Saturday, December 3, 2011

Saddness lurking

I have had my fair share of ups and downs lately, some regarding Ethan and some just general loss. It hasn't been easy but I guess eye opening to an extent.

I see so many moms hurting right now though.

Moms who have no children living and desperatly want a little one to love and hold in their arms not just their hearts.

I wish there was something I could say or do to lessen that burden. But I know all too well it can't. But I do wish peace for all families who are sitting in despair in their beds, not wanting to face the day, or people on the streets or family even for that matter.

I have come to learn even our own family can try to push back their own emotions and saddness.

I am not trying to defend anyone who ingores us, or our children who we so badly want mentioned or acknowledged. At all so please don't just hear that.

What I am saying however is, our loss is so unique, no one can get it unless they have experienced it and even then its so different.

When we lose our child(ren). We face a whole new way of approaching life and people. Our tolerance is minimual to say the least. We lose Grace towards others and patience in the petty things we see in life. Nothing will ever compare to us with the loss of a child. Rightfully so I must agree.

But I know for me, my family doesn't mention Ethan often, but I know they think of him. I think sometimes they don't bring him up in fear they will make a good day go bad or they will make a bad day go worse. They don't get that we want and crave that so much.

But I also think this is the hard part for us. Learning to extend grace to our families. They have not only experienced the loss in a grandchild, but in a way their own child.

They can't fix us, and just as we as moms feel it was our job to protect our baby and most of us feel we failed. So do our families especially our parents. They can't take our pain, and they can't do a darn thing but sit back and watch us suffer.

I have to imagine as a parent that, that is so crushing. We want nothing but to scoop up our children and hold them and make it go away. They can't do that.

So instead they take a step back and try not to bring the subject up. It might be uncomfortable for them and they don't know how to deal with their own pain regarding the loss. That doesn't mean that it's ok and this will just magically make everyone feel better when their baby is being forgotten.

But I guess I have had been forced to learn how to accept. That no one loved Ethan like I did. They don't get it and it scares them.

Does it mean I don't still hurt sometimes? Oh absolutely not. No one in the family writes Ethan a note for his stocking. I don't know why, it hurts but I can't make them love him like I do.

I guess maybe we really do have to be the big person here offer grace and walk away. I do suggest writing a letter to whom ever is hurting you by not acknowledging your baby though. Sometimes our words when hurting and confronting this situation don't mix well or come out right. But a letter may just be the ticket. Spill it all out, what's the worst that can happen?

I hate that a time of year that should be so joyful are so painful for many of us.

I still do not have any decorations up, no tree and I know I have to. 5 kiddos are counting on it this year. But I have no interest, and typically it takes awhile to find it during this time of year.

I know for me the hard part is knowing one is always missing. And I miss him so much. What he would look like, be like, the toys he would like, his personality. I miss the not knowing, the guessing which I can't seem to do. My kids all look alike so that's all I can go off of. But yet they are all so different. I feel cheated I don't get to see his uniqueness.

Be patient with yourself and pray that God will wrap his arms around you, he will walk you through it all and you will not be alone. And know he has NOT forgotten. He knows all our pain, and he loves our babies while they wait for us.

1 comment:

  1. I so agree with your statement about loving Ethan b/c I feel the same way. No one loved Carleigh like me. I knew her the best. For all those months she basically only knew me.