Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Just Blah

Here I am almost 8 weeks into a new pregnancy and I know beyond a doubt that the time I am given is a miracle and to treasure it day by day.  Even if that means tomorrow its all over.

It's hard though I have had so many dreams where at 12 weeks I learn we have a baby who will fight for its life and recieve the horrible term "not compatible with life."  And I either wake up sobbing or can't sleep again. 

Every possible pain, strange twinge that happens, spot of blood.  Anything has me terrified.  I sit and think do I really want to get attached to another life that can be taken away from me?  Granted I think I am safe to say I don't think I will have a miscarriage.  Now yes it can still happen but I think in my heart I know that I won't have to endure that again for the 5th time.  I am not nieve innocence is just gone...But I want to be attached and I want to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I want to be able to have a name to call this baby and we already have it's name but I wonder if the special people we want to name him/her after will be honored by that still?

But somewhere inside I am struggling to deeply love right this very moment with this baby.  Of course now if tomorrow if I woke up bledding and found out it was over I would be beyond crushed.

I sit and wonder if I am really ready for this full range of emotions rollercoaster I am on now? One minute I will be very up and the next full force crashing down. And most of it alone.

I did decide with all the dreams I have been having that without any question if we were given the diagnosis "not compatiable with life" that I would absolutely carry as long as God gave me.   Several reasons but the biggest one is I cannot and will not have an abortion and if that is the path we are given then I would want to say goodbye just like we did with Ethan.

Sure it would be heartbreaking and it would crush me again.  But I would need that closure and I know with Ethan all I wanted was even a minute with him breathing to tell him I loved him.  And I will take anytime I am given with this child to let them know nothing but absolute love.  Either on earth or if destined in Heaven.

I don't know why I am having these dreams and why I am preparing myself for the worst, but I think after losing so much in life I guess preparation is the key to survival.

I am sure my dreams are just crazy pregnant dreams of course but I just don't want to say I know anything for a fact.  I was sure with Ethan we would be bringing him home and I never thought I would have 4 miscarriages.

I am not really sure where I became a mom.... was it when they layed my first baby in my arms?  Or a few days later?  Or in my pregnancy?  But I do know for a fact that becoming a mom has been one of the most rewarding, time counsuming with every ounce of my soul  things that I have ever been privilaged to do.  I know each of my children has taught me something new and that each of them has shown me a new love.  And loss has taught me to treasure all the time I am given with my children, family and friends.

It's not easy as nothing good in life ever is.  I have experienced enough loss in life and don't know if I can handle any more.  But I am sure this little life will teach me new things, apperciation as well.

Another thing weighing heavy on my mind latley is the end of counseling in the next few months.  I don't have to and I know that but I think deep down I know that I have spent the past year with one of the most loving, caring, life changing people I have ever met.  And I know that she cannot and will not always be my security blanket.  It's like a toddler carrying around a security blanket or stuffed animal.  Sooner or later goodbye will come.  But I feel like that toddler stomping her feet, screaming "but I dont want to".  Sure she will always be 45 minutes away, but its like a best friend going off to war, you don't get those daily, weekly monthly phone chats or chats over coffee.

I want to be able to share my up's and down's and stupid moments.  I want to make her laugh at my stupidity now and then and then laugh with her when I feel uncomfortable.  Like this week screaming out loud in her office, and her lying on her office floor because I was being stubborn, the times a gental hug makes all the difference, a slant of her body to the edge of the chair reaching out to me just to say she cares even if I am doing by best to push her away in fear of being hurt by yet another human being who says they care but will walk away undoubtably, the shared tears. Bottom line the unconditional friendship/love.

But I hate goodbye and I am sick of having to say goodbye.  Sure there is am email that can be exchanged now and then.  But it will never be the same.  I know I can be me there.  I can say the most stupid stuff and she accepts me for me.  Unconditionally.

I have a few friends and a ton of online friends who yes get me an accept me flaws and all but I don't know there is just something different there.  I guess its more uncondtional than I have ever had in any sense of security in another human being.  I can go week after week and break down or say something competly off the wall and the next week she will still greet me with a smile or hug at the end.  She is like the big sister I always wanted.

It's like I get these little glimpses in life of how normalcy should be and how people who are authentic really are.  But its not without conditions the condition here is I have to say goodbye.

But really how do you say goodbye?  I was forced to with Ethan.  I never wanted to it was never in our plans to burry our child first.  Life is not fair that is not at all what I am saying.  I am however saying why do I get handed things like this and have to experience loss all over again.

I cannot imagine life without a simple conversation ever again with her, and I am amazingly blessed to have met her without a doubt.  I would not be where I am today stumbles, tears, laughter, pain and all.  But why do good things have to end?

Why couldn't I have ran into her at a grocery store of later on at some mom's things after her precious little boy is born? 

I feel crazy for even blogging about this because of course I worry I am the only crazy person out there that feels this way.  But honeslty from the bottom of my heart its like losing a best friend.  I share everything with her and even with I feel like the world's biggest loser she is always there reassuring me I am far from that.  She has helped me learn so much about myself and helped me become a better person in general.

It's like she is family according to this quote "What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers,sometimes even strangers."

"You once did something for me more meaningful than the greatest of deeds; you held me in your arms and let me cry"

I am just in a tough place tonight I think.  Pregnancy hormones, experiencing saddness, missing Ethan and just plain confused I guess.