Rae,
Our time is coming to a close and I guess I never imagined finding someone who would get me or at least try to understand me.
Granted I know you’re a counselor and that's your job, but you always went above and beyond.
I remember the first time walking into your office I thought for sure, "this lady will never understand me and I will be the crazy lady who lost a baby". But it’s not at all what happened. Instead you read a brief background about my loss and you’re cried with me.
I admit I was apprehensive at first because I had been hurt more times by others and I thought for sure the things you were saying or your tears were a show to suck me in so to speak.
But instead found out over time that it was your true heart and you were one of a kind.
You helped me get out of the horrible path I was facing more than once you reassured me several times that you didn't just say things because you had to that you indeed did care.
That you were touched by me as a person. That comment itself was probably one of the most treasured things I will carry with me. I hope someday to be as great of a person as you are. That I can be as authentic and genuine even in fear of being hurt.
I keep the relaxation cd with me in times of need, I read your letter when I feel desperate and need some cheering up.
I often find myself laughing at things you did to try to cheer me up or make me quit being so stubborn. And I also find myself in tears knowing that I yet have to experience another type of loss.
When I walked into your office a year and a half ago I didn't think it would be a long term thing at all, I never guessed I would form a relationship that would be worthwhile. I always thought I was inferior only to realize I am right there with you. I always frowned at the thought of a counselor and yet weekly, sometimes more than once a week to every other week I looked forward to seeing you.
You always kept right behind me even when I thought that I would be left behind in the process. There was always a hand held out even if it wasn’t visible.
I am going to miss chatting and spilling my weekly, bi-weekly crap to you. I am going to miss you in general and hope that I learn how to cope with this loss as well as I have learned to cope with Ethan being gone. It’s not a matter of can I? As much as it is I don't want to.
I know nothing good in life is easy but I wish this was easier. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. And I still picture myself like a stubborn toddler stomping their feet, because it isn't fair and I don't want to say goodbye again.
To you I owe heart and I promise to make you proud.
Always and Forever,
Angela
Monday, June 14, 2010
Here and there
The two and a half year mark is quickly approaching fast. Its amamzing how quickly we forget somethings and yet those other things are forever engrained into our heads and hearts.
Twenty nine months ago I thought for sure I would never be the same, that my life was over or at least the one I had always known. And in retrospect yup it is. But its not over it just began that long ago.
I never thought I would be able to get past being angry and bitter. That I would always hate God and that I would just crawl into a hole and die. I think part of me did die but I also think a part of me was born again.
A part I never knew existed. A part where my heart was filled with a love and compassion beyond measure. Sometimes it hurts because I feel like my heart could burst.
I recently did a session for a family who lost their first baby and then I got a voicemail from a mom, who was giving me some information for a slide show and in her message her broke down upon the mention of her Angels name. It was then my heart felt that way. I knew what she was feeling the anguish, pain, raw heart wrenching pain at that. The longing for her little girl.
Then we chatted and it felt so good to be able to tell someone that it was ok to break down and be able to give some guidance on something that I don't think there really is a pratical book for.
Since a year ago I have been so honored to be apart of something bigger than I can ever achieve on my own, and forget all of that anyways. But without having lost Ethan I would have never been on this path.
And I have made some of the most amazing friends because of it. I am able to be more authentic with myself and others, and at the same time be able to help someone walking this lonely path.
So I guess what I am saying is I know that in the beginning of this journey everything was so confusing, raw, painful and seemed un-imaginable even though I was going through it. I thought it would never end and that I was going to suffocate from pain.
But it does change, it doesnt get easier. I could never use that word. Because saying my child is gone, dead, in Heaven etc will never get easier. Looking at the devestation, horror and loss for words in strangers faces will never get easier.
But it does channel differently. My arms will always ache, I will always have my rollercoaster down days, I will still sob and want Ethan here with us and there will always be a milestone we didnt get to watch with him.
No one could have prepared me to lose a child, not then and not even now being through it. But if someone would have told me that I would be where I am twenty nine months later, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have shook my head in disbelief.
But it does and will happen. I was there and I am still here now.
Twenty nine months ago I thought for sure I would never be the same, that my life was over or at least the one I had always known. And in retrospect yup it is. But its not over it just began that long ago.
