Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Today has been a very eye opening day, and I am learning this thing called life is rough.

Today during a stressful emotional conversation online with "friends", someone had said to me that I was "consumed " with the loss of Ethan.

I was very hurt then even more hurt when someone who knows not a dam thing about me said that I am just bringing up my feelings to "get attention".

Well first of all i understand that the consumed part may have came across wrong but the second part stung bad to the point I cut these women out of my life.  I had decided at that one moment I didn't need them and I was tired of feeling like I have to ask people to give a shit about me.  Or to bring Ethans name up in conversation or even a quick note along the lines of "hey I know February is a rough month for you so I wanted you to know I was thinking of you".

It's amazing to me to look at people and listen to the complain about things that seem so insignifant to me.  But I never turn away and I always listen.

(It has also been brought to my attention that I used the wrong wording here by saying listen to others insiginficant problems so I will clarify, what I mean is through the days, weeks, months and years since Ethan has been gone I have listened to people complain about a lifestyle that they wanted and agreed to, or things going on in their lives that seem less important.   I guess that does not mean they are not entitled to feel as they do but to me life styles you chose are your choice I did not chose to burry one of my children.  I was litterly trying to be a good friend were still around for these people right after losing Ethan because I needed them and I wanted them to know I cared about.  Ass backwards yeah probably.  But that is me everyone before myself.)

But when I heard those very words of being consumed and looking for attention my heart jumped and I felt competly out of control.  All I could think of is "Be dam glad it wasn't you that had to burry your child".  Not that I would wish this on anyone because I wouldn't, but for a few minutes I felt like I was under attack and being judged.  Even if I was consumed don't I have the right to be?  Yes I do or at least so I am told I do have that right.  As long as it's healthy comsumption which mine is.

Harsh yeah ok maybe a little.  But harsh I felt I was being ganged up on by 5 or more women who I thought were my friends to learn later after I left the group that I had been banned.  Ok really is this high school?  I left so banning me was to prove a point.

I didn't know by simply stating that I have been hurt that some of the people I thought would stand by me through the years and remember my son had totally walked out on me.

Now I will say these women were incredibly generous with their hearts, financial aspect etc in the weeks and months after Ethan's death.  I think what hurt the most was I thought these people wouldn't be the people that I would have to ask to please keep Ethan's memory alive with me.  I shouldn't have assumed but I did.

I know I was being a bit senstitive and I said I was to blame more times than I can count.  But really I felt like it became a kick you while your down thing.  It was me against them, because I felt one way and the rest of them all felt the same way.

It really sucks that through losing a child you learn who your true friends really are.  I have been told multiple times by some of the people who havent lost a kid that they just don't get it, and you know what I get that too.

A year prior to losing Ethan my friend lost her son, and I had no idea how she felt but I could imagine and I still called all the time or messaged her to check on her.  I havent forgotten important anniversarys because I imagined that those were important to her.

But today I was told they didnt want to bring it up because it was personal.  My point in bringing this out isnt to trash talk them but rather to bring to light the saddness we feel as childless mothers/fathers.  (ok it has been brought to my attention that I am not a childless mother and I stand corrected I am not childless but I am missing one of my children)

Personal or not if you are our friends you will help us remember our child.  Not because you have to but because you know how much it means to us, and just my opinion but friends just do that type of thing.

I have said since day one that my biggest fear is no one being there to help me remember Ethan, and sadly it has come true to an extent.

It hurts more for people to ingore my son that to take the chance bringing it up may be a little painful.

It really sucks that they think we have this new group of parents with Angels who get us so they are not needed.

I am at fault for not just flat out saying hey I need xxxx, but I also did say that many of times on the wonderful world of facebook which we are all a part of I even sent messages.  And at Christmas time I even wrote on the message board that if anyone could find the time to write a little letter to Ethan, us as a family, just me whatever that I would love that.  And I only had two people reach out to me. 

I guess its not quanity but quality I just was bummed.

