of it alone.

I did decide with all the dreams I have been having that without any question if we were given the diagnosis "not compatiable with life" that I would absolutely carry as long as God gave me.   Several reasons but the biggest one is I cannot and will not have an abortion and if that is the path we are given then I would want to say goodbye just like we did with Ethan.

Sure it would be heartbreaking and it would crush me again.  But I would need that closure and I know with Ethan all I wanted was even a minute with him breathing to tell him I loved him.  And I will take anytime I am given with this child to let them know nothing but absolute love.  Either on earth or if destined in Heaven.

I don't know why I am having these dreams and why I am preparing myself for the worst, but I think after losing so much in life I guess preparation is the key to survival.

I am sure my dreams are just crazy pregnant dreams of course but I just don't want to say I know anything for a fact.  I was sure with Ethan we would be bringing him home and I never thought I would have 4 miscarriages.

I am not really sure where I became a mom.... was it when they layed my first baby in my arms?  Or a few days later?  Or in my pregnancy?  But I do know for a fact that becoming a mom has been one of the most rewarding, time counsuming with every ounce of my soul  things that I have ever been privilaged to do.  I know each of my children has taught me something new and that each of them has shown me a new love.  And loss has taught me to treasure all the time I am given with my children, family and friends.

It's not easy as nothing good in life ever is.  I have experienced enough loss in life and don't know if I can handle any more.  But I am sure this little life will teach me new things, apperciation as well.

Another thing weighing heavy on my mind latley is the end of counseling in the next few months.  I don't have to and I know that but I think deep down I know that I have spent the past year with one of the most loving, caring, life changing people I have ever met.  And I know that she cannot and will not always be my security blanket.  It's like a toddler carrying around a security blanket or stuffed animal.  Sooner or later goodbye will come.  But I feel like that toddler stomping her feet, screaming "but I dont want to".  Sure she will always be 45 minutes away, but its like a best friend going off to war, you don't get those daily, weekly monthly phone chats or chats over coffee.

I want to be able to share my up's and down's and stupid moments.  I want to make her laugh at my stupidity now and then and then laugh with her when I feel uncomfortable.  Like this week screaming out loud in her office, and her lying on her office floor because I was being stubborn, the times a gental hug makes all the difference, a slant of her body to the edge of the chair reaching out to me just to say she cares even if I am doing by best to push her away in fear of being hurt by yet another human being who says they care but will walk away undoubtably, the shared tears. Bottom line the unconditional friendship/love.

But I hate goodbye and I am sick of having to say goodbye.  Sure there is am email that can be exchanged now and then.  But it will never be the same.  I know I can be me there.  I can say the most stupid stuff and she accepts me for me.  Unconditionally.

I have a few friends and a ton of online friends who yes get me an accept me flaws and all but I don't know there is just something different there.  I guess its more uncondtional than I have ever had in any sense of security in another human being.  I can go week after week and break down or say something competly off the wall and the next week she will still greet me with a smile or hug at the end.  She is like the big sister I always wanted.

It's like I get these little glimpses in life of how normalcy should be and how people who are authentic really are.  But its not without conditions the condition here is I have to say goodbye.

But really how do you say goodbye?  I was forced to with Ethan.  I never wanted to it was never in our plans to burry our child first.  Life is not fair that is not at all what I am saying.  I am however saying why do I get handed things like this and have to experience loss all over again.

I cannot imagine life without a simple conversation ever again with her, and I am amazingly blessed to have met her without a doubt.  I would not be where I am today stumbles, tears, laughter, pain and all.  But why do good things have to end?

Why couldn't I have ran into her at a grocery store of later on at some mom's things after her precious little boy is born? 

I feel crazy for even blogging about this because of course I worry I am the only crazy person out there that feels this way.  But honeslty from the bottom of my heart its like losing a best friend.  I share everything with her and even with I feel like the world's biggest loser she is always there reassuring me I am far from that.  She has helped me learn so much about myself and helped me become a better person in general.


It's like she is family according to this quote "What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers,sometimes even strangers."

"You once did something for me more meaningful than the greatest of deeds; you held me in your arms and let me cry"

I am just in a tough place tonight I think.  Pregnancy hormones, experiencing saddness, missing Ethan and just plain confused I guess.

Pondering

Two years kinda just came and went and the two year mark was much harder than I anticipated.  Somedays I find myself wrapped in complete joy and happiness and realize it and suddenly feel guilty.  But I have to remind myself that its ok Ethan would absolutely want me to be happy.

I am just sad we don't get to hear his laughter....

Somtimes I find myself sitting alone with a big open hole in my heart and I want to be rescued and other's I just want to be alone to grieve.

I guess when I think about this path and journey I am on yes I am forever grateful because without losing Ethan I would not know the people I know and I would not have this great desire to change the world.  Sure I can't make losing a child disappear but I can make it a little easier to bear.

