Monday, November 28, 2011

Tidal Waves ~ crashing

I have fully surrendered to him right now, it's obvious I haven't been able to do it alone in 30 years. So I can't possibly now right?

You will need to mute the music player at the bottom of my page to hear this amazing song.

In church we sing this song and it is a favorite HUGE favorite of mine. This week I cried the hardest I have ever cried in church, every word Jim spoke was melting in my heart because it was so very fitting to my life. And I need God more than ever. No I am not drowing right now, my head is above water for now and I don't feel like I am sinking as I was a week or so ago. But I still feel weak and vunerable and I am dreading the holidays a little bit.

There should be 6 stockings hanging on the wall, and a photograph taken Christmas morning with 6 children not 5 holding their brothers photograph. I should be wrapping gifts for 6 and knowing what Ethan wants so much this year, and I remain clueless. I don't know what he looks like and what he would be like.

I miss all that, yet I know he is still there with us, sitting in the arms of Jesus, watching the glorious lights from above.

If you are a parent of a child who left too soon, we started a tradition a few years ago where we ask family and friends to please write a little letter to Ethan or all of us and we stuff it in his stocking and read them Christmas morning. The first year was rather emotional reading all of these amazing tributes to Ethan, but yet so joyful that no one forgot Ethan. This will be the 3rd year for us and I am hoping to read some more special tributes to Ethan.

I am guessing it will get easier but not before it gets harder. I am going deep down where it hurts and really digging up this crap of cards I got delt that are suppose to make me more Jesus like.

Ok that sounded a bit scaristic. And it was I think my hardest struggle was hearing how God didn't cause the things to happen to us in life that have but he did allow them to and it made my stomach turn. Those "things" I have been through are to make me more Jesus like. And I have a hard time accepting that, I wasn't already so before being molested more than anything, my dad walking out on me... I am at better terms with that as we speak but then take my child from me. I don't get all those things. My life was wrecked the day the molesting began, and now losing a child. I guess I just don't really see the purpose and how that will make me more Jesus like.

Maybe because I am remaning true to God through it, ok not through it because I most defiently had a few not so nice talks with him and let God know how crappy I have thought he was through those trials in my life.

But I guess I need to learn more than anything to let go and know I can't make sense of the why's and how's of all of this. I think as I have said before it's happened and now it's not why and how but where I go from here.

Now I am nervous as I tackle this all more than I already have, and I am afraid I may become not so nice and nasty. But I guess time will tell. And I have heard "no one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it".

So here it goes as the tidal waves crash and rest in my life.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Healing is happening

I think I came to many many realizations today.

First off I fell asleep last night praying. I lay in my bed my head was as it has been the past few weeks a horrible mess. Emotions all over and complete frustration, that I have been unable to jump this hurdle. And I sat and told God, to please make a way for me to feel like I could breathe again, that the hope he offered and the comfort would be more near than ever and enough.

And somehow I fell asleep during this, which was the start. I haven't sat and prayed with God other than a little mumbled mess from time to time. I have felt unworthy and not whole in my own self to pray to him. There was a major disconnect, a missing connection I so desperately needed and wanted. But was slightly out of reach until last night. I think because my heart has been so crazy heavy and the voices, and tapes those old stupid tapes of everything I have ever been taught about myself or lead to believe were true or the enemy tried to make real played. Last night I was able to put those aside and let go, of those and know I needed him more than ever.

Then today when talking to a care pastor/friend/Godly sister much more than I ever imagined clicked.

My heart has been so incredibly heavy with the situation with my dad. I miss so much of having the love a child gets from their parents. I have always felt I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't loveable. That is until today.....

It's amazing when God is ready to put you through tough work he really makes things click and make sense and brings an amazing power inside yourself. And he also prepares you to deal with it.

This past week has been an emotional nightmare. I have hated every single minute of it. But I know now why it was happening.

When talking of my father or the lack there of, and having it put into perspective that he is broken and he has his reasons for staying away. maybe my dad hasn't been a dad because I remind of him of a painful past, or maybe because he sees my mom in me and that is too much or maybe even he knew that he couldn't do for me what he thought was right and the next best option was terminating his rights.

I came home and pondered about all of this, and how can I be upset with him for walking away full hearted when I am ok with taking on Zoey knowing it’s a much better life for her.

If he had been a part of my life maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be as I am now. And I may hate myself outwardly but inside I think I am pretty amazing and I know I can do even more amazing things. With the acceptance of these "things" in my life.

I may not have turned out not to be God fearing and Loving as I am now. Maybe without these things.... Lack of parents, being molested as a child for three years, and the ultimate losing my own child. My faith wouldn't have sky rocketed. I can assure you that until these things happened in my life God wasn't as present and I wouldn't have made it through without faith and hope. I am pretty sure without my faith and leaning on the hope God knew I'd get through, I would be down a different path of drugs and alcohol and a life of much darker stuff as the others in my life have turned to.

