Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry Christmas my Sweet Ethan and Happy Birthday my Savior Jesus!

Another Christmas has come and gone, the hussle and bustle of the holidays are now over. As well as the emotions leading up to the event.

Sometimes it's hard not to get lost in the emotion and lose the reason of the season. My savior Jesus Christ's Birthday.

When I got down I had to remind myself of the picture in my mind of Ethan so free with Christ and how amazing it must be to be in Jesus's arms, and spending his birthday with him. How he is free of the pain in this world. Not that I don't want him with me sometimes. Not that I am not envious of others who get their little ones, or that Jesus gets to hold my baby and I don't, because I would be lying if I said that.

But oh what the sight it would be to see him up there living a life so much greater than we have down here.

Church on Christmas Eve was amazing and yet sad all at the same time. Beautiful for so many reasons, but when we sang silent night I almost bawled I had to keep holding it in. That song gets to me everytime. Then when the pastor was talking about Peace in life all I could do was shake my head in agreeance. I want peace with so many things. I think I have it with Ethan but somedays I fall backwards on my ass, I miss him I want him too. But I know in the end I wouldn't trade my life as it is now, to get him back for a short time.

Merry Christmas from the Donaldson Clan, all my kiddos and Ethan Bear in Ethan's place.

Here are a few of the letter's we got from other's for Ethan and I thank everyone who took the time to write to him and us.

Dearest Ethan,
Your life was so big even before it began because you were, are and always will be loved. Love is so much bigger than life and yours is forever.

Sweet Ethan,
How beautiful it must be to be in the Arms of Jesus; to run and skip and play with Him. How magnificent it must be to be free from the pain of this world and instead embraced in the Love of Christ. How beautiful it must be to hear the laughter of the King of kings and get lost in His Smile. You see things so clearly; your heart has the love in it that we can only imagine here on earth. I know that time is of no consequence to you, but in the blink of an eye you will once again be joined with your Mommy and Daddy and your brothers and all whom you love. They yearn for the day that you will be able to bring them to Jesus; your friend, your Lord and your Savior.
Thank you for your sacrifice so that others can come to know Jesus through your life, your Heaven day and your family. You are precious, loved and missed. Well done, good and faithful servant!
"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"
With love,

Dear Ethan,

Though your family and I have not met in person, you all hold a special
place in my heart. You have brought so much awareness to such a sad
cause, and have healed so many in that process. Your mother is one of a
kind and I take comfort in the faith and hope she has in our heavenly
Father. I think of you often and hope that you are playing with our sweet
Landon. Merry Christmas sweet Ethan. You are not forgotten but forever
remembered by so many including myself.

I don't personally know your family... but I've
kept up with your Mom through the years over
the internet!! She's a neat lady, your Mom!!
Even in sterile black and white print, your Mom's
love for you is as easy to see as the sun in the sky.
Merry Christmas in Heaven Ethan.

Dear Sweet Ethan,

You and your family mean so much to me, and your mommy has helped me cope more than she knows. I want to thank you and my sweet Seth for bringing us together, although it had to be in a sad way, I am so blessed to know her, and get to know you through her. You are one of the most precious baby boys ever, and I love you so much. I know you and my Seth are the best of friends, and I can't wait to see you boys and give you big hugs and kisses!!!
Please continue to watch over us, and send us angel kisses! Give Seth a hug from his mommy, and tell him that i love and miss him so much. I love you, and can't wait to meet you one day!!

Merry Christmas Ethan,
I adore your mom . . . I haven't met your dad yet but I he sounds like a good guy. You probably know so much more than we do about how amazing life and love is. You are already part of the bigger picture and have seen that what happens here is only a flicker in the massive light that we all return to. Your mom and dad wanted you to stay longer but it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps there is something greater to be gained from your brief time than we totally understand but I do know that you changed everything in so many ways for your mom. She rose up out of the ashes of losing you like a phoenix and has been a HUGE part of helping so many other families deal with loss and heartache. It's hard to believe that someone as small as you could do something so big. We measure everything here, how big, how tall, how small, how short something lasts, how long we live . . . we rarely measure the important things that really can't BE measured. And if we measure a life shouldn't we measure it's depth and not it's length? There are many people in this world that live a long time and they never know the love you knew in the short time you were here. You were and are loved deeply, wanted deeply, missed deeply and that is a measurement more worthy of noting than length of time.
I wish I could help your mom not hurt so bad. You really did make her into a powerful person though, into a better person although she might not see it that way. She carries the pain of losing you like it is a gift, precious and fragile. Sometimes it's heavier than other times but she has used that gift of pain in ways that honor you, acknowledge you, that keep you present and allow others to see that love and grief are not something to be ashamed of or hidden away.
I never met you Ethan but I like to picture you playing with all the other little ones who left too soon, all the babies that we have held and said good-bye to. If not for you I never would have met your mom and while I wish it had all turned out different and that I never knew she existed because you had lived, it didn't turn out that way. So I take the gift that you gave to all of us in your passing. The gift of knowing your mom, knowing how incredible she is, knowing how much to helps others move through their sadness and loss and I'll cherish that gift.

I'm writing you this christmas season to let you know that alot of people here on earth miss you dearly and wish they could see you enjoy all the gifts and family time together. I wish I could see you with your mommy and daddy and siblings but you are with Jesus and somedays I wonder what that's like for all of our angel babies. I don't get to see your momma ever but i have special place in my heart for all of you. So during this christmas season if you could please be with your family and give them the strength to enjoy it and love each other. Send a kiss down on christmas day for all your family to feel, when the snow flakes fly i always like to think they are tiny kisses from all the babies in heaven. Love you Little Ethan, enjoy your christmas with Jesus but remember not a day goes by that we don't all think of you and miss you so dearly. Love you buddy.

Dear Sweet Ethan,
I can imagine you this holiday season singing and dancing and being completely surrounded in God's love up in heaven. Your family here on earth loves you so much and your absence is hard to understand. I am just getting to know your mommy, she is so sweet and her heart is so big. She cares for so many people, I don't know how she does it. I know you are so proud to be her son. I cant wait to meet you in heaven one day, little man. You must be one special guy, being loved by so many!
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you sweet boy,
Ethan I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. I know you and Abbi and all of your little angel friends are having a huge celebration today. Please send your Mommy & Daddy and brothers and Sister some love from up there and some Angel Kisses too, they miss you so much everyday but especially on this most precious Holiday. How exciting that you get to spend Jesus' birthday up there in heaven with him. I bet it is really beautiful. I also bet you and all the other little angels are buzzing around heaven and making Jesus smile so big.I also want to thank you Ethan. It is because of you and my Abbi that your Mommy and I are special friends. your Mommy is such a wonderful, strong, brave woman of God and I am privileged to know her and I know you are so very proud of her. She does so many things for others Ethan and that is all because of you.
Wishing you a VERY Merry Christmas Ethan-lots of love to you from Abbi's Mommy

Angela, I am wishing you all ( you, Guy, Blake, Aiden,Ethan, Corbin, Dillon and Zoey) a very Merry Christmas this year
Much Love

Your wonderful parents are reading this Christmas message to you. Even though I've never gotten the chance to meet your mom in real life, she is one of the people I can talk with about anything and everything. Sweet Ethan, you couldn't have hand picked any better parents and siblings then the ones you have. Their dedication to keeping your memory alive is amazing. You may not have had much time on earth, but in your life, you have impacted more people then you can ever know. Our family in AZ wish you a very Merry Christmas. Please welcome 3 little ones we just lost, Morgan, Logan and Luke. Show them the way up there and show them the true joy of God so that we may forever hear your giggles down here.
With love,

Please know that Ethan is always in my heart and in my mind, but I am not good at writing this letter. I attempt it every year and fail every time. I just can not put my thoughts into words on paper!
My love to you always!

