Friday, October 9, 2009

Healing can happen and it does

I think the roller coaster I experienced a few weeks ago was some what natural not all of it I'm sure. But I'm sure it will happen again but on a much lower level. This is the new "normal" we will all have some days really high highs and others really low lows.

I feel so much better actually and feel like a difference in my life has come from this all. I think I can accept what has happened and make some changes because of it.

I think admist grief as we have to experience we do not see the changes that we have made or the fears we have conquered. So I'm going to take the time to take in all of those things.

I never thought any of the things below I would ever be able to do after losing Ethan I thought life as I knew it was over. Sure Iv now molded into the same person with a bigger heart, more aware that tomorrow is not a guarantee, that I want to accomplish more in my life time than may even be possible. But I'm still me...

After losing Ethan I have been able to accomplish.....

*Getting over panic like attacks

*Get of the fear that I would die or my kids would, sure its going to happen someday, and maybe not in the order that life should be. But I'm not fear stricken over it now, and I'm not paralyzed by this fear.

*I'm learning to deal with my new life. Ethan is gone and I cant get him back Iv spent 18 months of endless begging for that. Now I know the question is now what? And that is a hard question. I mean really we don't want to think of now what? we are stuck in why me? But really I'm able to think now what am I going to do to make a difference and Honor Ethan's brief life?

*I'm now able to look death in the face and be a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and honor all of these little Angel's. Sure it can be hard but I think for me its part of the grieving process and its giving Ethan's life some meaning and value. Really I would not be doing this had Ethan not be chosen for me to carry next to my heart and love. I'm helping other mom's through their grief and I'm able to hold their hands while they get through the toughest part of the journey.

*I faced the biggest fear of sitting in the same room with someone who doesn't agree with the way we love Ethan. And I'm ok with him not understanding, he can't and I don't expect him to. That I think is a hard one. we never want to face another human being telling us our child isn't exactly who we think they are. We expect the world to understand, respect and live in the chaos we are. But Iv sense learned its ok he doesn't know Ethan and he doesn't love him, he has never lost a child so the level of understanding is going to be so different. I still think we deserve to be respected by others who have not gone through such a loss. But I am able to write it off if not and know I don't ever have to see that person again.

*I realize the importance in today and nothing else. I cant be sure tomorrow I will be here or that I wont lose someone else I'm very close to. But I can make sure for today that I let those people know I love them and the difference they are making in my life. I can try just for today and everyday that follows to be a better me.

*I love God again and I hated him 19 months ago. I mean I really hated him and I hated myself for hating him and questioning him. But I now have a much deeper relationship with God and I know someday I will get to meet my son again and hold him. I was baptised this year a huge move for me.

*Because of Ethan I am able to transform my life for the better and I'm not sure without him I would have taken the steps to do that.

The list could go on and I will add to it as time goes on but these are things that we should be proud of. And not let our grief cloud.


  1. Not because you wanted to but oh how you have grown. I am very proud of you. We know it's not over but knowing what you have accomplised so far will certainly give you strength when your hit with sadness. I pray for your comfort.
    Working for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a huge gift from your heart and I know that you are helping people during their time of need.

  2. Thank you so very much for taking the time to say something. Your right I dont want to grow but its part of the process and an amazing one at that.

  3. Sorry, I have not been over here to read this before today Ang. You know that I think you are an amazing person and a wonderful mother, friend and wife. You are going to have your good days and your bad days. I am sure for the rest of your life. But you are choosing to take this tradigidy in your life and make something wonderful out of it. You are here to support other mothers in their time of pain and grief and able to show them that life does go on. Its not easy and some days are down right shitty, but you are living proof that it will be ok. I love you and I am proud of you, every single day!

  4. Angela - Thank you for sharing your blog with us on the Faith's Lodge page. I've had a chance to read through just a few of your posts, and I'm struck by this refreshingly honest account of your grief journey. Know that there are others who are walking on this journey with you...and we are here for you, just as your words are helping us.

    Thanks again.
    Angie Andresen

  5. Thank you Angie and Kristen its nice when I get comments letting me know people are listening, its comforting