Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009 and Hello 2010

It has been a crazy, sad yet a blessed year.
My year started off with celebrating Ethan's 1st Heavenly birthday and welcoming our rainbow baby into this world.  Talk about a flooding of emotions happy, blessed, sad you name it and I felt it.

In March I fought with emotions I never thought possible.  I was missing Ethan so much and I felt gulity for loving Corbin like I was dishonoring Ethan.  But then guilt towards Corbin that I had put him on this earth so soon after losing Ethan and that the world would give him big shoes (Ethan's shoes) to fill.  I knew it wasn't possible and I wanted more than anything for Corbin just to be him and who he was ment to be.

So the flooding of those emotions took over and per my ob's loving hand and guidance I sought out a friend of her's that was a psycotherapist.  And the bond and relationship has been amazing and overwhelming to say the least.  I am blessed!  I am learning to take this journey from a different point of view along with a new journey I never thought I would.

In June of 2009 I decided that I would take a leap of faith and apply to become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  I have no experience with a camera other than being self taught.  So it was pretty scary.

But I wanted nothing more than to do something to honor Ethan and a way to hopefully help me heal and give a purpose to the crazy year I had been through.

I got approval and my journey started.  My first session I remember like yesterday.  I got the call and waitied patiently for someone to shadow I didnt have the condifience to do it alone.

Well that never happened.  So I decided to just take the leap and just do it.  I packed all my gear up and got in the car with a lump in my throat.  See it wasn't a situtation I had been through.  It was a life support removal for a 3 month old.  And here I had this healthy 3 month old at home happy as can be.  How do you say goodbye?  Was all I could think.

Had it been a stillbirth I knew those emotions well.  I could do that.  So I questioned myself all the way there.

About 10 minutes from the hospital I got a call from the nurse asking how far out I was, that this little girl was going fast.  The aderline kicked in and I put my foot on the gas and sped up.  Just as I had done that, I got nailed.  My first speeding ticket in over ten years.

Not only my first speeding ticket but I was going 20 over the speed limit, and in the end I got a hefty fine ($160.00) out of it and a nice reminder to take it slow. 

To date I have done 33 sessions since June for NILMDTS and as I type this Im waiting on an Angel to be born. 

Some painfully heartbreaking and yet it allows me to help other families heal.  I have been able to form some amazing bonds with some of these families with whom I am still in contact with.

This year has been hard no doubt about it but I have found a purpose in Ethan's death, where as before I wasn't able to and I was just hurt, angry, sad in denial.

I would not trade this for Ethan back, without Ethan I would not be who I am now nor would have I been able to create the relationships that I have.

So here is 2010 and what it will undoubtly bring.  Sure there will be more tears, more heartbreak, more questioning but I'm human and its in us to feel this way from time to time.

I'm looking forward to 2010 and the faith that this following year will prove to be one of love, hope, renewed faith, the possibilty of greatness.  All with my Very Own Angel on my shoulder.     (thanks Stephanie at

I will leave you with a few words of comfort or so I pray.

Grief is a journey not a destination

I've learned that moving forward is different than moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live

Saturday, December 26, 2009


The four little People that make my heart tick.

Since I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a mom, there was absolutely no doubt about it.  I couldn't wait.
Never in a million years did I forsee this being my future.  I never thought on Christmas in order to capture all four of my children that I would have to have three of them holding a picture of their brother.  But this is my family.
And as sad and as hard as it can be at time's this is us, this is who we will always be.  Ethan has shaped me into something great.  Sounds concieded I know but I would not be who I am now without the pain and sadness that came from saying hello and goodbye all at the same time.
I once came across this quote "Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye all in the same day is worth all the sorrow".

It's so fitting and true, now of course it's painful and sad but it was so worth it to be able to be able to say goodbye.

Yesterday was bittersweet  we sat and read all of Ethan's letters from people I cried and I shed a few tears.  At one point when Blake was reading their letter from Ethan I had to step into the bathroom to gather my thought's and get the tears to stop.  But it made Blake feel pretty special.

I feel very blessed to have so many people stop and take the time to do this.  It ment a lot to me.
This is Blake reading to Corbin, one of the many letter's we recieved. 
Here is the letter recieved from a good friend to the boys from Ethan.♥

Blake, Aiden and Corbin,
I wish you could know
How I wanted to be with you
So you could watch me grow.

But God chose to bring me
Back to Heaven

Now my special brother's
I'll watch over you
Until we are together again.

Smile often for Mommy and Daddy
because through your laughter
they will see me, hear me and be close ... to me

This note will be in my stocking each year
Read it out loud, pass it along, and
Remember me for every following year.

HUGS, Love and Kisses from above,
Baby Ethan♥

Here is a picture with my nephew he is a doll and I love picturing Ethan's life through his so I had to take a picture with him today.

And one more picture this time of Corbin I truly believe Ethan sent this smily, loving little guy into our lives.

So through all the pain and sorrow we have been built up through it all.  There is not a single day that passes that Ethan is not on my mind and not a single day I wish I didn't get a few more minutes to take away all the regrets and to ask for a do-over.  So I could walk away with no regrets but Im sure even if I had that I would still have a regret or two.  Its just hindsight.

Okay I lied here is one more picture we have this little Angel on our tree and well it hate's our tree or something because every single day we put it on and everyday it falls off.  Now other people have brought it to my attention that Ethan is playing games on us and maybe he doesn't like it because its a girl.  Well I know he has tons of little girl angel friends so it can't be that.
But maybe its his sign to tell us that he is watching us.  As I sit here typing this the angel has fallen down once again.

So I guess Ethan got my letter when I asked him to let us know he was around.  I love my little guys all four of them.

Thank you to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers it means a lot to me, even beings its our second year living our lives this way. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Christmas Ethan

My little man,

This is your second Christmas in Heaven and yes my arms still long for you.  At first I was struggling as Im sure you were able to see.
I would have much rather climbed in bed and wished the holiday's away and prayed for a better 2010.  But realistically it's not an option.  I know you would want me to be happy and I know your brother's deserve to have one of the best Christmas's ever.
I wonder what you would look like, what your thinking and Im sad Im missing the amazing expression's on your face.
Your stocking is hung right next to ours as it should be, right after Aiden and before Corbin.  Just as our family was ment to be.
But this year we got a great idea from another Angel family to have friends and family fill your stocking with letter's to you.  I cant wait to sit and read them Christmas morning.
I often sit and wonder what you are doing up there.  Are you chasing butterflies, playing ball with your friends, sitting and coloring?  Im sure your doing all of this because your big brothers were just the same and you are part of us.
I even have imagined you sitting on a cloud and looking at the pictures in a book.  I bet you're our little genius.  I cant seem to think of you any other way.
This year I will sit and watch your cousin and picture you.  I love watching him and thinking you would be doing much of the same things, 
Ethan two years ago at this time I was getting anxious and so unprepared for the possibilty of saying goodbye in a little over a month.
We shopped for you for Christmas even though we knew you wouldn't be here just yet.  Your anut Kandra were getting so excited to be able to sit and watch you and her little one coming around the same time.  We were anxious to have eachother during this time.
Little did I know how fast those dreams would be shattered and how drastically my life would change.

Little man please keep us near you today and on Christmas, wrap your wings around us please and maybe send me a dream or two of you.
Sit on that big old fluffy cloud with all your angel friends and send some love to all of their families too.  I hope the lights and sounds from Heaven are as amazing as I imagine.

Sweet dreams Ethan I love you ,

Friday, December 11, 2009

Why is it so easy for everyone else?

Holidays are coming fast, and its getting a little more depressing.  Thanksgiving wasn't too bad but Im having a little harder time with Christmas.

On Thanksgiving we did our usual decorating around the house for Christmas and it was fun I had hope and joy.  But we don't have our tree up and it wouldn't be at all if it wasn't for the other three boys.
I'm having a hard time grasping why its so much easier for everyone to judge and want me to move on and that I should be happy with the fact I have three other boys here.

