I get it........

I think one of the worst parts of being a parent who's lost a baby, is how incredibly alone you feel. You can sit in a room with a hundred people and still
feel so alone.

I get that......

I get the screaming from the pit of your very being that your baby died....

That you just want one more minute to cherish and soak in every possible ounce of your child.

I get how angry you are at God. I've been there, I've cursed at him, I hated him and what he allowed to happen to me was unexcusable.

I get feeling like you failed your child. You didn't save them, you didn't protect them, and it was your #1 job.

I get that you wish people would just say your childs name. Think of them and help keep their memory alive. No matter how many months, years pass by.

I get how crushed you feel, how life no longer has any meaning.

I get the despair you feel, I too still almost 4 years later feel it.

The Anger, Hurt, Dissappointment, Abadonment from God, friends and family, the fear of lifes possibilties now.

I get how you just sit around waiting now for something else to happen, because you now know that you are no longer immune to such tragic pain. Usually its stories of people losing their babies not anyone you know, and now you are one of them.

I get how losing a child feels like a life sentence, because in reality it kinda is. And the cost is a broken heart for life.

I get how seeing other peoples babies, children around your childs age is a stab in the heart. The "I should have that". I have a hard time still with this.

I get the asking, "why does that person have a baby and they can't take care of him/her, but I don't have my baby", "why on earth would God allow people to have babies when they kill them, hurt them, throw them away of give them up, but again I don't have mine and we wanted him/her more than anything"

I get the whole..... I would rather die than feel this pain for one more day.

I also get the, if I smile, laugh or be happy it will hurt my baby. He/She will think I have forgotten them.

The anger that comes up when people make comments such as, "God needed another angel", "maybe there was something wrong with them", "God did it". No matter what anyone else will tell you it doesn't make the pain go away, and no matter what the reason may be it will not make the heartache vanish.

I get the need to feel joy again too!

I guess all I am trying to say is as lonely as it can feel out there in this world to lose a baby you are anything but alone.
I get you, your feelings, hurt, anger, and need to make a way through this lifetime. You are NOT alone.

Even if you can't feel, hear or see God along the way. Which I can tell you he never left me. I may not have felt it, or even wanted to feel it for that matter. He never left. I know in my heart he was in that room with us crying when we lost Ethan. He wanted nothing more than to make our heartache go away.

But if you don't feel him, need him now, or care about him. You are still not alone. The community of baby loss is so wide and so amazing. You don't have to do it alone and you don't have to feel bad for any of the things you are feeling.

I still sit in awe that here in 8 weeks it will be 4 long, lonely, crazy, joyful, amazing, winding years since I said hello and goodbye all at once to my son.

I can't believe I went from, I cannot believe my God would allow such a hurt in my life when I have been faithful to him to God thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom and allowing me to find a greater plan in his death.

I still miss him so much it hurts, and so much it can bring me to my knees. Sometimes I still tell the Lord how wrong it feels. But he can take it, he knows my heart. In my despair and darkness he is there, I don't even have to tell him all that's inside he knows it.

Someday I will hold Ethan's hand, and it will be so incredible to be with him then. Our lifetime is just a few moments for them in Heaven.

Feeling the feelings.....

I have no idea what to call this post, I feel all over the board with my emotions right now.

One minute complete happiness and the next I am exhausted from saddness.

I did however come across this video, which I absolutely love. You will need to mute the music at the bottom of the page to hear this one.



I LOVE this song. I know Jesus is holding my baby boy and teaching all the things we would, but on a much different level.

And then at the same time this song made me cry, Heaven seems so darn far away. Yet I know it will be here much faster than I know it.

Holidays seem to just suck the life out of you sometimes. And I just pray our father can wrap his arms around us and keep us from sinking into despair.

Saddness lurking

I have had my fair share of ups and downs lately, some regarding Ethan and some just general loss. It hasn't been easy but I guess eye opening to an extent.

I see so many moms hurting right now though.

Moms who have no children living and desperatly want a little one to love and hold in their arms not just their hearts.

I wish there was something I could say or do to lessen that burden. But I know all too well it can't. But I do wish peace for all families who are sitting in despair in their beds, not wanting to face the day, or people on the streets or family even for that matter.

