Pondering

Two years kinda just came and went and the two year mark was much harder than I anticipated.  Somedays I find myself wrapped in complete joy and happiness and realize it and suddenly feel guilty.  But I have to remind myself that its ok Ethan would absolutely want me to be happy.

I am just sad we don't get to hear his laughter....

Somtimes I find myself sitting alone with a big open hole in my heart and I want to be rescued and other's I just want to be alone to grieve.

I guess when I think about this path and journey I am on yes I am forever grateful because without losing Ethan I would not know the people I know and I would not have this great desire to change the world.  Sure I can't make losing a child disappear but I can make it a little easier to bear.

Looking around sometimes I see glimpes of Ethan's life the one he should have and the one I am sure he does have. 

I am overprotective of his things because they cannot be replaced.

But I have had to learn to just let it go.  It's just an item but yes its hard.  A few days ago the dog (yes the pain in the ass, chew everything up one) got a hold of Ethan's giraffe that we bought for his 2nd Heavenly Birthday.  And well it didn't survive.  He has a hole in his head, a missing ear, tail and rather mangled.

It made me pretty sad at first and then I thought about it, its just a stuffed animal it's not Ethan, and had it been one of the other kids stuffed animals I wouldn't have been near as mad.  I am so not a stuffed animal person at all.  Hate the things.. they collect and take over the house.

So I let it go there was no sense in holding on to that saddness the stuff animal wouldn't bring Ethan back and it wasn't like it was his favortie stuffed animal that he wouldn't sleep without.  he simply didn't need it....I did or so I thought.

Now if it would have been the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital oh good lord you would have to lock me up.  I accidently washed the thing a few months after he was gone and I about wanted to die then.    It took months to let go of that anger, at myself, the hurt that it wouldnt smell like him anymore.  But in reality it would be ok.  But if it was gone that would be a whole other story.

Easter after we lost him my grandmother got all the kids a cake egg with a little sign with their names on it and she included Ethan, God bless her.  Well of course he didn't get to eat it and no I did not keep it I promise. But I did keep the little stick with him name written with icing on it.  Can't let it go no way no how.  It would feel like I am getting rid of a part of him.  Funny its just his name written in icing.  But "ah" it wasn't just that it was someone else writing my sons name and acknowledging him.
Sadly the icing is coming off too :)

Funny I was just thinking about it and it's kinda a reminder really the icing that is... It's like he is here but part of him is missing.  Since part of his name has suddenly disappeared.
It is those little things that we do have though that we can keep and feel like they are here with us.  That is the hardest part.  We collect things to fill that void or at least I do and I think I always will I want things and pieces of him here until I can be with him.

I have the candles from each Birthday so far, a few flowers from flower arrangements from friends this past birthday.  Just simple things I want to hold on it to fill that void.  I don't get to collect his school papers, dates of achievements, lock of hair so this will have to do.