Thursday, January 13, 2011

It's fast approaching

Wow three years, really has it been that long? I find myself sitting often and repeating this in my head. I cannot believe it's been so long yet honestly it still hurts like it happend yesterday. And by it I mean that I learned my son had died, that I had to got to meet him but turn around and say goodbye.

Grief is like a blanket over your head or make that a pillow. Sometimes its incredibly suffocating and dibaliting.

I know when I lost Ethan I said over and over how I just wanted to die with him, and yet I proved to myself that I was stronger here I am standing almost 3 years later. I did it for my boys all 5 of them. I did it for my husband and I did it for all those other families who will walk this horrible, thing called grief.

I find myself getting sad as I reflect on all those happenings from 3 years ago. How could I not. What I went through was bigger than any challange you take in life, college or the biggest ones marriage and having kids.

Someone described grif as the grief monster and I think I'd have to agree. As a child hiding under your covers because your scared is exactly who grief makes you feel as an adult. You never know when it will come and it will it be tender and nice or suck every ounce of the life you have at that moment out of you.

Three years ago about this time I had my baby shower for Ethan. I had a room full of people excited for his arrival and I sat blissfully ignorant that stillbirth would steal my son.

I am still in shock that this happens. That it happened to me. Because surely when your pregnant you don't plan on a funeral, or to say goodbye.

When my friend Taylor lost her son the year prior to Ethan's death, I sat in the car telling another friend "If that ever happened to me, I don't know what I would do. I think I would kill myself".

Well I didn't and yes I am glad but a piece of my heart will always be with him and a piece of me will always want to be there too! I am a mother his mother and that's what we do.

Somedays I sit and think really did that happen? Did I deliver a dead child? But it feels like a crappy dream I will wake up from, or MAYBE I was never pregnant at all and I am just crazy.

I hope as we blow out the candles this year, and of course our wish will be as it always has "that Ethan knows how much we love him, and someday I pray I get to hold him once more". I have to believe I get that because if not, then I will crumble. I lost track of what I was saying. But I hope that this tradegy will end if just a few lives less. I hope that I become a little stronger.

I hope that I am doing right by my other boys, honoring Ethan and that they never ever feel any less to him. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here. It was their lives that kept me going all those lonely, cold, heart shattering nights.