3 years 11 months 11 days

I can't believe it's been that long since I last held you Ethan, since my lips kissed your sweet forehead and kissed the curve of your nose between your eyes.

I miss you so much, I wish there were words to tell you other than I miss you. How much my heart and arms ache to hold you.

It seems so long ago, the nights are easier but lately I find myself struggling to find comfort in Heaven.

When i hold Nan's hand I am reminded of what she was once told. "Just as I am holding your hand now, one day you will hold his".

I can't wait for that day. I know Jesus is holding you and you don't have to deal with the pains of this world and for that I am grateful, but I still long for you.

I am blindsided often lately, by the passing of other little kids your age. And knowing again this year I don't get to buy you something your heart desires. Make your birthday cake, and love on you. Instead I get to send ballons to Heaven for you. Make you a cake you'll never eat.

And just wonder what you look like, what things you like to do, who your favorite friends are. What your personality is like? Sometimes it's just too much.

I just hope you know all you have brought into my life by simply the gift of being able to be your mom, Ethan.

I am so blessed.

Saturday night I sat and held baby Joseph and just stared at him in amazement at this thing called life. And felt so much joy for Julie, myself all of us really.

But I still miss you so much. I feel like I failed you Ethan. And if I could of saved you I would of little man I promise you that.

I would have died for your life.

Three years, 11 months and 11 days ago, I sat in complete and utter nieveness that you would be taken from me. I didn't think it was possible I would lose you, that the warm place that was suppose to protect you, help you thrive would kill you. I had your baby shower, sat in a room full of people so excited for your arrival and your two brothers who couldn't wait for a baby brother.

Who knew my world would be absoltuely turned upside down? I never thought I would have to teach your brothers about death so early. Blake misses you a lot. He always tells me how he wishes you were with us, I remember last year Aiden said he was sad, that we were making you a cake and you couldn't have any. I know they get the unjustice of death. That breaks my heart.

Soon Ethan someone special will be joining Heaven. He is the father of our pastor at church. I hear what a great man he is. Hopefully you will get to be with him.

Ethan, do you know Zach? I hope so. He is my bestfriends son. He died when he was three and a half. I hope you two are running around heaven, chasing the butterflies and living a life we cannot even compherend. Nan is someone pretty special to me Ethan. I cannot even begin to explain her to you. All I know is that, through your loss God has done some amazing things. Things that aren't so easy, that make my knees buckle and me want to quit. And then he brought people into my life whom I cannot now begin to imagine a life without.

At shift on Friday I talked about you. I told them how amazing you are, how amazing our father God is. How as much as I miss you, and somedays I just think I can't handle this anymore. I am brought to my knees with so much joy, love my heart feels it might explode. And if God was to tell me right now that I had two choices. One to get you back and have my life as it was before your loss, or to wait until I see you in Heaven and have my life now. I would keep my life now. Now Ethan that does not mean I don't love you. I just love you so much and I love your siblings so much I know this is the best option. I have learned so much about me and my life since I lost you. That it would be hurtful to get you back and go back to my unstable life with God, my past filled with so much dysfunction I didn't know where to start to fix it.
I have to fix a lot of stuff now and work on it so I can make it more possible for all of us to be a family in Heaven someday. I made people cry at shift telling them this. Most people think I am nuts, I have been actually told that. But Ethan I love you that much, that I don't want you to know the pains of this world.

I don't want your brothers and sister to either, but they are here now and I will do my very best to try to bring them to God and establish a relationship of Hope with him, and give them a gift I wouldn't of otherwise been able to had everything gone the way we expected it to with you.

God and you have taught me so much about this thing called Heaven, Life and I have a Father because of your life.

Please know I love you, even if I cry it's because I love you that much. Because knowing you are where you should be isn't always easy to accept. Right now I am struggling a lot and sometimes just wish I could be with you more than anywhere. I cry a lot, I feel a deep ache in my heart a lot. And I am reaching out for help too so don't be worried.

Ethan sweet Little Man, may you know one of my greatest blessings was you. I love you baby boy! Tell Jesus thank you and I love him too. I hope he tells you all the time how much we love you too.

Back into despair

I recieved all of my old ob records today to send off to the surrogacy agency and I was reading all of them, I came across Ethan's. Reading them was a dumb no really stupid idea.

I am just a few weeks away from the four year anniversary of Ethan's death and birth. Now is not the time to be reading this kind of stuff.

And I read every single line, some going "what the hell did I just read" and then a single sentence brought me to tears, saddness, frustration with myself, with this life and my own understanding.

In black and white it said my son struggled for his life in my womb, that he had a period of stress causing his nails and lips to show the signs of his struggle.

I know I didn't kill my son, or at least I hope I didn't but I do know I feel like a complete failure right now. My poor baby was struggling for his life and I didn't even know it. I didn't stop it, and he suffered in my care.

I am mortified at this vision in my head. It's like sitting by and suffocating a baby or watching one suffocate and not doing a thing about it.

The one person a child is suppose to rely on to save and protect failed him.

I feel so haunted right now. So uttely disgusted.