Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Just when you think

you have a grip on life, well it all changes.

I have managed for months to be strong, and to keep it together inside and out.  I did so well.  That is until today I realized that I am now about 3 weeks away from the 2 year anniversary of Ethans death, learning of his death and the day he came silently into this world.

I feel crushed beyond belief.  I am sad, angry once again.  But I am trying with all my might to just hold on and know soon this feeling will go away for a few again.

But for now I guess I will stay crushed, I will absorb those feelings and just ride it out.

A quote from a good friend Jennifer "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's mearly a band aid and sometimes the wound bleeds through..."

I cannot believe two years ago I thought I would be bringing home a baby soon, and that I would be able to change his diapers, cuddle, kiss him and watch the amazement of life through his eyes.  I thought my family was going to be complete.

I was not prepared for the diaster my life was going to take on.  I sat by not even a year before and watched my friend deliver her son silently into the world.  And I thought if I was careful and I mean really careful.  Checked his heartbeat like a freak, took really good care of myself and paid attention to movement.  That it wouldn't happen to me. 

Not because I was better than her, but because stuff like that doesnt happen twice especially when it happened to someone you were close with.  Believe me when I say, ignorance was bliss!

Stupid very very stupid to think that way.  Sure it can happen more than once and in fact it happens so much and the world is obvilous to it.

Almost two years ago I went through the most devestating, horrific, terrifying, life changing thing imaginable.  And yet here I stand, but somedays I wish I didnt have to.  Its really easy to be sad.  But its very hard to act happy when your heart is broken.

I wish I would have just let myself really grieve almost two years ago like I should have.  Instead of being so strong like everyone told me I needed to be.  I wish I could have accepted the help of my ob when she came over to check on me and let her just hold me the way she tried to, but I couldn't I was in so much pain and I was so angry.  I wish when she asked me if I wanted to die, that I could have said yes, I mean really who wouldn't.  Facing grief has been much harder.  Instead I sat there cold and frozen not taking in anything.

I guess the next few weeks are going to be another hellish ride through this journey.  I am bracing as best as I can, but it sucks.

I wish I could hold him, kiss his sweet nose, touch his teeny tiny little feet, and perfect hands.  I wish I could hear him cry even if it was for a second.  I wish I would be able to look into his eyes and see what color eyes he had, instead of just imagine.  I wish I could soak it all in just once more.

At twenty eight fast approaching 29 I thought for once in my life I had it all together, only too soon to realize how fast it would all come apart.

The first 26 years of my life were rough but managable to an extent and now I sit here trying to fit the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle of a life back together, but one piece is missing.  So how do you just feel complete when it can't ever be complete?  I guess that's where faith, hope and love fall into place.

Now I wrote the beginning of this yesterday while I was devesated and crushed but I knew today despite wanting to cry I needed to come back to it and find the hope I desperatly need and want.

This is not the club anyone wants to be a part of, too bad memberships are non-refundable.  No one wants to raise their hand and say they are apart of it.  But wait no I do.  Why? because I know that this problem will exist for many years to come. 

I don't want for infant loss to be taboo, I don't want women thinking they have to silently cry at night when the house is silent and no one is looking.  I want for each one of us to be heard, understood and cared for. And I really don't like that stillbirth is so overlooked and overshadowed.  It kills more than SIDS each year and yet no real research is being done.

I hate that my baby and anyone else's baby is not looked at as a baby but a fetus.  Darn it we held them, dressed them, they looked as each of us did when we started this thing called life.  Some call it morbid I call it healing.

I have had many miscarriages and each one of them hurt very much, especially this one I had last November.   I am still trying to find a way to honor that brief life.  To me each of these lives are a gift from God.

But something about holding a full grown baby, who looked just like his daddy and brothers and he even had my nose and dimple (which by the way I hate).  How do you just walk away from that?  I sure can't he was a part of me and he was suppose to make this part of our lives complete.

I guess that's why I write here, because I know too many of us feel this way and I want you to know you are not alone.

It sucks and I mean it, I understand wising for a day or two that the world would just stop because no one likes being on this rollercoaster especially when it feels rather lonely.  It's a ton easier when you have someone to hold your hand and say they have your back.

Well I have your back and it's ok to be mad, sad, angry and disappointed in the world.  And when you get back out of it I will still be here.

I will get through the rest of the day and tomorrow I will get to see someone who has my back, so just ride it out as I tell myself.


  1. Thinking of you and Ethan. Your are right, each of these lives are a gift from God. xo

  2. I don't like that infant loss is so overlooked either. People don't want to recognize it. We deserve to be heard!