Sunday, September 26, 2010

Continued Mothering

Today was I going through some other blogs of parents who have lost children and came across the term "continued parenting", that in which parents of lost children get instead of parenting.

We do not get the reward of a kiss, I love you, mending scrapes and cuts. But rather we get to continue parenting the memory of our child.

I loved the term and I got to thinking about it. Once we lose children we tend to lose ourselves even if just for a few. Trying to find a place in this world where we fit in because now we have no physical reminder to others. We feel abadoned by the world often because we are lost as to what is ok, how much outward grief is ok or is accepted by society.

But we still can very much have a continued parenting to our child however we see fit. Sharing our story, making memories by having our childs name written all over the world, writing a book, dedication in making movement from a taboo society with infant loss to a place where true healing begins with the first step of people accepting it does happen and needs to change, and the attitude of baby loss being not acceptable to talk about. Speechs, seminars, events to remember our angels without shame or guilt.

Some people more so than other's. I think when Stephanie said something along the lines of it's no different than the different parenting styles parents have with living children probably struck me the most. It's absolutely no different. As a society we have so many different roles and ways to parent our children. Whether it be parents who baby wear, let their infants cry it out, breastfed, bottle feed, co-sleep etc. We are parent's of angels have that same right to be accepted on how we continue mothering our babies.

I love to talk about Ethan and sometimes yes I still cry, somedays I am fine around other children his age and other's I cannot even look at pictures of friends kids who would be 2 and a half like Ethan. I hope someday that the world and we ourselves accept this continued mothering/fathering of our angels and that it isn't so taboo anymore. More than anything I hope they find a way to stop stillbirth, infant loss from being so common place yet hidden.

I found myself getting upset hearing commercials the other day on breast cancer and the statics are nothing like baby loss, baby loss is double and yet you don't see commercials on kick counts, or ways to try to prevent or at least educate on the topic. But you see commercials about drugs, not to shake a baby etc. (these are all very important topics I am not saying that at all. I just wish it was just as important to raise awarness about baby loss as well)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Today 9 years later

I have always been sad about 9/11 and it has affected me as well as the rest of the world.

But something has changed in the past 2.5 years. Now I know the feeling of losing a child so the death of all those children no matter the age carries a little bit deeper in my heart.

Something about the anniversary I know parents semi dread. I will not compare their loss with mine at all because its a loss of a child and still as tragic. Whether their child was in the womb, at a daycare that day or a grown adult.

I'm sure hearing the words "I'm sorry we don't see any caradiac activity", and turning on the tv or getting that dreaded phone call, are no less painful.

So now 9/11 will always be a little harder than it was those years before simply because we walk in the same shoes now. Losing a child isn't just losing a child. It's losing dreams, the future.

I was reading someone else's blog talking about the pictures and such. And I agree for me I do have picture's of Ethan but if they are too painful I can chose to put them away. As parents dealing with the loss of a child, I know that for some of us the pictures are too much sometimes and others we need them.

But for these families today doesn't just mark the anniversary but the families of these children have to deal with the fact the tv, news, peoples facebook pages are more than likely covered with pictures bringing back all those painful memories. It may be healing but it may not be. For me on the anniversary I can chose to go and hide from the rest of the world and not worry about someone or everyone bringing up the death of my son.

9/11 is not about a day but the loss, of course all the strength that came from it too, but its about people. The people who lost children, spouses, parents etc.

I will never forget