I'd like to think of myself as a pretty strong person when it comes to watching television shows. But last night I was brought to my knees by an innocent show directed at teens.
The Secret Life Of An American Teenager captured the devestation, dibilitating reality of infant loss. More so of stillbirth.
Watching her sit in the hospital bed and crumble brought me back to where my life started and half my heart left me just 4 days shy of 44 months ago.
I felt my heart ache all over again. I felt that total suffication, and complete heartache as if it was me in that hospital room again.
I still sit in shock from time to time that this is my life, that I delievered a dead child, I buried him, and that there will always be something missing.
Reading comments on the fb page for the show just upset me more. I had to keep reminding myself that until it happens to you, you are totally clueless. And a lot of the posters are young teens who are uneducated.
I completly commend abc for writing a script most were uncomfortable with, that they showed that pregancy isnt always this cute chubby baby with a happy ending. And that there is sometimes a darker side and much harder reality to pregnancy than late night feedings, unconsolable babies, and partners that dont always stick around after the birth.
Instead the is a life changing, world shattering possiblilty in pregnancy. The thought of a dead baby made many of these posters upset and uncomfortable. Many made comments that were hurtful to those who are walking this lonely road. That almost always loss blindsides you. It doesn't matter if you took every single prenatal vitamin, went to every appt, watched what you ate and worked out. It just doesn't matter stillbirth does not discriminate. It happens to high class and low. And no matter who it happens to your not prepared to burry your child. It's not the natural order of life. Mother's and father's don't bury their children it should be the other way around.
The reality of loss is we didn't just lose a baby we lost our furture hopes and dreams. I had my sons room all set and hospital bags packed. My children called their baby brother by his name long before he was here. So now instead of counting fingers and toes, birthdays, milestones like walking, first tooth, first date, graduation, driving. We are sending ballons to heaven, and birthdays are filled with sad tears, we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. We don't get to sit and ponder over what cool Christmas toys they want, instead we sit graveside trying to decide which decorations are the best since that's all we can do.
I had to step back from time to time and sometimes I felt compelled to write back with some educational facts. Some were horrified at the thought of naming this dead baby, I had to remind them that naming the baby was one of the most healing things, that just because the baby died doesnt mean you dont still love them. Some of the people were posting how fake the reaction to the baby dying were. I had to tell them that when you are grieving you act like a different person, that people who arent directly involved with the baby would infact cry.
My only hopes are that ABC will continue to correctly portray infant loss and that in a few episodes they aren't just all better or over it. I hope they go through all those changes that happen in your life, all the different stages of grief.
I don't think for me I have ever really been angry. I have been sad, devestated, hurt, shocked and I think more than anything numb and in denial.
But last night anger came on stronger than I have ever experienced.
I was angry that this was the life picked for me, that my kids had to learn of such a raw loss so young. That until last night I was never so mad at my nursing staff. I was never so lost in my life as I was that day and yet I layed in my hospital bed alone, numb and it would of been nice to have the hand of someone who knew a few words of comfort, a counselor, someone to walk me thorugh all the things I could do with Ethan so that three years later I wouldn't have so many regrets as I do now.
But I found myself devestated at another not so happy ending.......