Looking around sometimes I see glimpes of Ethan's life the one he should have and the one I am sure he does have. 

I am overprotective of his things because they cannot be replaced.

But I have had to learn to just let it go.  It's just an item but yes its hard.  A few days ago the dog (yes the pain in the ass, chew everything up one) got a hold of Ethan's giraffe that we bought for his 2nd Heavenly Birthday.  And well it didn't survive.  He has a hole in his head, a missing ear, tail and rather mangled.

It made me pretty sad at first and then I thought about it, its just a stuffed animal it's not Ethan, and had it been one of the other kids stuffed animals I wouldn't have been near as mad.  I am so not a stuffed animal person at all.  Hate the things.. they collect and take over the house.

So I let it go there was no sense in holding on to that saddness the stuff animal wouldn't bring Ethan back and it wasn't like it was his favortie stuffed animal that he wouldn't sleep without.  he simply didn't need it....I did or so I thought.

Now if it would have been the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital oh good lord you would have to lock me up.  I accidently washed the thing a few months after he was gone and I about wanted to die then.    It took months to let go of that anger, at myself, the hurt that it wouldnt smell like him anymore.  But in reality it would be ok.  But if it was gone that would be a whole other story.

Easter after we lost him my grandmother got all the kids a cake egg with a little sign with their names on it and she included Ethan, God bless her.  Well of course he didn't get to eat it and no I did not keep it I promise. But I did keep the little stick with him name written with icing on it.  Can't let it go no way no how.  It would feel like I am getting rid of a part of him.  Funny its just his name written in icing.  But "ah" it wasn't just that it was someone else writing my sons name and acknowledging him.
Sadly the icing is coming off too :)

Funny I was just thinking about it and it's kinda a reminder really the icing that is... It's like he is here but part of him is missing.  Since part of his name has suddenly disappeared.
It is those little things that we do have though that we can keep and feel like they are here with us.  That is the hardest part.  We collect things to fill that void or at least I do and I think I always will I want things and pieces of him here until I can be with him.

I have the candles from each Birthday so far, a few flowers from flower arrangements from friends this past birthday.  Just simple things I want to hold on it to fill that void.  I don't get to collect his school papers, dates of achievements, lock of hair so this will have to do.

Ethan's 2nd Heavenly Birthday

"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers,sometimes even strangers."

I had a few of my family, closest friends and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep family join in celebrating Ethan's 2nd Heavenly Birthday and Dominique and Katherine captured some wonderful images for me.

Poems of true grief

A Mother's Grief
You ask me how I'm feeling,

but do you really want to know?

The moment I try telling you

You say you have to go
How can I tell you,

what it's been like for me

I am haunted, I am broken

By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,

but do you really care?

The second I try to speak my heart,

You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,

you see, no one comes around,

I'll take the words I want to say

And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,

Because they don't know what to say

They tell me I'll be there for you,

then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,

that's what everybody said,

But how can I call you and scream

into the phone,

My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me

say the words I need to say

Why does a mothers grief

scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending

as my heart pounds in my chest,

I say things to make you comfortable,

but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things

that are too sad to be told,

of the helplessness of holding a child

who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,

How should one behave,

who's had to follow their child's casket,

watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine

what it was like for me that day

to place a final kiss upon that box,

and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,

and I believe you do,

if you really want to help me,

here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,

reach out and take my hand,

Say "My friend, I've come to listen,

I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen

that's all you need to do,

And if by chance I shed a tear,

it's alright if you do too.

By: Kelly Cummings

The Recipe to Get Through Infant Loss

Take devastating loss, turn it into healthy grief and find progressive healing
Ingredients Experienced:

14 days of numbness, wishing it was all a dream

A dash of phone calls & emails to inform others of your loss

1 week of memorial planning

1 day of smiling

2 days of feeling guilty for smiling

6 months of adjusting to your new normal

9 months of a roller coaster ride through grief

3-4 weeks of Anger

5 months of Tears

1 month of asking Why Me?

2 weeks of Anxiety

3 days of Denial

3 months of Depression

A little laughter, then back to sad again
Just before the 1st year Angel~ Versary, grab 1 month of Depression

Now that you’ve made it to 1 year you may have had

Several months of Sadness

A few weeks of Fear

Time to gain Compassion

A few months to find Acceptance

And an Unlimited amount of missing your angel
With the above ingredients you can now start preparing for Healthy Grieving
Mix in many months of counseling and/or talking with those who understand. Blend in being able to share your story without becoming teary eyed. Set aside moments for brief meltdowns, and then stir in the strength to get up and keep going. Add in the possibilities of having more children, knowing your angel will never be replaced. Throw in a pinch of fear to try again. Mix in the realization that there will be no crawling, first steps, first day of school, or graduation. Add the comfort that your angel will never know sickness, rejection, or the pains of this world. Set aside both happy and sad tears and know it’s still ok to cry. Mix in life without your angel then sprinkle in precious memories. Cover with hope that your faith will provide you the strength to continue into progressive healing.

