Sunday, August 30, 2009

Home sweet home

We are back from our camping trip and now I feel slightly refreshed. Well I did anyways.

I picked up our youngest and the smile on his face when I saw him melted my heart. I missed him so much but it was such a nice refresher.

I realized while we are gone all that Ethan would be doing this weekend on his first camping trip. My best friends little girl was there and she was born in April of last yr we were due a month apart.

She was playing in the dirt and making a huge mess, but such a tom boy. Her spirit made me realize Ethan is all around me. I love him so much and my saddness is turning into a little bit of hope for the future.

Then I checked my email and I got a email from my counselor. She wants to at least meet up once before we say enough and say goodbye and process it all.

I want that to but I dont want to be such a mess and going back makes it so much harder to say goodbye or even say ok Im done. I could stay there forever its a safe place where I can be me. I can use her whole box of kleenex and its ok. Heck that box has my name on it. I think I cry more than the normal human.

Im just so tired of my life being so emotional. Really Im beginning to think I have no friends for a reason. Ok I will take that back because I know Im a good friend. But Im tired of all this. I dont get why life has to be so complicated. I ready for a little break at least.

The mountains were beautiful and amazing and I got to spend some time with a good friend, and my best friend and her 3 girls and my family for one last small vacation lol. It was nice and surreal how life is going to keep going on after this weekend.

I love you all thank you for a good weekend despite the cold and the smores rocked, now lets hope I didnt gain all that weight back

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Ok so the day is done and I can actually sit back and reflect on today and all that seems to be going on in my life.

Im a little sad my mom will be moving although we have not had the best relationship things have been better the past yr. And now Im even more alone than Iv ever been in my life. Sure there is a phone call that can be made daily, we do that now. But really I cant just call her up to hang out or come over or even go to the store with me. I literally have no one but my husband, and I love him dearly dont get me wrong he is my best friend.

But sometimes a girl just wants to be with another female. And other than him I have one other really good friend and she is busy with 3 kids too and lives a good distance away. We text all the time but Im hoping we can talk on the phone more often than texting. I guess I dont feel sorry for myself I just think Im rather pathetic. Iv been so wrapped up in making sure I create a great life for my children and then dealing with life's greatest loss, that I really have no one.

Im not even sure how someone goes about making new friends. That makes me feel even worse. I have a few numbers from a few couples we met at a couples workshop, but ahh picking up the phone and calling is pretty scary. Im going to look like the crazy girl with no friends. Ok all joking aside its true.

The past 4 months Iv been able to find me again and I missed her a lot, I dont know if that will make sense to a soul but me but its true.

Now as far as counseling Im still pretty bummed about it Iv wanted to pick up my workbook all day but figure why should I? Maybe doing this alone will make things tougher than I want or even need right now. And I know if I pick it up Ill just plow through it. I already did one of the chapters last night.

Im sad I never got to hug her and say thank you in person and even a goodbye. Im not a shy person when it comes to those things I hate doing it in email. Id much rather be able to feel like i have closure and I dont have that. Such is life though.

But talking about counseling brings up something else. Talking to a friend today when she said she understood how hard this is but that your not suppose to get attached. She was right Im seriously pathetic. I don't know how people interact with people daily and make a connection and not get attached. Its not the seeing her weekly but the never seeing her again, that's hard. She made me laugh, cry, bring out the real me, and even explore the real me and learn things I never knew or thought possible.

Your just suppose to walk away and write it off to an experience I guess. And yet I am not that way at all. I don't write people off usually at all, unless given a very good reason and even then Iv been such a sucker in life until recently. I have not been able to do that.

Now looking back on my writing earlier it makes me feel like a fool. And yes this is the Angela that is possibly being hard on herself. But I don't think so this time. I mean really who gets attached to their counselor? Most people hate counselor or at least people I know.

Im so glad I met her but really maybe I should have seen a male to begin with. That way I would have never made a connection and saying thank you and goodbye would have been cake. This on the other hand is hell.

We are going camping this weekend and Im looking forward to it but not at the same time. Im leaving my little one behind and if you know me, my other two didn't stay overnight even with family until they were 2. He is 6 months I win the bad mommy of the yr award. Im going to miss him like crazy and the mommy guilt is already setting in. Ill be a wreck tomorrow dropping him off.

But it will be nice to have some out door time and be able to just sit, think and reflect on life. And the camera is coming too of course. I need inspiration.

I guess Ill call it a night

Letting Go

This week has been a rough week, but not a bad week by any means. I had grief counseling Tuesday and we worked on rough stuff. I'm glad I did though it needs to be done.

