Monday, February 13, 2012

Happy 4th Birthday Ethan my sweet Little Man

I think I often at this time of year find myself in a little despair, and saying how I cannot believe it's been this long and yet it seems so incredibly long ago.

The waves are less often that's a fact, but the one that came yesterday hit me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I found myself in a pit for awhile, one I wanted out of so desperately but yet couldn't climb.

I went by Ethan's grave in the morning and as my feet hit the crunchy sound of the snow, I felt my heart tremble. I walked along the snowy banks of the graves careful as always not to walk along the graves but above the headstones.

I felt a little bit of panic as I got closer to Ethan's grave. I don't visit often because I have grown from that need to parent his grave. I know he is not there, however I wanted to take his Valentines to him, and originally I wanted to read a quick story to him but it was too cold and I couldn't access his grave very well with all the snow anyways.

As I laid his bear and candies on his headstone I felt the need to bend down and place a kiss from my finger to his headstone as I so often did before. And the wave of grief completely knocked me over. I felt my kness buckle and the warmth of my tears flodd my eyes and roll down my face.

I headed back to the car and had a near mental breakdown. Thankfully God provided me with someone to comfort me and she just held me and prayed with me. But the first fifteen minutes of the car ride from there I felt like I was going to lose it.

A song came on the radio one I often love, where he is telling God he is not strong enough and he had given him more than he can handle. I felt the tears flood me again as I thought, "yes God, why? why me? I just want Ethan back. I know it's selfish but please just for a few moments"

And quickly I felt him remind me he was there and it wasn't too much and I had proven with him I was more than strong enough.

The day went smoothly from there. I came home and prepared for Ethan's party and was very humbled by the love of those around me. The gathering to celebrate Ethan's life was more of a testimate of God's faithfulness than anything. He knew what I needed this year and all those people who love my family and love Ethan even if they didn't know him were there to remember him.

I played his slide show and scanned the room a few times, a dear high school friend had tears filling her eyes, one of my nilmdts families had tears in their eyes. I felt a great sense of love at those moments, and pain again.

As I neared my speech I felt anxiety once again. I had been playing this over in my head over and over and yet, nothing I felt would come out the way my heart felt. My hands trembled and my heart made the words come out.
I can't even tell you what I said honestly, I was so caught in the moment the words just flowed.

But I will tell you that this is what I ment to or wanted to say.

One of my biggest fears in losing Ethan was over time people would move on, the world would go on rightfully so. But I was afraid since Ethan wasn't physically here he would be forgotten. And this year I am absoultely humbled by the love of those around me. Some of you have been by my side as my family, some friends of 19 plus years, some of you mentors, friends, friends who became family, my nildmts family, and flatirons church family. God has been so faithful and it has been one of the hardest trials of my life, but he has always been there. He provided me with each of you as a stepping stone through to the other side. And I am just amazed at all of your love for me and my family and a little boy who touched the world but his feet never touched the ground. I simply love all of you and I thank you.

The balloon release went off well with a few balloons finding their way into the trees again this year. His cake was beautifully done and the butterfly cupcakes complimented it so well.

My home and heart were beautifully crowded with love and God's outpour of love in our lives.

My sweet Ethan,
I miss you more than words will ever express, more than my heart can compherend. And yet, I know you are with our savior and your life there is more amazing than I will ever understand or than I will ever be able to imagine. I will find myself in joy and then in heartbreak until me meet again. Hopefully more joy through the years! Thank you for allowing me to be your mom, and for the wonders my life has embraced by your short life. God has a plan and he is doing so much incredible work in our lives here on earth, somedays it isn't easy, some days dibilitating actually but I am always quickly reminded of his love.

Ethan my sweet angel, give Jesus a kiss on the cheek for me and tell him thank you for all his blessings. Tell Zach mommy said thank you for sharing his mom with me too! I know what a true mother's love is like because of her.

Little Man four years ago I thought my life was over, how little did I know then. It was just beginning. Four years ago all I could see is what I was going to be missing and what I didn't have. Now I see the fruitful blessings because of you. Happy Birthday my sweet baby.

Monday, January 23, 2012

3 years 11 months 11 days

I can't believe it's been that long since I last held you Ethan, since my lips kissed your sweet forehead and kissed the curve of your nose between your eyes.

I miss you so much, I wish there were words to tell you other than I miss you. How much my heart and arms ache to hold you.

It seems so long ago, the nights are easier but lately I find myself struggling to find comfort in Heaven.

When i hold Nan's hand I am reminded of what she was once told. "Just as I am holding your hand now, one day you will hold his".