I never thought I would be able to get past being angry and bitter. That I would always hate God and that I would just crawl into a hole and die. I think part of me did die but I also think a part of me was born again.
A part I never knew existed. A part where my heart was filled with a love and compassion beyond measure. Sometimes it hurts because I feel like my heart could burst.
I recently did a session for a family who lost their first baby and then I got a voicemail from a mom, who was giving me some information for a slide show and in her message her broke down upon the mention of her Angels name. It was then my heart felt that way. I knew what she was feeling the anguish, pain, raw heart wrenching pain at that. The longing for her little girl.
Then we chatted and it felt so good to be able to tell someone that it was ok to break down and be able to give some guidance on something that I don't think there really is a pratical book for.
Since a year ago I have been so honored to be apart of something bigger than I can ever achieve on my own, and forget all of that anyways. But without having lost Ethan I would have never been on this path.
And I have made some of the most amazing friends because of it. I am able to be more authentic with myself and others, and at the same time be able to help someone walking this lonely path.
So I guess what I am saying is I know that in the beginning of this journey everything was so confusing, raw, painful and seemed un-imaginable even though I was going through it. I thought it would never end and that I was going to suffocate from pain.
But it does change, it doesnt get easier. I could never use that word. Because saying my child is gone, dead, in Heaven etc will never get easier. Looking at the devestation, horror and loss for words in strangers faces will never get easier.
But it does channel differently. My arms will always ache, I will always have my rollercoaster down days, I will still sob and want Ethan here with us and there will always be a milestone we didnt get to watch with him.
No one could have prepared me to lose a child, not then and not even now being through it. But if someone would have told me that I would be where I am twenty nine months later, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have shook my head in disbelief.
But it does and will happen. I was there and I am still here now.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Loss and Living
It has been a heck of a few days and sometimes like these I sit and reflect others I cry. Yesterday was a crying day for sure.
Someone wrote to me and said " I'm always thinking of you. You inspire me to press on. This journey through grief is tough. And sometimes I get tired of putting on a good face when I'm dying inside, because I'm afraid other will judge me. But you're not. Your Bold and Honest and Unfiltered and Raw. It's refreshing. I wish I had your strength."
I sat for a few minutes and let it sink it because I am not very good with compliments at all especially when I feel so weak myself. And I thought yeah I feel pretty special that other's can look at me this way, despite me feeling weak and sorry for myself.
Grief flat out sucks, its hard and it can really suck everything you have out of you. Most of the time and especially in the past I have been known to put on a brave face and say I'm ok when I feel I'm dying inside. Usually because of lack of healthy grieving I was allowed while growing up. I was always taught to supress emotion that it was no good and so I lived in fear of being told I was wrong or that other's might find me odd.
But with some things have been able to be raw, unfiltered, honest and I guess bold. Mostly with Ethan but now Im learning to be all of that with everyday things. But it's sucks sometimes because feel vunerable.
Even with Ethan and those things. I shared some pictures the other day and someone found it offensive and I was taken back because it was another photographer and I guess I never in a million years thought one of my own colleagues would judge and find my son in that way. So I was taken back and I wanted to go back to before I showed his pictures.
But realized I had a choice and that I didnt need that relatonship anymore. That I was an adult I was allowed to be hurt those were my feelings and I owned them. So I cried and I shared my feelings and moved on.
But sometimes being unfiltered, honest, and raw are so hard. Things like the relationship with my father. Here is a man who has walked in and out of my life from the age of 15. And every single time I fall back into being a little girl wanting a dad so bad that I have let him hurt me. Until recently.
I wrote to him and explained my feelings and how hurt I was and what t was I needed now and what i was willing to take. And I got a response that brought me down at first until procesed it and my friend was right. He can't be emotionally healthy so he couldn't have possibly given me the response that would have brought closure. But I was hurt by the lies and I was also taken back because all I ever wanted was to be heard and I felt so far from that.
But I guess maybe in his own way he did say he heard me or at least I hope so. But this is the hard part sticking to my word and not allowing him to bring me down and finally at almost 29 accepting the loss of my father.
He can't and probably won't ever be anykind of father to me. Not because he doesn't want to necessarly but because he doesn't know how. He has spent a lifetime in a very unstable, unhealthy enviroment. So I guess maybe it's best to know that the lack of a father verse having him as he is is better for me and for my kids.
