Thursday, June 3, 2010

Loss and Living

It has been a heck of a few days and sometimes like these I sit and reflect others I cry. Yesterday was a crying day for sure.

Someone wrote to me and said " I'm always thinking of you. You inspire me to press on. This journey through grief is tough. And sometimes I get tired of putting on a good face when I'm dying inside, because I'm afraid other will judge me. But you're not. Your Bold and Honest and Unfiltered and Raw. It's refreshing. I wish I had your strength."

I sat for a few minutes and let it sink it because I am not very good with compliments at all especially when I feel so weak myself. And I thought yeah I feel pretty special that other's can look at me this way, despite me feeling weak and sorry for myself.

Grief flat out sucks, its hard and it can really suck everything you have out of you. Most of the time and especially in the past I have been known to put on a brave face and say I'm ok when I feel I'm dying inside. Usually because of lack of healthy grieving I was allowed while growing up. I was always taught to supress emotion that it was no good and so I lived in fear of being told I was wrong or that other's might find me odd.

But with some things have been able to be raw, unfiltered, honest and I guess bold. Mostly with Ethan but now Im learning to be all of that with everyday things. But it's sucks sometimes because feel vunerable.

Even with Ethan and those things. I shared some pictures the other day and someone found it offensive and I was taken back because it was another photographer and I guess I never in a million years thought one of my own colleagues would judge and find my son in that way. So I was taken back and I wanted to go back to before I showed his pictures.

But realized I had a choice and that I didnt need that relatonship anymore. That I was an adult I was allowed to be hurt those were my feelings and I owned them. So I cried and I shared my feelings and moved on.

But sometimes being unfiltered, honest, and raw are so hard. Things like the relationship with my father. Here is a man who has walked in and out of my life from the age of 15. And every single time I fall back into being a little girl wanting a dad so bad that I have let him hurt me. Until recently.

I wrote to him and explained my feelings and how hurt I was and what t was I needed now and what i was willing to take. And I got a response that brought me down at first until procesed it and my friend was right. He can't be emotionally healthy so he couldn't have possibly given me the response that would have brought closure. But I was hurt by the lies and I was also taken back because all I ever wanted was to be heard and I felt so far from that.

But I guess maybe in his own way he did say he heard me or at least I hope so. But this is the hard part sticking to my word and not allowing him to bring me down and finally at almost 29 accepting the loss of my father.

He can't and probably won't ever be anykind of father to me. Not because he doesn't want to necessarly but because he doesn't know how. He has spent a lifetime in a very unstable, unhealthy enviroment. So I guess maybe it's best to know that the lack of a father verse having him as he is is better for me and for my kids.

I think I have accepted that for the most part it still hurts but more than anything the constant loss in my life is what hurts the most. It's knowing I was robbed I guess of so much growing up and how I turned out how I am I don't know.

So I guess thank you to my friend who said those kind uplifting words to me today I needed to hear it not even knowing I needed it. I guess being all of those things is good because I am inspiring others to be the same.

But to her I say it's not easy and you will be judged but I guess at some point I made the choice not to care so much. And I will be here for you too. I won't judge and I'll listen to you.

1 comment:

  1. What kinds words said to you. I know what you mean about not feeling that way. People have said similar things to me. I don't feel brave, or strong, or inspiring. I'm just me trying to get through this journey.

    I'm sorry about your father and it didn't go how you wanted.