My counselor will be leaving for a few weeks at first I was nervous Iv seen her once a week for 4 months now and I know its not a long time but Iv shared more of my life with her than I have with anyone over years and years. I feel like she is my best friend or the big sister I never had. But then I came to terms with it and realized after seconds that it really was ok I was just having a panic moment.

Then my parents decided they are moving to Nebraska and well even though life with family has never been perfect its still my family and we have all lived not more than 20 minutes away in my entire life. And now hours away. Which is fine I think I will be ok with it after the shock settles in next week when they leave.

But my mom and step dad moving presented new challenges as they watched my kids during my weekly counseling visits. And now I have no one, I tired and Guys work schedule really sucks and is not flexible.

So it is what it is and Iv decided since I wont see her for a few weeks anyways, its time to just come to terms with it all anyways. I cant do anything until Oct if not later because I have no one near by that I trust with my kids. So I guess its another thing in life that we just deal with.

But this is the hard part for me, it feels like another loss really and I know its crazy. But here I found an amazing person I can tell the inner most me to and now I wont have that.
I am left alone once again, but it really is the way my life works. I can go back at some point I'm sure but I just feel like I'm putting myself through torture of saying goodbye and then going back to saying goodbye again. I hate goodbye. Thank God I didn't know my life was going to take this turn on tuesday because I would have been a mess.

Iv had tons of people and great ones too come in and out of my life, leaving their footprints on my heart.

I guess it just sucks because I'm tired of being left with that. I'm sick of saying goodbye to people who fill a special place in my heart. And I know I'm so good at thinking the worst and allowing it to bring me down so much.

But Ethan has taught me about the importance of people and life and to treasure it because tomorrow it could be gone.

I HATE that about life, I wish there was a guarantee. Stupid I know. I just had to say goodbye to so much in life in general and I don't want to have to anymore.

I know it will take a few weeks of tears and tissues but Ill be ok. This is the way life works it sucks, but hopefully I will be able to meet amazing people I can connect with other than over the Internet.

So Rae,
Thank you so much for all you have done for me, shared with me, allowed me to share with you and the tears. I think Iv been to hell and back with you so to speak. Thank you for picking me up when I fell or at least helped me up. You helped me step outside of my confort zone and learn to be totally vunerable and that it was ok. Now I love yoga and pilates who knew.
I can never even begin to tell you what you mean to me and how much of an impact you have made on my life. If I can be even half the counselor you are then I will have achieved something great. Ill never forget you.

Ok and now I'm really going to put myself out there and Iv never done this. I scared and I feel sick but I will do it because this isn't as bad as the whole story, in which I will not put out there on the Internet.

But at 10 yrs old my stepfather started to molest me and it lasted for a few years. After losing Ethan and coming to the term loss in my life, and through talking with my counselor I realized the man I thought I should forgive I couldn't possibly do so. So now my life has this tangled web of stuff surrounding the incest that I'm facing and dealing it. Most of the time I'm ok and I can do it just fine, others I realize just how much pain this man has caused me and how much of my life he has stolen.

So we had started working on that in counseling and I'm glad I did now I will take this journey some what alone, which is ok I'm doing a workbook book that I like and I will just keep plugging away at that. Its a good book if your ever interested in the title just ask.

But the hard part comes is I was asked if Id attend a support group and I feel so sick to my stomach even thinking about it and I just cant do it. Id love to but this is one thing I don't think I can nor do I want to do alone.

Most people that know me know Iv delt with most stuff in life alone. Ethan's death for the first year I was able to do alone. But the levels the two fall on are so unique and different its complicated.

I don't want to sit in a room and feel sorry for myself, I don't want other people asking me questions and having to say I cant do it yet. I don't want to have other people sit and tell me its ok when its not ok right now. I don't want people to tell their story when I cant even tell mine.
I don't want to sit and feel so alone in a group of people with such emotion. I don't want to deal with the pain that will be brought up in these meetings alone, even if I had counseling I don't want to sit with it until the next meeting. I know I'm being a pain but I just don't want to take that part of the journey alone, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I do however want to be emotionally free from all of this I want to gain better control of my life and take it back from him. So Id love to meet someone and chat and share our story's and maybe go to a group with someone. Someday right?

Now on to something else I'm so passionate about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I'm so very happy and lucky to be able to be a part of this amazing organization. I realized on the 23rd of this month Iv been doing sessions for 2 months for them. And yesterday I did two sessions both equally heartbreaking but one I was able to share Ethan with just a little. That's a part I love so much I can give so much purpose to Ethan's life by doing this for other parents.

This is something I will continue to absorb myself into.