Don't get me wrong I'm amazingly blessed with the three other boys but I dont see a time and place where my heart wont ache for Ethan at these specials times of year.

Walking down the street seeing someone with a little boy Ethan's age or how I could possibly picture Ethan is hard.

I take very much joy in the other boys, we sing and we get to dance and sing the holiday spirit will come but not easy.  So please understand when Im hurting Im not forgetting my other three.  My heart just aches for the fact we should have six stockings hanging on the wall not five.  This year as last year Ethan's stocking will be hanging in its place, but you see I dont get to fill it with little nick nacks, goldfish, his first candy cane that he would be able to put his little lips on.  Without all of it going to waste.

We love all of our boys but that includes Ethan.  We take pride and joy in watching them all grow up and their faces light up when they unwrap the gifts this year.  We are still missing one.

I know for a lot of people since we didnt get to know Ethan other than with him in my belly, that this grieving process should be simple and over with.  Not understanding all over the world how often this happens and how horribly torn we already feel let along with people giving us a reason to feel even more guilty.

Please understand this is hard and we are lonely and my heart is broken but yes I know how blessed I am that I have three children walking along my side.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Why do you want to be me?

I don't get it after being up all night until 2 am this morning. There is a certain individual who has pretended to be a mother of an Angel.

I don't get it why? Why do you want to pretend your life is this way? I don't get the fun in pretending you lost a child.

I mean really, if you know knew the constant daily pain we suffer and struggle with. You would quickly change your mind. I'm guessing this is about attention and I'm sorry for you that you feel the need to find it in such a horrible way.

We trusted you, but to find out your stealing picture's of other people's angel's how horrible. You never once asked to take Ethan's pictures off my facebook page. That is my son and yes I chose to share him with the world.

But thinking I was safe with you viewing them and to find out your taking them and saving them to your computer is not ok. I don't even take my friends living children's pictures and save them without permission. To take an Angel's pictures to me is so far beyond that.

To hear from multiple resources that your lying about the death of a child who never existed makes my heart hurt.

I don't wish this pain on anyone in a million years, and to have a young teenager act as if her world has been turned upside down like ours is more than upsetting. Your old enough to know better and to continue with the lies, is nonsense.

If you could only see the hurt in my eyes and other families with Angel's and for one day walk in our shoes. I can assure you that you would hang up those shoes in a heartbeat.

This is no fame walk, or glory life. Sure my life has been blessed so much by Ethan but it didn't come easy at all. Its taken me a very long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel and at one point I was ready to give up on this life.

Please for your own sake as well as other's take a step back and see the hurt, pain, trust issues you have caused with all of us. I don't expect an apology from you at all, I just expect you to get help if you need it and leave us alone.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Living my life sentence

Life has surely been turned upside down and inside out. And I'm sure people just don't understand why I act the way I do sometimes and it may not be to their standards.

But when you lose a child you lose so much more than just a life. Ive stated this many times. You lose dreams, expectations of life to come, life as you once new it. You briefly lose yourself and transform into a much different person. That doesn't however mean that you lose the old you.

But you do become more aware of the possibility of death, and the unknown road to follow after. You become more aware of today being the only promise.

Life is a bit unpredictable after losing a child. All the things you once had comfort in are so much different now.

We are living a life sentence without our children.

So life will never be the same.

Holidays are approaching so fast and most of us would much rather crawl into our beds and wish the holidays away and want to move on to the next year hoping to gain a little bit of joy, peace, contentment.

We do all have a choice but the fact that your reading this says something about you and who you are. You could have crawled in bed and never came back out. Or wanted to die but chose to live. Its harder than anything we ever imagined. Its not right or fair and its sick how often this happens. But you have made a choice to live on in your childs legacy.

But I know from the proof my life has had to offer that our life sentense doesnt have to be filled with horror, pain, despair.

Find something anything that will make your little one's life shine.

This year as each year that was before. We do for another family who is less fortunate that ourselves and this year we picked a name off of a tree. We decided it would be a boy Ethan's age and to our surprise we found a little boy who is 19 months named Ethan. So we will be doing for that little Ethan in our Ethan's honor.

"You can clutch the past so tightly against your chest, that it leaves your arms to full too embrace the present"

"Each day is a new canvas to paint upon, Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you painted something different"

Monday, November 23, 2009

19 Months

Its been 19 months....

*of missing you
*of tears
*of heartache
*sleepless nights
*of agony
*of crazy dreams
*of begging
*of wonder
*of sadness
*tested faith
*renewed faith
*pretending to the rest of the world I was ok
*accepting it was ok to say I'm not ok
*learning how to live without you
*learning how to find my new normal
*accepting my new normal
*5 months of feeling completed by the gifts you have brought into my life
*5 months of satisfaction knowing I'm honoring your life
*of saying your name over and over
*praying the rest of the world doesn't forget to say your name
*trying to find ways to keep your memory alive in my heart and others

It has been 19 months of the worst heartache and joy all at once. I've learned more about myself in these past 19 months than I have in the past 28 years. Without you Ethan I wouldn't be complete.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let me take 1 step forward while I take 1,000 back

Whew this week has been a week.

2 weeks ago we found out we were expecting again. And the shock set it right away. After we had Corbin we had decided we were done and well I decided after many mixed emotions that maybe this little one was coming to shake up our world a little more for the better.

See even this this came very shocking to us we took it in stride not believing in abortion, and no way on earth could we give him/her up. We did what we believe is best step up and raise this baby. Our kids are more than cared for and this little one would have all the love in the world. I do believe that sometimes things come to us when we aren't looking for them.

Then the fear set in. Can I really go through this roller coaster of emotions again? What if? How? If I get happy something will happen!

Sunday afternoon after a trip to grocery store I came home and discovered I was bleeding. My heart sank right away and I knew in my heart that it was over as fast as the joy came. I'm now left with all these mixed emotions right now.

In the end we wanted this baby so much. And to hear my husband say this broke my heart even more! I feel like a failure one of the easiest most beautiful things on earth my body just cant seem to do right.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Things I already know the answer to but I'm in that pit of grief all over again. Its taking every fiber in my body to not collapse in pain.

This past 18 months has been more of a hell than I can describe. Sure my life has been enriched with many blessings and as I stated in my last blog I wouldn't trade Ethan to have my life back.

But allow me to wallow in my grief for a few.

My body is not back to normal at all right now and I sit here pondering all of this, and why my life is taking this turn.

How do you stay on top when it feels like every time you get up you get knocked back down?

All the pain my body is in reminds me of the way I came home from the hospital without Ethan. Empty handed, but yet so sore. Milk with no baby to feed. A bag full of papers and empty arms. The lovely phantom baby kicks all to remind yourself your baby is gone.

The joy in realizing Corbin would have a sibling close in age like the older two were and they have been best friends. Only to realize its all gone now.

The pain in knowing pregnancy sucks. The innocence is now gone. There is no time line in telling people anymore. Now its not that 12 weeks is the safe telling point, instead do you wait until your in the hospital?

So much emotion and only so much room in my heart for this pain.

This little one would have been named Emma Rae or Allison Rae and we were thinking maybe Colton Ray for a boy (using the male version of Rae).
Rae is after my beloved therapist, who has helped me in more ways than I can even say. I owe her so much and will forever be indebted for her compassion, love, faith, trust, understanding and tears. I know to some its a little strange to name your child after a therapist but this woman has been my rock and without her I really don't know where I'd be.
If we chose Allison it would have been after my OB would has been my god send through the past almost 3 years. I can't imagine not honoring both of these women.

Loving you

Today I was reading a blog from another Angel mom and it was all about the way our lives are altered now and our lives parenting an Angel Baby/Child.

All the inadequate feelings that we have in loving our Angel's.

The difference's we have with our earthly children and the one/one's who fly above us.

I have to admit I feel all of those feelings as well, and more often than I wish I had to.