I can't wait for that day. I know Jesus is holding you and you don't have to deal with the pains of this world and for that I am grateful, but I still long for you.

I am blindsided often lately, by the passing of other little kids your age. And knowing again this year I don't get to buy you something your heart desires. Make your birthday cake, and love on you. Instead I get to send ballons to Heaven for you. Make you a cake you'll never eat.

And just wonder what you look like, what things you like to do, who your favorite friends are. What your personality is like? Sometimes it's just too much.

I just hope you know all you have brought into my life by simply the gift of being able to be your mom, Ethan.

I am so blessed.

Saturday night I sat and held baby Joseph and just stared at him in amazement at this thing called life. And felt so much joy for Julie, myself all of us really.

But I still miss you so much. I feel like I failed you Ethan. And if I could of saved you I would of little man I promise you that.

I would have died for your life.

Three years, 11 months and 11 days ago, I sat in complete and utter nieveness that you would be taken from me. I didn't think it was possible I would lose you, that the warm place that was suppose to protect you, help you thrive would kill you. I had your baby shower, sat in a room full of people so excited for your arrival and your two brothers who couldn't wait for a baby brother.

Who knew my world would be absoltuely turned upside down? I never thought I would have to teach your brothers about death so early. Blake misses you a lot. He always tells me how he wishes you were with us, I remember last year Aiden said he was sad, that we were making you a cake and you couldn't have any. I know they get the unjustice of death. That breaks my heart.

Soon Ethan someone special will be joining Heaven. He is the father of our pastor at church. I hear what a great man he is. Hopefully you will get to be with him.

Ethan, do you know Zach? I hope so. He is my bestfriends son. He died when he was three and a half. I hope you two are running around heaven, chasing the butterflies and living a life we cannot even compherend. Nan is someone pretty special to me Ethan. I cannot even begin to explain her to you. All I know is that, through your loss God has done some amazing things. Things that aren't so easy, that make my knees buckle and me want to quit. And then he brought people into my life whom I cannot now begin to imagine a life without.

At shift on Friday I talked about you. I told them how amazing you are, how amazing our father God is. How as much as I miss you, and somedays I just think I can't handle this anymore. I am brought to my knees with so much joy, love my heart feels it might explode. And if God was to tell me right now that I had two choices. One to get you back and have my life as it was before your loss, or to wait until I see you in Heaven and have my life now. I would keep my life now. Now Ethan that does not mean I don't love you. I just love you so much and I love your siblings so much I know this is the best option. I have learned so much about me and my life since I lost you. That it would be hurtful to get you back and go back to my unstable life with God, my past filled with so much dysfunction I didn't know where to start to fix it.
I have to fix a lot of stuff now and work on it so I can make it more possible for all of us to be a family in Heaven someday. I made people cry at shift telling them this. Most people think I am nuts, I have been actually told that. But Ethan I love you that much, that I don't want you to know the pains of this world.

I don't want your brothers and sister to either, but they are here now and I will do my very best to try to bring them to God and establish a relationship of Hope with him, and give them a gift I wouldn't of otherwise been able to had everything gone the way we expected it to with you.

God and you have taught me so much about this thing called Heaven, Life and I have a Father because of your life.

Please know I love you, even if I cry it's because I love you that much. Because knowing you are where you should be isn't always easy to accept. Right now I am struggling a lot and sometimes just wish I could be with you more than anywhere. I cry a lot, I feel a deep ache in my heart a lot. And I am reaching out for help too so don't be worried.

Ethan sweet Little Man, may you know one of my greatest blessings was you. I love you baby boy! Tell Jesus thank you and I love him too. I hope he tells you all the time how much we love you too.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Back into despair

I recieved all of my old ob records today to send off to the surrogacy agency and I was reading all of them, I came across Ethan's. Reading them was a dumb no really stupid idea.

I am just a few weeks away from the four year anniversary of Ethan's death and birth. Now is not the time to be reading this kind of stuff.

And I read every single line, some going "what the hell did I just read" and then a single sentence brought me to tears, saddness, frustration with myself, with this life and my own understanding.

In black and white it said my son struggled for his life in my womb, that he had a period of stress causing his nails and lips to show the signs of his struggle.

I know I didn't kill my son, or at least I hope I didn't but I do know I feel like a complete failure right now. My poor baby was struggling for his life and I didn't even know it. I didn't stop it, and he suffered in my care.

I am mortified at this vision in my head. It's like sitting by and suffocating a baby or watching one suffocate and not doing a thing about it.

The one person a child is suppose to rely on to save and protect failed him.

I feel so haunted right now. So uttely disgusted.