Happy 3rd Birthday Ethan

Wow has it really been three years. It's amazing to me that time has flown by yet stood competly still.

I still find myself recalling every single possible memory from three years ago. I guess I know its because its the most painful life event a person could go through. I also think because when I am in the mist of grief I feel closest to you. And those are the only memories I will ever have.

Three years ago I was in the hospital room, being constantly drugged with benedryl because the epidural made me itch uncontrolable. Which was a little strange since I never had that issue with your brothers. But maybe it was a way for me to get a break. The benedryl made me so sleepy and I couldnt keep my eyes open for anything at all. I remember brief pauses waking up here and there.

Then I remember waking up in the morning to a strange feeling and my water broke, it was very bloody and I remember being so scared at that moment. Not that anything could go anymore wrong really, but still I was scared.

Not much longer after that you started to crown and I was so frightened I remember crying and telling the nurses that I couldnt do this I didnt want to do this. But it was not something I could avoid.

At 847am the doctor handed me this amazingly beautiful but lifeless child. I wanted to see you so bad but I also remember being so scared to see you, not knowing why you had passed away.

But you were the most beautifull angelic little boy I have ever layed eyes or hands on. Everything about you. Your perfectly round head, dark handsome hair, little round lips and mommys nose. Those tiny long fingers and daddys big feet.

I wish I could have held you forever and it broke my heart to let them take you, knowing I would never get to see you again until our time comes.

Ethan you have molded me in ways people only wish they could be molded without a major effort, and I thank you for that. I am more compassionate, loving, genuine than I ever thought possible.

I miss you though and I would be lying if I said otherwise. You will be three here in 12 hours ish. A running, full blown toddler. I miss getting to see that. I wish I knew if you kept that handsome dark hair or if it got light like mommys.

When I close my eyes tonight my heart will be with you, as it always is. But tonight I am going to try to let go of the pain, the tears, the haunting memories. And just have joy... The joy you have given me and others through your life.

It wont be easy it never is but I thank you my angel for all you have given me. I love you Happy Birthday Little Man