Sometimes you will need and will repeat this cycle
Progressive Healing is a constant process, so hold on to your memories, cherish your keepsakes, and never be uncomfortable to say “I Have My Very Own Angel”

*Disclaimer: This recipe was put together to encourage those who have suffered a loss.

Time measurements may vary, and examples given may differ. This is a general recipe put together based on conversations with numerous women who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss


Tiny Angels rest your wings


sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand,

And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,... See More

I want this image clear....

That I will forget your precious face

Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,

Why you have gone away?

You weren't here for very long....

Why is it, yo...u couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,

"These things I do not know....

But I do know that you love me,

And that I love you so"
 
 
 
 
 
Angela Donaldson Ok here is one


We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,... See More

we often speak your name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in Hi...s keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we`ve wanted you.

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you,

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

But you didn`t go alone.

For a part of us went with you...

the day God called you Home.

Things we need our friends and family to know

The past few days I realized that maybe through this great thing called technology maybe I didn't communicate well enough about my needs to people I talk to online and not in person.  So I took the time to really sit and think about what I need and want from people in my life.  So here it goes...... (this list is complied from other Angel parents as well)

Please please above anything else if I only had one wish it would be to help me remember my child.  Granted he/she is not yours and you didn't know him/her the way I did.  But what I need is people to acknowledge he/she was here. 

If I cry don't worry that you have made me sad.  Tears are not always a bad thing, they help me feel close to my son and they are healing.  Just ask why I'm crying if my tears bother you.


Don't be afraid that by bringing him/her up you will ruin my day, make me sad or hurt me.  I want people to bring my child up more than anything.
Unless you have lost a child please dont tell me you understand because even parents who have lost a child may not understand.  Our losses are all unique, and please don't tell me it will get easier.  Yes time eases pain but the pain will always be there we just learn how to deal with our loss over time but that pain will still be there under it all.
Say my child's name now and then.  Don't just say your baby, he/she had a name.

Tell me your thinking of my child and/or me.

Don't tell me I should be lucky because I have other kids, I already know this but it doesn't make the pain less painful.  And having other kid's doesn't make it easier for me it feels harder.  I not only am dealing with losing one of my children but I also have to help my other children grieve.  And sometimes I wish I didn't have the extra responsibilty right now.  I would rather climb into bed and ingore the world but I can't.

Also don't tell me I can have other children.  First of all how do you know that ? and even if I can the next child will not replace my child.  My child was their own individual and no other baby will fill the void I will always have in my heart.

Don't try to come up with explainations as to why my child isn't here.  Things like he might of had something wrong with him, or God had other plans, he is in a better place, that I should be lucky I have the kids I already do.  These do not help but rather hinder my healing.  Even if there was something wrong with him does that mean I should love him less? or even if God would do such a thing doesn't mean that we didn't want him just as much.  I know you might be grasping at ways to help but a simple I am sorry, or Im here if you need me is all it takes.  And honestly a hug speaks volumes over words.

After the funeral everyone else moves on and I am left alone.  The loss of a child is already lonely and add everyone else moving on and ingoring me makes it much worse.

You may ask if I need something to just call, but really the last thing I will be able to do in the beginning is reach out.  You may ask more than once to sit and talk, go out etc and I may turn you down.  Please be patient with me I am learning to live again and I am still in shock.  Try a few more times and don't give up on me.

If we are having a conversation and your kids are bugging you please don't say anything along the lines of at least I won't have to deal with this or that.  I would give anything to deal with those things.

Please do not ever discount my child to me or my other children.  Don't tell them they are not big brothers and/or sisters regardless of how you think and feel.  This is our choice and the way we have chosen to go on as a family.

If you don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable just say that but that you want me to know you are thinking of me.  Something as simple as that is often much better than silence.

Also please know that as uncomfortable as you might be I am just as umcomfortable if not more so because everyone is uncomfortable and leaves me be.  This is new to me and and having someone to walk along side me and help me when I stumble, or cry with me when I cry will make a world of difference.  You may think bringing my child up will hurt me and I may cry.  I get that its hard for you but its harder to act as if my child never was.  I promise if I cry they will be tears of comfort and love, not because of anything you will do or say.  I'd rather have someone to sit with me and cry with me or just be there than to cry alone.

Learning

Today has been a very eye opening day, and I am learning this thing called life is rough.

Today during a stressful emotional conversation online with "friends", someone had said to me that I was "consumed " with the loss of Ethan.

I was very hurt then even more hurt when someone who knows not a dam thing about me said that I am just bringing up my feelings to "get attention".

