Grieving and society

I have to say I have been blindsided several times over the past 3.5 years by peoples ingorance and hurtful comments regarding loss. Ones such as "get over it", " it's been x amount of years, let go", "OMG you took pictures of your dead baby, how disgusting".

Comments that have made me want to hurt someone, sit alone in a closet the rest of my life just so I didn't have to deal with the rest of the world.

I had a friend delete me off fb because they said they couldn't handle my educating people on what to look for in pregnancys and that hurt too.

But today I think I about feel out of my chair when I read comments to another grieving mom. She had posted about her duedate coming up and how close she would have been to full term etc. And some not so nice person, kept telling her over and over to let go.

To move and and quite grieving.

I was totally in shock that another human being claiming to be someones friend would write that to her in front of hundreds of baby loss parents (which by the way were about to jump through his screen and hurt him). And keep going with it.

He has no idea of what this loss feels like. And then I hear my great friend/teacher telling me in my head. Have grace. UGH do I realyl have to be the big person here? Ok no I don't but I should. I wanted to call him all kinds of not nice names and go off.

And sadly this wasn't done to me. But when you lost a child and one of your now sisters in life(another mom who lost a child) is being hurt and the words cut so deep..... You will do just about anything to protect them and the memory of so many families.

You do NOT every quite grieving. Just as if a parent was to die you can't replace them with another one neither can you with the life of a child. You don't move on with life and not rememeber.

I have wondered many times where my friends were when I needed them? Why didn't they call and check on me? And it hurts sometimes still. But when you lose a child you learn who your true friends are.

I wish society would buck up and get over how sensitive the topic of the death of a child can be and learn how to support us as a whole, just as we do with cancer and everything else. It hurts it hasn't happened yet but I sure hope in my lifetime it does. I refuse to sit in a closet and grieve the life of my son and the life he should of had.

Grieving does NOT equal crazy. Grieving does not equal stagnating. Grieving does NOT have a timeline or an expiration date. Anyone who CANNOT accept that, and for that matter, anyone who cannot accept ME... fine. Don't. But do not claim to be my friend.- By my wonderful friend Annette Benavides

I miss him a little...... I lied I miss him a lot

This time of year always brings on so much emotion. This year I have taken on the task of making a memorial slide show of angels for the Infant and Pregnancy Day and as well as posting daily little bits of info about Ethan and facts.

I love doing it and not feeling guilty others may not want to read it..... But my heart aches more than usual because its a topic of discussion by many of my friends and many I consider family. I wouldn't trade it don't get me wrong. But it makes me miss him a lot.

This time of year is a constant reminder of something missing. The holidays will never feel quite right, because we are missing one of our family members. And when we go out and about we get tons of comments on the size or our family or whatever and I feel myself scream inside, I have another son you just can't see him.

I feel like no matter what I do will be good enough for my Ethan. And not because he wouldn't feel that way but because nothing will ever feel good enough for me other than to hold him, mother him and all the things you are suppose to do for your child.

I love facebook it's been so amazing to have all these connections to other moms and make new connections or rekindle old ones and share Ethan all over again. But its also heartbreaking.

I see new moms suffering this horrible gut wrenching, heart stopping pain from the beginning and I feel so helpless for them and then I am almost brought to my knees with the pain all over again.

Sometimes it feels so long ago I held my baby and I kissed him. I don't think I ever said goodbye but in my heart it felt like goodbye then. And other times it feels like yesterday, when I was on my way to the hospital to hear the devestating world changing news, "I'm sorry we don't see any cardiac activity.

It was a slap in the face, punch in the gut. "Here carry this baby for 8.5 months, make a place for him in your heart and home and prepare yourselves for a lifetime with this baby...Just so it can be all taken away".

And yet now I know how truly blessed and enriched my life has become since losing the most scared part of your life.

But sometimes like tonight it doesn't feel so blessed it feels crappy, rotten and unfair.

My dearest Ethan I love you always and forever and until we meet again know I love and miss you.

Right where I am 3 years 4 months and 2 weeks later

The nights are not so long anymore, when the street lights came on and porch lights emerged in the dark is where my grief emerged and the nights seemed to carry on forever.

I think now the days seem longer and the happier moments are closer together than the death grip of grief’s hauntings.

I still sometimes find myself on that horrible rollercoaster and the times when out of nowhere my grief band aid has been ripped off.... so hard and so fast I feel like I'm bleeding again.

But I don't feel suffocated all the time anymore by my emotions and my hearts longing to see, hold and touch my son. I will never quite missing him more than I will ever been able to put into words of course.

From time to time I am stopped dead in life’s tracks when I hear Ethan's name, or see a little three year old boy. I still feel the tug on my heart when I simple reminders of him pass before my eyes or ears.