Losing Ethan changed so much for me. I don't think God made it happen but when it happened he allowed it and sometimes I would like to think maybe he thought, "maybe this is the push she needs to work those areas of her life that have been haunting her." Because until Ethan, I didn't work on the devastation my heart felt due to the lack of parents, and the destroyed sense of self due to being violated as a child.

Now I still have a long very long way to go with learning to really engage and love myself inside and out. To know I am so worth it, and to know I WILL make a difference in the lives of others. Not because it will be easy, it's going to SUCK. I know it will, but I can do it. Through him all things are possible, and I want this so bad I can taste it.

I want to be a testament of Gods will and promises. I mean... I am still here and that says something, I would like to think.

Maybe the suicide attempts growing up, the cutting, the eating disorders helped band aid the pain for a while, But I needed God and I needed him more than ever.

I can't wait to see what's in store and find out my purpose. Maybe that won't be till much later but I would like to think I know a little of it now.

And I have to say sitting across the room from someone with no motives other than to help others understand Gods truth, promises. And telling you things you may or may not want to hear, but offering that gentle nudge to push forward when you think you can't is pretty freaking awesome.

Having someone borrow you hope when you don't have any. And feeling like you belong to somewhere and someone. And maybe even more than someone is even more incredible.

And then the most amazing, praying for you when your strength is gone and you feel like you could literally fall to the floor, and they still wrap their arms around you. Speaks volumes for Gods awesome work.

I am absolutely blessed that God loves me that much and that he is still there even if I don't feel it. He sure didn't let me down this past week. And bringing Flatirons community Church into my life was a gift I so needed. As well as a few special people God put on my side and they know who they are.

I guess I couldn't ask for more. Just some courage and strength to make it through the rest of life and the very very hard rough patches that are sure to come and will come. And that amazing Grace he seems to have.

And his presence as we spend our first ever holiday alone for the first time. I have to make my little family all that counts right now.

And I have asked him for his courage, I signed up for Hope mommies retreat in February the weekend before Ethans 4th heavenly birthday in hopes I can connect with other moms with the hope god has provided. I am nervous and never been away from my kids alone let alone in another state with no one I know. But I know this could be a great blessing.

And I have been praying to God about the upcoming baptism and I want to burry the old broken angela to bring to light and life the one he wants me to be, and I will be asking a special someone to be apart of that as well. I've been baptised before but I think this time there is a much bigger signifiance. The whole burrying the old Angela whos worth was determined by all the things that I've been through or that have been done to me. I don't want that, those things have no worth they are not me. I want to have the symbolic gesture of I guess being brought back from the water with a new life of what God thinks of my and my value to him. And those around me who have my best interest at heart.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