Dear Sweet Ethan,
Hey there little buddy, how are you doing? Are you ready for Christmas? I know you dont know me but I have become a friend of your mommys. I heard all about you and how incerdiably special you are to your mommy, daddy, bothers and your sister. You are one amazinly loved little boy. There is not a day that goes by that your family and friends are not thinking about you. Mommy and daddy have your pictures all over their home so everyone can see their perfect little angel son. You are greatly missed, your life here on earth was not ment for some reason. I know its because you are just too special for earth. God wanted you to be with him. He took you away from us to prove he only takes the best. As our hearts are filled with sarrow because you are not here we try to look up and smile at you everyday. Your mommy and daddy do things for you like you are here on earth with us. Your parents are amazing and so are your siblings. Your mom is a very brave, strong person. I am sure you already know this but I had to say it again, because it can never been said enough. As much as we wanted you here on earth with us , God had another plan for you.
You are missed greatly by so many people. You know something kind of cool?, my oldest son is name Ethan. Ethan is a great name for a great strong brave little boy! You will be forever in our hearts and mind, nothing will ever change that. Please contuine to keep watch over your wonderful family. You are truley loved and always will be. You might know my mom Kim she is up there in heaven with you also. God took her home about 2 years ago. So until the day we meet you again in heaven stay handsome and strong. We all love and miss you, though I never got to meet you I still think about you all the time.
Have a wonderful heavenly Merry Christmas!
In Gods loving name

Those are just some of them, but oh so healing and powerful to see people love on my little boy and keep his memory alive with us. Even if very simple, it was such an amazing gesture and I appericate every single word.
So thank you and even if you didn't get a chance to say anything but he was on your mind I thank you for that too!

I miss Ethan so much but I will tell you I am so incredibly blessed when I hear my sons sit and pray. On Christma day Aiden prayed at dinner and I was so humbled by a 6 year olds words. Sometime along the lines of this " Dear God thank you so much for our greatest gift, our savior Jesus. You gave him to me and all my friends and I love you for that. Amen"

God thank you so much for allowing me to put you into my childrens lives on a much greater level than ever. Thank you jesus for holding my baby boy and teaching him so much more than I would be able to on this earth. And Ethan my sweet boy I love you so much and I hope up there you get to experience christmas more incredibly than we can ever do down here.

Merry christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus. And to Mary thank you for giving your son for all of us. I am sure it wasn't easy. If you only knew in your pregnancy what would be.......

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I get it........

I think one of the worst parts of being a parent who's lost a baby, is how incredibly alone you feel. You can sit in a room with a hundred people and still
feel so alone.

I get that......

I get the screaming from the pit of your very being that your baby died....

That you just want one more minute to cherish and soak in every possible ounce of your child.

I get how angry you are at God. I've been there, I've cursed at him, I hated him and what he allowed to happen to me was unexcusable.

I get feeling like you failed your child. You didn't save them, you didn't protect them, and it was your #1 job.

I get that you wish people would just say your childs name. Think of them and help keep their memory alive. No matter how many months, years pass by.

I get how crushed you feel, how life no longer has any meaning.

I get the despair you feel, I too still almost 4 years later feel it.

The Anger, Hurt, Dissappointment, Abadonment from God, friends and family, the fear of lifes possibilties now.

I get how you just sit around waiting now for something else to happen, because you now know that you are no longer immune to such tragic pain. Usually its stories of people losing their babies not anyone you know, and now you are one of them.

I get how losing a child feels like a life sentence, because in reality it kinda is. And the cost is a broken heart for life.

I get how seeing other peoples babies, children around your childs age is a stab in the heart. The "I should have that". I have a hard time still with this.

I get the asking, "why does that person have a baby and they can't take care of him/her, but I don't have my baby", "why on earth would God allow people to have babies when they kill them, hurt them, throw them away of give them up, but again I don't have mine and we wanted him/her more than anything"

I get the whole..... I would rather die than feel this pain for one more day.

I also get the, if I smile, laugh or be happy it will hurt my baby. He/She will think I have forgotten them.

The anger that comes up when people make comments such as, "God needed another angel", "maybe there was something wrong with them", "God did it". No matter what anyone else will tell you it doesn't make the pain go away, and no matter what the reason may be it will not make the heartache vanish.

I get the need to feel joy again too!

I guess all I am trying to say is as lonely as it can feel out there in this world to lose a baby you are anything but alone.
I get you, your feelings, hurt, anger, and need to make a way through this lifetime. You are NOT alone.

Even if you can't feel, hear or see God along the way. Which I can tell you he never left me. I may not have felt it, or even wanted to feel it for that matter. He never left. I know in my heart he was in that room with us crying when we lost Ethan. He wanted nothing more than to make our heartache go away.

But if you don't feel him, need him now, or care about him. You are still not alone. The community of baby loss is so wide and so amazing. You don't have to do it alone and you don't have to feel bad for any of the things you are feeling.

I still sit in awe that here in 8 weeks it will be 4 long, lonely, crazy, joyful, amazing, winding years since I said hello and goodbye all at once to my son.

I can't believe I went from, I cannot believe my God would allow such a hurt in my life when I have been faithful to him to God thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom and allowing me to find a greater plan in his death.

I still miss him so much it hurts, and so much it can bring me to my knees. Sometimes I still tell the Lord how wrong it feels. But he can take it, he knows my heart. In my despair and darkness he is there, I don't even have to tell him all that's inside he knows it.

Someday I will hold Ethan's hand, and it will be so incredible to be with him then. Our lifetime is just a few moments for them in Heaven.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Feeling the feelings.....

I have no idea what to call this post, I feel all over the board with my emotions right now.

One minute complete happiness and the next I am exhausted from saddness.

I did however come across this video, which I absolutely love. You will need to mute the music at the bottom of the page to hear this one.

I LOVE this song. I know Jesus is holding my baby boy and teaching all the things we would, but on a much different level.

And then at the same time this song made me cry, Heaven seems so darn far away. Yet I know it will be here much faster than I know it.

Holidays seem to just suck the life out of you sometimes. And I just pray our father can wrap his arms around us and keep us from sinking into despair.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Saddness lurking

I have had my fair share of ups and downs lately, some regarding Ethan and some just general loss. It hasn't been easy but I guess eye opening to an extent.

I see so many moms hurting right now though.