I still get absolutely blindsided sometimes. I don't understand people, who have babies and kill them, don't raise them or whatever the case may be. I have my days where I feel like I am being kicked while I am down where I get jealous of my friends with three year olds, because I am seeing all that I am missing out on.

I still cannot and will not look at a friend from high schools pictures of her son Ethan who is only months younger than my Ethan would be. I have never told her any of this and I don't think I ever will. I still am hurt she used my sons name when it seems so sacred now.

A year ago I was mad at myself for not spending all my extra time at the cemetery to honor, and baby my son’s grave as a way to parent him. I now realize he isn't there and he doesn't care if I show my outward expression of my love at his grave. Ethan knows we carry him daily in our hearts, minds and on our lips as we say his name.

I can finally three years later speak his name or share his story without a meltdown, now I can tell it with just my eyes welling with tears.

A year ago I would feel a lump in my throat if I had the chance to tell his story... the story of many wingless wonders. Just because I wasn't sure how the audience I was speaking to whether it was a simple person on the street, a nurse or another family would take it, I always feared how others would handle his story. I would feel my knees buckle in fear, now my heart skips a beat when I get that opportunity to speak my son’s name, and tell the story so many people live daily.

For the first two years I blamed myself for Ethan's death. I was his mother and I was suppose to protect him and I failed miserably. I thought maybe I had done something so horrible as a person that this was my punishment, or maybe we were pushing our luck by trying to have a third child when we already had two perfectly heatlhy children at home. I still tug o war with this because as a mother its our instinct to protect our children and I couldn't do that. And I still have a hard time with knowing whether or not his death was painful and the pure image of him struggling makes me sick. But I am not horrified by it anymore I am holding onto hope that his death was quick and painless and that he knows I would of done anything to save him.


I don't hate God anymore though. I remember spending the first two years more mad at him than ever, more resentful he would let such a thing happen to me and my family, to so many families every single day. Now I find myself on my knees more often than not. Thanking him for all I have been given for allowing me to be Ethan's mom.
No one will ever be unable to understand that unless they too have experienced such a loss.
I think the day we lost Ethan rather than going on about his business he was on his knees crying with us. He knows the heaviness of my heart as he too lost his son.
I have Hope for the day I get to see my son again rather than complete anguish that he has been taken from me.

In the beginning I felt destroyed by grief and I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain sucking life I was living to end. I thought at times if I was dead I would be so much happier because I would be with my son. It seemed so much easier than living this day to day vicious cycle. Then it clicked I couldn't do that to my children, to any of them. It wasn't fair to my other children and Ethan would probably be disappointed in me. Even though at times a bottle of pills and death in my sleep seemed so much more comforting.

I don't get so down on myself when I have those bad days where grief takes over. I allow it because when I allow it I feel closer to Ethan than ever, and if I allow it then I feel better later. Not always right away, in fact never right away. And the evenings are still when grief seems to sneak up on me. But I can almost always guarantee when I wake up I will feel better.

Sure I may have the world’s worst headache, but it was so worth it in the end. It's never easy and it always sucks but I tell myself if I get through one day its one day closer to the day I am reunited with my son.

A year after we lost Ethan and delivered our rainbow baby I put myself into counseling because the pain was too much to bear alone anymore. I felt so much guilt for having another child after losing Ethan like he would feel we just up and replaced him which will never ever be able to be done, and then extreme guilt for our new baby that he would feel like a replacement and feel he had big shoes to fill and would never be able to do so. I now know my crazy wild fun loving rainbow baby was sent her to fill our hearts with hope, love and joy again despite the rain clouds we have hope now and I know in my heart that Ethan would want us to be happy and Corbin our rainbow baby will never know more than love and that he has a brother who watches him from above.

I still struggle with PTSD; it’s something I am learning I will probably always tug-a-war with. I will always fear losing one of my kids now, because before it was just one of those things you hear of. Now it’s one of those things that really do happen and it happened to me. So I know I’m not immune to it. But I'm slowly learning to let go that I can't control every outcome in life even if I want to. Even if I were to bubble wrap my kids it doesn't mean someday they won't remove the bubble wrap to experience life and something will tragically happen. But this is a hurdle I will keep trying to conquer. We have to live everyday now as our last responsibly remembering to make each moment count even if the end result is another loss.

I will admit that as a protective mechisim sometimes even now I find myself trying to make sense of this all. I still fight from time to time with myself that I delivered my dead son, I held him and I burried him. That the pictures of him on the wall are really pictures of one of my children. It doesn't usually seem like that all really happened. It seems like a dream and I am not sure if any of that will ever change. Or if in fact its healthy. I have no idea at all.

None of this means I don't miss my son that I don't have my days, weeks, months where I am mad and sad, and have fallen under grief’s horrible grip again. It just means my grief has transformed from suffocating, intolerable pain into hope and acceptance of this life journey I am on.

