Wednesday, August 4, 2010

So much thinking

I think I am on total brain overload. For a few weeks I keep thinking about what to write but then I just can't write it out for one reason or another. I'm afraid others will be offended by what I say, what if I say it wrong? I shouldn't be because it's hardly the case usually.

I keep thinking we haven't done a single family picture since Corbin was born and actualyl the last one we did was over 2 years ago. I think I realized why I hate doing them. Ethan cannot be in the pictures too and it feels like he is excluded I hate it. But my goal is to do it the boys all deserve to have those memories to look back on.

Then this pregnancy is going well but I often find myself sturggling to breathe so to speak. One minute I find brief happiness to the next total panic that something is wrong. One morning I realized I hadn't felt this little guy more all morning and I felt the complete anguish from the day we lost Ethan set in. I was almost in tears I was so afraid.

Then I have to tell myself to let go and know those moments not days but moments are all I can have for now.

I had my ob appt a week ago and I just bawled. Thank God my ob is as great as she is she just sits and hugs me and gets it. I just told her how afraid I am and that I am really struggling with bonding with this baby the way I normally would.

I love him of course and I cant wait until he is here but then painc sets in and I am afraid to get close because I don't want to hurt again by him being taken too soon from us.

I am almost 25 weeks and I havent done a single thing really to prepare. Which is fine in the fact I have tons of time still. But the reason I can't is fear.

I dread setting up the nursery and I don't want to have to take it all down if something happens. But it more of this jinxing feeling I have. I am afraid that if I set the room up, hang clothes, buy something that like that he will be taken from us.

I feel sad and angry that I am robbed of a semi normal pregnancy. I want more than anything to be happy, carefree, and joyful but all those what if's just nag the heck out of me.

It hurts to know more than anything I want to love and hope the way I used to. I feel like a horrible mom for admitting that I am having a hard time bonding when I know I want him more than anything, but fear is just in the way. I try my best to push it aside and tell myself there is no guarntee but it will be worth it.

Then I wonder how much more crazy another loss will make me. I don't think I can handle more than losing Ethan and the 4 miscarriage I have had.


  1. Big Hugs Ang! I can't even begin to imagine what you go through, but I just want you to know that I am here and I care and love you... If you need anything you know where to find me! Love ya!

  2. Everything...every single word you said is exactly how I felt with Hope. I was so so terrified to just love her, yet I did so fiercely. I had the notion that the closer I got to delivering her the better I would feel but I didn't. All I can tell you with certainty is that God is writing this story just as He wrote Ethans. Some times as Mamas we want to have control over that & the sucky thing is we can't. We have to let go, sometimes through tightly clenched hands. But Ange it's OK to feel what you're feeling & know that you're not goin through it alone. You're loved, cared about & NOT ALONE. (((hugs)))

  3. I'm 23 weeks now and I felt the same fear until a few weeks ago. And even now, I still vasilate between fear and hope. I've read other mom's blogs who've said they too couldn't bond with thier babies so you are definately not alone. I pray you find some hope soon.