Moms who have no children living and desperatly want a little one to love and hold in their arms not just their hearts.

I wish there was something I could say or do to lessen that burden. But I know all too well it can't. But I do wish peace for all families who are sitting in despair in their beds, not wanting to face the day, or people on the streets or family even for that matter.

I have come to learn even our own family can try to push back their own emotions and saddness.

I am not trying to defend anyone who ingores us, or our children who we so badly want mentioned or acknowledged. At all so please don't just hear that.

What I am saying however is, our loss is so unique, no one can get it unless they have experienced it and even then its so different.

When we lose our child(ren). We face a whole new way of approaching life and people. Our tolerance is minimual to say the least. We lose Grace towards others and patience in the petty things we see in life. Nothing will ever compare to us with the loss of a child. Rightfully so I must agree.

But I know for me, my family doesn't mention Ethan often, but I know they think of him. I think sometimes they don't bring him up in fear they will make a good day go bad or they will make a bad day go worse. They don't get that we want and crave that so much.

But I also think this is the hard part for us. Learning to extend grace to our families. They have not only experienced the loss in a grandchild, but in a way their own child.

They can't fix us, and just as we as moms feel it was our job to protect our baby and most of us feel we failed. So do our families especially our parents. They can't take our pain, and they can't do a darn thing but sit back and watch us suffer.

I have to imagine as a parent that, that is so crushing. We want nothing but to scoop up our children and hold them and make it go away. They can't do that.

So instead they take a step back and try not to bring the subject up. It might be uncomfortable for them and they don't know how to deal with their own pain regarding the loss. That doesn't mean that it's ok and this will just magically make everyone feel better when their baby is being forgotten.

But I guess I have had been forced to learn how to accept. That no one loved Ethan like I did. They don't get it and it scares them.

Does it mean I don't still hurt sometimes? Oh absolutely not. No one in the family writes Ethan a note for his stocking. I don't know why, it hurts but I can't make them love him like I do.

I guess maybe we really do have to be the big person here offer grace and walk away. I do suggest writing a letter to whom ever is hurting you by not acknowledging your baby though. Sometimes our words when hurting and confronting this situation don't mix well or come out right. But a letter may just be the ticket. Spill it all out, what's the worst that can happen?

I hate that a time of year that should be so joyful are so painful for many of us.

I still do not have any decorations up, no tree and I know I have to. 5 kiddos are counting on it this year. But I have no interest, and typically it takes awhile to find it during this time of year.

I know for me the hard part is knowing one is always missing. And I miss him so much. What he would look like, be like, the toys he would like, his personality. I miss the not knowing, the guessing which I can't seem to do. My kids all look alike so that's all I can go off of. But yet they are all so different. I feel cheated I don't get to see his uniqueness.

Be patient with yourself and pray that God will wrap his arms around you, he will walk you through it all and you will not be alone. And know he has NOT forgotten. He knows all our pain, and he loves our babies while they wait for us.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Tidal Waves ~ crashing

I have fully surrendered to him right now, it's obvious I haven't been able to do it alone in 30 years. So I can't possibly now right?

You will need to mute the music player at the bottom of my page to hear this amazing song.

In church we sing this song and it is a favorite HUGE favorite of mine. This week I cried the hardest I have ever cried in church, every word Jim spoke was melting in my heart because it was so very fitting to my life. And I need God more than ever. No I am not drowing right now, my head is above water for now and I don't feel like I am sinking as I was a week or so ago. But I still feel weak and vunerable and I am dreading the holidays a little bit.

There should be 6 stockings hanging on the wall, and a photograph taken Christmas morning with 6 children not 5 holding their brothers photograph. I should be wrapping gifts for 6 and knowing what Ethan wants so much this year, and I remain clueless. I don't know what he looks like and what he would be like.

I miss all that, yet I know he is still there with us, sitting in the arms of Jesus, watching the glorious lights from above.

If you are a parent of a child who left too soon, we started a tradition a few years ago where we ask family and friends to please write a little letter to Ethan or all of us and we stuff it in his stocking and read them Christmas morning. The first year was rather emotional reading all of these amazing tributes to Ethan, but yet so joyful that no one forgot Ethan. This will be the 3rd year for us and I am hoping to read some more special tributes to Ethan.

I am guessing it will get easier but not before it gets harder. I am going deep down where it hurts and really digging up this crap of cards I got delt that are suppose to make me more Jesus like.

Ok that sounded a bit scaristic. And it was I think my hardest struggle was hearing how God didn't cause the things to happen to us in life that have but he did allow them to and it made my stomach turn. Those "things" I have been through are to make me more Jesus like. And I have a hard time accepting that, I wasn't already so before being molested more than anything, my dad walking out on me... I am at better terms with that as we speak but then take my child from me. I don't get all those things. My life was wrecked the day the molesting began, and now losing a child. I guess I just don't really see the purpose and how that will make me more Jesus like.

Maybe because I am remaning true to God through it, ok not through it because I most defiently had a few not so nice talks with him and let God know how crappy I have thought he was through those trials in my life.

But I guess I need to learn more than anything to let go and know I can't make sense of the why's and how's of all of this. I think as I have said before it's happened and now it's not why and how but where I go from here.

Now I am nervous as I tackle this all more than I already have, and I am afraid I may become not so nice and nasty. But I guess time will tell. And I have heard "no one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it".

So here it goes as the tidal waves crash and rest in my life.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Healing is happening

I think I came to many many realizations today.

First off I fell asleep last night praying. I lay in my bed my head was as it has been the past few weeks a horrible mess. Emotions all over and complete frustration, that I have been unable to jump this hurdle. And I sat and told God, to please make a way for me to feel like I could breathe again, that the hope he offered and the comfort would be more near than ever and enough.

And somehow I fell asleep during this, which was the start. I haven't sat and prayed with God other than a little mumbled mess from time to time. I have felt unworthy and not whole in my own self to pray to him. There was a major disconnect, a missing connection I so desperately needed and wanted. But was slightly out of reach until last night. I think because my heart has been so crazy heavy and the voices, and tapes those old stupid tapes of everything I have ever been taught about myself or lead to believe were true or the enemy tried to make real played. Last night I was able to put those aside and let go, of those and know I needed him more than ever.

Then today when talking to a care pastor/friend/Godly sister much more than I ever imagined clicked.

My heart has been so incredibly heavy with the situation with my dad. I miss so much of having the love a child gets from their parents. I have always felt I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't loveable. That is until today.....

It's amazing when God is ready to put you through tough work he really makes things click and make sense and brings an amazing power inside yourself. And he also prepares you to deal with it.

This past week has been an emotional nightmare. I have hated every single minute of it. But I know now why it was happening.

When talking of my father or the lack there of, and having it put into perspective that he is broken and he has his reasons for staying away. maybe my dad hasn't been a dad because I remind of him of a painful past, or maybe because he sees my mom in me and that is too much or maybe even he knew that he couldn't do for me what he thought was right and the next best option was terminating his rights.

I came home and pondered about all of this, and how can I be upset with him for walking away full hearted when I am ok with taking on Zoey knowing it’s a much better life for her.