See I can love Ethan with all I am and carry him within all I do on a daily basis. Working with NILMDTS I get to love and honor him in that way, when I talk about him, or a rare instance comes up and someone asks to see a picture (now I can't say that one has happened in a very long time). I can love him with every possible fiber in my body and say it over and over in my head and praying he hears me and feels the love I carry for him. I can carry all those memory's with me that I do have with me, but eventually those will fade little by little. I can tend his grave and keep little things out there, but usually that comes with the heartache knowing he really isn't there.

But I can't kiss a broken heart of his someday, I can't kiss a scrapped knee and know that for a moment he will feel mommy's kiss made it all better. I can't squeeze and hug him. I can't soothe his cries with a single song, I cant hold him and wonder what I can do to make things better.

All those physical things as human beings that we desire to show to other's especially our children. We don't have that. They always say actions speak lower than words. And boy this is one thing beyond our control we just can't do.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I've been thinking for two days about a topic I want to write about. And after two days I can't think of one so I will just ramble about things I'm thinking about.

The first about healing. I guess when I lost Ethan I always hoped there would be this instant healing. I guess instant gratification so to speak. Whenever I read another Angel moms thoughts almost always I read some form or another about how they want to feel better but how guilt is lurking around the corner of happiness.
I think we tend to think "if I feel better it means I am forgetting". When in reality we can never forget can we? We really are our own worst demons aren't we. I'm mean we have been through a tragic, horrific event that is life altering.

And we can't even phantom allowing ourselves some peace, or even to think of the possibility of being happy again in a new way, without throwing yourselves under the bus saying things like."Oh my gosh how can I even think of being happy again?", "If I look or act happy it means I'm forgetting about my son/daughter", "I must be horrible to want to be happy again when I'm missing him/her so much", "how can someone ever be happy again after losing a child? I must be a horrible mother"

I think when we lose our child we want so badly to be able to feel happy just a little because we are drowning in despair. I know when I lost Ethan I wanted to know from anyone and everyone who could answer me when I would feel better? How long did it take? When really I don't think there is a time line. I know for some women its months, years and some who never really grieved it took a lot longer than that.

I know for me it wasn't until the past few months that I actually felt more happy than I do sad. Now that does not mean that I don't have my breakdown days, or that I don't see/hear/smell something that triggers all those emotions to come up.

I recently went to a funeral for one of my NILMDTS sessions little Aiden. And they played a song that I played so many times after I lost Ethan and the song that is on Ethan's video. And I was not prepared for the way I would feel. I felt consumed with my own grief for a few. I for seconds could see my son in the coffin, the flowers smelled the same way they did 19 months ago for me. It was bittersweet.

Healing is really a scab. Sure it heals but from time to time it will get bumped and bleed again and after some time and care of the wound it heals a little more. But only to get knocked again later.

In my opinion only 19 months after losing my son, I will say this. You will never really 100% lose that scab. It will always be there. But it does get easier as time passes to function in life again. To look at the brighter side of things, to enjoy life again. Will you ever be able to enjoy life the carefree way you did before losing a child? I'm going to say no probably not. You will now enjoy life to a much bigger capacity. You will enjoy life to its fullest not being so careless, you will love deeper, you will now appreciate all those things in life that most people take for granted. You will be able to pick up the pieces of your once shattered life and put them into place where they will remain for the rest of your life. Knowing you will always have your very own Angel on your shoulder.

This month I was so lucky to receive NILMDT'S volunteer of the month. I must say it comes with a little apprehension to say the least. I dont do it to be rewarded except the the rewards I get from doing this for other's. I don't do it so other people can say how great I am. I mean really I must say how great Ethan is. Without him I wouldn't be with NILMDTS. Horrible I know but it really takes a major loss to show us all those important things in this life. It really helps to put things into perspective doesn't it? Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? I'll go into that in a minute.

But Ethan has brought so much good into my life its amazing and I never once thought possible. Heck 19 months ago I asked myself why me? what did I do to deserve this? And I begged everyday and every night to the lord above to please tell me how to get Ethan back I would do anything.

I will not get the chance on this earth to ask God these questions. So in the mean time I might as well figure out what to do now? I still miss him more than I can even put into words, I would do about anything to get him back or even get just a few more minutes with him to tell him all I want to say. And to kiss his sweet little face just once more, rub the creases in his feet and touch his beautiful fingers one last time. But the truth of the matter is I cant and yes it sucks.

But Iv asked myself time and time again what I can do now. To heal, to continue Ethan's legacy and soften the blow for other parents. And well 4 months ago I found my niche.

NILMDTS- I have put my all into it, and I have received great rewards nothing tangible. But so many parents of Angel's Iv been able to connect with, so many little ones Iv been able to whisper in their ears before they left this world, so many beautiful little Angels that never got a chance but I was able to touch their little features in amazement and wonder not disgust like others would. See the black lips don't scare me like they would someone else. The satisfaction in knowing that I can provide a legacy for these little wingless wonders by a simple photograph.

This blog has also been a big thing for me as well. I come here and pour my heart out knowing that a lot of times from across the world someone is sitting here reading this with tears filling their eyes but they are nodding their head. And why because someone gets them. I get you, I feel your pain and I'm walking this journey from miles away or even continents but we are together. I may not physically be holding your hand through the roughest of waters but I'm there with you in spirit.

Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? Would I change all the things brought to me through Ethan in which Iv been able to live a much more fulfilled life? I don't know really but I going to say knowing only what I know now. Since losing Ethan I have learned how much this happens and how taboo it is to talk about it.

So I'm going to say with all that Iv learned and shared get ready to gasp I would keep my life as it is now. I will see Ethan again someday I'm pretty sure of that. Somedays I still have my doubts but I really think I will and then and only then I will really enjoy him with all that he has taught me through his brief yet amazing life. He has taught me so much about love, appreciation, life and I think Id be crazy to give that all up for a few years when soon enough I will spend eternity with him. Even just a few short months ago had you asked me this question I would have said yes Id trade it all please just give me Ethan back. But by doing this I think I would lose out on a lot. I know I will see him again and I will hug and never let go but he has taught me to open my heart bigger than its ever been before and most people that know me know I already had a pretty big heart. But now its filled with so much more appreciation, faith, desire to make the world a better place, love, compassion and that makes Ethan great. He has made me into a much better person.

Ill close with a poem that someone once shared with me.
To All My Angel Mom And Dad's ♥ Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones. No, you're not alone. I've been there. Don't fear the darkness. I'll be with you. We must take one step at a time. But remember, we may have to stop awhile. It's a long way to the other side And there are many obstacles. We have many stones to cross. Some are bigger than others. Shock, denial, and anger to start. Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness. It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done. It's the only way to reach the other side. Come, slip your hand in mind. What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands like yours. Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours. Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand In order to take the first step. Oops! You've stumbled. Go ahead and cry. Don't be ashamed. I understand. Let's wait here awhile so that you can get your breath. When you're stronger, we'll go on, one step at a time. There's no need to hurry. Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good. Look, we're halfway there now. I can see the other side. It looks so warm and sunny. On, have you noticed? We're nearing the last stone And you're standing alone. And look, your hand, you've let go of mine. We've reached the other side. But wait, look back, someone is standing there. They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones. I'd better go. They need my help. What? Are you sure? Why, yes, go ahead. I'll wait. You know the way. You've been there. Yes, I agree. It's your turn, my friend . . . To help someone else cross the stepping stones.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The comfort of touch

I was thinking about a few things the other day and was one how Iv made it to where I am with Ethan's loss, how/what things helped me succeed in becoming a person able to cope with this loss. There are people who just seize to exist after a loss such as this.

Well Iv known since day one that wasn't a choice. I have other children who need me. But I did find myself not to long ago just wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I loved my other 3 boys, but I also find myself longing very much for Ethan. My heart can become so heavy I feel its ripping at the seams at times.

I hated being in that place sitting and starring at a bottle of sleeping pills thinking what if I could make all this pain go away. It scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed to talk to someone. I knew that if I let if fester inside me that there was a possibility the pain would become too much and one moment could change everyone's lives around me.

Then I thought about what I found more comforting that anything. Its the comfort of touch.