I have come to learn even our own family can try to push back their own emotions and saddness.

I am not trying to defend anyone who ingores us, or our children who we so badly want mentioned or acknowledged. At all so please don't just hear that.

What I am saying however is, our loss is so unique, no one can get it unless they have experienced it and even then its so different.

When we lose our child(ren). We face a whole new way of approaching life and people. Our tolerance is minimual to say the least. We lose Grace towards others and patience in the petty things we see in life. Nothing will ever compare to us with the loss of a child. Rightfully so I must agree.

But I know for me, my family doesn't mention Ethan often, but I know they think of him. I think sometimes they don't bring him up in fear they will make a good day go bad or they will make a bad day go worse. They don't get that we want and crave that so much.

But I also think this is the hard part for us. Learning to extend grace to our families. They have not only experienced the loss in a grandchild, but in a way their own child.

They can't fix us, and just as we as moms feel it was our job to protect our baby and most of us feel we failed. So do our families especially our parents. They can't take our pain, and they can't do a darn thing but sit back and watch us suffer.

I have to imagine as a parent that, that is so crushing. We want nothing but to scoop up our children and hold them and make it go away. They can't do that.

So instead they take a step back and try not to bring the subject up. It might be uncomfortable for them and they don't know how to deal with their own pain regarding the loss. That doesn't mean that it's ok and this will just magically make everyone feel better when their baby is being forgotten.

But I guess I have had been forced to learn how to accept. That no one loved Ethan like I did. They don't get it and it scares them.

Does it mean I don't still hurt sometimes? Oh absolutely not. No one in the family writes Ethan a note for his stocking. I don't know why, it hurts but I can't make them love him like I do.

I guess maybe we really do have to be the big person here offer grace and walk away. I do suggest writing a letter to whom ever is hurting you by not acknowledging your baby though. Sometimes our words when hurting and confronting this situation don't mix well or come out right. But a letter may just be the ticket. Spill it all out, what's the worst that can happen?

I hate that a time of year that should be so joyful are so painful for many of us.

I still do not have any decorations up, no tree and I know I have to. 5 kiddos are counting on it this year. But I have no interest, and typically it takes awhile to find it during this time of year.

I know for me the hard part is knowing one is always missing. And I miss him so much. What he would look like, be like, the toys he would like, his personality. I miss the not knowing, the guessing which I can't seem to do. My kids all look alike so that's all I can go off of. But yet they are all so different. I feel cheated I don't get to see his uniqueness.

Be patient with yourself and pray that God will wrap his arms around you, he will walk you through it all and you will not be alone. And know he has NOT forgotten. He knows all our pain, and he loves our babies while they wait for us.

Tidal Waves ~ crashing

I have fully surrendered to him right now, it's obvious I haven't been able to do it alone in 30 years. So I can't possibly now right?

You will need to mute the music player at the bottom of my page to hear this amazing song.



In church we sing this song and it is a favorite HUGE favorite of mine. This week I cried the hardest I have ever cried in church, every word Jim spoke was melting in my heart because it was so very fitting to my life. And I need God more than ever. No I am not drowing right now, my head is above water for now and I don't feel like I am sinking as I was a week or so ago. But I still feel weak and vunerable and I am dreading the holidays a little bit.

There should be 6 stockings hanging on the wall, and a photograph taken Christmas morning with 6 children not 5 holding their brothers photograph. I should be wrapping gifts for 6 and knowing what Ethan wants so much this year, and I remain clueless. I don't know what he looks like and what he would be like.

I miss all that, yet I know he is still there with us, sitting in the arms of Jesus, watching the glorious lights from above.

If you are a parent of a child who left too soon, we started a tradition a few years ago where we ask family and friends to please write a little letter to Ethan or all of us and we stuff it in his stocking and read them Christmas morning. The first year was rather emotional reading all of these amazing tributes to Ethan, but yet so joyful that no one forgot Ethan. This will be the 3rd year for us and I am hoping to read some more special tributes to Ethan.

I am guessing it will get easier but not before it gets harder. I am going deep down where it hurts and really digging up this crap of cards I got delt that are suppose to make me more Jesus like.