If he had been a part of my life maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be as I am now. And I may hate myself outwardly but inside I think I am pretty amazing and I know I can do even more amazing things. With the acceptance of these "things" in my life.

I may not have turned out not to be God fearing and Loving as I am now. Maybe without these things.... Lack of parents, being molested as a child for three years, and the ultimate losing my own child. My faith wouldn't have sky rocketed. I can assure you that until these things happened in my life God wasn't as present and I wouldn't have made it through without faith and hope. I am pretty sure without my faith and leaning on the hope God knew I'd get through, I would be down a different path of drugs and alcohol and a life of much darker stuff as the others in my life have turned to.

Losing Ethan changed so much for me. I don't think God made it happen but when it happened he allowed it and sometimes I would like to think maybe he thought, "maybe this is the push she needs to work those areas of her life that have been haunting her." Because until Ethan, I didn't work on the devastation my heart felt due to the lack of parents, and the destroyed sense of self due to being violated as a child.

Now I still have a long very long way to go with learning to really engage and love myself inside and out. To know I am so worth it, and to know I WILL make a difference in the lives of others. Not because it will be easy, it's going to SUCK. I know it will, but I can do it. Through him all things are possible, and I want this so bad I can taste it.

I want to be a testament of Gods will and promises. I mean... I am still here and that says something, I would like to think.

Maybe the suicide attempts growing up, the cutting, the eating disorders helped band aid the pain for a while, But I needed God and I needed him more than ever.

I can't wait to see what's in store and find out my purpose. Maybe that won't be till much later but I would like to think I know a little of it now.

And I have to say sitting across the room from someone with no motives other than to help others understand Gods truth, promises. And telling you things you may or may not want to hear, but offering that gentle nudge to push forward when you think you can't is pretty freaking awesome.

Having someone borrow you hope when you don't have any. And feeling like you belong to somewhere and someone. And maybe even more than someone is even more incredible.

And then the most amazing, praying for you when your strength is gone and you feel like you could literally fall to the floor, and they still wrap their arms around you. Speaks volumes for Gods awesome work.

I am absolutely blessed that God loves me that much and that he is still there even if I don't feel it. He sure didn't let me down this past week. And bringing Flatirons community Church into my life was a gift I so needed. As well as a few special people God put on my side and they know who they are.

I guess I couldn't ask for more. Just some courage and strength to make it through the rest of life and the very very hard rough patches that are sure to come and will come. And that amazing Grace he seems to have.

And his presence as we spend our first ever holiday alone for the first time. I have to make my little family all that counts right now.

And I have asked him for his courage, I signed up for Hope mommies retreat in February the weekend before Ethans 4th heavenly birthday in hopes I can connect with other moms with the hope god has provided. I am nervous and never been away from my kids alone let alone in another state with no one I know. But I know this could be a great blessing.

And I have been praying to God about the upcoming baptism and I want to burry the old broken angela to bring to light and life the one he wants me to be, and I will be asking a special someone to be apart of that as well. I've been baptised before but I think this time there is a much bigger signifiance. The whole burrying the old Angela whos worth was determined by all the things that I've been through or that have been done to me. I don't want that, those things have no worth they are not me. I want to have the symbolic gesture of I guess being brought back from the water with a new life of what God thinks of my and my value to him. And those around me who have my best interest at heart.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

In that dark place

It's been a rough few days for me, they come in patches and I know this too shall pass. But in the mean time I am stuck in a crummy place.
I miss Ethan I miss the fact I will never fell quite whole again. Or maybe I will but today I don't.
Grief workshop started again and I feel raw again. Not that I hadn’t a few days prior. My emotional state has been a brewing mess all week, and frankly... my mind and Satan are winning right now.
I don't want them to of course, but it is in fact the case.
Family pictures came and passed and I realized that day that I had forgot Ethan bear at home. So now our family picture is ruined in my mind. It doesn't mean they won't be treasured.
But I feel like I forgot him, and how do you forget your child? It’s not like I had to dress him and make sure he got in the car buckled up. I feel like the worst mom right now and now our family picture is even more incomplete than it already was in the first place.
I am having a hard time with the fact my third baby should be 4 soon. It makes me a little sick to know I don't get to hear him call me mom, that he would be in kindergarten soon and I don’t get that time with him. Milestones don’t end at the grave site I am missing so much.
So that started the brewing of emotions these past few weeks.
Then the holidays are coming and I don't have family nearby, I miss Ethan, and if I have to watch that stupid "Silent Night" Pampers commercial one more time I may just lose it. Silent night, sleeping babies in heavenly peace is more than I can take.
Then my brother wrote to me telling me how sorry he was for old childhood stuff that's silly and I am not mad at him for. However, it dug up past hurtful stuff with my stepfather.
Then guilt, shame, resentment and flat out confusion on why I am on this earth have set in. All these things that pop up and make me feel like the biggest failure. I allowed a man to molest me as a child for 3 years, I couldn't save my own child from death, my father ran out on me and has chosen to not have me in his life.
I have to admit I feel a bit abandoned and I can't climb over it right now, I am ready to hide in a hole until I can feel better. But I can't I have 5 kids who need me and I am a wife. I can't run away and if I did I might very well just be running from myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like this is bigger than me and I don't know where to turn.
I question why all these things have happened to me. Sure let my childhood play out the way it did, ok fine I can handle that. But letting my child die hurts more than I can tell anyone. Then to top it off without having the one thing I need and want sometimes as a girl, my father and I can't have that. I'll never be good enough and he doesn't love me enough. I must have done something wrong to make him be that way. I didn't chose to be born and his child but he gets to chose to walk out.
I want more than anything to be scooped up held and yes I am 30. I am a grown woman but I need it sometimes. Physically.
I don't know how as a 30 something year old woman I can still feel like a hurt child. Not having a father in my life that loves me is another loss and I have to learn to grieve and move on with.
With what steps I am not sure, how long I don't know. But the one thing I do know is I want to be able to forgive my father for not loving me the way I want to be loved, for not telling me he loves me and for leaving me. I want it so bad. But I am so hurt I don't know how to have that.
When I look at my kids or I see other parents hug, hold their children especially adult children. I want to find a corner and hide. Because, I am jealous. I want that too.....
And when I hold, love, or comfort my children I get angry that I was never important enough to receive that from my earthly father. I am lost on what I have done to make this be my life, or what it is about me that makes me so un-loveable. What have I done so bad or at all even to have a father such as mine? My father knows nothing about me other than I am a grown woman with 5 children. He doesn't know we are adopting, my favorite food, that we own a home, that I hate most things/physical traits about myself, that I miss Ethan more than anything in this life other than having him in mine.
I lost Ethan, he was taken from me and I can't get him back. Yet I stand as a firm, healthy, happy (for the most part), successful child of God. And my dad doesn't want a thing to do with that.
And coming from a life without a father I know how horrible, gut wrenching and life altering it is for a girl not to have an earthy father. I wish these men could see how much they are impacting these children who will grow to be women and how vital their role is in our lives. I wonder if he (my dad) knew this if it would change the choice he has made.
God should be enough and I know that. But right now I am not in that place where I can. And how do I get past that desire of having parents who want me? And I mean really want me, not just get stuck with me.
And I don't feel good enough for God. I try my best to lead a life like Jesus. Give all I can, be genuine and care about those less fortunate, give of my time and soul, love those around me, all those things and not for anything in return, not to get into heaven but because I want to be like him. And yet I feel so far from that.
I don't raise my hand in worship at church because I am afraid I look silly and he will think what the heck is she doing?
And honestly I know that realistically this is all crap but I am here now and I need for it to pass somehow.
I just really miss Ethan and I guess I am grieving a lost childhood myself.
It's been a week of pure emotional torture. Thank God for putting Flatirons into my life, without this church/home I would be so much more lost than I am.
I attended church services twice this week and each time cried, I attended the worship concert in hopes it would refresh and quench my soul.
I think I managed to get a step further ahead in my grief today but I am still hurting. I wish the pain was easier to hide, but it isn't. Today at the services no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears. And where I made progress is I didn't worry this time about everyone around me and how my crying would be taken. I am sure I wasn't the only one either.
When the songs at the end of service were sung, I cried hard, and I held hard onto hope that someday, I can be enough for him and that God can be all I need and it will comfort and satisfy my heart and soul.
I think the hardest part is I believe God I know what he has spoken and he has chosen me, but I just want that touch so bad.
You know you have had more than you can handle with life when you just want to get away, sadly I can't get away from myself. And I can't just hide in bed all day I have 5 kids but right now I need something. It's not that I am scared of hurting myself at all I am just at the end of my emotional rope for a week. I need to feel refreshed and joy and know what the heck all this emotional torture this week is about.

