Thursday, November 4, 2010

I wish it wasn't so hard

We welcomed our fifth blessing on October 22nd 2010 at 12:31am, his name is Dillon Ray and he is adorable.

But there is always this hole in my heart, it can't be mended or filled. And lately I find myself almost panic stricken.

Not to the point I think I need serious therapy or anything just I wish it wasn't so hard. Since losing Ethan, loss has become so real to me.

I can be laying here with this perfect little new blessing and minutes later fear takes over, all the what if's. It's like sitting waiting for him to be ripped away from us.

Simple things like him gagging on milk, maybe his lips looks a little bluish(OMG what if he isn't getting enough oxygen, to me sleeping with him because I can't stand knowing that in the middle of the night he could quit breathing or lord forbid sids happen. Not like him in my arms would prevent any of that from happening. But yet it allows me to feel somewhat in control and like I'm doing my best to protect him.

I just wish loss didn't ampilify this fear of loss so much. It's not just the new baby it's all my kids. If they go away on vacation I have a few brief moments of painc of all the what if's.

I wish people understood that yes I know how ver VERY blessed I am to have 4 boys at home with me, whom for now I get to watch grow and blossom. But that the fear that comes with a loss is so crazy and overwhelming. I think for most parents who have lost a child, there is a constant fear that something will happen to one of our other kids, to the new baby when we have one.

And for me after Ethan I was petrified to let my kids and husband go anywhere because what if something happened to all of them, lord knows I think Id dig my own grave.

I just wish it wasn't so hard and that others understood while yes Im basking in total love, faith, apperciation of life fear is so very real and its like its lurking around the corner waiting to get me.


  1. Oh Angela.... I think that fear can be so incredibly suffocating at times, and I think it is very "normal" especially for us. I haven't gotten my rainbow yet, but I know the fears will ALL be there (funny I already expect them). I also wish it wasn't so hard, and if others actually understood then it could be easier. ALways thinking of you and ALL 5 of your boys and believing that Ethan is with you daily holding your hand and heart. xoxo

  2. Hope is 9 months now & I still have moments of freaking out. They've lessened over time but they still can come up & choke me. Unfortunately, everything your feeling is normal~at least it's normal for mom's like you & me. Other people don't get it & that's OK because you have a whole lot of friends that care about you, & Dillon, & Ethan, & all your boys. (((hugs)))

  3. I understand this all too well. The panic feeling is intense & it consumes you. I was a wreck for months & months. It has eased a little but not fully. I can only imagine when we have this new little one how it will trigger it all over again. Sending you some peace! Congrats on your new lil one!

  4. I know I still worry even though she is here. I get scared she'll stop breathing through the night. It's just too real now.

  5. Angela--He is so beautiful. Congratulations! We are looking to move to Colorado and each time I drive by northglen I think of you, my fellow blogging babyloss mom. I am so happy Dillon is in your arms. I can imagine your fears of losing him. Each time my kids catches a cold, I think the worst. It's our new normal, it's our life, right? Very few could be expected to understand that. We just have to learn how to live with those fears, then to be happy amidst them. I wish for you peace and trust that Dillon will remain with you, happy, healthy and full of love.

  6. Christy that would be so great if you are ever near by call and we can meet 303-519-1583

  7. I am so with you about sleeping with my baby. I can't bear to let her sleep in her crib. I am so afraid she will stop breathing. I like to think that, if God calls her home in her sleep that at least I held her as she passed to Jesus. I pray that all babies will stay forever with their mommies, but... I also pray that He will comfort those whose do not.