Ok that sounded a bit scaristic. And it was I think my hardest struggle was hearing how God didn't cause the things to happen to us in life that have but he did allow them to and it made my stomach turn. Those "things" I have been through are to make me more Jesus like. And I have a hard time accepting that, I wasn't already so before being molested more than anything, my dad walking out on me... I am at better terms with that as we speak but then take my child from me. I don't get all those things. My life was wrecked the day the molesting began, and now losing a child. I guess I just don't really see the purpose and how that will make me more Jesus like.

Maybe because I am remaning true to God through it, ok not through it because I most defiently had a few not so nice talks with him and let God know how crappy I have thought he was through those trials in my life.

But I guess I need to learn more than anything to let go and know I can't make sense of the why's and how's of all of this. I think as I have said before it's happened and now it's not why and how but where I go from here.

Now I am nervous as I tackle this all more than I already have, and I am afraid I may become not so nice and nasty. But I guess time will tell. And I have heard "no one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it".

So here it goes as the tidal waves crash and rest in my life.

Healing is happening

I think I came to many many realizations today.

First off I fell asleep last night praying. I lay in my bed my head was as it has been the past few weeks a horrible mess. Emotions all over and complete frustration, that I have been unable to jump this hurdle. And I sat and told God, to please make a way for me to feel like I could breathe again, that the hope he offered and the comfort would be more near than ever and enough.

And somehow I fell asleep during this, which was the start. I haven't sat and prayed with God other than a little mumbled mess from time to time. I have felt unworthy and not whole in my own self to pray to him. There was a major disconnect, a missing connection I so desperately needed and wanted. But was slightly out of reach until last night. I think because my heart has been so crazy heavy and the voices, and tapes those old stupid tapes of everything I have ever been taught about myself or lead to believe were true or the enemy tried to make real played. Last night I was able to put those aside and let go, of those and know I needed him more than ever.

Then today when talking to a care pastor/friend/Godly sister much more than I ever imagined clicked.

My heart has been so incredibly heavy with the situation with my dad. I miss so much of having the love a child gets from their parents. I have always felt I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't loveable. That is until today.....

It's amazing when God is ready to put you through tough work he really makes things click and make sense and brings an amazing power inside yourself. And he also prepares you to deal with it.

This past week has been an emotional nightmare. I have hated every single minute of it. But I know now why it was happening.

When talking of my father or the lack there of, and having it put into perspective that he is broken and he has his reasons for staying away. maybe my dad hasn't been a dad because I remind of him of a painful past, or maybe because he sees my mom in me and that is too much or maybe even he knew that he couldn't do for me what he thought was right and the next best option was terminating his rights.

I came home and pondered about all of this, and how can I be upset with him for walking away full hearted when I am ok with taking on Zoey knowing it’s a much better life for her.

If he had been a part of my life maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be as I am now. And I may hate myself outwardly but inside I think I am pretty amazing and I know I can do even more amazing things. With the acceptance of these "things" in my life.

I may not have turned out not to be God fearing and Loving as I am now. Maybe without these things.... Lack of parents, being molested as a child for three years, and the ultimate losing my own child. My faith wouldn't have sky rocketed. I can assure you that until these things happened in my life God wasn't as present and I wouldn't have made it through without faith and hope. I am pretty sure without my faith and leaning on the hope God knew I'd get through, I would be down a different path of drugs and alcohol and a life of much darker stuff as the others in my life have turned to.

Losing Ethan changed so much for me. I don't think God made it happen but when it happened he allowed it and sometimes I would like to think maybe he thought, "maybe this is the push she needs to work those areas of her life that have been haunting her." Because until Ethan, I didn't work on the devastation my heart felt due to the lack of parents, and the destroyed sense of self due to being violated as a child.

Now I still have a long very long way to go with learning to really engage and love myself inside and out. To know I am so worth it, and to know I WILL make a difference in the lives of others. Not because it will be easy, it's going to SUCK. I know it will, but I can do it. Through him all things are possible, and I want this so bad I can taste it.

I want to be a testament of Gods will and promises. I mean... I am still here and that says something, I would like to think.

Maybe the suicide attempts growing up, the cutting, the eating disorders helped band aid the pain for a while, But I needed God and I needed him more than ever.

I can't wait to see what's in store and find out my purpose. Maybe that won't be till much later but I would like to think I know a little of it now.