I've accepted that this is the way my life is and will be and the only thing I can do is chose where to go from here.

Where I chose to go from here is to carry his life with mine, make him proud and do an amazing job by raising my other children in a way they all will be proud of. I carry Ethan in everything I do. I am a better mother for it, a better friend, and overall better person because I have experienced life’s most horrible tragedy.

Another not so happy ending......

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty strong person when it comes to watching television shows. But last night I was brought to my knees by an innocent show directed at teens.

The Secret Life Of An American Teenager captured the devestation, dibilitating reality of infant loss. More so of stillbirth.

Watching her sit in the hospital bed and crumble brought me back to where my life started and half my heart left me just 4 days shy of 44 months ago.

I felt my heart ache all over again. I felt that total suffication, and complete heartache as if it was me in that hospital room again.

I still sit in shock from time to time that this is my life, that I delievered a dead child, I buried him, and that there will always be something missing.

Reading comments on the fb page for the show just upset me more. I had to keep reminding myself that until it happens to you, you are totally clueless. And a lot of the posters are young teens who are uneducated.

I completly commend abc for writing a script most were uncomfortable with, that they showed that pregancy isnt always this cute chubby baby with a happy ending. And that there is sometimes a darker side and much harder reality to pregnancy than late night feedings, unconsolable babies, and partners that dont always stick around after the birth.

Instead the is a life changing, world shattering possiblilty in pregnancy. The thought of a dead baby made many of these posters upset and uncomfortable. Many made comments that were hurtful to those who are walking this lonely road. That almost always loss blindsides you. It doesn't matter if you took every single prenatal vitamin, went to every appt, watched what you ate and worked out. It just doesn't matter stillbirth does not discriminate. It happens to high class and low. And no matter who it happens to your not prepared to burry your child. It's not the natural order of life. Mother's and father's don't bury their children it should be the other way around.

The reality of loss is we didn't just lose a baby we lost our furture hopes and dreams. I had my sons room all set and hospital bags packed. My children called their baby brother by his name long before he was here. So now instead of counting fingers and toes, birthdays, milestones like walking, first tooth, first date, graduation, driving. We are sending ballons to heaven, and birthdays are filled with sad tears, we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. We don't get to sit and ponder over what cool Christmas toys they want, instead we sit graveside trying to decide which decorations are the best since that's all we can do.

I had to step back from time to time and sometimes I felt compelled to write back with some educational facts. Some were horrified at the thought of naming this dead baby, I had to remind them that naming the baby was one of the most healing things, that just because the baby died doesnt mean you dont still love them. Some of the people were posting how fake the reaction to the baby dying were. I had to tell them that when you are grieving you act like a different person, that people who arent directly involved with the baby would infact cry.

My only hopes are that ABC will continue to correctly portray infant loss and that in a few episodes they aren't just all better or over it. I hope they go through all those changes that happen in your life, all the different stages of grief.

I don't think for me I have ever really been angry. I have been sad, devestated, hurt, shocked and I think more than anything numb and in denial.

But last night anger came on stronger than I have ever experienced.

I was angry that this was the life picked for me, that my kids had to learn of such a raw loss so young. That until last night I was never so mad at my nursing staff. I was never so lost in my life as I was that day and yet I layed in my hospital bed alone, numb and it would of been nice to have the hand of someone who knew a few words of comfort, a counselor, someone to walk me thorugh all the things I could do with Ethan so that three years later I wouldn't have so many regrets as I do now.

But I found myself devestated at another not so happy ending.......

CONSUMED

I find myself at a stand still this evening with grief... It just wont go away at least not that nagging horrible gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my heart.

I am so sad that I can't see him , smell him, touch him or hear him talk. I want to be chasing my three year old around. And I want to hear him talk, say "mommy I love you", something....heck anything.

Yeah sure I say why me? sometimes, but really I am thinking why anybody? This pain is unreal. It feels unreal and sometimes I feel burried.

I wish I could go back to the day Ethan was born and re-do most everything. I want to bathe him, dress him, take his clothes home with me. Take more pictures and hold him until they pryed him out of my hands. Stuff that people who have never experienced a loss would think was crazy. But those moments were all I will ever have and until my day comes I have to sit and live with all the what if's and should of's.

I wish nursing staff was more educated on helping families so that they dont not only go home empty handed but also a little less regret free.

I think my next goal is to find a way to get out there and let the nursing staff know what it is baby loss parents need and want. And how they can help.

Because I will tell you that my nursing staff stayed long enough to deliver my dead son and leave. I didnt see them again excpet a quick pop in and out to make sure I was breathing.

I needed more than that. I needed compassion, a hug, a tear or two.

Between Here and There

I often find myself between where I want to be in my grief and where I am currently. Sometimes I want to be more to this side or maybe the clear end of the other specturm of grief.