I think I have accepted that for the most part it still hurts but more than anything the constant loss in my life is what hurts the most. It's knowing I was robbed I guess of so much growing up and how I turned out how I am I don't know.
So I guess thank you to my friend who said those kind uplifting words to me today I needed to hear it not even knowing I needed it. I guess being all of those things is good because I am inspiring others to be the same.
But to her I say it's not easy and you will be judged but I guess at some point I made the choice not to care so much. And I will be here for you too. I won't judge and I'll listen to you.
Someone wrote to me and said " I'm always thinking of you. You inspire me to press on. This journey through grief is tough. And sometimes I get tired of putting on a good face when I'm dying inside, because I'm afraid other will judge me. But you're not. Your Bold and Honest and Unfiltered and Raw. It's refreshing. I wish I had your strength."
I sat for a few minutes and let it sink it because I am not very good with compliments at all especially when I feel so weak myself. And I thought yeah I feel pretty special that other's can look at me this way, despite me feeling weak and sorry for myself.
Grief flat out sucks, its hard and it can really suck everything you have out of you. Most of the time and especially in the past I have been known to put on a brave face and say I'm ok when I feel I'm dying inside. Usually because of lack of healthy grieving I was allowed while growing up. I was always taught to supress emotion that it was no good and so I lived in fear of being told I was wrong or that other's might find me odd.
But with some things have been able to be raw, unfiltered, honest and I guess bold. Mostly with Ethan but now Im learning to be all of that with everyday things. But it's sucks sometimes because feel vunerable.
Even with Ethan and those things. I shared some pictures the other day and someone found it offensive and I was taken back because it was another photographer and I guess I never in a million years thought one of my own colleagues would judge and find my son in that way. So I was taken back and I wanted to go back to before I showed his pictures.
But realized I had a choice and that I didnt need that relatonship anymore. That I was an adult I was allowed to be hurt those were my feelings and I owned them. So I cried and I shared my feelings and moved on.
But sometimes being unfiltered, honest, and raw are so hard. Things like the relationship with my father. Here is a man who has walked in and out of my life from the age of 15. And every single time I fall back into being a little girl wanting a dad so bad that I have let him hurt me. Until recently.
I wrote to him and explained my feelings and how hurt I was and what t was I needed now and what i was willing to take. And I got a response that brought me down at first until procesed it and my friend was right. He can't be emotionally healthy so he couldn't have possibly given me the response that would have brought closure. But I was hurt by the lies and I was also taken back because all I ever wanted was to be heard and I felt so far from that.
But I guess maybe in his own way he did say he heard me or at least I hope so. But this is the hard part sticking to my word and not allowing him to bring me down and finally at almost 29 accepting the loss of my father.
He can't and probably won't ever be anykind of father to me. Not because he doesn't want to necessarly but because he doesn't know how. He has spent a lifetime in a very unstable, unhealthy enviroment. So I guess maybe it's best to know that the lack of a father verse having him as he is is better for me and for my kids.
I think I have accepted that for the most part it still hurts but more than anything the constant loss in my life is what hurts the most. It's knowing I was robbed I guess of so much growing up and how I turned out how I am I don't know.
So I guess thank you to my friend who said those kind uplifting words to me today I needed to hear it not even knowing I needed it. I guess being all of those things is good because I am inspiring others to be the same.
But to her I say it's not easy and you will be judged but I guess at some point I made the choice not to care so much. And I will be here for you too. I won't judge and I'll listen to you.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Vayden
Another day in my life when I am blindsided by grief. Another birthday for another Angel who's family has aching arms and yet a heart full of apperciation.
It brings back all those feelings of anger, saddness, hopelessness, confusion and then at the end joy.
As my cyber sister deals with all those minute by minute vivid memorys and heartache, I too sit with her from many miles away. Why? because it makes me think of Ethan and all those feelings I had almost 2 and a half years ago. It makes me sad another mom, dad and sibling are sitting around feeling that pain.
But I do get that joy because stephanie is a great mom and has turned her loss into something bigger to help other familys, and friends. And best of all I know her.
So this year while we celebrate Vayden's 1st Birthday in Heaven from many miles away from his amazing family I too will still sit with her in the mourning booth. Im sad I never got to know this little boy.
