Thursday, July 23, 2009

Very Trying

This week has been just as the title says. Im so sad and Im in a funk I can't get out of. I was hoping counseling would help and it did to a degree but it's still here.

Somedays I just want to sit and cry and have someone to sit and cry with and talk to until I feel better. When the sessions are over it feels like the hour went by so fast and Im left with this void still. Which I know the session will never fill. But thats my place where I can open up and cry and feel normal and understood. I dont know if longer sessions would make me feel better or complete even but I wish it would.

I wish something anything would make this pain go away.

Counseling is limited and its hard I think next week is going to end up the biggest break down she will have ever seen. I feel it coming I dont know why I just do. Lets hope she doesnt think Iv lost my mind.

Im sad and I can't seem to fill that hole with anything but saddness.

I cannot help but think about the family from this week and how horrible I feel for them and how for the first time a family has touched me and brought back so many memories of Ethan.

I love doing these sessions and I sit and watch the slide shows over and over trying to make sense of it all. Not just my loss of Ethan but the loss of these precious babies in general.

Its so hard not to blame yourself in these situations. Its coming up with a reason and having someone to blame. I still do all the time its so hard to not blame myself.

I was his mom and my body was his home until he could make it on the outside. And somehow overnight I lost him. I always think about maybe it was the way I laid or maybe I took too hot of a bath that night.

The regrets I have haunt me I wish I would have stayed overnight at the hospital and held him as long as possible. I wish I would have thought to bring something to dress him in. No one even mentioned it to me and now we have nothing of his that he wore.

We got a little box with a few things. And an itty bitty blanket that still sits under my pillow. But I am so mad at myself because I washed it and its just not the same.

I miss my son so so much and I just want to sit and write about it but Im not sure that it will change a thing. Im actually sure it wont. Its nothing I have not said before.

To get out of this funk I took the time to think of all the things Im grateful for because its hard to notice those things where your this down.

Im grateful for
My family at least I have one some never do no matter how disfunctional they are.
My husband I could be alone like some women and Im not.
My children, even though all four are not by my side. Iv learned so much for each and every one of them.
The very select few friends I do have. Friends make the world a better place.
My counselor- Iv been to a few in my life but none of them have made an impact on me like she has. Its not everyday you can find someone as a perfect stranger that you trust with your everything.

I left my hubby a card today just telling him how much I love him. and that I couldnt imagine my life without him.
I held Corbin a little tighter today thanking the lord for letting him walk this earth with us, after we lost Ethan.
I told the boys a few extra times today how much I love them.
I sent flowers to my counselor, because she will never ever know how much she means to me, and what an impact she has made on my life. Too bad I didnt have a few extra friends like that or that I didnt meet her outside of counseling.
I sent a card to a wonderful friend just thanking her for being around.

I dont think any of these things changed the crappy mood I was in, but Im a giver and it felt good to give to those who I know care about me. And for a few brief moments hearing others happiness brought a little happiness back.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Its been awhile

I have not written in a few lol ok since I think the 11th so not that long ago, but I feel the need to write.

I had a amazing session for NILMDTS last night. This was the first time I stepped into the same hospital where I said goodbye to Ethan, to yet again say goodbye to another little soul.

Little C was beautiful and he was the room next to the room where we said hello and goodbye all at the same time. He was so little just like my little Ethan. He had the dark hair Ethan had.

I was so heartbroken for these two amazing parents. I could see the love in their eyes and the pain right next to the love. I wanted to hold them and tell them I understand their pain and I wanted to make it all better for them. But all I could do in placement of that was take the pictures and provide them with one tangible thing to remember him by.

I had another session today and my heart is just broken for these parents. The world is so harsh and lonely some days. There is no rhyme or reason to this madness and its so horrible.

I cant tell them it will be ok, or that I understand or give them a hug to make the pain a little more bearable.

That's the hard part. I strive to be a healer and yet I'm not healed of this horrible tradegy yet either.

The 18 month mark is coming so soon. How can it be that I said hello and goodbye all at once almost 18 months ago. Some days it seems like yesterday and others like its been forever.

God how I long to hold Ethan and touch the curves of his little body and lips.

Anger has recently popped up and it hurts to be angry. I'm not that kind of person Iv never been. I strive to achieve happiness for everyone around me. I hate to see people in pain.

And I cant make my pain go away and I'm not entirely sure I want it to go away. If it goes away then I'm scared Ethan will too.

