Monday, August 10, 2009


I'm following Angie's blog and it linked to another blog. They are talking about what encourages you and I decided Id go for it and write about what encourages me.

I think in the past 18 months my life has been tossed around so much and yet Iv learned so much through tragedy.

I'm not sure I ever thought it would be possible for life to continue after learning we lost our son. On February 12th, 2008, I thought life as I knew it had ended and I refused for life to go on.

Silly I know it had to right? Well it didn't other than walking through the days. I didn't live and I didn't care.

In March of this year I met an amazing person who I will call my Earthly Angel, who has helped me live again. And learn to live fully. After losing my son I never thought I could be happy again, and I didn't want to at that. All I could think of was how on earth can I live without him? If I go on with life then it means I'v forgotten him.

The most profound moment in my life since losing Ethan was her tears, one of the first times I sat and talked to her, it was the hug Iv been waiting for since I lost Ethan. Her continued tears helps me live and know I'm not as alone as Iv felt all these years.

I have been told losing Ethan was for a purpose and hearing that simply made me mad. But now I realize all that my son has given me by his short and brief life, in which only I truly knew him. Sure my husband loved and cared for him but only I got to bond with him, the rest of the world had to say hello and goodbye with nothing more.

I got to remember the kicks, the hiccups and the beat of his heart next to mine.

After our next child was born and the baptism drew near, I found myself frantic. I didn't know how I was going to get through this. I was still mad and hurt that my son was taken from me and I somehow had to put my faith into God again, which I didn't think was possible. I couldn't just not baptise him all of the other boys even Ethan were baptised.

Until this point I couldn't do it I had been so angry at God for this. I didn't understand, and I don't think I wanted to.

When we talked of Corbin's up coming baptism I decided it was time to let go of the anger and hurt and trust in the Lord that everything is for a reason and maybe it wasn't his reason and maybe he had nothing to do with it. I decided to help let him steer the wheel in my life.

I decided to for the first time in my life dedicate my life to our Lord, and I was baptised with my son. And what a magical experience that was. Here I was 27 years old and finally doing it. I had waited all my life for this and because of Ethan I finally did it. I'm sure without him I never would have been baptised. I was too embarrassed that my parent's didn't baptise me when I was younger.

Because of all this my life has been transformed. I am no longer this angry, hurt person. Sure pain is still there, the longing for my son will never go away until I can hold him again.

But I'm a survivor.. in more ways than one. Iv lived through abuse physical, emotional and sexual. Iv lived through years of pain and then the ultimate losing my son.

And here at 28 years old I'm actually living life to its fullest. Because of Ethan, because of my Earthly Angel, because of my passion to make a difference in the lives of others if only for today.

Because of Ethan the meaning of life has been transformed from the old meaning. Which was to get married, have kids, live life and be happy. Now I want my children to learn all about life and be able to give back as well. Its the most selfless, thing out there.

I'm following one of my dreams that I never thought possible.

I'm a professional photographer since June of this year. Its going amazing and Iv learned so much from myself and what I'm capable of. And that's a lot. Self doubt has always held me back.

I'm an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, I never in a million years thought I would be able to give back to the world in such a way. I never thought I'd be able to face such pain and tragedy in the face as I am now.

Now I can give Ethan's life some purpose. I know I wouldn't be doing this had God not given me the opportunity to meet Ethan.
The calls are never easy and the pain I see in the parents face is sometimes enough to bring me to my knees. But I know that today might be my last, and why not make it count.

I'm learning to love and let go. My heart is more open that its ever been and I like to consider myself a pretty loving, caring person. But now it' so much different. I can love without expecting anything back.

I really...really love my children here on earth, without a doubt I treasure them every single second that I'v been given with them.

I can help other people who are walking down this very lonely path in life.

Im learning Im worth it.

Hearing, reading & seeing other people do amazing things encourages me.

There is no one simple thing other than life, and other people making a profound difference in lives of others. That's what moves/encourages me.

To know I only really am guaranteed this moment in life and I can change the world if I allow myself to. That's what really encourages me.

None of this may have made sense to anyone but me but I hope it has. I don't think I can possibly come up with a single thing to describe what encourages me.


  1. Angela, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I lost a baby to miscarriage at six weeks and can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose one you've actually held in your arms. I appreciate your courage in sharing your pain, as well as your healing, with us. I'm praying for you right now as I type these words...
    Holley - (in)courage

  2. Thank you Holley it means a lot that you actually read it I didnt think it would get read with all that was submitted