And I have to say sitting across the room from someone with no motives other than to help others understand Gods truth, promises. And telling you things you may or may not want to hear, but offering that gentle nudge to push forward when you think you can't is pretty freaking awesome.

Having someone borrow you hope when you don't have any. And feeling like you belong to somewhere and someone. And maybe even more than someone is even more incredible.

And then the most amazing, praying for you when your strength is gone and you feel like you could literally fall to the floor, and they still wrap their arms around you. Speaks volumes for Gods awesome work.

I am absolutely blessed that God loves me that much and that he is still there even if I don't feel it. He sure didn't let me down this past week. And bringing Flatirons community Church into my life was a gift I so needed. As well as a few special people God put on my side and they know who they are.

I guess I couldn't ask for more. Just some courage and strength to make it through the rest of life and the very very hard rough patches that are sure to come and will come. And that amazing Grace he seems to have.

And his presence as we spend our first ever holiday alone for the first time. I have to make my little family all that counts right now.

And I have asked him for his courage, I signed up for Hope mommies retreat in February the weekend before Ethans 4th heavenly birthday in hopes I can connect with other moms with the hope god has provided. I am nervous and never been away from my kids alone let alone in another state with no one I know. But I know this could be a great blessing.

And I have been praying to God about the upcoming baptism and I want to burry the old broken angela to bring to light and life the one he wants me to be, and I will be asking a special someone to be apart of that as well. I've been baptised before but I think this time there is a much bigger signifiance. The whole burrying the old Angela whos worth was determined by all the things that I've been through or that have been done to me. I don't want that, those things have no worth they are not me. I want to have the symbolic gesture of I guess being brought back from the water with a new life of what God thinks of my and my value to him. And those around me who have my best interest at heart.

