Monday, June 14, 2010

My Earthly Angel

Our time is coming to a close and I guess I never imagined finding someone who would get me or at least try to understand me.
Granted I know you’re a counselor and that's your job, but you always went above and beyond.
I remember the first time walking into your office I thought for sure, "this lady will never understand me and I will be the crazy lady who lost a baby". But it’s not at all what happened. Instead you read a brief background about my loss and you’re cried with me.
I admit I was apprehensive at first because I had been hurt more times by others and I thought for sure the things you were saying or your tears were a show to suck me in so to speak.
But instead found out over time that it was your true heart and you were one of a kind.
You helped me get out of the horrible path I was facing more than once you reassured me several times that you didn't just say things because you had to that you indeed did care.
That you were touched by me as a person. That comment itself was probably one of the most treasured things I will carry with me. I hope someday to be as great of a person as you are. That I can be as authentic and genuine even in fear of being hurt.
I keep the relaxation cd with me in times of need, I read your letter when I feel desperate and need some cheering up.
I often find myself laughing at things you did to try to cheer me up or make me quit being so stubborn. And I also find myself in tears knowing that I yet have to experience another type of loss.
When I walked into your office a year and a half ago I didn't think it would be a long term thing at all, I never guessed I would form a relationship that would be worthwhile. I always thought I was inferior only to realize I am right there with you. I always frowned at the thought of a counselor and yet weekly, sometimes more than once a week to every other week I looked forward to seeing you.
You always kept right behind me even when I thought that I would be left behind in the process. There was always a hand held out even if it wasn’t visible.
I am going to miss chatting and spilling my weekly, bi-weekly crap to you. I am going to miss you in general and hope that I learn how to cope with this loss as well as I have learned to cope with Ethan being gone. It’s not a matter of can I? As much as it is I don't want to.
I know nothing good in life is easy but I wish this was easier. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. And I still picture myself like a stubborn toddler stomping their feet, because it isn't fair and I don't want to say goodbye again.
To you I owe heart and I promise to make you proud.

Always and Forever,

Here and there

The two and a half year mark is quickly approaching fast. Its amamzing how quickly we forget somethings and yet those other things are forever engrained into our heads and hearts.

Twenty nine months ago I thought for sure I would never be the same, that my life was over or at least the one I had always known. And in retrospect yup it is. But its not over it just began that long ago.

I never thought I would be able to get past being angry and bitter. That I would always hate God and that I would just crawl into a hole and die. I think part of me did die but I also think a part of me was born again.

A part I never knew existed. A part where my heart was filled with a love and compassion beyond measure. Sometimes it hurts because I feel like my heart could burst.

I recently did a session for a family who lost their first baby and then I got a voicemail from a mom, who was giving me some information for a slide show and in her message her broke down upon the mention of her Angels name. It was then my heart felt that way. I knew what she was feeling the anguish, pain, raw heart wrenching pain at that. The longing for her little girl.

Then we chatted and it felt so good to be able to tell someone that it was ok to break down and be able to give some guidance on something that I don't think there really is a pratical book for.

Since a year ago I have been so honored to be apart of something bigger than I can ever achieve on my own, and forget all of that anyways. But without having lost Ethan I would have never been on this path.

And I have made some of the most amazing friends because of it. I am able to be more authentic with myself and others, and at the same time be able to help someone walking this lonely path.

So I guess what I am saying is I know that in the beginning of this journey everything was so confusing, raw, painful and seemed un-imaginable even though I was going through it. I thought it would never end and that I was going to suffocate from pain.

But it does change, it doesnt get easier. I could never use that word. Because saying my child is gone, dead, in Heaven etc will never get easier. Looking at the devestation, horror and loss for words in strangers faces will never get easier.

But it does channel differently. My arms will always ache, I will always have my rollercoaster down days, I will still sob and want Ethan here with us and there will always be a milestone we didnt get to watch with him.

No one could have prepared me to lose a child, not then and not even now being through it. But if someone would have told me that I would be where I am twenty nine months later, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have shook my head in disbelief.

But it does and will happen. I was there and I am still here now.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Loss and Living

It has been a heck of a few days and sometimes like these I sit and reflect others I cry. Yesterday was a crying day for sure.

Someone wrote to me and said " I'm always thinking of you. You inspire me to press on. This journey through grief is tough. And sometimes I get tired of putting on a good face when I'm dying inside, because I'm afraid other will judge me. But you're not. Your Bold and Honest and Unfiltered and Raw. It's refreshing. I wish I had your strength."

I sat for a few minutes and let it sink it because I am not very good with compliments at all especially when I feel so weak myself. And I thought yeah I feel pretty special that other's can look at me this way, despite me feeling weak and sorry for myself.

Grief flat out sucks, its hard and it can really suck everything you have out of you. Most of the time and especially in the past I have been known to put on a brave face and say I'm ok when I feel I'm dying inside. Usually because of lack of healthy grieving I was allowed while growing up. I was always taught to supress emotion that it was no good and so I lived in fear of being told I was wrong or that other's might find me odd.

But with some things have been able to be raw, unfiltered, honest and I guess bold. Mostly with Ethan but now Im learning to be all of that with everyday things. But it's sucks sometimes because feel vunerable.

Even with Ethan and those things. I shared some pictures the other day and someone found it offensive and I was taken back because it was another photographer and I guess I never in a million years thought one of my own colleagues would judge and find my son in that way. So I was taken back and I wanted to go back to before I showed his pictures.

But realized I had a choice and that I didnt need that relatonship anymore. That I was an adult I was allowed to be hurt those were my feelings and I owned them. So I cried and I shared my feelings and moved on.

But sometimes being unfiltered, honest, and raw are so hard. Things like the relationship with my father. Here is a man who has walked in and out of my life from the age of 15. And every single time I fall back into being a little girl wanting a dad so bad that I have let him hurt me. Until recently.

I wrote to him and explained my feelings and how hurt I was and what t was I needed now and what i was willing to take. And I got a response that brought me down at first until procesed it and my friend was right. He can't be emotionally healthy so he couldn't have possibly given me the response that would have brought closure. But I was hurt by the lies and I was also taken back because all I ever wanted was to be heard and I felt so far from that.

But I guess maybe in his own way he did say he heard me or at least I hope so. But this is the hard part sticking to my word and not allowing him to bring me down and finally at almost 29 accepting the loss of my father.

He can't and probably won't ever be anykind of father to me. Not because he doesn't want to necessarly but because he doesn't know how. He has spent a lifetime in a very unstable, unhealthy enviroment. So I guess maybe it's best to know that the lack of a father verse having him as he is is better for me and for my kids.

I think I have accepted that for the most part it still hurts but more than anything the constant loss in my life is what hurts the most. It's knowing I was robbed I guess of so much growing up and how I turned out how I am I don't know.

So I guess thank you to my friend who said those kind uplifting words to me today I needed to hear it not even knowing I needed it. I guess being all of those things is good because I am inspiring others to be the same.

But to her I say it's not easy and you will be judged but I guess at some point I made the choice not to care so much. And I will be here for you too. I won't judge and I'll listen to you.