I wish it wasn't so hard

We welcomed our fifth blessing on October 22nd 2010 at 12:31am, his name is Dillon Ray and he is adorable.

But there is always this hole in my heart, it can't be mended or filled. And lately I find myself almost panic stricken.

Not to the point I think I need serious therapy or anything just I wish it wasn't so hard. Since losing Ethan, loss has become so real to me.

I can be laying here with this perfect little new blessing and minutes later fear takes over, all the what if's. It's like sitting waiting for him to be ripped away from us.

Simple things like him gagging on milk, maybe his lips looks a little bluish(OMG what if he isn't getting enough oxygen, to me sleeping with him because I can't stand knowing that in the middle of the night he could quit breathing or lord forbid sids happen. Not like him in my arms would prevent any of that from happening. But yet it allows me to feel somewhat in control and like I'm doing my best to protect him.

I just wish loss didn't ampilify this fear of loss so much. It's not just the new baby it's all my kids. If they go away on vacation I have a few brief moments of painc of all the what if's.

I wish people understood that yes I know how ver VERY blessed I am to have 4 boys at home with me, whom for now I get to watch grow and blossom. But that the fear that comes with a loss is so crazy and overwhelming. I think for most parents who have lost a child, there is a constant fear that something will happen to one of our other kids, to the new baby when we have one.

And for me after Ethan I was petrified to let my kids and husband go anywhere because what if something happened to all of them, lord knows I think Id dig my own grave.

I just wish it wasn't so hard and that others understood while yes Im basking in total love, faith, apperciation of life fear is so very real and its like its lurking around the corner waiting to get me.