If you've seen the commericals on tv I think its a diaper commercial but its the setting of a hospital with a brand new baby crying and the nurse touches the mom's shoulder, and then the mom touches the baby and the crying stops.

It then clicked. A few weeks ago I saw my OB Allison whom I'm very grateful for. Out of nowhere she hugged me and gave the the tightest, most comforting hug Iv had in a long time. She didn't have to do that, but she also didn't have to grab my hand as I left and give it a tight squeeze, but she did.

I'm amazed at the power of touch. It speaks volumes, even if not a single word is said by the other person.

It says "I'm here", "I care", "your important". All the things we want people to say to us, but sometimes they just don't know how to.

I think the other day when I hugged the mom from my session this all clicked even more. I could tell her a million times over and over how much I care, how much my heart is breaking for her, that I understand etc.. and I think the hug I gave her more than likely said all of that and more.

Instead a perfect stranger reached out and hugged her. I gave in return a tight hug. My eyes welling up with tears for her.

Its profound, empowering, practical, genuine its says everything you want to say but aren't sure how to.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I've done 4 sessions for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this week so far in a short 4 days. My grief counselor doesn't think its a good idea to take on so many and after our talk yesterday 2 came in today. I couldn't say no when my heart was screaming yes. So I did one of them the other I would of if I had a sitter for the boys.

I'm so so glad I went to the one today. A young girl with her mom. Sweet adorable baby girl, I held her, I caressed her skin and told her goodbye and how sweet she was.

I hugged the mom, the grandma and the friend. Iv never been hugged so tight in my life. I cried when I hugged her.

I connected with the nurse she was a sweet person as well her name was Allison and I have to say I only wish I would have had a nurse like that when we lost Ethan. This lady was amazing. I saw the tears in her eyes as we left the room.

Then as I left the tears came. I'm so angry for her why does this have to happen? I could see the love and devastation in her eyes. I could see her screaming on the inside.

Iv cried off and on all night. I'm just so upset this has to happen. Most of the sessions Iv done are 95% of them anyways are all boys. And here this perfect, warm little baby girl so beautiful taken before she could bloom here on earth.

My heart is heavy tonight. But it felt so good to connect with this mom. I told her its a roller coaster ride and Id be lying if it went away. It never does we just learn how to get through the days a little easier.

I told her to not fight her grief to go with the flow. Cry, scream, be mad etc. She deserves to have all of those feelings and not fight them.

I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I love Ethan to death and he is bringing beautiful people into my life. But it sucks that it has to happen like this.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A very amazing woman

Her sculptures are beautiful
I think women like her everyday deserve to be recognised for their contributions to the world.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Healing can happen and it does

I think the roller coaster I experienced a few weeks ago was some what natural not all of it I'm sure. But I'm sure it will happen again but on a much lower level. This is the new "normal" we will all have some days really high highs and others really low lows.

I feel so much better actually and feel like a difference in my life has come from this all. I think I can accept what has happened and make some changes because of it.

I think admist grief as we have to experience we do not see the changes that we have made or the fears we have conquered. So I'm going to take the time to take in all of those things.

I never thought any of the things below I would ever be able to do after losing Ethan I thought life as I knew it was over. Sure Iv now molded into the same person with a bigger heart, more aware that tomorrow is not a guarantee, that I want to accomplish more in my life time than may even be possible. But I'm still me...

After losing Ethan I have been able to accomplish.....

*Getting over panic like attacks

*Get of the fear that I would die or my kids would, sure its going to happen someday, and maybe not in the order that life should be. But I'm not fear stricken over it now, and I'm not paralyzed by this fear.

*I'm learning to deal with my new life. Ethan is gone and I cant get him back Iv spent 18 months of endless begging for that. Now I know the question is now what? And that is a hard question. I mean really we don't want to think of now what? we are stuck in why me? But really I'm able to think now what am I going to do to make a difference and Honor Ethan's brief life?

*I'm now able to look death in the face and be a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and honor all of these little Angel's. Sure it can be hard but I think for me its part of the grieving process and its giving Ethan's life some meaning and value. Really I would not be doing this had Ethan not be chosen for me to carry next to my heart and love. I'm helping other mom's through their grief and I'm able to hold their hands while they get through the toughest part of the journey.

*I faced the biggest fear of sitting in the same room with someone who doesn't agree with the way we love Ethan. And I'm ok with him not understanding, he can't and I don't expect him to. That I think is a hard one. we never want to face another human being telling us our child isn't exactly who we think they are. We expect the world to understand, respect and live in the chaos we are. But Iv sense learned its ok he doesn't know Ethan and he doesn't love him, he has never lost a child so the level of understanding is going to be so different. I still think we deserve to be respected by others who have not gone through such a loss. But I am able to write it off if not and know I don't ever have to see that person again.

*I realize the importance in today and nothing else. I cant be sure tomorrow I will be here or that I wont lose someone else I'm very close to. But I can make sure for today that I let those people know I love them and the difference they are making in my life. I can try just for today and everyday that follows to be a better me.

*I love God again and I hated him 19 months ago. I mean I really hated him and I hated myself for hating him and questioning him. But I now have a much deeper relationship with God and I know someday I will get to meet my son again and hold him. I was baptised this year a huge move for me.

*Because of Ethan I am able to transform my life for the better and I'm not sure without him I would have taken the steps to do that.

The list could go on and I will add to it as time goes on but these are things that we should be proud of. And not let our grief cloud.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another day in the book of hell

Against all I ever stood for I decided to agree to see someone other than my counselor and see if maybe some anti-depressants would give me some much needed relief, and allow me sometime to just feel better in general.

So I went in today to a referred psycharist and it went over as one of the worst days in my life.

I went in alone even though I was scared as hell. My legs even hurt tonight from keeping so tense the whole time. He was nice Ill give him that, Im glad I was able to get over that one fear. He was gental so to speak.

But then my life headed in another downward spiral. One of my worst fears prior to finding my counselor is someone dismissing my son for nothing and that my grief was not approiate.

When we started talking about Ethan he said he didnt understand why Im so attached to Ethan. I tried explaining he was my son, how could I not be. And he made the statement that I never knew Ethan outside the womb. I never got to know him, so why? and at one point made a referance to miscarriages. Iv had multiple miscarriages so dont take what Im saying as anything more than my own selfish pain. It sucks all of my miscarriages sucked. But they were so much different than Ethan. I could see, hold, touch, caress his features. I had to give birth to him knowing he was going to be dead.

And regardless of not getting to know him he was still our son. He will always be our son. I cant but help think if I felt any different what kind of person would I be.

I lost it my world came crumbling down hard. Someone discounted this little soul for all he was and should have been.

Now I know he may not have ment it as it came across, but I cant imagine telling someone who lost a child at any stage that their attachment didnt make sense.

Now if I was insane and off my rocker and doing crazy ass things I would understand him saying its not normal.

But to tell me my grief for the son we waited for, wished for, tried for years for isnt acceptable. Just pushed me over the edge I climbed up days ago.

I felt like saying thanks a lot I came here to feel better and in fact the hundred and fifty dollars later you made me feel so much worse.

When you lose a child no matter how much later I know of people that still years later question themselves and here I am all over again wondering if Im normal or not?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Waiting it out.

I slept last night for the first time in 6 days. And I slept decent actually it was nice and much needed. I was sure when I layed my head down last night that it would be a long night as usual. Of course as soon as my head touched the pillow the tears let lose so I figured I was doomed once again.

But I did ok, I cried off and on and I screamed in my head that I wanted Ethan here with me. If he was here I wouldn't be going through all this, or maybe to some extent I would.

I know Iv been struggling the past 6 days and it was so weird how it happened. For the few weeks prior I started feeling the decline but was sure as normal Id bounce back after a few days.

Nope not at all what happened. Instead it was more of a horrible roller coaster ride and I was screaming to be let off. But I couldn't no one would let me. Sure I had people holding my hand telling me it would be ok. But the ride didn't stop.