I am feeling down that I have no family nearby and that we will spend Thursday alone this week. Not that thanksgiving is that important to me. But Guy is on call and so more than likely I will be home alone for the first time on a holiday so maybe that’s partly what this is about. Dreading the holidays this year, being upset that my dad is who he is, and I miss Ethan, grief workshop last week was rough.

Rough because of all the suicides, I've been there it's been about two years to this time that I held tightly to a bottle of sleeping pills trying to gain the strength to take the whole darn bottle so I wouldn't wake up. Life hurt too much and I felt so alone, as I normally do but I didn’t have Jesus in my life as strong as I do now. And I didn't know how to cope. Death seemed so much more comforting. So I think the grief workshop kind of triggered this grief a little more than I already was dealing with. I've never been honest with myself how much I was hurting and all the times growing up I cut myself or took that bottle of aspirin one time, lesson learned there and I won't do that again. But I felt for all those people who took their lives…. I've been to that point of hurt and I am not sure what stopped me. Then a little sad for all those loved ones dealing with the aftermath of their lost loved ones. I always wondered if I died if anyone would care. Not that I need to think of that now.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What Pregnancy Loss really looks like.

I recently read a blog about what childloss really looks like and it resignted with me and captured me word for word and emotion by emotion. I felt trapped by her very words. So I decided to follow lead and tell what pregnancy loss looked like for me.

When we got the news Ethan's heart had stopped, I don't remember much other than the shattering echos of the doctors words, "I'm sorry we don't see any caradiac activity". I felt myself melt into the very ground below me and I just wanted to die.

"How could this be possible, I just felt him last night?", "My friend just lost her baby last year, how on earth could it happen to two people so closely intertwined?", and most of all "Why my baby?"

I went home and dreaded doing anything, I didn't want to look at my other two children in fear they would see my crumble in front of their very eyes, I felt dead, out of body and I couldn't believe this was my life.

I sat on the internet looking for a way to prepare my self for what I was about to go through, and there wasn't much. I had to just be prepared for what I saw my friend go through and how her son looked.

The cold dark red lips, cold skin, peeling possibly. And little did I know until I had my son, how much their skull moves around since they have passed and the skull bones are fussed. I think the first time I moved Ethan I almost lost it.

Going to the hospital that night to deliver my dead son was nothing like the other two childrens births. People avoided contact with me, no one really said anything. How could they? No one knows what to tell a mom who's body is carrying a dead child. As I was told "I'm sorry just didn't seem good enough".

I constantly rubbed my swollen belly in hopes they were wrong and he would kick and my nightmare would all be over. My body had failed me and I failed my child.

And here I was in the hospital to give birth and go through the same thing women in every room there were going through but in the end I recieved no rewards for the hard work behind it all.

I still had to push and yes I got lucky I guess it only took three pushes, but I promise those three pushes were much harder than the women in the other rooms going through many hours of pushing. Plain and simple I would be in a slient room after, other than the cries I made which felt earth shattering. I remember before the third push they said he was coming and I just screamed " I can't do this and I don't want to do this".

I didn't want to see my lifeless baby and I didn't want to make this nightmare a reality. I didn't get to see my babys eyes, hear him cry and make this 12 hours of labor worth it.

If I pushed and delivered him my life was going to stop. Or so it felt at the time.

After my son was born no one came around, who would want to go into this cold room, when nothing they could do or say would make anything the slightest bit better?

In-fact the only person I saw outside my family and a couple close friends was my ob who came over that afternoon, she wanted to check on me and make sure that if I wanted to hurt myself I would tell her.

I was very close to her and I think her stepping into that room, putting her arms around me and letting me sob was the first step besides holding my son into healing.

But while waiting hours later after giving birth I realized how alone my life was going to be from those moments on. I was abadonded by hospital staff, purposely maybe or maybe not. Maybe it was to protect me and not make me feel worse, or maybe they werent educated.

But no one ever came back to make sure I was ok, in fact the next time we talked to a nurse again was at 5pm that night so only 9 hours after giving birth to tell them I wanted to go home I couldn't stand to be there anymore.

I had to let someone else take my baby and know I would never ever get to hold him again or touch his face. I had to be wheeled out of a room where my baby sat alone and none of it was natural.

On the way home it was silent my husband and I didn't know what to say, I could of said I am sorry for not protecting him and now I life is going to be a living hell for a few years, or he could tell me as he did a year later, it was his fault he didn't really want another baby buy did it for me. So by him not wanting another it was his fault. All things irrational, yes. But felt.

Then not only do you go through the whole birth process like everyone else, sign papers for your baby to have an audtopsy to find out why only to feel like shit because you chose to have your baby cut open and messed with, to getting your milk in and being slapped in the face because your body doesn't know your baby died, to sitting in a hospital room calling funeral homes and trying to pick the best one, if thats even possible in your state of mind, to life has to go on even if you want it to stop. Then you get to be the plague to the rest of the world.

People avoid you at all costs, why because baby loss is unimaginable, frightful especially fro pregnant friends and family and then not only that but no one wants to say the wrong thing or knows what to say. So plain and simple your avoided.

Its no ones fault I get that and I am thankful for the few friends I did have. The ones who came and looked at my dead baby in a casket trying to make sense of the world we live in and how bad things like this just don't happen.

But in fact they do, to 30,000 plus families every single year.

