It's been a rough few days for me, they come in patches and I know this too shall pass. But in the mean time I am stuck in a crummy place.
I miss Ethan I miss the fact I will never fell quite whole again. Or maybe I will but today I don't.
Grief workshop started again and I feel raw again. Not that I hadn’t a few days prior. My emotional state has been a brewing mess all week, and frankly... my mind and Satan are winning right now.
I don't want them to of course, but it is in fact the case.
Family pictures came and passed and I realized that day that I had forgot Ethan bear at home. So now our family picture is ruined in my mind. It doesn't mean they won't be treasured.
But I feel like I forgot him, and how do you forget your child? It’s not like I had to dress him and make sure he got in the car buckled up. I feel like the worst mom right now and now our family picture is even more incomplete than it already was in the first place.
I am having a hard time with the fact my third baby should be 4 soon. It makes me a little sick to know I don't get to hear him call me mom, that he would be in kindergarten soon and I don’t get that time with him. Milestones don’t end at the grave site I am missing so much.
So that started the brewing of emotions these past few weeks.
Then the holidays are coming and I don't have family nearby, I miss Ethan, and if I have to watch that stupid "Silent Night" Pampers commercial one more time I may just lose it. Silent night, sleeping babies in heavenly peace is more than I can take.
Then my brother wrote to me telling me how sorry he was for old childhood stuff that's silly and I am not mad at him for. However, it dug up past hurtful stuff with my stepfather.
Then guilt, shame, resentment and flat out confusion on why I am on this earth have set in. All these things that pop up and make me feel like the biggest failure. I allowed a man to molest me as a child for 3 years, I couldn't save my own child from death, my father ran out on me and has chosen to not have me in his life.
I have to admit I feel a bit abandoned and I can't climb over it right now, I am ready to hide in a hole until I can feel better. But I can't I have 5 kids who need me and I am a wife. I can't run away and if I did I might very well just be running from myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like this is bigger than me and I don't know where to turn.
I question why all these things have happened to me. Sure let my childhood play out the way it did, ok fine I can handle that. But letting my child die hurts more than I can tell anyone. Then to top it off without having the one thing I need and want sometimes as a girl, my father and I can't have that. I'll never be good enough and he doesn't love me enough. I must have done something wrong to make him be that way. I didn't chose to be born and his child but he gets to chose to walk out.
I want more than anything to be scooped up held and yes I am 30. I am a grown woman but I need it sometimes. Physically.
I don't know how as a 30 something year old woman I can still feel like a hurt child. Not having a father in my life that loves me is another loss and I have to learn to grieve and move on with.
With what steps I am not sure, how long I don't know. But the one thing I do know is I want to be able to forgive my father for not loving me the way I want to be loved, for not telling me he loves me and for leaving me. I want it so bad. But I am so hurt I don't know how to have that.
When I look at my kids or I see other parents hug, hold their children especially adult children. I want to find a corner and hide. Because, I am jealous. I want that too.....
And when I hold, love, or comfort my children I get angry that I was never important enough to receive that from my earthly father. I am lost on what I have done to make this be my life, or what it is about me that makes me so un-loveable. What have I done so bad or at all even to have a father such as mine? My father knows nothing about me other than I am a grown woman with 5 children. He doesn't know we are adopting, my favorite food, that we own a home, that I hate most things/physical traits about myself, that I miss Ethan more than anything in this life other than having him in mine.
I lost Ethan, he was taken from me and I can't get him back. Yet I stand as a firm, healthy, happy (for the most part), successful child of God. And my dad doesn't want a thing to do with that.
And coming from a life without a father I know how horrible, gut wrenching and life altering it is for a girl not to have an earthy father. I wish these men could see how much they are impacting these children who will grow to be women and how vital their role is in our lives. I wonder if he (my dad) knew this if it would change the choice he has made.
God should be enough and I know that. But right now I am not in that place where I can. And how do I get past that desire of having parents who want me? And I mean really want me, not just get stuck with me.
And I don't feel good enough for God. I try my best to lead a life like Jesus. Give all I can, be genuine and care about those less fortunate, give of my time and soul, love those around me, all those things and not for anything in return, not to get into heaven but because I want to be like him. And yet I feel so far from that.
I don't raise my hand in worship at church because I am afraid I look silly and he will think what the heck is she doing?
And honestly I know that realistically this is all crap but I am here now and I need for it to pass somehow.
I just really miss Ethan and I guess I am grieving a lost childhood myself.
It's been a week of pure emotional torture. Thank God for putting Flatirons into my life, without this church/home I would be so much more lost than I am.
I attended church services twice this week and each time cried, I attended the worship concert in hopes it would refresh and quench my soul.
I think I managed to get a step further ahead in my grief today but I am still hurting. I wish the pain was easier to hide, but it isn't. Today at the services no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears. And where I made progress is I didn't worry this time about everyone around me and how my crying would be taken. I am sure I wasn't the only one either.
When the songs at the end of service were sung, I cried hard, and I held hard onto hope that someday, I can be enough for him and that God can be all I need and it will comfort and satisfy my heart and soul.
I think the hardest part is I believe God I know what he has spoken and he has chosen me, but I just want that touch so bad.
You know you have had more than you can handle with life when you just want to get away, sadly I can't get away from myself. And I can't just hide in bed all day I have 5 kids but right now I need something. It's not that I am scared of hurting myself at all I am just at the end of my emotional rope for a week. I need to feel refreshed and joy and know what the heck all this emotional torture this week is about.
I am feeling down that I have no family nearby and that we will spend Thursday alone this week. Not that thanksgiving is that important to me. But Guy is on call and so more than likely I will be home alone for the first time on a holiday so maybe that’s partly what this is about. Dreading the holidays this year, being upset that my dad is who he is, and I miss Ethan, grief workshop last week was rough.
Rough because of all the suicides, I've been there it's been about two years to this time that I held tightly to a bottle of sleeping pills trying to gain the strength to take the whole darn bottle so I wouldn't wake up. Life hurt too much and I felt so alone, as I normally do but I didn’t have Jesus in my life as strong as I do now. And I didn't know how to cope. Death seemed so much more comforting. So I think the grief workshop kind of triggered this grief a little more than I already was dealing with. I've never been honest with myself how much I was hurting and all the times growing up I cut myself or took that bottle of aspirin one time, lesson learned there and I won't do that again. But I felt for all those people who took their lives…. I've been to that point of hurt and I am not sure what stopped me. Then a little sad for all those loved ones dealing with the aftermath of their lost loved ones. I always wondered if I died if anyone would care. Not that I need to think of that now.