But just as Id get to the top and feel a little better so to speak it would suddenly change so fast and Id come crashing down even harder. Wednesday was the worst and then saturday night. I'v never felt so out of control in my life and so completely helpless.

I guess now I'll learn if the ride was worth it or not.

There was not a thing that helped and nothing anyone would/could do for me. I couldn't help myself really. I tried I looked at resources online and almost made a phone call to have someone just listen. But I couldn't they didn't know me and I didn't want to divulge any information really.

I just wanted someone to carry my load for a few, or at least help me carry it.

I'm still sorting through the aftermath of all this, and everyone wants answers. And at the same time so do I, there is no explaining this Iv tried even to myself. And there is no figuring it out. I just get more frustrated when I cant answer anyone, and when I feel so completely weak when I have people calling during their busy times to check on me.

I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of what and why my life took this complete turn.

It was a scary journey and I wasnt sure I would be able to make it out of it, and at that point I wasn't sure I wanted to. I was ready to call it quits, my heart was heavy and busting at the seems with pain. It still is but Im learning to let other's help.

I'm trying to hope and have faith that I'm still the same Angela Iv always been. The same caring person that can pick up after total devastation and make something of it. The same person who loves and wants to be loved.

Iv fallen into my own dark abyss, only hoping I find the strength to make it out alive and more complete, from this awful experience.
That I can be totally vulnerable with things I never wanted to do and learn its ok, and Ill make it through.
That my hands and heart will be a little more open.
That my head will be a little more clear.
That my life can truly begin.
That the terrain I find myself on throughout the rest of my life will not stop me in living a complete life, and I will be able to substain who I am, always.
That people will be able to see me for who I am and love me anyways.
That I can come out of this without judgement from anyone, including myself.
That I will not be looked down upon by anyone, even myself.
That I can forgive myself for having to lean on others during this time. And fully surrender all Iv been taught throughout life about dependence and help.
That I can truly begin to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer to my family, friends and myself.
More importantly that I can learn to love me.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Some quotes

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when you wonder why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is tha......t it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive…when it hurts so much you can’t breathe-that’s how you survive." -Grey's Anatomy

"the worst part of grief is you cant control it, the best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can, the worst part is just when you think your past it, it starts all over again and always everytime it takes your breath away"

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Can't breathe

I have to say this week has been one of the lowest of lows by far. I haven't written because I don't think that I can even begin to explain myself really. And I still cant.

All I know is I feel like someone is holding my head underwater and I cant breathe anymore.

I want a break so badly and just when I think Iv got it under control it hits again like a train wreck.

Its more like a roller coaster, I'm slowly climbing my way to the top and just as I start to feel better I come plowing full force down hill.

All I know is when Abby from The Biggest Loser said, "death is a much easier choice".

She was so right on. To live daily is fighting a battle and some days I'm so ready to just drop all my weapons against life, grief, pain and give in.

I keep repeating my counselors words the past 2 days "wait it out". But those words are so hard Iv been waiting a big portion of it out for almost 19 months.

That's a long time to wait it out. Of course this too shall pass I know that, but as its been proven something will just make it harder or make my world crash down again.

I sometimes get frustrated with people saying things like "hang in there", "it will get better".
Because really it's not getting better in fact I feel its getting worse. I feel like I'm waiting for the one thing to break this camels back so to speak.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


why does grief have to torment me this way? I just want to see Ethan so much and I'm so sick of feeling this emptiness that I cannot change.

But I was fine all day and here it is almost 9pm and it starts. I know today its not out of no where at least, having the maternity session for NILMDTS today drug it up but I miss him.

I want to hold him, touch his little nose, feet, hands, lips all of it and kiss that little spot between his nose and eyes. I want it so bad.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Stillbirth The Destroyer of Dreams

I've heard stillbirth being called the Destroyer of Dreams and its that and so much more. Here it is almost 10pm and I cant sleep as usual. My mind is going crazy so here I am.

To me stillbirth is more like, well picture it this way. Your life is a puzzle take the pieces and toss them in the air and put them back together. But one piece is missing. You will never be able to complete the puzzle without that piece. And not only are you missing a piece but you held on so tightly to those pieces that the edges are worn and jagged so putting it back together us impossible because it will never fit the way it was before. Yes that's exactly what stillbirth does.

It robs you of all the dreams you planned the past nine months or longer.

Getting the email or phone call weeks after the funeral from someone who hasn't heard the news, asking how the baby is? or how much longer till the baby is here? is crushing all over again.

The due dates that come and go. The day you had your baby will not be the only anniversary for yrs to come. It will be due dates, the day you found out your baby was dead, the day you delivered, the day you buried your little one, the actual day of the week of the loss or birth,
We vividly hold on to all those things because its all we have. I can tell you that the last time I felt Ethan move was Monday the 11th, I found out on Tuesday the 12th he had died, I had him on wed the 13th and I buried him on Monday the 18th. We don't forget we cant.

It takes the innocence and joy from future pregnancies. Because now you know the sad truth that getting past the first trimester is not the safe zone. The safe zone now is actually holding a baby in your arms.

But even then fear lurks around your every corner. Because stillbirth has implanted this thought into your head that something will rip away your every ounce of happiness.

You come to learn how cruel jokes about death are. Just hearing a joke about death makes you cringe.

You begin to talk about death as a common place thing/event. And it is but society doesn't work that way. But you know somewhere out there death is lurking around the corner. and you want to tell every pregnant woman you see, what to look out for.

You spend your nights trying to figure out a way to change the world, so you never have to hear of another family burying their baby.

Stillbirth robs you of the joy of everyday life. You do find joy again after months of gloom. But its never the same, because you know at any moment just when your feeling a high. That grief will knock you down and some days as hard as the day you found out you lost your little one.

Common place events are no longer common place. It takes strength and energy to face the world, attend a birthday party, see a little one in the grocery store the same age as your little one would have been.

Holidays are so different. Its no longer just Christmas its trying to figure out a way to honor your baby. And then of course the Pampers commercial to silent night comes on and your a emotional mess. The word silent now holds so much more meaning.

You live everyday to its fullest now, but with a heavy and scared heart because tomorrow may never come.

If you have other children you want to put them in a bubble because you know anything can happen at anytime.

You become lonely because people you knew are tip toeing around you, not knowing what to say and afraid if they say something you will cry. Not knowing you want more than anything for them to talk and listen, but at the same time you feel like a burden having to ask for someone to listen to you.

Your emotions will now always be at an all time high. You can be looking for a birthday card and happen to glance at one for a 1st birthday, a sympathy one that's looked like one you received, your child's name written on something. Then all of a sudden your crying.

You have more kleenex in the house than ever before.

If you have other children then having to decided whether or not when a stranger asks how many kids you have, whether or not to acknowledge your angel. Because by not you feel like your dishonoring your baby but by doing it the person will shy away like you have a disease.

Also with other children you now have to explain death in a way no parent should have to. Trying to find all the right ways to tell a young child without scaring them by saying something like "they were sick" or "they were sleeping", or lying.

For me having to prepare new teachers for my sons possible story of his brother if it comes up, and then seeing the look on their faces of either sadness or horror.

You either have friends that become even closer friends or you realize people you once thought of as friends leave and were never really friends at all.

You learn how petty things in life can be and decided to only make time for the important things.

I'm not saying that stillbirth only brings about bad things by any means but it does forever alter your world. But as a parent of a stillborn baby I wish it could be so much different.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight and Abby broke my heart I wanted to reach through the screen and hold her. I cannot imagine losing all she has lost.

I lost my son and I thought my world was going to end. She lost her husband and 2 children and she is here. I cannot even phantom. She is one tough cookie that's for sure.

When they did the weigh in and she said how death wasn't scary to here it was life. It struck a cord I am so with her death doesn't really scare me. Its life after losing my child. Living each day and wondering why? Searching for answers that will never be there.

I am so amazed with this woman because I'm pretty sure if I was without my kids and husband and all alone Id die along with them.