My nephew is beautiful but as I stated in my last post he is a reminder of all I'm missing out on. And yet my sister is so young and does not appreciate what she has. She has everything I long for right in front of her face, within arms reach and she doesn't care.

How can I not be angry? But I know anger is not going to bring Ethan back to me, so it seems like such a waste. But it is part of the process so I'm hearing.

Ethan I miss you so so much I cant even tell you.

And today I saw my grief counselor for the second time this week and much needed extra session. And I am one lucky person to have found someone who cares so much not about fixing all the brokenness (if that's even a word lol which I'm sure its not but Ill go with it) but allowing me time and space to grieve and show that she genuinely cares about helping me and sharing in my pain.

I sat and shared Ethan's video with her for the first time and I shared all my feelings about anger. I was able to walk out with these words. "its ok to be angry". Now I need to convince myself of that.

But I'm trying to come up with a way to thank her for saving me the past 4 months. I honestly don't know where I would be without her. I hated counselors before walking in her office and now I realize the world has some amazing ones out there. I think I would have crawled up in a hole if I would never met her.

Its not everyday you can find someone who will share in your pain and tears, she lets me know its ok and it sucks and its not fair.

And more than anything its not everyday that you can find someone like that who has not been through such a loss that will share in your grief with as much understanding as they can muster up.

So if anyone has some ideas Id love to hear them. I plain old thank you card doesn't seem to do justice.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Grabs at the heart strings

I was copying all of my pictures to a cd this afternoon, when I came across this one. I didn't think much of it when I took it.

Its of my nephew and Corbin, my nephew is always all over Corbin sometimes loving on him as shown here and other times being a 17 month old.

But today when I came across it, it tugged at my heart strings. So I thought about it and the reason is well my nephew is all that Ethan would/could have been.

This picture is a glimpse of what Ethan would be doing if he was around and Corbin was here.

Someday's I don't get it and others I'm able to count my blessings.

Today has been an unusual rough day. I don't know why or how to change it, but I guess its one of those days in this journey right?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

A sad day

There should be a warning in movies that deal with the loss of a child. Today we went and saw "My sisters Keeper" and it was so flipping sad. Sure I needed a good cry. But it was horrible to watch another mother go through the loss of her child.

Granted I will say that its a movie but oh how it spoke to my heart. I do not think there was a dry eye in that theater. You could hear everyone sniffling and crying. It was so sad.

These past two days have been emotionally trying. I don't get it I hate grief for this reason. Why does it have to sneak up on us like this.

I want to be sad I really do but I also need a break from this sadness.

For the fourth we went to Ethan's grave and all the boys had their 4th of July shirts so we stopped and got Ethan one. It was so hard. Looking at the wrack of 18month old boys clothes. He was no longer a baby, but wait he is to me he will always be my baby. Just as my other kids it seems impossible for them to be growing up as fast as they do.

But I cannot picture Ethan as a walking, talking, running toddler. The last I saw him was as a lifeless baby. I want to go back in time and scoop him up and hold him and love all over him.

This sucks so much. I can do anything I want to my other children. When I miss them I can call them, I can love all over them. I cant do that for Ethan.

Why does this have to be so hard? I don't get it, its been 17 months and I'm still here when I'm down, I can almost not pick myself up off the ground.

I want and need something to badly that I cant have, and the hardest part is I cannot come to terms with it.

TGFT- thank god for tuesdays, counseling day where I can let it all out and I need it its been a long time coming. I have not walked in there in a long time and said I need to let it all out, and I need someone to care and help me.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Its fourth of July and nothing can keep my mind away from missing Ethan today. Its hard to know I dont get to see his cute little face and the dimple in his chin as he watches fireworks tonight. He would be so amazed this year.

A walking and talking 1.5 yr old. We are quickly approaching the 18 month mark and its going to be a hard one and Im bracing for it the best I know how.

18 monts is such a fun age for me. To watch their faces light up as they figure things out or learn a new word. Ethan wouldnt just be walking he would mbe running. Oh god what I wouldnt give to chase him around.

I miss him so so much and I havent just sat in a very long time and cried and longed for him, but I feel it coming on and strong.

I know lifes not fair and I wont complain on how unfair it really is. But I hope with everything inside me today that Ethan knows just how much I love and miss him. I hope he is sitting on someone specials lap tonight maybe my papa's and watching the fireworks. How amazing from Heaven it must be. Ill admit Im a bit jealous I cant hold him.

Ethan mommy misses you and loves you so very much. I wouldnt be able to write a book or a series to tell you how much. I hope your with us in spirit tonight as we celebrate the freedom of being an American.