In that dark place

It's been a rough few days for me, they come in patches and I know this too shall pass. But in the mean time I am stuck in a crummy place.
I miss Ethan I miss the fact I will never fell quite whole again. Or maybe I will but today I don't.
Grief workshop started again and I feel raw again. Not that I hadn’t a few days prior. My emotional state has been a brewing mess all week, and frankly... my mind and Satan are winning right now.
I don't want them to of course, but it is in fact the case.
Family pictures came and passed and I realized that day that I had forgot Ethan bear at home. So now our family picture is ruined in my mind. It doesn't mean they won't be treasured.
But I feel like I forgot him, and how do you forget your child? It’s not like I had to dress him and make sure he got in the car buckled up. I feel like the worst mom right now and now our family picture is even more incomplete than it already was in the first place.
I am having a hard time with the fact my third baby should be 4 soon. It makes me a little sick to know I don't get to hear him call me mom, that he would be in kindergarten soon and I don’t get that time with him. Milestones don’t end at the grave site I am missing so much.
So that started the brewing of emotions these past few weeks.
Then the holidays are coming and I don't have family nearby, I miss Ethan, and if I have to watch that stupid "Silent Night" Pampers commercial one more time I may just lose it. Silent night, sleeping babies in heavenly peace is more than I can take.
Then my brother wrote to me telling me how sorry he was for old childhood stuff that's silly and I am not mad at him for. However, it dug up past hurtful stuff with my stepfather.
Then guilt, shame, resentment and flat out confusion on why I am on this earth have set in. All these things that pop up and make me feel like the biggest failure. I allowed a man to molest me as a child for 3 years, I couldn't save my own child from death, my father ran out on me and has chosen to not have me in his life.
I have to admit I feel a bit abandoned and I can't climb over it right now, I am ready to hide in a hole until I can feel better. But I can't I have 5 kids who need me and I am a wife. I can't run away and if I did I might very well just be running from myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like this is bigger than me and I don't know where to turn.
I question why all these things have happened to me. Sure let my childhood play out the way it did, ok fine I can handle that. But letting my child die hurts more than I can tell anyone. Then to top it off without having the one thing I need and want sometimes as a girl, my father and I can't have that. I'll never be good enough and he doesn't love me enough. I must have done something wrong to make him be that way. I didn't chose to be born and his child but he gets to chose to walk out.
I want more than anything to be scooped up held and yes I am 30. I am a grown woman but I need it sometimes. Physically.
I don't know how as a 30 something year old woman I can still feel like a hurt child. Not having a father in my life that loves me is another loss and I have to learn to grieve and move on with.
With what steps I am not sure, how long I don't know. But the one thing I do know is I want to be able to forgive my father for not loving me the way I want to be loved, for not telling me he loves me and for leaving me. I want it so bad. But I am so hurt I don't know how to have that.
When I look at my kids or I see other parents hug, hold their children especially adult children. I want to find a corner and hide. Because, I am jealous. I want that too.....
And when I hold, love, or comfort my children I get angry that I was never important enough to receive that from my earthly father. I am lost on what I have done to make this be my life, or what it is about me that makes me so un-loveable. What have I done so bad or at all even to have a father such as mine? My father knows nothing about me other than I am a grown woman with 5 children. He doesn't know we are adopting, my favorite food, that we own a home, that I hate most things/physical traits about myself, that I miss Ethan more than anything in this life other than having him in mine.
I lost Ethan, he was taken from me and I can't get him back. Yet I stand as a firm, healthy, happy (for the most part), successful child of God. And my dad doesn't want a thing to do with that.
And coming from a life without a father I know how horrible, gut wrenching and life altering it is for a girl not to have an earthy father. I wish these men could see how much they are impacting these children who will grow to be women and how vital their role is in our lives. I wonder if he (my dad) knew this if it would change the choice he has made.
God should be enough and I know that. But right now I am not in that place where I can. And how do I get past that desire of having parents who want me? And I mean really want me, not just get stuck with me.
And I don't feel good enough for God. I try my best to lead a life like Jesus. Give all I can, be genuine and care about those less fortunate, give of my time and soul, love those around me, all those things and not for anything in return, not to get into heaven but because I want to be like him. And yet I feel so far from that.
I don't raise my hand in worship at church because I am afraid I look silly and he will think what the heck is she doing?
And honestly I know that realistically this is all crap but I am here now and I need for it to pass somehow.
I just really miss Ethan and I guess I am grieving a lost childhood myself.
It's been a week of pure emotional torture. Thank God for putting Flatirons into my life, without this church/home I would be so much more lost than I am.
I attended church services twice this week and each time cried, I attended the worship concert in hopes it would refresh and quench my soul.
I think I managed to get a step further ahead in my grief today but I am still hurting. I wish the pain was easier to hide, but it isn't. Today at the services no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears. And where I made progress is I didn't worry this time about everyone around me and how my crying would be taken. I am sure I wasn't the only one either.
When the songs at the end of service were sung, I cried hard, and I held hard onto hope that someday, I can be enough for him and that God can be all I need and it will comfort and satisfy my heart and soul.
I think the hardest part is I believe God I know what he has spoken and he has chosen me, but I just want that touch so bad.
You know you have had more than you can handle with life when you just want to get away, sadly I can't get away from myself. And I can't just hide in bed all day I have 5 kids but right now I need something. It's not that I am scared of hurting myself at all I am just at the end of my emotional rope for a week. I need to feel refreshed and joy and know what the heck all this emotional torture this week is about.

I am feeling down that I have no family nearby and that we will spend Thursday alone this week. Not that thanksgiving is that important to me. But Guy is on call and so more than likely I will be home alone for the first time on a holiday so maybe that’s partly what this is about. Dreading the holidays this year, being upset that my dad is who he is, and I miss Ethan, grief workshop last week was rough.

Rough because of all the suicides, I've been there it's been about two years to this time that I held tightly to a bottle of sleeping pills trying to gain the strength to take the whole darn bottle so I wouldn't wake up. Life hurt too much and I felt so alone, as I normally do but I didn’t have Jesus in my life as strong as I do now. And I didn't know how to cope. Death seemed so much more comforting. So I think the grief workshop kind of triggered this grief a little more than I already was dealing with. I've never been honest with myself how much I was hurting and all the times growing up I cut myself or took that bottle of aspirin one time, lesson learned there and I won't do that again. But I felt for all those people who took their lives…. I've been to that point of hurt and I am not sure what stopped me. Then a little sad for all those loved ones dealing with the aftermath of their lost loved ones. I always wondered if I died if anyone would care. Not that I need to think of that now.

What Pregnancy Loss really looks like.

