I find myself at a stand still this evening with grief... It just wont go away at least not that nagging horrible gut wrenching feeling at the pit of my heart.
I am so sad that I can't see him , smell him, touch him or hear him talk. I want to be chasing my three year old around. And I want to hear him talk, say "mommy I love you", something....heck anything.
Yeah sure I say why me? sometimes, but really I am thinking why anybody? This pain is unreal. It feels unreal and sometimes I feel burried.
I wish I could go back to the day Ethan was born and re-do most everything. I want to bathe him, dress him, take his clothes home with me. Take more pictures and hold him until they pryed him out of my hands. Stuff that people who have never experienced a loss would think was crazy. But those moments were all I will ever have and until my day comes I have to sit and live with all the what if's and should of's.
I wish nursing staff was more educated on helping families so that they dont not only go home empty handed but also a little less regret free.
I think my next goal is to find a way to get out there and let the nursing staff know what it is baby loss parents need and want. And how they can help.
Because I will tell you that my nursing staff stayed long enough to deliver my dead son and leave. I didnt see them again excpet a quick pop in and out to make sure I was breathing.
I needed more than that. I needed compassion, a hug, a tear or two.