Thursday, August 27, 2009

Letting Go

This week has been a rough week, but not a bad week by any means. I had grief counseling Tuesday and we worked on rough stuff. I'm glad I did though it needs to be done.

My counselor will be leaving for a few weeks at first I was nervous Iv seen her once a week for 4 months now and I know its not a long time but Iv shared more of my life with her than I have with anyone over years and years. I feel like she is my best friend or the big sister I never had. But then I came to terms with it and realized after seconds that it really was ok I was just having a panic moment.

Then my parents decided they are moving to Nebraska and well even though life with family has never been perfect its still my family and we have all lived not more than 20 minutes away in my entire life. And now hours away. Which is fine I think I will be ok with it after the shock settles in next week when they leave.

But my mom and step dad moving presented new challenges as they watched my kids during my weekly counseling visits. And now I have no one, I tired and Guys work schedule really sucks and is not flexible.

So it is what it is and Iv decided since I wont see her for a few weeks anyways, its time to just come to terms with it all anyways. I cant do anything until Oct if not later because I have no one near by that I trust with my kids. So I guess its another thing in life that we just deal with.

But this is the hard part for me, it feels like another loss really and I know its crazy. But here I found an amazing person I can tell the inner most me to and now I wont have that.
I am left alone once again, but it really is the way my life works. I can go back at some point I'm sure but I just feel like I'm putting myself through torture of saying goodbye and then going back to saying goodbye again. I hate goodbye. Thank God I didn't know my life was going to take this turn on tuesday because I would have been a mess.

Iv had tons of people and great ones too come in and out of my life, leaving their footprints on my heart.

I guess it just sucks because I'm tired of being left with that. I'm sick of saying goodbye to people who fill a special place in my heart. And I know I'm so good at thinking the worst and allowing it to bring me down so much.

But Ethan has taught me about the importance of people and life and to treasure it because tomorrow it could be gone.

I HATE that about life, I wish there was a guarantee. Stupid I know. I just had to say goodbye to so much in life in general and I don't want to have to anymore.

I know it will take a few weeks of tears and tissues but Ill be ok. This is the way life works it sucks, but hopefully I will be able to meet amazing people I can connect with other than over the Internet.

So Rae,
Thank you so much for all you have done for me, shared with me, allowed me to share with you and the tears. I think Iv been to hell and back with you so to speak. Thank you for picking me up when I fell or at least helped me up. You helped me step outside of my confort zone and learn to be totally vunerable and that it was ok. Now I love yoga and pilates who knew.
I can never even begin to tell you what you mean to me and how much of an impact you have made on my life. If I can be even half the counselor you are then I will have achieved something great. Ill never forget you.

Ok and now I'm really going to put myself out there and Iv never done this. I scared and I feel sick but I will do it because this isn't as bad as the whole story, in which I will not put out there on the Internet.

But at 10 yrs old my stepfather started to molest me and it lasted for a few years. After losing Ethan and coming to the term loss in my life, and through talking with my counselor I realized the man I thought I should forgive I couldn't possibly do so. So now my life has this tangled web of stuff surrounding the incest that I'm facing and dealing it. Most of the time I'm ok and I can do it just fine, others I realize just how much pain this man has caused me and how much of my life he has stolen.

So we had started working on that in counseling and I'm glad I did now I will take this journey some what alone, which is ok I'm doing a workbook book that I like and I will just keep plugging away at that. Its a good book if your ever interested in the title just ask.

But the hard part comes is I was asked if Id attend a support group and I feel so sick to my stomach even thinking about it and I just cant do it. Id love to but this is one thing I don't think I can nor do I want to do alone.

Most people that know me know Iv delt with most stuff in life alone. Ethan's death for the first year I was able to do alone. But the levels the two fall on are so unique and different its complicated.

I don't want to sit in a room and feel sorry for myself, I don't want other people asking me questions and having to say I cant do it yet. I don't want to have other people sit and tell me its ok when its not ok right now. I don't want people to tell their story when I cant even tell mine.
I don't want to sit and feel so alone in a group of people with such emotion. I don't want to deal with the pain that will be brought up in these meetings alone, even if I had counseling I don't want to sit with it until the next meeting. I know I'm being a pain but I just don't want to take that part of the journey alone, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I do however want to be emotionally free from all of this I want to gain better control of my life and take it back from him. So Id love to meet someone and chat and share our story's and maybe go to a group with someone. Someday right?

Now on to something else I'm so passionate about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I'm so very happy and lucky to be able to be a part of this amazing organization. I realized on the 23rd of this month Iv been doing sessions for 2 months for them. And yesterday I did two sessions both equally heartbreaking but one I was able to share Ethan with just a little. That's a part I love so much I can give so much purpose to Ethan's life by doing this for other parents.

This is something I will continue to absorb myself into.

So if your a parent Iv done pictures for thank you so much for allowing me into your life at such an emotional time I'm so glad you invited me in. Your angels will always hold a spot in my heart. If your reading this and ever want to chat Ill sit and listen all day about your Angel Id love to.

Also I'm looking to a child loss support group here in Co, so if anyone here goes to one and wants to share the info maybe we could go together.

I think I have a huge heart. I hold a ton of room for a ton of special people.

Here's to Letting go and to what tomorrow will bring!

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