I wanted to so bad with Ethan but it wasn't an option I said for better or worse when I married my husband, and I had two other children at the time to raise and Cherish.

I want to search this woman out and tell her what an amazing person I think she is. I think you gain so many connections when you lose a child its amazing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Finally some light

Its been a rough several days. But today I heard back from my counselor and her email had me bawling a lot of that was plain and simple Im a emotional wreck.

But then she called and I was caught off guard and of course I cried again but all in all I will be going back to counseling. I have to find a way to make it work, its not going to be cake but its totally worth it.

She is my cheerleader for sure along with one other good friend Im so lucky to have and she knows who she is.

I sat and wrote to Ethan its been a while since Iv done that but it was a much needed thing to do.

Im also going to look into the MISS foundation and find a support group for loss to go to. I really have the desire to go now.

So after all these days in the darkness I have some light again.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fighting those emotions

Man when it comes it comes like a title wave pulling me under. I have been weepy and crappy all weekend. I'm ready for the days to be over so that maybe the promise of tomorrow will be brighter.

But well that promise has yet to come.

I did a session for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep today and I did just fine, so I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. But I was able to walk in and out and feel the pain deep down but let it go as soon as I was gone.

I didn't get in the car and cry and when I got home and uploaded my work I could just sit there in complete amazement at the beautiful angels God creates. Yet not knowing the purpose for taking them so soon. This little angel was only 21 wks but so perfectly formed and tiny. A true gift of love and perfection.

Maybe I am just de sensitised from it all now I don't know I feel like a jerk for not breaking down, but Iv always felt that way. Of course if I was that way I would not be able to do what I do.

Now tomorrow marks another chapter in my life. Another shitty goodbye. I know a lot of children don't live close to their parents and are happy about it. I never thought I would care but I do.

My parents say goodbye tomorrow night, as if I don't have enough on my plate I have to handle that too. No more 15 minute car rides for the boys to go see Nana and bapa, no more late night phone calls begging my mom to go to the store with me, no more nothing. I don't have family close anymore and I'm alone.

That word bugs me. I hate being alone for such an extended period of time.

My mom just talking to me had to bring up how much its hurting her and how she will miss us. And to understand when she calls and says she is out doing stuff with my step sister she misses us.

I don't want those phone calls I really don't. I'm holding up till I realize its gone and then the flood gates shall open.

I just wish I could have a good day once this past few days and I know tomorrow will suck too! I'm ready to crawl into bed and its only 4pm. Not me at all I'm a night person but I don't feel like doing a darn thing.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Battling grief today

Iv been waiting because grief sneaks up on me but I think Iv gotten a little better with realizing the signs.

I feel very blah, I have no motivation to do a darn thing, I feel angry and jealous of others. I know the jealously doesn't make sense to some. But to me its so very real.

You see my sister and I were due one day apart and I'm so so glad my nephew is here please don't take it as I'm saying why not her. What I am saying is she is young and doesn't see the gift before her eyes. Does that make her a bad person? Absolutely not she is young and inexperienced but she did go through losing Ethan with me. And I guess I thought through losing her nephew she would realize the value of life, but it doesnt appear to be the case.

We were closer than we have ever been throughout our life. See being 8 yrs apart we never shared a thing in common, that is until she got pregnant and I think the fact we were due a day apart played a huge role in the bond we made.

We did everything together, shopping, eating, talking on the phone and I even hired her to work for me. Then when I lost Ethan nothing changed, I didn't get that jealousy at all. I didn't get mad she was still pregnant, in fact I was there in the birthing room watching my little sister give birth and become one of life's greatest things A Mother.

I cried tears of joy, and a huge overwhelming sense of sadness came over me because Ethan was born silent on 2/13/08 and my nephew was born on 3/11/08 so not even a month after Ethan was born I witnessed a baby come into this world crying. It was joyful and yet a punch in the stomach. I cant even describe why.

But my sister is more into her life than being a mom I think its necessary for a little one. I'm not saying she is a bad mom really just not into being a mom. Its hard I don't wish this pain on anyone at all but to see people have something I wanted so bad right in front of them and not see it, hurts like hell.

So that's where the jealously comes in. I want that what they have. I have Corbin here, but Corbin is Corbin not Ethan and he will never be Ethan I don't want him to be. I love Corbin with everything inside of me.

But to see a little one Ethan's age rips out my heart. I have a friend who was due not to long after me and she had a little boy too, and named him Ethan. Sure they had the name picked up before I lost Ethan. And after we lost Ethan she wrote and asked if she could still use the name.

I couldn't say no how rude would that be. I know its not authentic not to say what I want and need, but in that time I didn't know how to say, "I know your doing in a tribute but right now I'm not in that place". But I get jealous when I hear the name Ethan. I get jealous that they can say their sons names and I speak my Ethan's to the Heavens. I cant even look at her sons pictures, she will post them on face book or something, and when I see his name I feel very overwhelmed and sad.

Sad she gets all of that and I don't. I don't want to come across as a bitch I'm not, and normally in life I'm not a jealous person at all. I just miss my Ethan and all the things I'm missing out on.

I can see little girls Ethan's age and it doesn't bother me one bit, but a little boy oh my that does something to me.

I guess this is the terrain that we tread on after losing a child. I have my hiking boots on and Iv taken a few breaths but I still cant do it sometimes. In a day or two it will all subside for a little while.

That is until Grief wants to battle again. But grief is a good thing I guess, without grief I wouldn't miss my son, I wouldn't want to change the world. Not that I don't want my son here with me in trade for all of that but it is what it is.

I read once a quote that said something like, we cant change what happened but we can ask ourselves now what? And how are we going to handle it?

Well I want to change the world for Ethan.
I want better prenatal care so this doesn't happen to another single family.
I want women to be in charge of the health so it doesn't take a tragic event like to for people to speak up.
I want people to be informed, stillbirth is still so taboo but yet it happens much more frequently than SIDS. I don't get it. Sweeping it under the rug will not change it.

Here are the facts
*Worldwide there are 4 million stillbirths every year.
*1 in every 115 deliveries ends in stillbirth.
*Stillbirths are as random as raindrops
here is a site with more info

Its so shocking to see that on paper and know that when your pregnant no one warns you against things to look out for. No one wants to scare you, but really I think if you ask any mother who has lost a baby, they would rather be scared than never know.
But sadly I did know I watched it happen to a good friend of mine the yr prior and I did all I thought I could to prevent it and it still happened. But I was no medical doctor either.

You can have a healthy baby after a stillbirth I had my next child just days shy of Ethans one yr Birthday, thanks to my wonderful OB who let me steer the wheel in my care and she did all she possibly could to prevent it from happening again. She was the same OB I had with Ethan, so I trust her with my whole heart.

Thats what makes me sad is with education/more medical observation Ethan could have been here with us.

I didnt mean for this to turn into a medical lecture at all.

I just so upset that things are as they are and I cant do a thing to change it.

My hopes was letting grief take its course tonight that I would feel a little better, here's to tomorrow!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Old wonderful writing

Iv posted this before but I love it and I know Iv let other grieving moms know about my little place here so Im going to post it again just in case.

"Whats Normal" Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal

My Mourning Booth

After watching that video I figured its been awhile since Iv written, so here I am.

Iv been doing pretty well I'm surprised to say the least. I figured since my counselor has been gone that Id have a tough time knowing I have no one now, Guy just doesn't like to talk about things the way I do so I hate to bog him down with it all. But well Iv surprised myself, I'm happy I can do well without anyone.

Although I feel some rough emotions going on I do need to sit in the mourning booth. I haven't thought about stuff actually Iv been avoiding it and stuffing some of my emotions. I have not picked up my workbook in over 2 weeks. I just haven't wanted to deal with that type of thing.

I'm not sure where I stand really either maybe I don't need to work on that stuff and Ill be ok in life. Who really wants to deal and bring up such emotion with tough stuff. I sure don't like it.

But I did have a tough time the first week, but here I stand so that's a good thing. Time is a testament to my strength I think.

