Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let me take 1 step forward while I take 1,000 back

Whew this week has been a week.

2 weeks ago we found out we were expecting again. And the shock set it right away. After we had Corbin we had decided we were done and well I decided after many mixed emotions that maybe this little one was coming to shake up our world a little more for the better.

See even this this came very shocking to us we took it in stride not believing in abortion, and no way on earth could we give him/her up. We did what we believe is best step up and raise this baby. Our kids are more than cared for and this little one would have all the love in the world. I do believe that sometimes things come to us when we aren't looking for them.

Then the fear set in. Can I really go through this roller coaster of emotions again? What if? How? If I get happy something will happen!

Sunday afternoon after a trip to grocery store I came home and discovered I was bleeding. My heart sank right away and I knew in my heart that it was over as fast as the joy came. I'm now left with all these mixed emotions right now.

In the end we wanted this baby so much. And to hear my husband say this broke my heart even more! I feel like a failure one of the easiest most beautiful things on earth my body just cant seem to do right.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Things I already know the answer to but I'm in that pit of grief all over again. Its taking every fiber in my body to not collapse in pain.

This past 18 months has been more of a hell than I can describe. Sure my life has been enriched with many blessings and as I stated in my last blog I wouldn't trade Ethan to have my life back.

But allow me to wallow in my grief for a few.

My body is not back to normal at all right now and I sit here pondering all of this, and why my life is taking this turn.

How do you stay on top when it feels like every time you get up you get knocked back down?

All the pain my body is in reminds me of the way I came home from the hospital without Ethan. Empty handed, but yet so sore. Milk with no baby to feed. A bag full of papers and empty arms. The lovely phantom baby kicks all to remind yourself your baby is gone.

The joy in realizing Corbin would have a sibling close in age like the older two were and they have been best friends. Only to realize its all gone now.

The pain in knowing pregnancy sucks. The innocence is now gone. There is no time line in telling people anymore. Now its not that 12 weeks is the safe telling point, instead do you wait until your in the hospital?

So much emotion and only so much room in my heart for this pain.

This little one would have been named Emma Rae or Allison Rae and we were thinking maybe Colton Ray for a boy (using the male version of Rae).
Rae is after my beloved therapist, who has helped me in more ways than I can even say. I owe her so much and will forever be indebted for her compassion, love, faith, trust, understanding and tears. I know to some its a little strange to name your child after a therapist but this woman has been my rock and without her I really don't know where I'd be.
If we chose Allison it would have been after my OB would has been my god send through the past almost 3 years. I can't imagine not honoring both of these women.


  1. My name is Ali, and I have just began following your blog. I want you to know I am so sorry and am here for you in your time of need; I understand all of what you are going through, I lost my 18 month old son (just shy of 17 days) a year ago. And about a week ago we got two faint positives and then I started bleeding, with massave cramping too. It is a heart break all over again.

    I am here for you if you need me, Ali. <3

  2. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that after you began to hope that they were dashed. ((hug))

  3. I am so very very sorry....

    There is nothing more unfair or heartbreaking to me than loss after seems so....


  4. Angela,
    I am so sorry you are on this roller coaster. But going through what we are all going through, I think it is inevetable. I want to get pregnant so bad, yet I know I'll be so scared...for the same thing. Wish I could take it away for you. Sending you hugs,