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Vayden. Eat tons of Angel cake and if your belly hurts I'm sure you have many friends who will snuggle with you.
Here is Stephanie's blog
http://vaydenjamesstewart.blogspot.com/
www.ihavemyveryownangel.blogspot.com
It brings back all those feelings of anger, saddness, hopelessness, confusion and then at the end joy.
As my cyber sister deals with all those minute by minute vivid memorys and heartache, I too sit with her from many miles away. Why? because it makes me think of Ethan and all those feelings I had almost 2 and a half years ago. It makes me sad another mom, dad and sibling are sitting around feeling that pain.
But I do get that joy because stephanie is a great mom and has turned her loss into something bigger to help other familys, and friends. And best of all I know her.
So this year while we celebrate Vayden's 1st Birthday in Heaven from many miles away from his amazing family I too will still sit with her in the mourning booth. Im sad I never got to know this little boy.
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Vayden. Eat tons of Angel cake and if your belly hurts I'm sure you have many friends who will snuggle with you.
Here is Stephanie's blog
http://vaydenjamesstewart.blogspot.com/
www.ihavemyveryownangel.blogspot.com
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Just Blah
Here I am almost 8 weeks into a new pregnancy and I know beyond a doubt that the time I am given is a miracle and to treasure it day by day. Even if that means tomorrow its all over.
It's hard though I have had so many dreams where at 12 weeks I learn we have a baby who will fight for its life and recieve the horrible term "not compatible with life." And I either wake up sobbing or can't sleep again.
Every possible pain, strange twinge that happens, spot of blood. Anything has me terrified. I sit and think do I really want to get attached to another life that can be taken away from me? Granted I think I am safe to say I don't think I will have a miscarriage. Now yes it can still happen but I think in my heart I know that I won't have to endure that again for the 5th time. I am not nieve innocence is just gone...But I want to be attached and I want to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I want to be able to have a name to call this baby and we already have it's name but I wonder if the special people we want to name him/her after will be honored by that still?
But somewhere inside I am struggling to deeply love right this very moment with this baby. Of course now if tomorrow if I woke up bledding and found out it was over I would be beyond crushed.
I sit and wonder if I am really ready for this full range of emotions rollercoaster I am on now? One minute I will be very up and the next full force crashing down. And most of it alone.
I did decide with all the dreams I have been having that without any question if we were given the diagnosis "not compatiable with life" that I would absolutely carry as long as God gave me. Several reasons but the biggest one is I cannot and will not have an abortion and if that is the path we are given then I would want to say goodbye just like we did with Ethan.
Sure it would be heartbreaking and it would crush me again. But I would need that closure and I know with Ethan all I wanted was even a minute with him breathing to tell him I loved him. And I will take anytime I am given with this child to let them know nothing but absolute love. Either on earth or if destined in Heaven.
I don't know why I am having these dreams and why I am preparing myself for the worst, but I think after losing so much in life I guess preparation is the key to survival.
I am sure my dreams are just crazy pregnant dreams of course but I just don't want to say I know anything for a fact. I was sure with Ethan we would be bringing him home and I never thought I would have 4 miscarriages.
I am not really sure where I became a mom.... was it when they layed my first baby in my arms? Or a few days later? Or in my pregnancy? But I do know for a fact that becoming a mom has been one of the most rewarding, time counsuming with every ounce of my soul things that I have ever been privilaged to do. I know each of my children has taught me something new and that each of them has shown me a new love. And loss has taught me to treasure all the time I am given with my children, family and friends.
It's not easy as nothing good in life ever is. I have experienced enough loss in life and don't know if I can handle any more. But I am sure this little life will teach me new things, apperciation as well.
Another thing weighing heavy on my mind latley is the end of counseling in the next few months. I don't have to and I know that but I think deep down I know that I have spent the past year with one of the most loving, caring, life changing people I have ever met. And I know that she cannot and will not always be my security blanket. It's like a toddler carrying around a security blanket or stuffed animal. Sooner or later goodbye will come. But I feel like that toddler stomping her feet, screaming "but I dont want to". Sure she will always be 45 minutes away, but its like a best friend going off to war, you don't get those daily, weekly monthly phone chats or chats over coffee.
