Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life without him

Today I'm a mess
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow
But today I'm a mess I miss him.

Oh the rollercoaster we must ride the rest of our lives when we lose a baby who was never given a chance, but yet our hearts held so many dreams and future plans for them and us.

I have been doing very well knowing the purpose in Ethan's life. He made me a better me. More compassionate than ever, more willing which I didn't know was possible to step out on a limb for another human being. Wanting more than anything to live my life giving back. Not only did we find his purpose by him leaving us way too soon, but I found my purpose in life.

But still it HURTS.

I have sat most of the morning just wanting to sob and it came and won't let up.

I know life without him will forever be this way, most days up now but days like today catch me off guard and knock me over. I miss him I don't like life without him.

It's been a rocky yet amazing 2.5 yrs but today I am sad that i don't get to watch him stomp his feet demanding something, or that I will never get to hear mommy I love you. I want to see him and what he looks like.

In two and a half years memories are fading and I don't remember what it felt like to hold him, caress his skin, his smell, how it felt to kiss his sweet pure face.

I hate knowing this is just one of those days I kinda get to do this grieving part alone, and it will just have to pass. I cannot make it go away I just need to ride it out. Knowing tomorrow is a new day and that I will still miss him but it won't feel so bad.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

So much thinking

I think I am on total brain overload. For a few weeks I keep thinking about what to write but then I just can't write it out for one reason or another. I'm afraid others will be offended by what I say, what if I say it wrong? I shouldn't be because it's hardly the case usually.

I keep thinking we haven't done a single family picture since Corbin was born and actualyl the last one we did was over 2 years ago. I think I realized why I hate doing them. Ethan cannot be in the pictures too and it feels like he is excluded I hate it. But my goal is to do it the boys all deserve to have those memories to look back on.

Then this pregnancy is going well but I often find myself sturggling to breathe so to speak. One minute I find brief happiness to the next total panic that something is wrong. One morning I realized I hadn't felt this little guy more all morning and I felt the complete anguish from the day we lost Ethan set in. I was almost in tears I was so afraid.

Then I have to tell myself to let go and know those moments not days but moments are all I can have for now.

I had my ob appt a week ago and I just bawled. Thank God my ob is as great as she is she just sits and hugs me and gets it. I just told her how afraid I am and that I am really struggling with bonding with this baby the way I normally would.

I love him of course and I cant wait until he is here but then painc sets in and I am afraid to get close because I don't want to hurt again by him being taken too soon from us.

I am almost 25 weeks and I havent done a single thing really to prepare. Which is fine in the fact I have tons of time still. But the reason I can't is fear.

I dread setting up the nursery and I don't want to have to take it all down if something happens. But it more of this jinxing feeling I have. I am afraid that if I set the room up, hang clothes, buy something that like that he will be taken from us.

I feel sad and angry that I am robbed of a semi normal pregnancy. I want more than anything to be happy, carefree, and joyful but all those what if's just nag the heck out of me.

It hurts to know more than anything I want to love and hope the way I used to. I feel like a horrible mom for admitting that I am having a hard time bonding when I know I want him more than anything, but fear is just in the way. I try my best to push it aside and tell myself there is no guarntee but it will be worth it.

Then I wonder how much more crazy another loss will make me. I don't think I can handle more than losing Ethan and the 4 miscarriage I have had.