This past Monday it hit me how the 5 year anniversary of Ethan's life came to a sudden halt. An unexpected life changing event turned my world upside down.
I've been at so much peace the past 2 years and in a comfortable place with Ethan not being here with us. Knowing he is with God and I will be with him again someday, that this pain is only temporary. But lately it's hurting.
I think it's hurting so much because 5 years is a big milestone, because I am looking at what I am missing/losing out on. But really it's just a long time to be without your child.
I think this year is hard because I realize I am missing a full blown child. Ethan isn't a toddler anymore, he is a kid now. He would have been in kindergarten this year. So there will be no backpacks hanging on the hook for him, no walking a timid child to his first day of school. 5 years seems like when all my kids finally got some of the stuff of life but yet were so innocent.
I get to watch friends who's children are 5 go to school this year, and while I am happy for them my heart aches.
What would my little boy look like? Would he like school or be scared? Who would his friends be? What kinds of things would he enjoy doing?
Its just a hard reality that every once and awhile I have to face. A reality that sucks but yet has a promise of Hope attached.
While I know where my child is and that's a comfort I don't have to worry about, it's still hurts. It's still hard to know I will always be missing something/milestones.
I am also 34 weeks pregnant with another couples baby, something I said I wanted to do after I lost Ethan. And God allowed that to happen. And I know it's only because of him I am able to do this. But at times I feel a brief panic set in because I lost Ethan at 34 weeks and 2 days. That's where I am now in this pregnancy. And while I don't think a thing will happen to this little girl. I am also not naive and I know nothing is in my control no matter how well I plan or take care of myself.
I just keep praying that this aching is just the anticipation leading up to Ethan's birthday......