I want to be able to share my up's and down's and stupid moments. I want to make her laugh at my stupidity now and then and then laugh with her when I feel uncomfortable. Like this week screaming out loud in her office, and her lying on her office floor because I was being stubborn, the times a gental hug makes all the difference, a slant of her body to the edge of the chair reaching out to me just to say she cares even if I am doing by best to push her away in fear of being hurt by yet another human being who says they care but will walk away undoubtably, the shared tears. Bottom line the unconditional friendship/love.
But I hate goodbye and I am sick of having to say goodbye. Sure there is am email that can be exchanged now and then. But it will never be the same. I know I can be me there. I can say the most stupid stuff and she accepts me for me. Unconditionally.
I have a few friends and a ton of online friends who yes get me an accept me flaws and all but I don't know there is just something different there. I guess its more uncondtional than I have ever had in any sense of security in another human being. I can go week after week and break down or say something competly off the wall and the next week she will still greet me with a smile or hug at the end. She is like the big sister I always wanted.
It's like I get these little glimpses in life of how normalcy should be and how people who are authentic really are. But its not without conditions the condition here is I have to say goodbye.
But really how do you say goodbye? I was forced to with Ethan. I never wanted to it was never in our plans to burry our child first. Life is not fair that is not at all what I am saying. I am however saying why do I get handed things like this and have to experience loss all over again.
I cannot imagine life without a simple conversation ever again with her, and I am amazingly blessed to have met her without a doubt. I would not be where I am today stumbles, tears, laughter, pain and all. But why do good things have to end?
Why couldn't I have ran into her at a grocery store of later on at some mom's things after her precious little boy is born?
I feel crazy for even blogging about this because of course I worry I am the only crazy person out there that feels this way. But honeslty from the bottom of my heart its like losing a best friend. I share everything with her and even with I feel like the world's biggest loser she is always there reassuring me I am far from that. She has helped me learn so much about myself and helped me become a better person in general.
It's like she is family according to this quote "What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers,sometimes even strangers."
"You once did something for me more meaningful than the greatest of deeds; you held me in your arms and let me cry"
I am just in a tough place tonight I think. Pregnancy hormones, experiencing saddness, missing Ethan and just plain confused I guess.
It's hard though I have had so many dreams where at 12 weeks I learn we have a baby who will fight for its life and recieve the horrible term "not compatible with life." And I either wake up sobbing or can't sleep again.
Every possible pain, strange twinge that happens, spot of blood. Anything has me terrified. I sit and think do I really want to get attached to another life that can be taken away from me? Granted I think I am safe to say I don't think I will have a miscarriage. Now yes it can still happen but I think in my heart I know that I won't have to endure that again for the 5th time. I am not nieve innocence is just gone...But I want to be attached and I want to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I want to be able to have a name to call this baby and we already have it's name but I wonder if the special people we want to name him/her after will be honored by that still?
But somewhere inside I am struggling to deeply love right this very moment with this baby. Of course now if tomorrow if I woke up bledding and found out it was over I would be beyond crushed.
I sit and wonder if I am really ready for this full range of emotions rollercoaster I am on now? One minute I will be very up and the next full force crashing down. And most of it alone.
I did decide with all the dreams I have been having that without any question if we were given the diagnosis "not compatiable with life" that I would absolutely carry as long as God gave me. Several reasons but the biggest one is I cannot and will not have an abortion and if that is the path we are given then I would want to say goodbye just like we did with Ethan.
Sure it would be heartbreaking and it would crush me again. But I would need that closure and I know with Ethan all I wanted was even a minute with him breathing to tell him I loved him. And I will take anytime I am given with this child to let them know nothing but absolute love. Either on earth or if destined in Heaven.
I don't know why I am having these dreams and why I am preparing myself for the worst, but I think after losing so much in life I guess preparation is the key to survival.
I am sure my dreams are just crazy pregnant dreams of course but I just don't want to say I know anything for a fact. I was sure with Ethan we would be bringing him home and I never thought I would have 4 miscarriages.
I am not really sure where I became a mom.... was it when they layed my first baby in my arms? Or a few days later? Or in my pregnancy? But I do know for a fact that becoming a mom has been one of the most rewarding, time counsuming with every ounce of my soul things that I have ever been privilaged to do. I know each of my children has taught me something new and that each of them has shown me a new love. And loss has taught me to treasure all the time I am given with my children, family and friends.
