I've done 4 sessions for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this week so far in a short 4 days. My grief counselor doesn't think its a good idea to take on so many and after our talk yesterday 2 came in today. I couldn't say no when my heart was screaming yes. So I did one of them the other I would of if I had a sitter for the boys.
I'm so so glad I went to the one today. A young girl with her mom. Sweet adorable baby girl, I held her, I caressed her skin and told her goodbye and how sweet she was.
I hugged the mom, the grandma and the friend. Iv never been hugged so tight in my life. I cried when I hugged her.
I connected with the nurse she was a sweet person as well her name was Allison and I have to say I only wish I would have had a nurse like that when we lost Ethan. This lady was amazing. I saw the tears in her eyes as we left the room.
Then as I left the tears came. I'm so angry for her why does this have to happen? I could see the love and devastation in her eyes. I could see her screaming on the inside.
Iv cried off and on all night. I'm just so upset this has to happen. Most of the sessions Iv done are 95% of them anyways are all boys. And here this perfect, warm little baby girl so beautiful taken before she could bloom here on earth.
My heart is heavy tonight. But it felt so good to connect with this mom. I told her its a roller coaster ride and Id be lying if it went away. It never does we just learn how to get through the days a little easier.
I told her to not fight her grief to go with the flow. Cry, scream, be mad etc. She deserves to have all of those feelings and not fight them.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I love Ethan to death and he is bringing beautiful people into my life. But it sucks that it has to happen like this.