Monday, November 23, 2009

19 Months

Its been 19 months....

*of missing you
*of tears
*of heartache
*sleepless nights
*of agony
*of crazy dreams
*of begging
*of wonder
*of sadness
*tested faith
*renewed faith
*pretending to the rest of the world I was ok
*accepting it was ok to say I'm not ok
*learning how to live without you
*learning how to find my new normal
*accepting my new normal
*5 months of feeling completed by the gifts you have brought into my life
*5 months of satisfaction knowing I'm honoring your life
*of saying your name over and over
*praying the rest of the world doesn't forget to say your name
*trying to find ways to keep your memory alive in my heart and others

It has been 19 months of the worst heartache and joy all at once. I've learned more about myself in these past 19 months than I have in the past 28 years. Without you Ethan I wouldn't be complete.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let me take 1 step forward while I take 1,000 back

Whew this week has been a week.

2 weeks ago we found out we were expecting again. And the shock set it right away. After we had Corbin we had decided we were done and well I decided after many mixed emotions that maybe this little one was coming to shake up our world a little more for the better.

See even this this came very shocking to us we took it in stride not believing in abortion, and no way on earth could we give him/her up. We did what we believe is best step up and raise this baby. Our kids are more than cared for and this little one would have all the love in the world. I do believe that sometimes things come to us when we aren't looking for them.

Then the fear set in. Can I really go through this roller coaster of emotions again? What if? How? If I get happy something will happen!

Sunday afternoon after a trip to grocery store I came home and discovered I was bleeding. My heart sank right away and I knew in my heart that it was over as fast as the joy came. I'm now left with all these mixed emotions right now.

In the end we wanted this baby so much. And to hear my husband say this broke my heart even more! I feel like a failure one of the easiest most beautiful things on earth my body just cant seem to do right.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Things I already know the answer to but I'm in that pit of grief all over again. Its taking every fiber in my body to not collapse in pain.

This past 18 months has been more of a hell than I can describe. Sure my life has been enriched with many blessings and as I stated in my last blog I wouldn't trade Ethan to have my life back.

But allow me to wallow in my grief for a few.

My body is not back to normal at all right now and I sit here pondering all of this, and why my life is taking this turn.

How do you stay on top when it feels like every time you get up you get knocked back down?

All the pain my body is in reminds me of the way I came home from the hospital without Ethan. Empty handed, but yet so sore. Milk with no baby to feed. A bag full of papers and empty arms. The lovely phantom baby kicks all to remind yourself your baby is gone.

The joy in realizing Corbin would have a sibling close in age like the older two were and they have been best friends. Only to realize its all gone now.

The pain in knowing pregnancy sucks. The innocence is now gone. There is no time line in telling people anymore. Now its not that 12 weeks is the safe telling point, instead do you wait until your in the hospital?

So much emotion and only so much room in my heart for this pain.

This little one would have been named Emma Rae or Allison Rae and we were thinking maybe Colton Ray for a boy (using the male version of Rae).
Rae is after my beloved therapist, who has helped me in more ways than I can even say. I owe her so much and will forever be indebted for her compassion, love, faith, trust, understanding and tears. I know to some its a little strange to name your child after a therapist but this woman has been my rock and without her I really don't know where I'd be.
If we chose Allison it would have been after my OB would has been my god send through the past almost 3 years. I can't imagine not honoring both of these women.

Loving you

Today I was reading a blog from another Angel mom and it was all about the way our lives are altered now and our lives parenting an Angel Baby/Child.

All the inadequate feelings that we have in loving our Angel's.

The difference's we have with our earthly children and the one/one's who fly above us.

I have to admit I feel all of those feelings as well, and more often than I wish I had to.

See I can love Ethan with all I am and carry him within all I do on a daily basis. Working with NILMDTS I get to love and honor him in that way, when I talk about him, or a rare instance comes up and someone asks to see a picture (now I can't say that one has happened in a very long time). I can love him with every possible fiber in my body and say it over and over in my head and praying he hears me and feels the love I carry for him. I can carry all those memory's with me that I do have with me, but eventually those will fade little by little. I can tend his grave and keep little things out there, but usually that comes with the heartache knowing he really isn't there.

But I can't kiss a broken heart of his someday, I can't kiss a scrapped knee and know that for a moment he will feel mommy's kiss made it all better. I can't squeeze and hug him. I can't soothe his cries with a single song, I cant hold him and wonder what I can do to make things better.

All those physical things as human beings that we desire to show to other's especially our children. We don't have that. They always say actions speak lower than words. And boy this is one thing beyond our control we just can't do.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


I've been thinking for two days about a topic I want to write about. And after two days I can't think of one so I will just ramble about things I'm thinking about.

The first about healing. I guess when I lost Ethan I always hoped there would be this instant healing. I guess instant gratification so to speak. Whenever I read another Angel moms thoughts almost always I read some form or another about how they want to feel better but how guilt is lurking around the corner of happiness.
I think we tend to think "if I feel better it means I am forgetting". When in reality we can never forget can we? We really are our own worst demons aren't we. I'm mean we have been through a tragic, horrific event that is life altering.

And we can't even phantom allowing ourselves some peace, or even to think of the possibility of being happy again in a new way, without throwing yourselves under the bus saying things like."Oh my gosh how can I even think of being happy again?", "If I look or act happy it means I'm forgetting about my son/daughter", "I must be horrible to want to be happy again when I'm missing him/her so much", "how can someone ever be happy again after losing a child? I must be a horrible mother"

I think when we lose our child we want so badly to be able to feel happy just a little because we are drowning in despair. I know when I lost Ethan I wanted to know from anyone and everyone who could answer me when I would feel better? How long did it take? When really I don't think there is a time line. I know for some women its months, years and some who never really grieved it took a lot longer than that.

