Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Healing is happening

I think I came to many many realizations today.

First off I fell asleep last night praying. I lay in my bed my head was as it has been the past few weeks a horrible mess. Emotions all over and complete frustration, that I have been unable to jump this hurdle. And I sat and told God, to please make a way for me to feel like I could breathe again, that the hope he offered and the comfort would be more near than ever and enough.

And somehow I fell asleep during this, which was the start. I haven't sat and prayed with God other than a little mumbled mess from time to time. I have felt unworthy and not whole in my own self to pray to him. There was a major disconnect, a missing connection I so desperately needed and wanted. But was slightly out of reach until last night. I think because my heart has been so crazy heavy and the voices, and tapes those old stupid tapes of everything I have ever been taught about myself or lead to believe were true or the enemy tried to make real played. Last night I was able to put those aside and let go, of those and know I needed him more than ever.

Then today when talking to a care pastor/friend/Godly sister much more than I ever imagined clicked.

My heart has been so incredibly heavy with the situation with my dad. I miss so much of having the love a child gets from their parents. I have always felt I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't loveable. That is until today.....

It's amazing when God is ready to put you through tough work he really makes things click and make sense and brings an amazing power inside yourself. And he also prepares you to deal with it.

This past week has been an emotional nightmare. I have hated every single minute of it. But I know now why it was happening.

When talking of my father or the lack there of, and having it put into perspective that he is broken and he has his reasons for staying away. maybe my dad hasn't been a dad because I remind of him of a painful past, or maybe because he sees my mom in me and that is too much or maybe even he knew that he couldn't do for me what he thought was right and the next best option was terminating his rights.

I came home and pondered about all of this, and how can I be upset with him for walking away full hearted when I am ok with taking on Zoey knowing it’s a much better life for her.

If he had been a part of my life maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be as I am now. And I may hate myself outwardly but inside I think I am pretty amazing and I know I can do even more amazing things. With the acceptance of these "things" in my life.

I may not have turned out not to be God fearing and Loving as I am now. Maybe without these things.... Lack of parents, being molested as a child for three years, and the ultimate losing my own child. My faith wouldn't have sky rocketed. I can assure you that until these things happened in my life God wasn't as present and I wouldn't have made it through without faith and hope. I am pretty sure without my faith and leaning on the hope God knew I'd get through, I would be down a different path of drugs and alcohol and a life of much darker stuff as the others in my life have turned to.

Losing Ethan changed so much for me. I don't think God made it happen but when it happened he allowed it and sometimes I would like to think maybe he thought, "maybe this is the push she needs to work those areas of her life that have been haunting her." Because until Ethan, I didn't work on the devastation my heart felt due to the lack of parents, and the destroyed sense of self due to being violated as a child.

Now I still have a long very long way to go with learning to really engage and love myself inside and out. To know I am so worth it, and to know I WILL make a difference in the lives of others. Not because it will be easy, it's going to SUCK. I know it will, but I can do it. Through him all things are possible, and I want this so bad I can taste it.

I want to be a testament of Gods will and promises. I mean... I am still here and that says something, I would like to think.

Maybe the suicide attempts growing up, the cutting, the eating disorders helped band aid the pain for a while, But I needed God and I needed him more than ever.

I can't wait to see what's in store and find out my purpose. Maybe that won't be till much later but I would like to think I know a little of it now.

And I have to say sitting across the room from someone with no motives other than to help others understand Gods truth, promises. And telling you things you may or may not want to hear, but offering that gentle nudge to push forward when you think you can't is pretty freaking awesome.

Having someone borrow you hope when you don't have any. And feeling like you belong to somewhere and someone. And maybe even more than someone is even more incredible.

And then the most amazing, praying for you when your strength is gone and you feel like you could literally fall to the floor, and they still wrap their arms around you. Speaks volumes for Gods awesome work.

I am absolutely blessed that God loves me that much and that he is still there even if I don't feel it. He sure didn't let me down this past week. And bringing Flatirons community Church into my life was a gift I so needed. As well as a few special people God put on my side and they know who they are.

I guess I couldn't ask for more. Just some courage and strength to make it through the rest of life and the very very hard rough patches that are sure to come and will come. And that amazing Grace he seems to have.

And his presence as we spend our first ever holiday alone for the first time. I have to make my little family all that counts right now.

And I have asked him for his courage, I signed up for Hope mommies retreat in February the weekend before Ethans 4th heavenly birthday in hopes I can connect with other moms with the hope god has provided. I am nervous and never been away from my kids alone let alone in another state with no one I know. But I know this could be a great blessing.

And I have been praying to God about the upcoming baptism and I want to burry the old broken angela to bring to light and life the one he wants me to be, and I will be asking a special someone to be apart of that as well. I've been baptised before but I think this time there is a much bigger signifiance. The whole burrying the old Angela whos worth was determined by all the things that I've been through or that have been done to me. I don't want that, those things have no worth they are not me. I want to have the symbolic gesture of I guess being brought back from the water with a new life of what God thinks of my and my value to him. And those around me who have my best interest at heart.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you have a wonderful time at the retreat. Lynnette Kraft will be there and I just love her so get a picture with her!! I wish I could go!