In that dark place

It's been a rough few days for me, they come in patches and I know this too shall pass. But in the mean time I am stuck in a crummy place.
I miss Ethan I miss the fact I will never fell quite whole again. Or maybe I will but today I don't.
Grief workshop started again and I feel raw again. Not that I hadn’t a few days prior. My emotional state has been a brewing mess all week, and frankly... my mind and Satan are winning right now.
I don't want them to of course, but it is in fact the case.
Family pictures came and passed and I realized that day that I had forgot Ethan bear at home. So now our family picture is ruined in my mind. It doesn't mean they won't be treasured.
But I feel like I forgot him, and how do you forget your child? It’s not like I had to dress him and make sure he got in the car buckled up. I feel like the worst mom right now and now our family picture is even more incomplete than it already was in the first place.
I am having a hard time with the fact my third baby should be 4 soon. It makes me a little sick to know I don't get to hear him call me mom, that he would be in kindergarten soon and I don’t get that time with him. Milestones don’t end at the grave site I am missing so much.
So that started the brewing of emotions these past few weeks.
Then the holidays are coming and I don't have family nearby, I miss Ethan, and if I have to watch that stupid "Silent Night" Pampers commercial one more time I may just lose it. Silent night, sleeping babies in heavenly peace is more than I can take.
Then my brother wrote to me telling me how sorry he was for old childhood stuff that's silly and I am not mad at him for. However, it dug up past hurtful stuff with my stepfather.
Then guilt, shame, resentment and flat out confusion on why I am on this earth have set in. All these things that pop up and make me feel like the biggest failure. I allowed a man to molest me as a child for 3 years, I couldn't save my own child from death, my father ran out on me and has chosen to not have me in his life.
I have to admit I feel a bit abandoned and I can't climb over it right now, I am ready to hide in a hole until I can feel better. But I can't I have 5 kids who need me and I am a wife. I can't run away and if I did I might very well just be running from myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like this is bigger than me and I don't know where to turn.
I question why all these things have happened to me. Sure let my childhood play out the way it did, ok fine I can handle that. But letting my child die hurts more than I can tell anyone. Then to top it off without having the one thing I need and want sometimes as a girl, my father and I can't have that. I'll never be good enough and he doesn't love me enough. I must have done something wrong to make him be that way. I didn't chose to be born and his child but he gets to chose to walk out.
I want more than anything to be scooped up held and yes I am 30. I am a grown woman but I need it sometimes. Physically.
I don't know how as a 30 something year old woman I can still feel like a hurt child. Not having a father in my life that loves me is another loss and I have to learn to grieve and move on with.
With what steps I am not sure, how long I don't know. But the one thing I do know is I want to be able to forgive my father for not loving me the way I want to be loved, for not telling me he loves me and for leaving me. I want it so bad. But I am so hurt I don't know how to have that.
When I look at my kids or I see other parents hug, hold their children especially adult children. I want to find a corner and hide. Because, I am jealous. I want that too.....
And when I hold, love, or comfort my children I get angry that I was never important enough to receive that from my earthly father. I am lost on what I have done to make this be my life, or what it is about me that makes me so un-loveable. What have I done so bad or at all even to have a father such as mine? My father knows nothing about me other than I am a grown woman with 5 children. He doesn't know we are adopting, my favorite food, that we own a home, that I hate most things/physical traits about myself, that I miss Ethan more than anything in this life other than having him in mine.
I lost Ethan, he was taken from me and I can't get him back. Yet I stand as a firm, healthy, happy (for the most part), successful child of God. And my dad doesn't want a thing to do with that.
And coming from a life without a father I know how horrible, gut wrenching and life altering it is for a girl not to have an earthy father. I wish these men could see how much they are impacting these children who will grow to be women and how vital their role is in our lives. I wonder if he (my dad) knew this if it would change the choice he has made.
God should be enough and I know that. But right now I am not in that place where I can. And how do I get past that desire of having parents who want me? And I mean really want me, not just get stuck with me.
And I don't feel good enough for God. I try my best to lead a life like Jesus. Give all I can, be genuine and care about those less fortunate, give of my time and soul, love those around me, all those things and not for anything in return, not to get into heaven but because I want to be like him. And yet I feel so far from that.
I don't raise my hand in worship at church because I am afraid I look silly and he will think what the heck is she doing?
And honestly I know that realistically this is all crap but I am here now and I need for it to pass somehow.
I just really miss Ethan and I guess I am grieving a lost childhood myself.
It's been a week of pure emotional torture. Thank God for putting Flatirons into my life, without this church/home I would be so much more lost than I am.
I attended church services twice this week and each time cried, I attended the worship concert in hopes it would refresh and quench my soul.
I think I managed to get a step further ahead in my grief today but I am still hurting. I wish the pain was easier to hide, but it isn't. Today at the services no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears. And where I made progress is I didn't worry this time about everyone around me and how my crying would be taken. I am sure I wasn't the only one either.
When the songs at the end of service were sung, I cried hard, and I held hard onto hope that someday, I can be enough for him and that God can be all I need and it will comfort and satisfy my heart and soul.
I think the hardest part is I believe God I know what he has spoken and he has chosen me, but I just want that touch so bad.
You know you have had more than you can handle with life when you just want to get away, sadly I can't get away from myself. And I can't just hide in bed all day I have 5 kids but right now I need something. It's not that I am scared of hurting myself at all I am just at the end of my emotional rope for a week. I need to feel refreshed and joy and know what the heck all this emotional torture this week is about.

I am feeling down that I have no family nearby and that we will spend Thursday alone this week. Not that thanksgiving is that important to me. But Guy is on call and so more than likely I will be home alone for the first time on a holiday so maybe that’s partly what this is about. Dreading the holidays this year, being upset that my dad is who he is, and I miss Ethan, grief workshop last week was rough.

Rough because of all the suicides, I've been there it's been about two years to this time that I held tightly to a bottle of sleeping pills trying to gain the strength to take the whole darn bottle so I wouldn't wake up. Life hurt too much and I felt so alone, as I normally do but I didn’t have Jesus in my life as strong as I do now. And I didn't know how to cope. Death seemed so much more comforting. So I think the grief workshop kind of triggered this grief a little more than I already was dealing with. I've never been honest with myself how much I was hurting and all the times growing up I cut myself or took that bottle of aspirin one time, lesson learned there and I won't do that again. But I felt for all those people who took their lives…. I've been to that point of hurt and I am not sure what stopped me. Then a little sad for all those loved ones dealing with the aftermath of their lost loved ones. I always wondered if I died if anyone would care. Not that I need to think of that now.