Thursday, February 12, 2015

7 years missing you !

It's been 7 long years of missing you Ethan, 7 years of wonder, despair, Hope and Joy!  But it never equates to how much my body yearns for just a little more time with you.
I will forever remember your birthday, I remember the fear that took over my body as I prepared to meet you for the first time not knowing what I'd see and that I would have to say hello and goodbye all at once
Fear of having to make the choice each and every day thereafter to do life without you, to get up and face the reality that my son was dead. To make each day count and not let your death be in vain.  Because the reality is I remember laying in the bed that day and the months that followed just wanting to die to be with you.

I remember so very vividly screaming out loud when it was time to push, I didn't want to and I couldn't.  I would have rather kept you inside me forever because they wouldn't ever be able to take you away.  I was so scared.......

And the moment you were born 8:47am February 13, 2008, they laid you on me..... I just sat there in awe of your beauty.  Everything from the dark ruby red lips.... To the purple finger nails, things only moms who lose babies can appreciate.  But such strong long fingers, and a cute little button nose that I couldn't stop kissing.  I just kept thinking in my head what a nightmare this all was and I would have to wake up.  But it wasn't and I was very very awake.  Starring at death... the fact babies really do die.  Infants die and parents have to face the reality that while our world stops moving it appears everyone around us just goes on.  I just wanted you to wake up and prove us all wrong.

I kept your body from your brothers that day because I didn't want them to hurt, I kept a lot of people from you I kept you to myself..... I didn't want to have to share when it was so quickly going to be taken from me and I would never ever again get to hold you in my arms again. I was afraid people would never see the beauty I saw in you.
You never got the chance to know me from the outside and look into my eyes.  But one thing I know is that all you ever knew was love.  And you were born into our fathers arms before you were born into mine.
And while that has been earth shattering and life changing, what an honor to get to meet our Savior from the start.
You'll never know the pain from your dad and my divorce, or kids picking on you, a broken heart and all the painful things your siblings will experience.  But one day you'll get to face us all face to face and tell us such grand stories of Jesus.... Things from here we cannot even begin to grasp.

The pain I relive each year over the period of a week, is a way my heart and soul needs to connect with you, it's what we do to feel close when the memories are so far away.
It's painful to realize that your photographs are the only thing I have to keep the tiniest details alive in me. Time makes all these things fade no matter how hard I try to stop it.  I want to feel your weight in my arms again, and kiss the crook of your nose between your eyes like I did for hours the first and last time I held you.  I want to experience all over again what it felt like to run my fingers through your beautiful dark hair.  You were my only baby with that much hair.  I want to soak in your sweet baby smell. Your blanket I'll hold tight but the time and age of 7 long years fades your baby smell right off of it.

I find joy more often than not anymore, and I live in a constant hope of trusting our Father that there will be a day when I get to spend forever with you and all the wonder I deal with now will fade.  Our time here on earth is a blink of an eye in Heaven.  And someday my sweet boy none of this will matter.
I am 7 years closer to you Little Man, each year as I go another year without you and without the memories is just one more year I am closer to forever.

I am so proud that God chose me to be your mom Ethan.  It's a hard thing to be chosen for, but little man you've changed lives, and God has forever changed mine because of you.  I couldn't be more proud of one of my children than I am of you.  Your life has saved so many others because of the Hope your life has taught so many.  That's the point of life to point others to HIM.
So my sweet boy, "Good job faithful servant!" and until we meet again I will forever love you with a love I've never known and a love I wouldn't trade for the world.

We will sing, have cake and celebrate your short life tomorrow,  let balloons soar up to the Heavens because your brothers and sisters can't wait to have our time celebrating you.  You will always be a part of us, the fabric of your life in intertwined with ours.  Your name will never cease coming off our lips.  Happy Birthday my sweet boy.  I love you so very much and I hope Papa tells you all about His love for you which will forever far exceed ours.  But I hope he tells you lots of stories about us, and gives you big giant hugs from us.  Please give HIM one for me.

27"For this boy I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him. 28"So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there.

21He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." 

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