I know for me it wasn't until the past few months that I actually felt more happy than I do sad. Now that does not mean that I don't have my breakdown days, or that I don't see/hear/smell something that triggers all those emotions to come up.

I recently went to a funeral for one of my NILMDTS sessions little Aiden. And they played a song that I played so many times after I lost Ethan and the song that is on Ethan's video. And I was not prepared for the way I would feel. I felt consumed with my own grief for a few. I for seconds could see my son in the coffin, the flowers smelled the same way they did 19 months ago for me. It was bittersweet.

Healing is really a scab. Sure it heals but from time to time it will get bumped and bleed again and after some time and care of the wound it heals a little more. But only to get knocked again later.

In my opinion only 19 months after losing my son, I will say this. You will never really 100% lose that scab. It will always be there. But it does get easier as time passes to function in life again. To look at the brighter side of things, to enjoy life again. Will you ever be able to enjoy life the carefree way you did before losing a child? I'm going to say no probably not. You will now enjoy life to a much bigger capacity. You will enjoy life to its fullest not being so careless, you will love deeper, you will now appreciate all those things in life that most people take for granted. You will be able to pick up the pieces of your once shattered life and put them into place where they will remain for the rest of your life. Knowing you will always have your very own Angel on your shoulder.

This month I was so lucky to receive NILMDT'S volunteer of the month. I must say it comes with a little apprehension to say the least. I dont do it to be rewarded except the the rewards I get from doing this for other's. I don't do it so other people can say how great I am. I mean really I must say how great Ethan is. Without him I wouldn't be with NILMDTS. Horrible I know but it really takes a major loss to show us all those important things in this life. It really helps to put things into perspective doesn't it? Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? I'll go into that in a minute.

But Ethan has brought so much good into my life its amazing and I never once thought possible. Heck 19 months ago I asked myself why me? what did I do to deserve this? And I begged everyday and every night to the lord above to please tell me how to get Ethan back I would do anything.

I will not get the chance on this earth to ask God these questions. So in the mean time I might as well figure out what to do now? I still miss him more than I can even put into words, I would do about anything to get him back or even get just a few more minutes with him to tell him all I want to say. And to kiss his sweet little face just once more, rub the creases in his feet and touch his beautiful fingers one last time. But the truth of the matter is I cant and yes it sucks.

But Iv asked myself time and time again what I can do now. To heal, to continue Ethan's legacy and soften the blow for other parents. And well 4 months ago I found my niche.

NILMDTS- I have put my all into it, and I have received great rewards nothing tangible. But so many parents of Angel's Iv been able to connect with, so many little ones Iv been able to whisper in their ears before they left this world, so many beautiful little Angels that never got a chance but I was able to touch their little features in amazement and wonder not disgust like others would. See the black lips don't scare me like they would someone else. The satisfaction in knowing that I can provide a legacy for these little wingless wonders by a simple photograph.

This blog has also been a big thing for me as well. I come here and pour my heart out knowing that a lot of times from across the world someone is sitting here reading this with tears filling their eyes but they are nodding their head. And why because someone gets them. I get you, I feel your pain and I'm walking this journey from miles away or even continents but we are together. I may not physically be holding your hand through the roughest of waters but I'm there with you in spirit.

Now would I change all of this to get Ethan back? Would I change all the things brought to me through Ethan in which Iv been able to live a much more fulfilled life? I don't know really but I going to say knowing only what I know now. Since losing Ethan I have learned how much this happens and how taboo it is to talk about it.

So I'm going to say with all that Iv learned and shared get ready to gasp I would keep my life as it is now. I will see Ethan again someday I'm pretty sure of that. Somedays I still have my doubts but I really think I will and then and only then I will really enjoy him with all that he has taught me through his brief yet amazing life. He has taught me so much about love, appreciation, life and I think Id be crazy to give that all up for a few years when soon enough I will spend eternity with him. Even just a few short months ago had you asked me this question I would have said yes Id trade it all please just give me Ethan back. But by doing this I think I would lose out on a lot. I know I will see him again and I will hug and never let go but he has taught me to open my heart bigger than its ever been before and most people that know me know I already had a pretty big heart. But now its filled with so much more appreciation, faith, desire to make the world a better place, love, compassion and that makes Ethan great. He has made me into a much better person.

Ill close with a poem that someone once shared with me.
To All My Angel Mom And Dad's ♥ Come, take my hand, the road is long. We must travel by stepping stones. No, you're not alone. I've been there. Don't fear the darkness. I'll be with you. We must take one step at a time. But remember, we may have to stop awhile. It's a long way to the other side And there are many obstacles. We have many stones to cross. Some are bigger than others. Shock, denial, and anger to start. Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness. It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done. It's the only way to reach the other side. Come, slip your hand in mind. What? Oh, yes, it's strong. I've held so many hands like yours. Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours. Once, you see, I had to take someone's hand In order to take the first step. Oops! You've stumbled. Go ahead and cry. Don't be ashamed. I understand. Let's wait here awhile so that you can get your breath. When you're stronger, we'll go on, one step at a time. There's no need to hurry. Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good. Look, we're halfway there now. I can see the other side. It looks so warm and sunny. On, have you noticed? We're nearing the last stone And you're standing alone. And look, your hand, you've let go of mine. We've reached the other side. But wait, look back, someone is standing there. They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones. I'd better go. They need my help. What? Are you sure? Why, yes, go ahead. I'll wait. You know the way. You've been there. Yes, I agree. It's your turn, my friend . . . To help someone else cross the stepping stones.