Saturday, January 14, 2012

Back into despair

I recieved all of my old ob records today to send off to the surrogacy agency and I was reading all of them, I came across Ethan's. Reading them was a dumb no really stupid idea.

I am just a few weeks away from the four year anniversary of Ethan's death and birth. Now is not the time to be reading this kind of stuff.

And I read every single line, some going "what the hell did I just read" and then a single sentence brought me to tears, saddness, frustration with myself, with this life and my own understanding.

In black and white it said my son struggled for his life in my womb, that he had a period of stress causing his nails and lips to show the signs of his struggle.

I know I didn't kill my son, or at least I hope I didn't but I do know I feel like a complete failure right now. My poor baby was struggling for his life and I didn't even know it. I didn't stop it, and he suffered in my care.

I am mortified at this vision in my head. It's like sitting by and suffocating a baby or watching one suffocate and not doing a thing about it.

The one person a child is suppose to rely on to save and protect failed him.

I feel so haunted right now. So uttely disgusted.


  1. What awful words to read. Angela I'm so sorry. Being mother's, the idea that we did something to cause our child's death always creeps back in. But it isnt true and often it takes repeated reminds to believe. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Oh Angela. I want to wrap my arms around you. I wish you didn't have to read those words and they are ones that would def haunt a mother. They would haunt me. I'm so sorry. ((hug))