Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life without him

Today I'm a mess
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow
But today I'm a mess I miss him.

Oh the rollercoaster we must ride the rest of our lives when we lose a baby who was never given a chance, but yet our hearts held so many dreams and future plans for them and us.

I have been doing very well knowing the purpose in Ethan's life. He made me a better me. More compassionate than ever, more willing which I didn't know was possible to step out on a limb for another human being. Wanting more than anything to live my life giving back. Not only did we find his purpose by him leaving us way too soon, but I found my purpose in life.

But still it HURTS.

I have sat most of the morning just wanting to sob and it came and won't let up.

I know life without him will forever be this way, most days up now but days like today catch me off guard and knock me over. I miss him I don't like life without him.

It's been a rocky yet amazing 2.5 yrs but today I am sad that i don't get to watch him stomp his feet demanding something, or that I will never get to hear mommy I love you. I want to see him and what he looks like.

In two and a half years memories are fading and I don't remember what it felt like to hold him, caress his skin, his smell, how it felt to kiss his sweet pure face.

I hate knowing this is just one of those days I kinda get to do this grieving part alone, and it will just have to pass. I cannot make it go away I just need to ride it out. Knowing tomorrow is a new day and that I will still miss him but it won't feel so bad.


  1. Angela, Hi. I just started reading your blog- mainly because you also live in CO. I haven't had time, ok I haven't had energy to read the entire blog, but do like what I have read. I’m sure Ethan would be happy with his purpose. Hoping today the pain is a little less. Elainna

  2. Hello,

    I found you through Faces of Loss. Ethan is adorable. I watched your slideshow and I bawled my eyes out. I lost my little boy too. I hope him and Etan are playing together.

    Hugs to You,


  3. Yep, all you can do is just ride it out. And I find days where it is hard for me to remember what she felt like. I have to really concentrate on going back to that day.

  4. Wow, Ange...I didn't even know about your blog. I stumbled across it through Butterfly Mommies. I clicked on it & saw your pic & thought "hey! I know her" Honestly, I'm sitting here just balling my head off now. I wish somehow I could grab you & hug you. And everyone else we've met along the way on this road. This road none of us knew existed & never wanted to have to travel on. I know what you mean about memories fading, I made it through the blog til I read that. It hurts. But Angela, you will hear Ethan say he loves you. I promise, it hurts so bad that we have to wait so long, but I promise we'll hear them say it, We'll kiss those sweet faces & never cry again.