As Laura Schubert states

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Grieving and society

I have to say I have been blindsided several times over the past 3.5 years by peoples ingorance and hurtful comments regarding loss. Ones such as "get over it", " it's been x amount of years, let go", "OMG you took pictures of your dead baby, how disgusting".

Comments that have made me want to hurt someone, sit alone in a closet the rest of my life just so I didn't have to deal with the rest of the world.

I had a friend delete me off fb because they said they couldn't handle my educating people on what to look for in pregnancys and that hurt too.

But today I think I about feel out of my chair when I read comments to another grieving mom. She had posted about her duedate coming up and how close she would have been to full term etc. And some not so nice person, kept telling her over and over to let go.

To move and and quite grieving.

I was totally in shock that another human being claiming to be someones friend would write that to her in front of hundreds of baby loss parents (which by the way were about to jump through his screen and hurt him). And keep going with it.

He has no idea of what this loss feels like. And then I hear my great friend/teacher telling me in my head. Have grace. UGH do I realyl have to be the big person here? Ok no I don't but I should. I wanted to call him all kinds of not nice names and go off.

And sadly this wasn't done to me. But when you lost a child and one of your now sisters in life(another mom who lost a child) is being hurt and the words cut so deep..... You will do just about anything to protect them and the memory of so many families.

You do NOT every quite grieving. Just as if a parent was to die you can't replace them with another one neither can you with the life of a child. You don't move on with life and not rememeber.

I have wondered many times where my friends were when I needed them? Why didn't they call and check on me? And it hurts sometimes still. But when you lose a child you learn who your true friends are.

I wish society would buck up and get over how sensitive the topic of the death of a child can be and learn how to support us as a whole, just as we do with cancer and everything else. It hurts it hasn't happened yet but I sure hope in my lifetime it does. I refuse to sit in a closet and grieve the life of my son and the life he should of had.

Grieving does NOT equal crazy. Grieving does not equal stagnating. Grieving does NOT have a timeline or an expiration date. Anyone who CANNOT accept that, and for that matter, anyone who cannot accept ME... fine. Don't. But do not claim to be my friend.- By my wonderful friend Annette Benavides

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I miss him a little...... I lied I miss him a lot

This time of year always brings on so much emotion. This year I have taken on the task of making a memorial slide show of angels for the Infant and Pregnancy Day and as well as posting daily little bits of info about Ethan and facts.

I love doing it and not feeling guilty others may not want to read it..... But my heart aches more than usual because its a topic of discussion by many of my friends and many I consider family. I wouldn't trade it don't get me wrong. But it makes me miss him a lot.

This time of year is a constant reminder of something missing. The holidays will never feel quite right, because we are missing one of our family members. And when we go out and about we get tons of comments on the size or our family or whatever and I feel myself scream inside, I have another son you just can't see him.

I feel like no matter what I do will be good enough for my Ethan. And not because he wouldn't feel that way but because nothing will ever feel good enough for me other than to hold him, mother him and all the things you are suppose to do for your child.

I love facebook it's been so amazing to have all these connections to other moms and make new connections or rekindle old ones and share Ethan all over again. But its also heartbreaking.

I see new moms suffering this horrible gut wrenching, heart stopping pain from the beginning and I feel so helpless for them and then I am almost brought to my knees with the pain all over again.

Sometimes it feels so long ago I held my baby and I kissed him. I don't think I ever said goodbye but in my heart it felt like goodbye then. And other times it feels like yesterday, when I was on my way to the hospital to hear the devestating world changing news, "I'm sorry we don't see any cardiac activity.

It was a slap in the face, punch in the gut. "Here carry this baby for 8.5 months, make a place for him in your heart and home and prepare yourselves for a lifetime with this baby...Just so it can be all taken away".

And yet now I know how truly blessed and enriched my life has become since losing the most scared part of your life.

But sometimes like tonight it doesn't feel so blessed it feels crappy, rotten and unfair.

My dearest Ethan I love you always and forever and until we meet again know I love and miss you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Right where I am 3 years 4 months and 2 weeks later

The nights are not so long anymore, when the street lights came on and porch lights emerged in the dark is where my grief emerged and the nights seemed to carry on forever.

I think now the days seem longer and the happier moments are closer together than the death grip of grief’s hauntings.

I still sometimes find myself on that horrible rollercoaster and the times when out of nowhere my grief band aid has been ripped off.... so hard and so fast I feel like I'm bleeding again.

But I don't feel suffocated all the time anymore by my emotions and my hearts longing to see, hold and touch my son. I will never quite missing him more than I will ever been able to put into words of course.

From time to time I am stopped dead in life’s tracks when I hear Ethan's name, or see a little three year old boy. I still feel the tug on my heart when I simple reminders of him pass before my eyes or ears.

I still get absolutely blindsided sometimes. I don't understand people, who have babies and kill them, don't raise them or whatever the case may be. I have my days where I feel like I am being kicked while I am down where I get jealous of my friends with three year olds, because I am seeing all that I am missing out on.

I still cannot and will not look at a friend from high schools pictures of her son Ethan who is only months younger than my Ethan would be. I have never told her any of this and I don't think I ever will. I still am hurt she used my sons name when it seems so sacred now.

A year ago I was mad at myself for not spending all my extra time at the cemetery to honor, and baby my son’s grave as a way to parent him. I now realize he isn't there and he doesn't care if I show my outward expression of my love at his grave. Ethan knows we carry him daily in our hearts, minds and on our lips as we say his name.

I can finally three years later speak his name or share his story without a meltdown, now I can tell it with just my eyes welling with tears.

A year ago I would feel a lump in my throat if I had the chance to tell his story... the story of many wingless wonders. Just because I wasn't sure how the audience I was speaking to whether it was a simple person on the street, a nurse or another family would take it, I always feared how others would handle his story. I would feel my knees buckle in fear, now my heart skips a beat when I get that opportunity to speak my son’s name, and tell the story so many people live daily.

For the first two years I blamed myself for Ethan's death. I was his mother and I was suppose to protect him and I failed miserably. I thought maybe I had done something so horrible as a person that this was my punishment, or maybe we were pushing our luck by trying to have a third child when we already had two perfectly heatlhy children at home. I still tug o war with this because as a mother its our instinct to protect our children and I couldn't do that. And I still have a hard time with knowing whether or not his death was painful and the pure image of him struggling makes me sick. But I am not horrified by it anymore I am holding onto hope that his death was quick and painless and that he knows I would of done anything to save him.

I don't hate God anymore though. I remember spending the first two years more mad at him than ever, more resentful he would let such a thing happen to me and my family, to so many families every single day. Now I find myself on my knees more often than not. Thanking him for all I have been given for allowing me to be Ethan's mom.
No one will ever be unable to understand that unless they too have experienced such a loss.
I think the day we lost Ethan rather than going on about his business he was on his knees crying with us. He knows the heaviness of my heart as he too lost his son.
I have Hope for the day I get to see my son again rather than complete anguish that he has been taken from me.

