Sunday, December 18, 2011

I get it........

I think one of the worst parts of being a parent who's lost a baby, is how incredibly alone you feel. You can sit in a room with a hundred people and still
feel so alone.

I get that......

I get the screaming from the pit of your very being that your baby died....

That you just want one more minute to cherish and soak in every possible ounce of your child.

I get how angry you are at God. I've been there, I've cursed at him, I hated him and what he allowed to happen to me was unexcusable.

I get feeling like you failed your child. You didn't save them, you didn't protect them, and it was your #1 job.

I get that you wish people would just say your childs name. Think of them and help keep their memory alive. No matter how many months, years pass by.

I get how crushed you feel, how life no longer has any meaning.

I get the despair you feel, I too still almost 4 years later feel it.

The Anger, Hurt, Dissappointment, Abadonment from God, friends and family, the fear of lifes possibilties now.

I get how you just sit around waiting now for something else to happen, because you now know that you are no longer immune to such tragic pain. Usually its stories of people losing their babies not anyone you know, and now you are one of them.

I get how losing a child feels like a life sentence, because in reality it kinda is. And the cost is a broken heart for life.

I get how seeing other peoples babies, children around your childs age is a stab in the heart. The "I should have that". I have a hard time still with this.

I get the asking, "why does that person have a baby and they can't take care of him/her, but I don't have my baby", "why on earth would God allow people to have babies when they kill them, hurt them, throw them away of give them up, but again I don't have mine and we wanted him/her more than anything"

I get the whole..... I would rather die than feel this pain for one more day.

I also get the, if I smile, laugh or be happy it will hurt my baby. He/She will think I have forgotten them.

The anger that comes up when people make comments such as, "God needed another angel", "maybe there was something wrong with them", "God did it". No matter what anyone else will tell you it doesn't make the pain go away, and no matter what the reason may be it will not make the heartache vanish.

I get the need to feel joy again too!

I guess all I am trying to say is as lonely as it can feel out there in this world to lose a baby you are anything but alone.
I get you, your feelings, hurt, anger, and need to make a way through this lifetime. You are NOT alone.

Even if you can't feel, hear or see God along the way. Which I can tell you he never left me. I may not have felt it, or even wanted to feel it for that matter. He never left. I know in my heart he was in that room with us crying when we lost Ethan. He wanted nothing more than to make our heartache go away.

But if you don't feel him, need him now, or care about him. You are still not alone. The community of baby loss is so wide and so amazing. You don't have to do it alone and you don't have to feel bad for any of the things you are feeling.

I still sit in awe that here in 8 weeks it will be 4 long, lonely, crazy, joyful, amazing, winding years since I said hello and goodbye all at once to my son.

I can't believe I went from, I cannot believe my God would allow such a hurt in my life when I have been faithful to him to God thank you for allowing me to be Ethan's mom and allowing me to find a greater plan in his death.

I still miss him so much it hurts, and so much it can bring me to my knees. Sometimes I still tell the Lord how wrong it feels. But he can take it, he knows my heart. In my despair and darkness he is there, I don't even have to tell him all that's inside he knows it.

Someday I will hold Ethan's hand, and it will be so incredible to be with him then. Our lifetime is just a few moments for them in Heaven.

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