It's not easy as nothing good in life ever is. I have experienced enough loss in life and don't know if I can handle any more. But I am sure this little life will teach me new things, apperciation as well.
Another thing weighing heavy on my mind latley is the end of counseling in the next few months. I don't have to and I know that but I think deep down I know that I have spent the past year with one of the most loving, caring, life changing people I have ever met. And I know that she cannot and will not always be my security blanket. It's like a toddler carrying around a security blanket or stuffed animal. Sooner or later goodbye will come. But I feel like that toddler stomping her feet, screaming "but I dont want to". Sure she will always be 45 minutes away, but its like a best friend going off to war, you don't get those daily, weekly monthly phone chats or chats over coffee.
I want to be able to share my up's and down's and stupid moments. I want to make her laugh at my stupidity now and then and then laugh with her when I feel uncomfortable. Like this week screaming out loud in her office, and her lying on her office floor because I was being stubborn, the times a gental hug makes all the difference, a slant of her body to the edge of the chair reaching out to me just to say she cares even if I am doing by best to push her away in fear of being hurt by yet another human being who says they care but will walk away undoubtably, the shared tears. Bottom line the unconditional friendship/love.
But I hate goodbye and I am sick of having to say goodbye. Sure there is am email that can be exchanged now and then. But it will never be the same. I know I can be me there. I can say the most stupid stuff and she accepts me for me. Unconditionally.
I have a few friends and a ton of online friends who yes get me an accept me flaws and all but I don't know there is just something different there. I guess its more uncondtional than I have ever had in any sense of security in another human being. I can go week after week and break down or say something competly off the wall and the next week she will still greet me with a smile or hug at the end. She is like the big sister I always wanted.
It's like I get these little glimpses in life of how normalcy should be and how people who are authentic really are. But its not without conditions the condition here is I have to say goodbye.
But really how do you say goodbye? I was forced to with Ethan. I never wanted to it was never in our plans to burry our child first. Life is not fair that is not at all what I am saying. I am however saying why do I get handed things like this and have to experience loss all over again.
I cannot imagine life without a simple conversation ever again with her, and I am amazingly blessed to have met her without a doubt. I would not be where I am today stumbles, tears, laughter, pain and all. But why do good things have to end?
Why couldn't I have ran into her at a grocery store of later on at some mom's things after her precious little boy is born?
I feel crazy for even blogging about this because of course I worry I am the only crazy person out there that feels this way. But honeslty from the bottom of my heart its like losing a best friend. I share everything with her and even with I feel like the world's biggest loser she is always there reassuring me I am far from that. She has helped me learn so much about myself and helped me become a better person in general.
It's like she is family according to this quote "What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers,sometimes even strangers."
"You once did something for me more meaningful than the greatest of deeds; you held me in your arms and let me cry"
I am just in a tough place tonight I think. Pregnancy hormones, experiencing saddness, missing Ethan and just plain confused I guess.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Pondering
Two years kinda just came and went and the two year mark was much harder than I anticipated. Somedays I find myself wrapped in complete joy and happiness and realize it and suddenly feel guilty. But I have to remind myself that its ok Ethan would absolutely want me to be happy.
I am just sad we don't get to hear his laughter....
Somtimes I find myself sitting alone with a big open hole in my heart and I want to be rescued and other's I just want to be alone to grieve.
I guess when I think about this path and journey I am on yes I am forever grateful because without losing Ethan I would not know the people I know and I would not have this great desire to change the world. Sure I can't make losing a child disappear but I can make it a little easier to bear.
Looking around sometimes I see glimpes of Ethan's life the one he should have and the one I am sure he does have.
I am overprotective of his things because they cannot be replaced.
But I have had to learn to just let it go. It's just an item but yes its hard. A few days ago the dog (yes the pain in the ass, chew everything up one) got a hold of Ethan's giraffe that we bought for his 2nd Heavenly Birthday. And well it didn't survive. He has a hole in his head, a missing ear, tail and rather mangled.
It made me pretty sad at first and then I thought about it, its just a stuffed animal it's not Ethan, and had it been one of the other kids stuffed animals I wouldn't have been near as mad. I am so not a stuffed animal person at all. Hate the things.. they collect and take over the house.