In the beginning I felt destroyed by grief and I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain sucking life I was living to end. I thought at times if I was dead I would be so much happier because I would be with my son. It seemed so much easier than living this day to day vicious cycle. Then it clicked I couldn't do that to my children, to any of them. It wasn't fair to my other children and Ethan would probably be disappointed in me. Even though at times a bottle of pills and death in my sleep seemed so much more comforting.

I don't get so down on myself when I have those bad days where grief takes over. I allow it because when I allow it I feel closer to Ethan than ever, and if I allow it then I feel better later. Not always right away, in fact never right away. And the evenings are still when grief seems to sneak up on me. But I can almost always guarantee when I wake up I will feel better.

Sure I may have the world’s worst headache, but it was so worth it in the end. It's never easy and it always sucks but I tell myself if I get through one day its one day closer to the day I am reunited with my son.

A year after we lost Ethan and delivered our rainbow baby I put myself into counseling because the pain was too much to bear alone anymore. I felt so much guilt for having another child after losing Ethan like he would feel we just up and replaced him which will never ever be able to be done, and then extreme guilt for our new baby that he would feel like a replacement and feel he had big shoes to fill and would never be able to do so. I now know my crazy wild fun loving rainbow baby was sent her to fill our hearts with hope, love and joy again despite the rain clouds we have hope now and I know in my heart that Ethan would want us to be happy and Corbin our rainbow baby will never know more than love and that he has a brother who watches him from above.

I still struggle with PTSD; it’s something I am learning I will probably always tug-a-war with. I will always fear losing one of my kids now, because before it was just one of those things you hear of. Now it’s one of those things that really do happen and it happened to me. So I know I’m not immune to it. But I'm slowly learning to let go that I can't control every outcome in life even if I want to. Even if I were to bubble wrap my kids it doesn't mean someday they won't remove the bubble wrap to experience life and something will tragically happen. But this is a hurdle I will keep trying to conquer. We have to live everyday now as our last responsibly remembering to make each moment count even if the end result is another loss.

I will admit that as a protective mechisim sometimes even now I find myself trying to make sense of this all. I still fight from time to time with myself that I delivered my dead son, I held him and I burried him. That the pictures of him on the wall are really pictures of one of my children. It doesn't usually seem like that all really happened. It seems like a dream and I am not sure if any of that will ever change. Or if in fact its healthy. I have no idea at all.

None of this means I don't miss my son that I don't have my days, weeks, months where I am mad and sad, and have fallen under grief’s horrible grip again. It just means my grief has transformed from suffocating, intolerable pain into hope and acceptance of this life journey I am on.

I've accepted that this is the way my life is and will be and the only thing I can do is chose where to go from here.

Where I chose to go from here is to carry his life with mine, make him proud and do an amazing job by raising my other children in a way they all will be proud of. I carry Ethan in everything I do. I am a better mother for it, a better friend, and overall better person because I have experienced life’s most horrible tragedy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Another not so happy ending......

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty strong person when it comes to watching television shows. But last night I was brought to my knees by an innocent show directed at teens.

The Secret Life Of An American Teenager captured the devestation, dibilitating reality of infant loss. More so of stillbirth.

Watching her sit in the hospital bed and crumble brought me back to where my life started and half my heart left me just 4 days shy of 44 months ago.

I felt my heart ache all over again. I felt that total suffication, and complete heartache as if it was me in that hospital room again.

I still sit in shock from time to time that this is my life, that I delievered a dead child, I buried him, and that there will always be something missing.

Reading comments on the fb page for the show just upset me more. I had to keep reminding myself that until it happens to you, you are totally clueless. And a lot of the posters are young teens who are uneducated.

I completly commend abc for writing a script most were uncomfortable with, that they showed that pregancy isnt always this cute chubby baby with a happy ending. And that there is sometimes a darker side and much harder reality to pregnancy than late night feedings, unconsolable babies, and partners that dont always stick around after the birth.

Instead the is a life changing, world shattering possiblilty in pregnancy. The thought of a dead baby made many of these posters upset and uncomfortable. Many made comments that were hurtful to those who are walking this lonely road. That almost always loss blindsides you. It doesn't matter if you took every single prenatal vitamin, went to every appt, watched what you ate and worked out. It just doesn't matter stillbirth does not discriminate. It happens to high class and low. And no matter who it happens to your not prepared to burry your child. It's not the natural order of life. Mother's and father's don't bury their children it should be the other way around.

The reality of loss is we didn't just lose a baby we lost our furture hopes and dreams. I had my sons room all set and hospital bags packed. My children called their baby brother by his name long before he was here. So now instead of counting fingers and toes, birthdays, milestones like walking, first tooth, first date, graduation, driving. We are sending ballons to heaven, and birthdays are filled with sad tears, we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. We don't get to sit and ponder over what cool Christmas toys they want, instead we sit graveside trying to decide which decorations are the best since that's all we can do.

I had to step back from time to time and sometimes I felt compelled to write back with some educational facts. Some were horrified at the thought of naming this dead baby, I had to remind them that naming the baby was one of the most healing things, that just because the baby died doesnt mean you dont still love them. Some of the people were posting how fake the reaction to the baby dying were. I had to tell them that when you are grieving you act like a different person, that people who arent directly involved with the baby would infact cry.

My only hopes are that ABC will continue to correctly portray infant loss and that in a few episodes they aren't just all better or over it. I hope they go through all those changes that happen in your life, all the different stages of grief.

I don't think for me I have ever really been angry. I have been sad, devestated, hurt, shocked and I think more than anything numb and in denial.

But last night anger came on stronger than I have ever experienced.

I was angry that this was the life picked for me, that my kids had to learn of such a raw loss so young. That until last night I was never so mad at my nursing staff. I was never so lost in my life as I was that day and yet I layed in my hospital bed alone, numb and it would of been nice to have the hand of someone who knew a few words of comfort, a counselor, someone to walk me thorugh all the things I could do with Ethan so that three years later I wouldn't have so many regrets as I do now.

But I found myself devestated at another not so happy ending.......

Friday, April 8, 2011


I find myself at a stand still this evening with grief... It just wont go away at least not that nagging horrible gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my heart.

I am so sad that I can't see him , smell him, touch him or hear him talk. I want to be chasing my three year old around. And I want to hear him talk, say "mommy I love you", something....heck anything.

Yeah sure I say why me? sometimes, but really I am thinking why anybody? This pain is unreal. It feels unreal and sometimes I feel burried.

I wish I could go back to the day Ethan was born and re-do most everything. I want to bathe him, dress him, take his clothes home with me. Take more pictures and hold him until they pryed him out of my hands. Stuff that people who have never experienced a loss would think was crazy. But those moments were all I will ever have and until my day comes I have to sit and live with all the what if's and should of's.

I wish nursing staff was more educated on helping families so that they dont not only go home empty handed but also a little less regret free.

I think my next goal is to find a way to get out there and let the nursing staff know what it is baby loss parents need and want. And how they can help.

Because I will tell you that my nursing staff stayed long enough to deliver my dead son and leave. I didnt see them again excpet a quick pop in and out to make sure I was breathing.