Three years, amazingly hard, joyous, frightful, exhausting yet powerful three years later. That hasnt changed.

Most of the time I am content in where I stand in my life, but there is still pangs of grief that consume me.

I find myself longing to hold Ethan to beg the lord to please make this nightmare go away, but its not going to change not now.

I attended church a few weeks back and we started a series called Marked, they are using tattoos as a reference. And this series caught my attention from the moment I knew it was one about tattoos and two when I heard the reference marked.

I am forever marked with my sons footprints and two marked with the tragic loss of my son that I have to learn how to live with daily, weekly, yearly and sometimes every second.

But the priest/pastor started talking about God and how we sometimes feel he is responsible for the things that happen to us, or that if he is not responsible for making them happen that he allowed it to happen.

About a year ago I came to terms with the fact I do not believe that God made me lose my son to teach me a lesson, or that he would allow such a thing. I kinda look at it like he knows the pain of losing a child and I am sure the day we lost Ethan he was crying with us.

The priest/pastor started taking about when him and his wife lost their baby and how much pain, hurt, resentment they had to wrestle with. How he even admitted that when they found out friends of theirs were having a baby, in his darkest hour he even wished they would lose their baby.

I have never ever cried during a service but this one I couldnt stop. Each time I dried my eyes the tears kept seeping out of the ducts of my eyes. I didnt feel embarrased as I normally would for crying in public. I think I was in total awe that this man had been though something so horrible and was so brutally honest about questioning God and wishing such horrible things on someone else. And I also flat out for the first time in three years sat in church crying over my son and let go and took it all in.

There are a lot of things I wish I didnt do or did do still to this day. Like going to Ethans grave all the time.

When we first lost Ethan, okay the first year after we lost him. His grave was my emotional sancutuary. It was where I could baby my baby that I couldnt hold or baby in real life. I decorated it and thought those people who burried their babys and didnt decorate their angels graves and show their outward expression of love, must not have loved them that much.
I didnt wish anyone to lose their baby but I passed judgement on those who didnt visit all the time like I felt I had to.

And well I am now one of those people, at first through the second year of Ethans life. I resented myself for not being there as often as I was the first year. I got mad at myself for not decorating on a holiday as I felt I should have been doing.

And now entering the third year I have come to terms that my outward expression of decorating his grave. Does not mean I do not love or miss my son. He will always be in my heart and I think I know in my heart that he knows how deep my love is.

I still wish I could be back at the beginning specturm of his loss doing all that, but it hurts too much and I think I have finally accepted that it does not make me a bad mom.

Im sure people who see baby land and the graves that are lonely looking know in their hearts that my heart is with my son.

‎1 Samuel 1:27-28 - I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.

Happy 3rd Birthday Ethan

Wow has it really been three years. It's amazing to me that time has flown by yet stood competly still.

I still find myself recalling every single possible memory from three years ago. I guess I know its because its the most painful life event a person could go through. I also think because when I am in the mist of grief I feel closest to you. And those are the only memories I will ever have.

Three years ago I was in the hospital room, being constantly drugged with benedryl because the epidural made me itch uncontrolable. Which was a little strange since I never had that issue with your brothers. But maybe it was a way for me to get a break. The benedryl made me so sleepy and I couldnt keep my eyes open for anything at all. I remember brief pauses waking up here and there.

Then I remember waking up in the morning to a strange feeling and my water broke, it was very bloody and I remember being so scared at that moment. Not that anything could go anymore wrong really, but still I was scared.

Not much longer after that you started to crown and I was so frightened I remember crying and telling the nurses that I couldnt do this I didnt want to do this. But it was not something I could avoid.

At 847am the doctor handed me this amazingly beautiful but lifeless child. I wanted to see you so bad but I also remember being so scared to see you, not knowing why you had passed away.

But you were the most beautifull angelic little boy I have ever layed eyes or hands on. Everything about you. Your perfectly round head, dark handsome hair, little round lips and mommys nose. Those tiny long fingers and daddys big feet.

I wish I could have held you forever and it broke my heart to let them take you, knowing I would never get to see you again until our time comes.

Ethan you have molded me in ways people only wish they could be molded without a major effort, and I thank you for that. I am more compassionate, loving, genuine than I ever thought possible.

I miss you though and I would be lying if I said otherwise. You will be three here in 12 hours ish. A running, full blown toddler. I miss getting to see that. I wish I knew if you kept that handsome dark hair or if it got light like mommys.

When I close my eyes tonight my heart will be with you, as it always is. But tonight I am going to try to let go of the pain, the tears, the haunting memories. And just have joy... The joy you have given me and others through your life.

It wont be easy it never is but I thank you my angel for all you have given me. I love you Happy Birthday Little Man