Well first of all i understand that the consumed part may have came across wrong but the second part stung bad to the point I cut these women out of my life.  I had decided at that one moment I didn't need them and I was tired of feeling like I have to ask people to give a shit about me.  Or to bring Ethans name up in conversation or even a quick note along the lines of "hey I know February is a rough month for you so I wanted you to know I was thinking of you".

It's amazing to me to look at people and listen to the complain about things that seem so insignifant to me.  But I never turn away and I always listen.

(It has also been brought to my attention that I used the wrong wording here by saying listen to others insiginficant problems so I will clarify, what I mean is through the days, weeks, months and years since Ethan has been gone I have listened to people complain about a lifestyle that they wanted and agreed to, or things going on in their lives that seem less important.   I guess that does not mean they are not entitled to feel as they do but to me life styles you chose are your choice I did not chose to burry one of my children.  I was litterly trying to be a good friend were still around for these people right after losing Ethan because I needed them and I wanted them to know I cared about.  Ass backwards yeah probably.  But that is me everyone before myself.)

But when I heard those very words of being consumed and looking for attention my heart jumped and I felt competly out of control.  All I could think of is "Be dam glad it wasn't you that had to burry your child".  Not that I would wish this on anyone because I wouldn't, but for a few minutes I felt like I was under attack and being judged.  Even if I was consumed don't I have the right to be?  Yes I do or at least so I am told I do have that right.  As long as it's healthy comsumption which mine is.

Harsh yeah ok maybe a little.  But harsh I felt I was being ganged up on by 5 or more women who I thought were my friends to learn later after I left the group that I had been banned.  Ok really is this high school?  I left so banning me was to prove a point.

I didn't know by simply stating that I have been hurt that some of the people I thought would stand by me through the years and remember my son had totally walked out on me.

Now I will say these women were incredibly generous with their hearts, financial aspect etc in the weeks and months after Ethan's death.  I think what hurt the most was I thought these people wouldn't be the people that I would have to ask to please keep Ethan's memory alive with me.  I shouldn't have assumed but I did.

I know I was being a bit senstitive and I said I was to blame more times than I can count.  But really I felt like it became a kick you while your down thing.  It was me against them, because I felt one way and the rest of them all felt the same way.


It really sucks that through losing a child you learn who your true friends really are.  I have been told multiple times by some of the people who havent lost a kid that they just don't get it, and you know what I get that too.

A year prior to losing Ethan my friend lost her son, and I had no idea how she felt but I could imagine and I still called all the time or messaged her to check on her.  I havent forgotten important anniversarys because I imagined that those were important to her.

But today I was told they didnt want to bring it up because it was personal.  My point in bringing this out isnt to trash talk them but rather to bring to light the saddness we feel as childless mothers/fathers.  (ok it has been brought to my attention that I am not a childless mother and I stand corrected I am not childless but I am missing one of my children)

Personal or not if you are our friends you will help us remember our child.  Not because you have to but because you know how much it means to us, and just my opinion but friends just do that type of thing.

I have said since day one that my biggest fear is no one being there to help me remember Ethan, and sadly it has come true to an extent.

It hurts more for people to ingore my son that to take the chance bringing it up may be a little painful.

It really sucks that they think we have this new group of parents with Angels who get us so they are not needed.

I am at fault for not just flat out saying hey I need xxxx, but I also did say that many of times on the wonderful world of facebook which we are all a part of I even sent messages.  And at Christmas time I even wrote on the message board that if anyone could find the time to write a little letter to Ethan, us as a family, just me whatever that I would love that.  And I only had two people reach out to me. 

I guess its not quanity but quality I just was bummed.

I have also been told that this is my loss and I need to realize all that matters is I remember, and I guess all I can say to that is...this is where you dont understand.  I have had 5 miscarriages and I thought it was horrible to find out the hard way.  Now each of my miscarriages mean something to me dont take it that way.  It hurts and its hard but something about having to birth my dead child, pay for a funeral, touch and caress his features, to see him and feel him and hold him.  That's where it gets harder.  Some may say I'm lucky because I got that chance.  And to you I say we will never know which is harder.  Until we walk in eachothers shoes no one knows.  I have had both and if someone said pick miscarriage or stillbirth I would pick a miscarriage.  Only because I know what I know now and this is much harder than any of my miscarriages were.

This does NOT mean that if you have had a miscarriage that it can't be the most painful thing to you.  It's your grief and your pain this is mine.
I never really thought my friends would walk out, but I guess the saying goes "God doesn't close one door without opening another".  I guess I will just have to wait and see what that door is.

2 Years without him

http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewshow?fl=3164397&alb=0
Here is the link to the dvd slide show I made for Ethan I hope it works

Here is Ethan's memorial site I created after he left us
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ourangelethan/Homepage.aspx