So I let it go there was no sense in holding on to that saddness the stuff animal wouldn't bring Ethan back and it wasn't like it was his favortie stuffed animal that he wouldn't sleep without. he simply didn't need it....I did or so I thought.
Now if it would have been the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital oh good lord you would have to lock me up. I accidently washed the thing a few months after he was gone and I about wanted to die then. It took months to let go of that anger, at myself, the hurt that it wouldnt smell like him anymore. But in reality it would be ok. But if it was gone that would be a whole other story.
Easter after we lost him my grandmother got all the kids a cake egg with a little sign with their names on it and she included Ethan, God bless her. Well of course he didn't get to eat it and no I did not keep it I promise. But I did keep the little stick with him name written with icing on it. Can't let it go no way no how. It would feel like I am getting rid of a part of him. Funny its just his name written in icing. But "ah" it wasn't just that it was someone else writing my sons name and acknowledging him.
Sadly the icing is coming off too :)
Funny I was just thinking about it and it's kinda a reminder really the icing that is... It's like he is here but part of him is missing. Since part of his name has suddenly disappeared.
It is those little things that we do have though that we can keep and feel like they are here with us. That is the hardest part. We collect things to fill that void or at least I do and I think I always will I want things and pieces of him here until I can be with him.
I have the candles from each Birthday so far, a few flowers from flower arrangements from friends this past birthday. Just simple things I want to hold on it to fill that void. I don't get to collect his school papers, dates of achievements, lock of hair so this will have to do.
I am just sad we don't get to hear his laughter....
Somtimes I find myself sitting alone with a big open hole in my heart and I want to be rescued and other's I just want to be alone to grieve.
I guess when I think about this path and journey I am on yes I am forever grateful because without losing Ethan I would not know the people I know and I would not have this great desire to change the world. Sure I can't make losing a child disappear but I can make it a little easier to bear.
Looking around sometimes I see glimpes of Ethan's life the one he should have and the one I am sure he does have.
I am overprotective of his things because they cannot be replaced.
But I have had to learn to just let it go. It's just an item but yes its hard. A few days ago the dog (yes the pain in the ass, chew everything up one) got a hold of Ethan's giraffe that we bought for his 2nd Heavenly Birthday. And well it didn't survive. He has a hole in his head, a missing ear, tail and rather mangled.
It made me pretty sad at first and then I thought about it, its just a stuffed animal it's not Ethan, and had it been one of the other kids stuffed animals I wouldn't have been near as mad. I am so not a stuffed animal person at all. Hate the things.. they collect and take over the house.So I let it go there was no sense in holding on to that saddness the stuff animal wouldn't bring Ethan back and it wasn't like it was his favortie stuffed animal that he wouldn't sleep without. he simply didn't need it....I did or so I thought.
Now if it would have been the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital oh good lord you would have to lock me up. I accidently washed the thing a few months after he was gone and I about wanted to die then. It took months to let go of that anger, at myself, the hurt that it wouldnt smell like him anymore. But in reality it would be ok. But if it was gone that would be a whole other story.
Easter after we lost him my grandmother got all the kids a cake egg with a little sign with their names on it and she included Ethan, God bless her. Well of course he didn't get to eat it and no I did not keep it I promise. But I did keep the little stick with him name written with icing on it. Can't let it go no way no how. It would feel like I am getting rid of a part of him. Funny its just his name written in icing. But "ah" it wasn't just that it was someone else writing my sons name and acknowledging him.
Sadly the icing is coming off too :)
Funny I was just thinking about it and it's kinda a reminder really the icing that is... It's like he is here but part of him is missing. Since part of his name has suddenly disappeared.
It is those little things that we do have though that we can keep and feel like they are here with us. That is the hardest part. We collect things to fill that void or at least I do and I think I always will I want things and pieces of him here until I can be with him.
I have the candles from each Birthday so far, a few flowers from flower arrangements from friends this past birthday. Just simple things I want to hold on it to fill that void. I don't get to collect his school papers, dates of achievements, lock of hair so this will have to do.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Ethan's 2nd Heavenly Birthday
I had a few of my family, closest friends and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep family join in celebrating Ethan's 2nd Heavenly Birthday and Dominique and Katherine captured some wonderful images for me.
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