Iv been focusing on me this week and I feel guilty but I needed it. Iv been losing weight and I'm becoming healthier which is great.

I sat two nights ago and sifted through Ethan's box of stuff. All things we have put on his grave over the past yr, pictures, baby shower cards of people anxiously awaiting his arrival and then condolence cards, for one of the greatest losses. And I managed to do it without a tear. I'm able to celebrate his life and yet miss him so incredibly much it hurts.

I cannot even begin to sit and sift through where my life has taken me in the past 19 months. I cannot believe how one day my world came crashing down harder than I ever imagined possible and 19 months later I stand here stronger and more proud of myself, my children, my husband, my life and my friends than I ever have before in life. I cannot believe that my son has rearranged my life in the best way possible.

I would never have met the most amazing women on this earth without him. I cannot believe how many Childless mothers Iv come across and a lot of them Iv been able to help and strengthen, and listen to. How Ethan has taught people the amazing gift of love and family, and to never take a single day for granted.

How because of him Iv met my counselor who helped pull my life out of the shadows of death and focus on life and love. I truly owe her my life I don't know where I would be had I not met her or possibly any counselor at that point in my life. But it was her. She is the cheerleader in my life.

I'm scared to think what would have happened had I not walked in that door and said I needed help. Oh my god was that the hardest thing Iv done since losing Ethan.

I was on a rough rough scary road. I don't think Iv ever been more depressed in my life and had I not found help I may not be here.

I cannot believe that nineteen months ago I wanted to die along with my son and never face the world. I cannot believe when I thought life could not possibly go on without one of my children that I stand here more humble and stronger than ever, through tragedy.

Its amazing where the journey in the loss of a child will take you. I never once imagined it would take me here that's for sure.

I know I'm all over the place but I think I'm graciously looking at life as a whole and I'm so surprised that I'm here and I'm strong despite feeling weak.

I came across this quote on another blog and love it
"Life is definitely a journey that sometimes takes us down a path we weren't prepared for, but all we can do in those situations is take a few seconds to breathe, put on our hiking boots and get prepared to for some of the toughest terrain out there."

Seasons of Pain

I came across this video on a friends facebook and I really like it so I thought Id share since this is a blog on grief and mourning this is perfect
Mourning Booth

There is a season in everyones life of walking through the valley. Even though it is in our nature as human beings to want to fix things, sometimes all that is needed is our presence.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Home sweet home

We are back from our camping trip and now I feel slightly refreshed. Well I did anyways.

I picked up our youngest and the smile on his face when I saw him melted my heart. I missed him so much but it was such a nice refresher.

I realized while we are gone all that Ethan would be doing this weekend on his first camping trip. My best friends little girl was there and she was born in April of last yr we were due a month apart.

She was playing in the dirt and making a huge mess, but such a tom boy. Her spirit made me realize Ethan is all around me. I love him so much and my saddness is turning into a little bit of hope for the future.

Then I checked my email and I got a email from my counselor. She wants to at least meet up once before we say enough and say goodbye and process it all.

I want that to but I dont want to be such a mess and going back makes it so much harder to say goodbye or even say ok Im done. I could stay there forever its a safe place where I can be me. I can use her whole box of kleenex and its ok. Heck that box has my name on it. I think I cry more than the normal human.

Im just so tired of my life being so emotional. Really Im beginning to think I have no friends for a reason. Ok I will take that back because I know Im a good friend. But Im tired of all this. I dont get why life has to be so complicated. I ready for a little break at least.

The mountains were beautiful and amazing and I got to spend some time with a good friend, and my best friend and her 3 girls and my family for one last small vacation lol. It was nice and surreal how life is going to keep going on after this weekend.

I love you all thank you for a good weekend despite the cold and the smores rocked, now lets hope I didnt gain all that weight back

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Ok so the day is done and I can actually sit back and reflect on today and all that seems to be going on in my life.

Im a little sad my mom will be moving although we have not had the best relationship things have been better the past yr. And now Im even more alone than Iv ever been in my life. Sure there is a phone call that can be made daily, we do that now. But really I cant just call her up to hang out or come over or even go to the store with me. I literally have no one but my husband, and I love him dearly dont get me wrong he is my best friend.

But sometimes a girl just wants to be with another female. And other than him I have one other really good friend and she is busy with 3 kids too and lives a good distance away. We text all the time but Im hoping we can talk on the phone more often than texting. I guess I dont feel sorry for myself I just think Im rather pathetic. Iv been so wrapped up in making sure I create a great life for my children and then dealing with life's greatest loss, that I really have no one.

Im not even sure how someone goes about making new friends. That makes me feel even worse. I have a few numbers from a few couples we met at a couples workshop, but ahh picking up the phone and calling is pretty scary. Im going to look like the crazy girl with no friends. Ok all joking aside its true.

The past 4 months Iv been able to find me again and I missed her a lot, I dont know if that will make sense to a soul but me but its true.

Now as far as counseling Im still pretty bummed about it Iv wanted to pick up my workbook all day but figure why should I? Maybe doing this alone will make things tougher than I want or even need right now. And I know if I pick it up Ill just plow through it. I already did one of the chapters last night.

Im sad I never got to hug her and say thank you in person and even a goodbye. Im not a shy person when it comes to those things I hate doing it in email. Id much rather be able to feel like i have closure and I dont have that. Such is life though.

But talking about counseling brings up something else. Talking to a friend today when she said she understood how hard this is but that your not suppose to get attached. She was right Im seriously pathetic. I don't know how people interact with people daily and make a connection and not get attached. Its not the seeing her weekly but the never seeing her again, that's hard. She made me laugh, cry, bring out the real me, and even explore the real me and learn things I never knew or thought possible.

Your just suppose to walk away and write it off to an experience I guess. And yet I am not that way at all. I don't write people off usually at all, unless given a very good reason and even then Iv been such a sucker in life until recently. I have not been able to do that.

Now looking back on my writing earlier it makes me feel like a fool. And yes this is the Angela that is possibly being hard on herself. But I don't think so this time. I mean really who gets attached to their counselor? Most people hate counselor or at least people I know.

Im so glad I met her but really maybe I should have seen a male to begin with. That way I would have never made a connection and saying thank you and goodbye would have been cake. This on the other hand is hell.

We are going camping this weekend and Im looking forward to it but not at the same time. Im leaving my little one behind and if you know me, my other two didn't stay overnight even with family until they were 2. He is 6 months I win the bad mommy of the yr award. Im going to miss him like crazy and the mommy guilt is already setting in. Ill be a wreck tomorrow dropping him off.

But it will be nice to have some out door time and be able to just sit, think and reflect on life. And the camera is coming too of course. I need inspiration.

I guess Ill call it a night

Letting Go

This week has been a rough week, but not a bad week by any means. I had grief counseling Tuesday and we worked on rough stuff. I'm glad I did though it needs to be done.

My counselor will be leaving for a few weeks at first I was nervous Iv seen her once a week for 4 months now and I know its not a long time but Iv shared more of my life with her than I have with anyone over years and years. I feel like she is my best friend or the big sister I never had. But then I came to terms with it and realized after seconds that it really was ok I was just having a panic moment.

Then my parents decided they are moving to Nebraska and well even though life with family has never been perfect its still my family and we have all lived not more than 20 minutes away in my entire life. And now hours away. Which is fine I think I will be ok with it after the shock settles in next week when they leave.

But my mom and step dad moving presented new challenges as they watched my kids during my weekly counseling visits. And now I have no one, I tired and Guys work schedule really sucks and is not flexible.

So it is what it is and Iv decided since I wont see her for a few weeks anyways, its time to just come to terms with it all anyways. I cant do anything until Oct if not later because I have no one near by that I trust with my kids. So I guess its another thing in life that we just deal with.

But this is the hard part for me, it feels like another loss really and I know its crazy. But here I found an amazing person I can tell the inner most me to and now I wont have that.
I am left alone once again, but it really is the way my life works. I can go back at some point I'm sure but I just feel like I'm putting myself through torture of saying goodbye and then going back to saying goodbye again. I hate goodbye. Thank God I didn't know my life was going to take this turn on tuesday because I would have been a mess.

