I was thinking about a few things the other day and was one how Iv made it to where I am with Ethan's loss, how/what things helped me succeed in becoming a person able to cope with this loss. There are people who just seize to exist after a loss such as this.
Well Iv known since day one that wasn't a choice. I have other children who need me. But I did find myself not to long ago just wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I loved my other 3 boys, but I also find myself longing very much for Ethan. My heart can become so heavy I feel its ripping at the seams at times.
I hated being in that place sitting and starring at a bottle of sleeping pills thinking what if I could make all this pain go away. It scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed to talk to someone. I knew that if I let if fester inside me that there was a possibility the pain would become too much and one moment could change everyone's lives around me.
Then I thought about what I found more comforting that anything. Its the comfort of touch.
If you've seen the commericals on tv I think its a diaper commercial but its the setting of a hospital with a brand new baby crying and the nurse touches the mom's shoulder, and then the mom touches the baby and the crying stops.
It then clicked. A few weeks ago I saw my OB Allison whom I'm very grateful for. Out of nowhere she hugged me and gave the the tightest, most comforting hug Iv had in a long time. She didn't have to do that, but she also didn't have to grab my hand as I left and give it a tight squeeze, but she did.
I'm amazed at the power of touch. It speaks volumes, even if not a single word is said by the other person.
It says "I'm here", "I care", "your important". All the things we want people to say to us, but sometimes they just don't know how to.
I think the other day when I hugged the mom from my session this all clicked even more. I could tell her a million times over and over how much I care, how much my heart is breaking for her, that I understand etc.. and I think the hug I gave her more than likely said all of that and more.
Instead a perfect stranger reached out and hugged her. I gave in return a tight hug. My eyes welling up with tears for her.
Its profound, empowering, practical, genuine its says everything you want to say but aren't sure how to.