5 years and all the wonders....

It's been five years of fighting for JOY, for learning to have HOPE and not despair.  The fifth birthday was a rather tough one.  A milestone birthday that came and went, we celebrated Ethan's life with the traditional balloon release and singing happy birthday along with a cake.  This years cake was a little different than last years but none the less I loved it!! And I loved that the lady who does Ethan's cake makes it a little special.  She put a board under the cake with planets and rockets and said she tried to find things that little boys Ethan's age would like.  She is a special woman none the less.  

Then another milestone came last week, the day my sweet HOPE baby would have started kindergarten.  I was a little sad to be honest, but I didn't allow myself to feel robbed as I normally would of.  Instead I remembered that while I may not get to be proud of the drawings, report cards, art work, mis-spelled words and crazy stories from my little boy!  I get to be so much prouder of all he accomplished before even getting to take a breath.  

My little boy was used in mightier ways than I could ever imagine.  And what's there to be sad about with that?

It's been some up's and down's but by far way more up's!! I miss Ethan and I carry Ethan in the very fabric of our family.  In everything we do.  Just because Ethan isn't here doesn't mean we don't want to remember him in special ways.  I will always live my life to honor God and the HOPE he has given me with my sweet HOPE baby Ethan.  

I remember being told from early on that time would make things better.  And I used to get so angry when I was told that.  Because I thought "how on earth could time replace my baby, what I wanted and what was taken from me?  I'll always hurt this way".

And really I am so thankful for the HOPE I have in Christ and what he has done with my heart.  Jesus really does bind up all our wounds if we allow him to.  

Psalms 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

Praise God he really does.  Does that mean I don't ache to hold Ethan?  That holidays, birthdays, 1st day of kindergarten don't hurt, 

Nope I want all of that and it hurts!  But now I am not breathless!  Jesus has not forsaken me, losing my son was not a punishment!  It's just the reality of the broken sin filled world we live in.

I am so blessed to have been picked to be Ethan's mom, that little boy was such a faithful servant to God and if he can be then so can I.  I will live my life out loud speaking of all the goodness God has not offer.  Not of the heartache and dreadful of this flesh and world we live in.

My little boy has changed lives and what more could a mom want from her child.  And what more could my father in Heaven want from me?  

I am here, I am willing and I want to show the world what a sweet little boy and Christ has done in me! 

Ethan my sweet boy!  You have been such a faithful servant and I can only hope to do as much as you have in my life time!

Thank you too Dee of Fall Child Photography for our family picture!

Almost 5 years in my new normal.....

This past Monday it hit me how the 5 year anniversary of Ethan's life came to a sudden halt.  An unexpected life changing event turned my world upside down.
I've been at so much peace the past 2 years and in a comfortable place with Ethan not being here with us.  Knowing he is with God and I will be with him again someday, that this pain is only temporary.  But lately it's hurting.
I think it's hurting so much because 5 years is a big milestone, because I am looking at what I am missing/losing out on.  But really it's just a long time to be without your child.

I think this year is hard because I realize I am missing a full blown child.  Ethan isn't a toddler anymore, he is a kid now.  He would have been in kindergarten this year.  So there will be no backpacks hanging on the hook for him, no walking a timid child to his first day of school.  5 years seems like when all my kids finally got some of the stuff of life but yet were so innocent.
I get to watch friends who's children are 5 go to school this year, and while I am happy for them my heart aches.
What would my little boy look like?  Would he like school or be scared? Who would his friends be? What kinds of things would he enjoy doing?

Its just a hard reality that every once and awhile I have to face.  A reality that sucks but yet has a promise of Hope attached.

While I know where my child is and that's a comfort I don't have to worry about, it's still hurts.  It's still hard to know I will always be missing something/milestones.

I am also 34 weeks pregnant with another couples baby, something I said I wanted to do after I lost Ethan.  And God allowed that to happen.  And I know it's only because of him I am able to do this.  But at times I feel a brief panic set in because I lost Ethan at 34 weeks and 2 days.  That's where I am now in this pregnancy.  And while I don't think a thing will happen to this little girl.  I am also not naive and I know nothing is in my control no matter how well I plan or take care of myself.

I just keep praying that this aching is just the anticipation leading up to Ethan's birthday......