Iv had tons of people and great ones too come in and out of my life, leaving their footprints on my heart.

I guess it just sucks because I'm tired of being left with that. I'm sick of saying goodbye to people who fill a special place in my heart. And I know I'm so good at thinking the worst and allowing it to bring me down so much.

But Ethan has taught me about the importance of people and life and to treasure it because tomorrow it could be gone.

I HATE that about life, I wish there was a guarantee. Stupid I know. I just had to say goodbye to so much in life in general and I don't want to have to anymore.

I know it will take a few weeks of tears and tissues but Ill be ok. This is the way life works it sucks, but hopefully I will be able to meet amazing people I can connect with other than over the Internet.

So Rae,
Thank you so much for all you have done for me, shared with me, allowed me to share with you and the tears. I think Iv been to hell and back with you so to speak. Thank you for picking me up when I fell or at least helped me up. You helped me step outside of my confort zone and learn to be totally vunerable and that it was ok. Now I love yoga and pilates who knew.
I can never even begin to tell you what you mean to me and how much of an impact you have made on my life. If I can be even half the counselor you are then I will have achieved something great. Ill never forget you.

Ok and now I'm really going to put myself out there and Iv never done this. I scared and I feel sick but I will do it because this isn't as bad as the whole story, in which I will not put out there on the Internet.

But at 10 yrs old my stepfather started to molest me and it lasted for a few years. After losing Ethan and coming to the term loss in my life, and through talking with my counselor I realized the man I thought I should forgive I couldn't possibly do so. So now my life has this tangled web of stuff surrounding the incest that I'm facing and dealing it. Most of the time I'm ok and I can do it just fine, others I realize just how much pain this man has caused me and how much of my life he has stolen.

So we had started working on that in counseling and I'm glad I did now I will take this journey some what alone, which is ok I'm doing a workbook book that I like and I will just keep plugging away at that. Its a good book if your ever interested in the title just ask.

But the hard part comes is I was asked if Id attend a support group and I feel so sick to my stomach even thinking about it and I just cant do it. Id love to but this is one thing I don't think I can nor do I want to do alone.

Most people that know me know Iv delt with most stuff in life alone. Ethan's death for the first year I was able to do alone. But the levels the two fall on are so unique and different its complicated.

I don't want to sit in a room and feel sorry for myself, I don't want other people asking me questions and having to say I cant do it yet. I don't want to have other people sit and tell me its ok when its not ok right now. I don't want people to tell their story when I cant even tell mine.
I don't want to sit and feel so alone in a group of people with such emotion. I don't want to deal with the pain that will be brought up in these meetings alone, even if I had counseling I don't want to sit with it until the next meeting. I know I'm being a pain but I just don't want to take that part of the journey alone, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I do however want to be emotionally free from all of this I want to gain better control of my life and take it back from him. So Id love to meet someone and chat and share our story's and maybe go to a group with someone. Someday right?

Now on to something else I'm so passionate about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I'm so very happy and lucky to be able to be a part of this amazing organization. I realized on the 23rd of this month Iv been doing sessions for 2 months for them. And yesterday I did two sessions both equally heartbreaking but one I was able to share Ethan with just a little. That's a part I love so much I can give so much purpose to Ethan's life by doing this for other parents.

This is something I will continue to absorb myself into.

So if your a parent Iv done pictures for thank you so much for allowing me into your life at such an emotional time I'm so glad you invited me in. Your angels will always hold a spot in my heart. If your reading this and ever want to chat Ill sit and listen all day about your Angel Id love to.

Also I'm looking to a child loss support group here in Co, so if anyone here goes to one and wants to share the info maybe we could go together.

I think I have a huge heart. I hold a ton of room for a ton of special people.

Here's to Letting go and to what tomorrow will bring!

Monday, August 10, 2009


I'm following Angie's blog and it linked to another blog. They are talking about what encourages you and I decided Id go for it and write about what encourages me.

I think in the past 18 months my life has been tossed around so much and yet Iv learned so much through tragedy.

I'm not sure I ever thought it would be possible for life to continue after learning we lost our son. On February 12th, 2008, I thought life as I knew it had ended and I refused for life to go on.

Silly I know it had to right? Well it didn't other than walking through the days. I didn't live and I didn't care.

In March of this year I met an amazing person who I will call my Earthly Angel, who has helped me live again. And learn to live fully. After losing my son I never thought I could be happy again, and I didn't want to at that. All I could think of was how on earth can I live without him? If I go on with life then it means I'v forgotten him.

The most profound moment in my life since losing Ethan was her tears, one of the first times I sat and talked to her, it was the hug Iv been waiting for since I lost Ethan. Her continued tears helps me live and know I'm not as alone as Iv felt all these years.

I have been told losing Ethan was for a purpose and hearing that simply made me mad. But now I realize all that my son has given me by his short and brief life, in which only I truly knew him. Sure my husband loved and cared for him but only I got to bond with him, the rest of the world had to say hello and goodbye with nothing more.

I got to remember the kicks, the hiccups and the beat of his heart next to mine.

After our next child was born and the baptism drew near, I found myself frantic. I didn't know how I was going to get through this. I was still mad and hurt that my son was taken from me and I somehow had to put my faith into God again, which I didn't think was possible. I couldn't just not baptise him all of the other boys even Ethan were baptised.

Until this point I couldn't do it I had been so angry at God for this. I didn't understand, and I don't think I wanted to.

When we talked of Corbin's up coming baptism I decided it was time to let go of the anger and hurt and trust in the Lord that everything is for a reason and maybe it wasn't his reason and maybe he had nothing to do with it. I decided to help let him steer the wheel in my life.

I decided to for the first time in my life dedicate my life to our Lord, and I was baptised with my son. And what a magical experience that was. Here I was 27 years old and finally doing it. I had waited all my life for this and because of Ethan I finally did it. I'm sure without him I never would have been baptised. I was too embarrassed that my parent's didn't baptise me when I was younger.

Because of all this my life has been transformed. I am no longer this angry, hurt person. Sure pain is still there, the longing for my son will never go away until I can hold him again.

But I'm a survivor.. in more ways than one. Iv lived through abuse physical, emotional and sexual. Iv lived through years of pain and then the ultimate losing my son.

And here at 28 years old I'm actually living life to its fullest. Because of Ethan, because of my Earthly Angel, because of my passion to make a difference in the lives of others if only for today.

Because of Ethan the meaning of life has been transformed from the old meaning. Which was to get married, have kids, live life and be happy. Now I want my children to learn all about life and be able to give back as well. Its the most selfless, thing out there.

I'm following one of my dreams that I never thought possible.

I'm a professional photographer since June of this year. Its going amazing and Iv learned so much from myself and what I'm capable of. And that's a lot. Self doubt has always held me back.

I'm an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, I never in a million years thought I would be able to give back to the world in such a way. I never thought I'd be able to face such pain and tragedy in the face as I am now.

Now I can give Ethan's life some purpose. I know I wouldn't be doing this had God not given me the opportunity to meet Ethan.
The calls are never easy and the pain I see in the parents face is sometimes enough to bring me to my knees. But I know that today might be my last, and why not make it count.

I'm learning to love and let go. My heart is more open that its ever been and I like to consider myself a pretty loving, caring person. But now it' so much different. I can love without expecting anything back.

I really...really love my children here on earth, without a doubt I treasure them every single second that I'v been given with them.

I can help other people who are walking down this very lonely path in life.

Im learning Im worth it.

Hearing, reading & seeing other people do amazing things encourages me.

There is no one simple thing other than life, and other people making a profound difference in lives of others. That's what moves/encourages me.

To know I only really am guaranteed this moment in life and I can change the world if I allow myself to. That's what really encourages me.

None of this may have made sense to anyone but me but I hope it has. I don't think I can possibly come up with a single thing to describe what encourages me.