I recently read a blog about what childloss really looks like and it resignted with me and captured me word for word and emotion by emotion. I felt trapped by her very words. So I decided to follow lead and tell what pregnancy loss looked like for me.

When we got the news Ethan's heart had stopped, I don't remember much other than the shattering echos of the doctors words, "I'm sorry we don't see any caradiac activity". I felt myself melt into the very ground below me and I just wanted to die.

"How could this be possible, I just felt him last night?", "My friend just lost her baby last year, how on earth could it happen to two people so closely intertwined?", and most of all "Why my baby?"

I went home and dreaded doing anything, I didn't want to look at my other two children in fear they would see my crumble in front of their very eyes, I felt dead, out of body and I couldn't believe this was my life.

I sat on the internet looking for a way to prepare my self for what I was about to go through, and there wasn't much. I had to just be prepared for what I saw my friend go through and how her son looked.

The cold dark red lips, cold skin, peeling possibly. And little did I know until I had my son, how much their skull moves around since they have passed and the skull bones are fussed. I think the first time I moved Ethan I almost lost it.

Going to the hospital that night to deliver my dead son was nothing like the other two childrens births. People avoided contact with me, no one really said anything. How could they? No one knows what to tell a mom who's body is carrying a dead child. As I was told "I'm sorry just didn't seem good enough".

I constantly rubbed my swollen belly in hopes they were wrong and he would kick and my nightmare would all be over. My body had failed me and I failed my child.

And here I was in the hospital to give birth and go through the same thing women in every room there were going through but in the end I recieved no rewards for the hard work behind it all.

I still had to push and yes I got lucky I guess it only took three pushes, but I promise those three pushes were much harder than the women in the other rooms going through many hours of pushing. Plain and simple I would be in a slient room after, other than the cries I made which felt earth shattering. I remember before the third push they said he was coming and I just screamed " I can't do this and I don't want to do this".

I didn't want to see my lifeless baby and I didn't want to make this nightmare a reality. I didn't get to see my babys eyes, hear him cry and make this 12 hours of labor worth it.

If I pushed and delivered him my life was going to stop. Or so it felt at the time.

After my son was born no one came around, who would want to go into this cold room, when nothing they could do or say would make anything the slightest bit better?

In-fact the only person I saw outside my family and a couple close friends was my ob who came over that afternoon, she wanted to check on me and make sure that if I wanted to hurt myself I would tell her.

I was very close to her and I think her stepping into that room, putting her arms around me and letting me sob was the first step besides holding my son into healing.

But while waiting hours later after giving birth I realized how alone my life was going to be from those moments on. I was abadonded by hospital staff, purposely maybe or maybe not. Maybe it was to protect me and not make me feel worse, or maybe they werent educated.

But no one ever came back to make sure I was ok, in fact the next time we talked to a nurse again was at 5pm that night so only 9 hours after giving birth to tell them I wanted to go home I couldn't stand to be there anymore.

I had to let someone else take my baby and know I would never ever get to hold him again or touch his face. I had to be wheeled out of a room where my baby sat alone and none of it was natural.



On the way home it was silent my husband and I didn't know what to say, I could of said I am sorry for not protecting him and now I life is going to be a living hell for a few years, or he could tell me as he did a year later, it was his fault he didn't really want another baby buy did it for me. So by him not wanting another it was his fault. All things irrational, yes. But felt.

Then not only do you go through the whole birth process like everyone else, sign papers for your baby to have an audtopsy to find out why only to feel like shit because you chose to have your baby cut open and messed with, to getting your milk in and being slapped in the face because your body doesn't know your baby died, to sitting in a hospital room calling funeral homes and trying to pick the best one, if thats even possible in your state of mind, to life has to go on even if you want it to stop. Then you get to be the plague to the rest of the world.

People avoid you at all costs, why because baby loss is unimaginable, frightful especially fro pregnant friends and family and then not only that but no one wants to say the wrong thing or knows what to say. So plain and simple your avoided.

Its no ones fault I get that and I am thankful for the few friends I did have. The ones who came and looked at my dead baby in a casket trying to make sense of the world we live in and how bad things like this just don't happen.

But in fact they do, to 30,000 plus families every single year.

As Laura Schubert states
http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.