I have also been told that this is my loss and I need to realize all that matters is I remember, and I guess all I can say to that is...this is where you dont understand.  I have had 5 miscarriages and I thought it was horrible to find out the hard way.  Now each of my miscarriages mean something to me dont take it that way.  It hurts and its hard but something about having to birth my dead child, pay for a funeral, touch and caress his features, to see him and feel him and hold him.  That's where it gets harder.  Some may say I'm lucky because I got that chance.  And to you I say we will never know which is harder.  Until we walk in eachothers shoes no one knows.  I have had both and if someone said pick miscarriage or stillbirth I would pick a miscarriage.  Only because I know what I know now and this is much harder than any of my miscarriages were.

This does NOT mean that if you have had a miscarriage that it can't be the most painful thing to you.  It's your grief and your pain this is mine.
I never really thought my friends would walk out, but I guess the saying goes "God doesn't close one door without opening another".  I guess I will just have to wait and see what that door is.

1 comment:

  1. Yes. You really DO find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan. When I was 15, I found myself pregnant. I wasn't the kind of sleep around girl that tends to pop into peoples minds when they think of teen moms. I was in love. I had sex. once. I got pregnant.
    Suddenly, the popular girl who was nice to everyone...was an outcast. a leper. As if pregnancy was contagious. Funny really, considering that every single friend I had was more reminiscent of rabbits than of teens. In fact, they had taunted me for TWO years (yeah...I said two. As soon as I hit 13.) about being a virgin.

    So. . .I had my baby. I made a point of being the best mother I could be. No one thought I could do it. But, I'm not one to cooperate with statistics. He's now almost 20. TWENTY years have gone by...and people still do the math in their heads when they find out I was a young mother. And they judge me for it. Even though I've been married for 15 years. Even though I'm a GREAT mother. Every time I had a miscarriage (I've had 3) "friends" would dissipate. When my eldest son suffered a serious brain injury from a freak bike accident....my closest "friends" stopped coming by. Again...as if head injuries were contagious and would infect their little ones. I pulled in to my studies at the university even harder....I continued to get A's. And I was a GREAT mother through it all.

    I am the kind of friend that sees something that reminds me of a person...and drops it off, just because. I leave loaves of fresh bread and cookies hanging in baskets on door nobs...just because.

    I send little notes...just because. And ESPECIALLY when tragedy strikes. If a friend has a sick child--they call me to ask for advise. If they have behavior issues...they call me. If they have relationship or marriage problems...they call me.

    When I was informed that my womb had become a tomb, one friend stepped up. She had asked to be at the birth early in the pregnancy...she still wanted to be there. She was really there for me....at a time when I couldn't imagine ANYone wanting to be there. Hell...I didn't want to be there...why would anyone else???!!! But...she was there. She brought kumquats and lotion...and a smile. I was so grateful. My husband and I really needed that support. My neighbors watched our other boys overnight, and commented on what a unit they were. They were just ONE with each other....great kids. In spite of losing what they were so excited about...they were there for each other in a way my neighbor had never seen siblings act.

    10 months later: my friend has never called since the birth. (!) I've left messages...I got one email. A "Hi! How's it goin'?" kind of email. In fact...NOONE stops by...calls...offers to help out....NOTHING.

    I'm starting to think, based on my experience, that friends are only something you get to have if your life is just peachy. Everyone likes to laugh and smile and talk about OTHER peoples problems. They don't even mind whining about their own problems, but....share a problem...have a REAL crisis...and suddenly the word "friend" starts looking pretty thin.

    I don't mean to sound bitter. I'd be kind to any of my friends if I saw them. But, I'd also be real. They might see me cry.

    And I can tell....that's what they are avoiding. They don't want to see me cry. It makes loss, pain, and reality too close for comfort. it shakes their private worlds.

    My friend wanted to be there for the birth of death. . .and I think it was too much for her, and now, she avoids me like the plague. AS if I'm contagious. As if all the trauma in my life....will rub off on her.