Monday, November 28, 2011

Tidal Waves ~ crashing

I have fully surrendered to him right now, it's obvious I haven't been able to do it alone in 30 years. So I can't possibly now right?

You will need to mute the music player at the bottom of my page to hear this amazing song.

In church we sing this song and it is a favorite HUGE favorite of mine. This week I cried the hardest I have ever cried in church, every word Jim spoke was melting in my heart because it was so very fitting to my life. And I need God more than ever. No I am not drowing right now, my head is above water for now and I don't feel like I am sinking as I was a week or so ago. But I still feel weak and vunerable and I am dreading the holidays a little bit.

There should be 6 stockings hanging on the wall, and a photograph taken Christmas morning with 6 children not 5 holding their brothers photograph. I should be wrapping gifts for 6 and knowing what Ethan wants so much this year, and I remain clueless. I don't know what he looks like and what he would be like.

I miss all that, yet I know he is still there with us, sitting in the arms of Jesus, watching the glorious lights from above.

If you are a parent of a child who left too soon, we started a tradition a few years ago where we ask family and friends to please write a little letter to Ethan or all of us and we stuff it in his stocking and read them Christmas morning. The first year was rather emotional reading all of these amazing tributes to Ethan, but yet so joyful that no one forgot Ethan. This will be the 3rd year for us and I am hoping to read some more special tributes to Ethan.

I am guessing it will get easier but not before it gets harder. I am going deep down where it hurts and really digging up this crap of cards I got delt that are suppose to make me more Jesus like.

Ok that sounded a bit scaristic. And it was I think my hardest struggle was hearing how God didn't cause the things to happen to us in life that have but he did allow them to and it made my stomach turn. Those "things" I have been through are to make me more Jesus like. And I have a hard time accepting that, I wasn't already so before being molested more than anything, my dad walking out on me... I am at better terms with that as we speak but then take my child from me. I don't get all those things. My life was wrecked the day the molesting began, and now losing a child. I guess I just don't really see the purpose and how that will make me more Jesus like.

Maybe because I am remaning true to God through it, ok not through it because I most defiently had a few not so nice talks with him and let God know how crappy I have thought he was through those trials in my life.

But I guess I need to learn more than anything to let go and know I can't make sense of the why's and how's of all of this. I think as I have said before it's happened and now it's not why and how but where I go from here.

Now I am nervous as I tackle this all more than I already have, and I am afraid I may become not so nice and nasty. But I guess time will tell. And I have heard "no one said it would be easy, but that it would be worth it".

So here it goes as the tidal waves crash and rest in my life.

1 comment:

  1. Angela, I owe you an apolgy for not visiting with you. I checked to see if I had you in a wrong folder because I hadn't seen any posts from you yet today I had your post in my reader. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry for the pain you must carry throughout your life. It is not fair. I have thought about you often and wondered if you still do NILMDTS photos. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers during this holiday season.