I needed more than that. I needed compassion, a hug, a tear or two.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Between Here and There

I often find myself between where I want to be in my grief and where I am currently. Sometimes I want to be more to this side or maybe the clear end of the other specturm of grief.

Three years, amazingly hard, joyous, frightful, exhausting yet powerful three years later. That hasnt changed.

Most of the time I am content in where I stand in my life, but there is still pangs of grief that consume me.

I find myself longing to hold Ethan to beg the lord to please make this nightmare go away, but its not going to change not now.

I attended church a few weeks back and we started a series called Marked, they are using tattoos as a reference. And this series caught my attention from the moment I knew it was one about tattoos and two when I heard the reference marked.

I am forever marked with my sons footprints and two marked with the tragic loss of my son that I have to learn how to live with daily, weekly, yearly and sometimes every second.

But the priest/pastor started talking about God and how we sometimes feel he is responsible for the things that happen to us, or that if he is not responsible for making them happen that he allowed it to happen.

About a year ago I came to terms with the fact I do not believe that God made me lose my son to teach me a lesson, or that he would allow such a thing. I kinda look at it like he knows the pain of losing a child and I am sure the day we lost Ethan he was crying with us.

The priest/pastor started taking about when him and his wife lost their baby and how much pain, hurt, resentment they had to wrestle with. How he even admitted that when they found out friends of theirs were having a baby, in his darkest hour he even wished they would lose their baby.

I have never ever cried during a service but this one I couldnt stop. Each time I dried my eyes the tears kept seeping out of the ducts of my eyes. I didnt feel embarrased as I normally would for crying in public. I think I was in total awe that this man had been though something so horrible and was so brutally honest about questioning God and wishing such horrible things on someone else. And I also flat out for the first time in three years sat in church crying over my son and let go and took it all in.

There are a lot of things I wish I didnt do or did do still to this day. Like going to Ethans grave all the time.

When we first lost Ethan, okay the first year after we lost him. His grave was my emotional sancutuary. It was where I could baby my baby that I couldnt hold or baby in real life. I decorated it and thought those people who burried their babys and didnt decorate their angels graves and show their outward expression of love, must not have loved them that much.
I didnt wish anyone to lose their baby but I passed judgement on those who didnt visit all the time like I felt I had to.

And well I am now one of those people, at first through the second year of Ethans life. I resented myself for not being there as often as I was the first year. I got mad at myself for not decorating on a holiday as I felt I should have been doing.

And now entering the third year I have come to terms that my outward expression of decorating his grave. Does not mean I do not love or miss my son. He will always be in my heart and I think I know in my heart that he knows how deep my love is.

I still wish I could be back at the beginning specturm of his loss doing all that, but it hurts too much and I think I have finally accepted that it does not make me a bad mom.

Im sure people who see baby land and the graves that are lonely looking know in their hearts that my heart is with my son.

‎1 Samuel 1:27-28 - I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Happy 3rd Birthday Ethan

Wow has it really been three years. It's amazing to me that time has flown by yet stood competly still.

I still find myself recalling every single possible memory from three years ago. I guess I know its because its the most painful life event a person could go through. I also think because when I am in the mist of grief I feel closest to you. And those are the only memories I will ever have.

Three years ago I was in the hospital room, being constantly drugged with benedryl because the epidural made me itch uncontrolable. Which was a little strange since I never had that issue with your brothers. But maybe it was a way for me to get a break. The benedryl made me so sleepy and I couldnt keep my eyes open for anything at all. I remember brief pauses waking up here and there.

Then I remember waking up in the morning to a strange feeling and my water broke, it was very bloody and I remember being so scared at that moment. Not that anything could go anymore wrong really, but still I was scared.

Not much longer after that you started to crown and I was so frightened I remember crying and telling the nurses that I couldnt do this I didnt want to do this. But it was not something I could avoid.

At 847am the doctor handed me this amazingly beautiful but lifeless child. I wanted to see you so bad but I also remember being so scared to see you, not knowing why you had passed away.

But you were the most beautifull angelic little boy I have ever layed eyes or hands on. Everything about you. Your perfectly round head, dark handsome hair, little round lips and mommys nose. Those tiny long fingers and daddys big feet.

I wish I could have held you forever and it broke my heart to let them take you, knowing I would never get to see you again until our time comes.

Ethan you have molded me in ways people only wish they could be molded without a major effort, and I thank you for that. I am more compassionate, loving, genuine than I ever thought possible.

I miss you though and I would be lying if I said otherwise. You will be three here in 12 hours ish. A running, full blown toddler. I miss getting to see that. I wish I knew if you kept that handsome dark hair or if it got light like mommys.

When I close my eyes tonight my heart will be with you, as it always is. But tonight I am going to try to let go of the pain, the tears, the haunting memories. And just have joy... The joy you have given me and others through your life.

It wont be easy it never is but I thank you my angel for all you have given me. I love you Happy Birthday Little Man

Thursday, January 13, 2011

It's fast approaching

Wow three years, really has it been that long? I find myself sitting often and repeating this in my head. I cannot believe it's been so long yet honestly it still hurts like it happend yesterday. And by it I mean that I learned my son had died, that I had to got to meet him but turn around and say goodbye.

Grief is like a blanket over your head or make that a pillow. Sometimes its incredibly suffocating and dibaliting.

I know when I lost Ethan I said over and over how I just wanted to die with him, and yet I proved to myself that I was stronger here I am standing almost 3 years later. I did it for my boys all 5 of them. I did it for my husband and I did it for all those other families who will walk this horrible, thing called grief.

I find myself getting sad as I reflect on all those happenings from 3 years ago. How could I not. What I went through was bigger than any challange you take in life, college or the biggest ones marriage and having kids.

Someone described grif as the grief monster and I think I'd have to agree. As a child hiding under your covers because your scared is exactly who grief makes you feel as an adult. You never know when it will come and it will it be tender and nice or suck every ounce of the life you have at that moment out of you.

Three years ago about this time I had my baby shower for Ethan. I had a room full of people excited for his arrival and I sat blissfully ignorant that stillbirth would steal my son.

I am still in shock that this happens. That it happened to me. Because surely when your pregnant you don't plan on a funeral, or to say goodbye.

When my friend Taylor lost her son the year prior to Ethan's death, I sat in the car telling another friend "If that ever happened to me, I don't know what I would do. I think I would kill myself".

Well I didn't and yes I am glad but a piece of my heart will always be with him and a piece of me will always want to be there too! I am a mother his mother and that's what we do.

Somedays I sit and think really did that happen? Did I deliver a dead child? But it feels like a crappy dream I will wake up from, or MAYBE I was never pregnant at all and I am just crazy.

I hope as we blow out the candles this year, and of course our wish will be as it always has "that Ethan knows how much we love him, and someday I pray I get to hold him once more". I have to believe I get that because if not, then I will crumble. I lost track of what I was saying. But I hope that this tradegy will end if just a few lives less. I hope that I become a little stronger.

I hope that I am doing right by my other boys, honoring Ethan and that they never ever feel any less to him. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here. It was their lives that kept me going all those lonely, cold, heart shattering nights.