Friday, October 23, 2009

The comfort of touch

I was thinking about a few things the other day and was one how Iv made it to where I am with Ethan's loss, how/what things helped me succeed in becoming a person able to cope with this loss. There are people who just seize to exist after a loss such as this.

Well Iv known since day one that wasn't a choice. I have other children who need me. But I did find myself not to long ago just wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I loved my other 3 boys, but I also find myself longing very much for Ethan. My heart can become so heavy I feel its ripping at the seams at times.

I hated being in that place sitting and starring at a bottle of sleeping pills thinking what if I could make all this pain go away. It scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed to talk to someone. I knew that if I let if fester inside me that there was a possibility the pain would become too much and one moment could change everyone's lives around me.

Then I thought about what I found more comforting that anything. Its the comfort of touch.

If you've seen the commericals on tv I think its a diaper commercial but its the setting of a hospital with a brand new baby crying and the nurse touches the mom's shoulder, and then the mom touches the baby and the crying stops.

It then clicked. A few weeks ago I saw my OB Allison whom I'm very grateful for. Out of nowhere she hugged me and gave the the tightest, most comforting hug Iv had in a long time. She didn't have to do that, but she also didn't have to grab my hand as I left and give it a tight squeeze, but she did.

I'm amazed at the power of touch. It speaks volumes, even if not a single word is said by the other person.

It says "I'm here", "I care", "your important". All the things we want people to say to us, but sometimes they just don't know how to.

I think the other day when I hugged the mom from my session this all clicked even more. I could tell her a million times over and over how much I care, how much my heart is breaking for her, that I understand etc.. and I think the hug I gave her more than likely said all of that and more.

Instead a perfect stranger reached out and hugged her. I gave in return a tight hug. My eyes welling up with tears for her.

Its profound, empowering, practical, genuine its says everything you want to say but aren't sure how to.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I've done 4 sessions for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this week so far in a short 4 days. My grief counselor doesn't think its a good idea to take on so many and after our talk yesterday 2 came in today. I couldn't say no when my heart was screaming yes. So I did one of them the other I would of if I had a sitter for the boys.

I'm so so glad I went to the one today. A young girl with her mom. Sweet adorable baby girl, I held her, I caressed her skin and told her goodbye and how sweet she was.

I hugged the mom, the grandma and the friend. Iv never been hugged so tight in my life. I cried when I hugged her.

I connected with the nurse she was a sweet person as well her name was Allison and I have to say I only wish I would have had a nurse like that when we lost Ethan. This lady was amazing. I saw the tears in her eyes as we left the room.

Then as I left the tears came. I'm so angry for her why does this have to happen? I could see the love and devastation in her eyes. I could see her screaming on the inside.

Iv cried off and on all night. I'm just so upset this has to happen. Most of the sessions Iv done are 95% of them anyways are all boys. And here this perfect, warm little baby girl so beautiful taken before she could bloom here on earth.

My heart is heavy tonight. But it felt so good to connect with this mom. I told her its a roller coaster ride and Id be lying if it went away. It never does we just learn how to get through the days a little easier.

I told her to not fight her grief to go with the flow. Cry, scream, be mad etc. She deserves to have all of those feelings and not fight them.

I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I love Ethan to death and he is bringing beautiful people into my life. But it sucks that it has to happen like this.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A very amazing woman

Her sculptures are beautiful
I think women like her everyday deserve to be recognised for their contributions to the world.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Healing can happen and it does

I think the roller coaster I experienced a few weeks ago was some what natural not all of it I'm sure. But I'm sure it will happen again but on a much lower level. This is the new "normal" we will all have some days really high highs and others really low lows.

I feel so much better actually and feel like a difference in my life has come from this all. I think I can accept what has happened and make some changes because of it.

I think admist grief as we have to experience we do not see the changes that we have made or the fears we have conquered. So I'm going to take the time to take in all of those things.

I never thought any of the things below I would ever be able to do after losing Ethan I thought life as I knew it was over. Sure Iv now molded into the same person with a bigger heart, more aware that tomorrow is not a guarantee, that I want to accomplish more in my life time than may even be possible. But I'm still me...

After losing Ethan I have been able to accomplish.....

*Getting over panic like attacks

*Get of the fear that I would die or my kids would, sure its going to happen someday, and maybe not in the order that life should be. But I'm not fear stricken over it now, and I'm not paralyzed by this fear.

*I'm learning to deal with my new life. Ethan is gone and I cant get him back Iv spent 18 months of endless begging for that. Now I know the question is now what? And that is a hard question. I mean really we don't want to think of now what? we are stuck in why me? But really I'm able to think now what am I going to do to make a difference and Honor Ethan's brief life?

*I'm now able to look death in the face and be a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and honor all of these little Angel's. Sure it can be hard but I think for me its part of the grieving process and its giving Ethan's life some meaning and value. Really I would not be doing this had Ethan not be chosen for me to carry next to my heart and love. I'm helping other mom's through their grief and I'm able to hold their hands while they get through the toughest part of the journey.

*I faced the biggest fear of sitting in the same room with someone who doesn't agree with the way we love Ethan. And I'm ok with him not understanding, he can't and I don't expect him to. That I think is a hard one. we never want to face another human being telling us our child isn't exactly who we think they are. We expect the world to understand, respect and live in the chaos we are. But Iv sense learned its ok he doesn't know Ethan and he doesn't love him, he has never lost a child so the level of understanding is going to be so different. I still think we deserve to be respected by others who have not gone through such a loss. But I am able to write it off if not and know I don't ever have to see that person again.

*I realize the importance in today and nothing else. I cant be sure tomorrow I will be here or that I wont lose someone else I'm very close to. But I can make sure for today that I let those people know I love them and the difference they are making in my life. I can try just for today and everyday that follows to be a better me.

*I love God again and I hated him 19 months ago. I mean I really hated him and I hated myself for hating him and questioning him. But I now have a much deeper relationship with God and I know someday I will get to meet my son again and hold him. I was baptised this year a huge move for me.

*Because of Ethan I am able to transform my life for the better and I'm not sure without him I would have taken the steps to do that.

The list could go on and I will add to it as time goes on but these are things that we should be proud of. And not let our grief cloud.