Today I'm a mess
I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow
But today I'm a mess I miss him.
Oh the rollercoaster we must ride the rest of our lives when we lose a baby who was never given a chance, but yet our hearts held so many dreams and future plans for them and us.
I have been doing very well knowing the purpose in Ethan's life. He made me a better me. More compassionate than ever, more willing which I didn't know was possible to step out on a limb for another human being. Wanting more than anything to live my life giving back. Not only did we find his purpose by him leaving us way too soon, but I found my purpose in life.
But still it HURTS.
I have sat most of the morning just wanting to sob and it came and won't let up.
I know life without him will forever be this way, most days up now but days like today catch me off guard and knock me over. I miss him I don't like life without him.
It's been a rocky yet amazing 2.5 yrs but today I am sad that i don't get to watch him stomp his feet demanding something, or that I will never get to hear mommy I love you. I want to see him and what he looks like.
In two and a half years memories are fading and I don't remember what it felt like to hold him, caress his skin, his smell, how it felt to kiss his sweet pure face.
I hate knowing this is just one of those days I kinda get to do this grieving part alone, and it will just have to pass. I cannot make it go away I just need to ride it out. Knowing tomorrow is a new day and that I will still miss him but it won't feel so bad.