So if your a parent Iv done pictures for thank you so much for allowing me into your life at such an emotional time I'm so glad you invited me in. Your angels will always hold a spot in my heart. If your reading this and ever want to chat Ill sit and listen all day about your Angel Id love to.

Also I'm looking to a child loss support group here in Co, so if anyone here goes to one and wants to share the info maybe we could go together.

I think I have a huge heart. I hold a ton of room for a ton of special people.

Here's to Letting go and to what tomorrow will bring!

Monday, August 10, 2009


I'm following Angie's blog and it linked to another blog. They are talking about what encourages you and I decided Id go for it and write about what encourages me.

I think in the past 18 months my life has been tossed around so much and yet Iv learned so much through tragedy.

I'm not sure I ever thought it would be possible for life to continue after learning we lost our son. On February 12th, 2008, I thought life as I knew it had ended and I refused for life to go on.

Silly I know it had to right? Well it didn't other than walking through the days. I didn't live and I didn't care.

In March of this year I met an amazing person who I will call my Earthly Angel, who has helped me live again. And learn to live fully. After losing my son I never thought I could be happy again, and I didn't want to at that. All I could think of was how on earth can I live without him? If I go on with life then it means I'v forgotten him.

The most profound moment in my life since losing Ethan was her tears, one of the first times I sat and talked to her, it was the hug Iv been waiting for since I lost Ethan. Her continued tears helps me live and know I'm not as alone as Iv felt all these years.

I have been told losing Ethan was for a purpose and hearing that simply made me mad. But now I realize all that my son has given me by his short and brief life, in which only I truly knew him. Sure my husband loved and cared for him but only I got to bond with him, the rest of the world had to say hello and goodbye with nothing more.

I got to remember the kicks, the hiccups and the beat of his heart next to mine.

After our next child was born and the baptism drew near, I found myself frantic. I didn't know how I was going to get through this. I was still mad and hurt that my son was taken from me and I somehow had to put my faith into God again, which I didn't think was possible. I couldn't just not baptise him all of the other boys even Ethan were baptised.

Until this point I couldn't do it I had been so angry at God for this. I didn't understand, and I don't think I wanted to.

When we talked of Corbin's up coming baptism I decided it was time to let go of the anger and hurt and trust in the Lord that everything is for a reason and maybe it wasn't his reason and maybe he had nothing to do with it. I decided to help let him steer the wheel in my life.

I decided to for the first time in my life dedicate my life to our Lord, and I was baptised with my son. And what a magical experience that was. Here I was 27 years old and finally doing it. I had waited all my life for this and because of Ethan I finally did it. I'm sure without him I never would have been baptised. I was too embarrassed that my parent's didn't baptise me when I was younger.

Because of all this my life has been transformed. I am no longer this angry, hurt person. Sure pain is still there, the longing for my son will never go away until I can hold him again.

But I'm a survivor.. in more ways than one. Iv lived through abuse physical, emotional and sexual. Iv lived through years of pain and then the ultimate losing my son.

And here at 28 years old I'm actually living life to its fullest. Because of Ethan, because of my Earthly Angel, because of my passion to make a difference in the lives of others if only for today.

Because of Ethan the meaning of life has been transformed from the old meaning. Which was to get married, have kids, live life and be happy. Now I want my children to learn all about life and be able to give back as well. Its the most selfless, thing out there.

I'm following one of my dreams that I never thought possible.

I'm a professional photographer since June of this year. Its going amazing and Iv learned so much from myself and what I'm capable of. And that's a lot. Self doubt has always held me back.

I'm an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, I never in a million years thought I would be able to give back to the world in such a way. I never thought I'd be able to face such pain and tragedy in the face as I am now.

Now I can give Ethan's life some purpose. I know I wouldn't be doing this had God not given me the opportunity to meet Ethan.
The calls are never easy and the pain I see in the parents face is sometimes enough to bring me to my knees. But I know that today might be my last, and why not make it count.

I'm learning to love and let go. My heart is more open that its ever been and I like to consider myself a pretty loving, caring person. But now it' so much different. I can love without expecting anything back.

I really...really love my children here on earth, without a doubt I treasure them every single second that I'v been given with them.

I can help other people who are walking down this very lonely path in life.

Im learning Im worth it.

Hearing, reading & seeing other people do amazing things encourages me.

There is no one simple thing other than life, and other people making a profound difference in lives of others. That's what moves/encourages me.

To know I only really am guaranteed this moment in life and I can change the world if I allow myself to. That's what really encourages me.

None of this may have made sense to anyone but me but I hope it has. I don't think I can possibly come up with a single thing to describe what encourages me.