Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Things we need our friends and family to know

The past few days I realized that maybe through this great thing called technology maybe I didn't communicate well enough about my needs to people I talk to online and not in person.  So I took the time to really sit and think about what I need and want from people in my life.  So here it goes...... (this list is complied from other Angel parents as well)

Please please above anything else if I only had one wish it would be to help me remember my child.  Granted he/she is not yours and you didn't know him/her the way I did.  But what I need is people to acknowledge he/she was here. 

If I cry don't worry that you have made me sad.  Tears are not always a bad thing, they help me feel close to my son and they are healing.  Just ask why I'm crying if my tears bother you.

Don't be afraid that by bringing him/her up you will ruin my day, make me sad or hurt me.  I want people to bring my child up more than anything.
Unless you have lost a child please dont tell me you understand because even parents who have lost a child may not understand.  Our losses are all unique, and please don't tell me it will get easier.  Yes time eases pain but the pain will always be there we just learn how to deal with our loss over time but that pain will still be there under it all.
Say my child's name now and then.  Don't just say your baby, he/she had a name.

Tell me your thinking of my child and/or me.

Don't tell me I should be lucky because I have other kids, I already know this but it doesn't make the pain less painful.  And having other kid's doesn't make it easier for me it feels harder.  I not only am dealing with losing one of my children but I also have to help my other children grieve.  And sometimes I wish I didn't have the extra responsibilty right now.  I would rather climb into bed and ingore the world but I can't.

Also don't tell me I can have other children.  First of all how do you know that ? and even if I can the next child will not replace my child.  My child was their own individual and no other baby will fill the void I will always have in my heart.

Don't try to come up with explainations as to why my child isn't here.  Things like he might of had something wrong with him, or God had other plans, he is in a better place, that I should be lucky I have the kids I already do.  These do not help but rather hinder my healing.  Even if there was something wrong with him does that mean I should love him less? or even if God would do such a thing doesn't mean that we didn't want him just as much.  I know you might be grasping at ways to help but a simple I am sorry, or Im here if you need me is all it takes.  And honestly a hug speaks volumes over words.

After the funeral everyone else moves on and I am left alone.  The loss of a child is already lonely and add everyone else moving on and ingoring me makes it much worse.

You may ask if I need something to just call, but really the last thing I will be able to do in the beginning is reach out.  You may ask more than once to sit and talk, go out etc and I may turn you down.  Please be patient with me I am learning to live again and I am still in shock.  Try a few more times and don't give up on me.

If we are having a conversation and your kids are bugging you please don't say anything along the lines of at least I won't have to deal with this or that.  I would give anything to deal with those things.

Please do not ever discount my child to me or my other children.  Don't tell them they are not big brothers and/or sisters regardless of how you think and feel.  This is our choice and the way we have chosen to go on as a family.

If you don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable just say that but that you want me to know you are thinking of me.  Something as simple as that is often much better than silence.

Also please know that as uncomfortable as you might be I am just as umcomfortable if not more so because everyone is uncomfortable and leaves me be.  This is new to me and and having someone to walk along side me and help me when I stumble, or cry with me when I cry will make a world of difference.  You may think bringing my child up will hurt me and I may cry.  I get that its hard for you but its harder to act as if my child never was.  I promise if I cry they will be tears of comfort and love, not because of anything you will do or say.  I'd rather have someone to sit with me and cry with me or just be there than to cry alone.


  1. Well said. That all is so very true for me as well.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss of Ethan. He is beautiful. Your video is gorgeous and made me cry.

    It's strange that the most people in my life who remember my Bailey and actually mention him to me are my work colleagues.

    Take care.

  3. I don't have time to read today but what I have read so far is wonderful. I may link to you in a post or send people over to read this.
    The world needs to know these things. Thank you for sharing these important facts.

  4. It's good to get a list like this out there for your loved ones.