Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I miss him a little...... I lied I miss him a lot

This time of year always brings on so much emotion. This year I have taken on the task of making a memorial slide show of angels for the Infant and Pregnancy Day and as well as posting daily little bits of info about Ethan and facts.

I love doing it and not feeling guilty others may not want to read it..... But my heart aches more than usual because its a topic of discussion by many of my friends and many I consider family. I wouldn't trade it don't get me wrong. But it makes me miss him a lot.

This time of year is a constant reminder of something missing. The holidays will never feel quite right, because we are missing one of our family members. And when we go out and about we get tons of comments on the size or our family or whatever and I feel myself scream inside, I have another son you just can't see him.

I feel like no matter what I do will be good enough for my Ethan. And not because he wouldn't feel that way but because nothing will ever feel good enough for me other than to hold him, mother him and all the things you are suppose to do for your child.

I love facebook it's been so amazing to have all these connections to other moms and make new connections or rekindle old ones and share Ethan all over again. But its also heartbreaking.

I see new moms suffering this horrible gut wrenching, heart stopping pain from the beginning and I feel so helpless for them and then I am almost brought to my knees with the pain all over again.

Sometimes it feels so long ago I held my baby and I kissed him. I don't think I ever said goodbye but in my heart it felt like goodbye then. And other times it feels like yesterday, when I was on my way to the hospital to hear the devestating world changing news, "I'm sorry we don't see any cardiac activity.

It was a slap in the face, punch in the gut. "Here carry this baby for 8.5 months, make a place for him in your heart and home and prepare yourselves for a lifetime with this baby...Just so it can be all taken away".

And yet now I know how truly blessed and enriched my life has become since losing the most scared part of your life.

But sometimes like tonight it doesn't feel so blessed it feels crappy, rotten and unfair.

My dearest Ethan I love you always and forever and until we meet again know I love and miss you.

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