Monday, June 14, 2010

Here and there

The two and a half year mark is quickly approaching fast. Its amamzing how quickly we forget somethings and yet those other things are forever engrained into our heads and hearts.

Twenty nine months ago I thought for sure I would never be the same, that my life was over or at least the one I had always known. And in retrospect yup it is. But its not over it just began that long ago.

I never thought I would be able to get past being angry and bitter. That I would always hate God and that I would just crawl into a hole and die. I think part of me did die but I also think a part of me was born again.

A part I never knew existed. A part where my heart was filled with a love and compassion beyond measure. Sometimes it hurts because I feel like my heart could burst.

I recently did a session for a family who lost their first baby and then I got a voicemail from a mom, who was giving me some information for a slide show and in her message her broke down upon the mention of her Angels name. It was then my heart felt that way. I knew what she was feeling the anguish, pain, raw heart wrenching pain at that. The longing for her little girl.

Then we chatted and it felt so good to be able to tell someone that it was ok to break down and be able to give some guidance on something that I don't think there really is a pratical book for.

Since a year ago I have been so honored to be apart of something bigger than I can ever achieve on my own, and forget all of that anyways. But without having lost Ethan I would have never been on this path.

And I have made some of the most amazing friends because of it. I am able to be more authentic with myself and others, and at the same time be able to help someone walking this lonely path.

So I guess what I am saying is I know that in the beginning of this journey everything was so confusing, raw, painful and seemed un-imaginable even though I was going through it. I thought it would never end and that I was going to suffocate from pain.

But it does change, it doesnt get easier. I could never use that word. Because saying my child is gone, dead, in Heaven etc will never get easier. Looking at the devestation, horror and loss for words in strangers faces will never get easier.

But it does channel differently. My arms will always ache, I will always have my rollercoaster down days, I will still sob and want Ethan here with us and there will always be a milestone we didnt get to watch with him.

No one could have prepared me to lose a child, not then and not even now being through it. But if someone would have told me that I would be where I am twenty nine months later, I would have looked at them like they were crazy and I would have shook my head in disbelief.

But it does and will happen. I was there and I am still here now.


  1. That is beautiful. It is wonderful to hear how far you have come. ((HUGS))

  2. Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine what it will be like for me a few years from now as I only feel the part of me that has died. So, it's good to know that you feel born again in some ways, maybe I will too.

  3. Even a year later I can say it is 'easier' so to speak. It lets me know that as the years go by it'll keep getting better.