Thursday, August 27, 2009


Ok so the day is done and I can actually sit back and reflect on today and all that seems to be going on in my life.

Im a little sad my mom will be moving although we have not had the best relationship things have been better the past yr. And now Im even more alone than Iv ever been in my life. Sure there is a phone call that can be made daily, we do that now. But really I cant just call her up to hang out or come over or even go to the store with me. I literally have no one but my husband, and I love him dearly dont get me wrong he is my best friend.

But sometimes a girl just wants to be with another female. And other than him I have one other really good friend and she is busy with 3 kids too and lives a good distance away. We text all the time but Im hoping we can talk on the phone more often than texting. I guess I dont feel sorry for myself I just think Im rather pathetic. Iv been so wrapped up in making sure I create a great life for my children and then dealing with life's greatest loss, that I really have no one.

Im not even sure how someone goes about making new friends. That makes me feel even worse. I have a few numbers from a few couples we met at a couples workshop, but ahh picking up the phone and calling is pretty scary. Im going to look like the crazy girl with no friends. Ok all joking aside its true.

The past 4 months Iv been able to find me again and I missed her a lot, I dont know if that will make sense to a soul but me but its true.

Now as far as counseling Im still pretty bummed about it Iv wanted to pick up my workbook all day but figure why should I? Maybe doing this alone will make things tougher than I want or even need right now. And I know if I pick it up Ill just plow through it. I already did one of the chapters last night.

Im sad I never got to hug her and say thank you in person and even a goodbye. Im not a shy person when it comes to those things I hate doing it in email. Id much rather be able to feel like i have closure and I dont have that. Such is life though.

But talking about counseling brings up something else. Talking to a friend today when she said she understood how hard this is but that your not suppose to get attached. She was right Im seriously pathetic. I don't know how people interact with people daily and make a connection and not get attached. Its not the seeing her weekly but the never seeing her again, that's hard. She made me laugh, cry, bring out the real me, and even explore the real me and learn things I never knew or thought possible.

Your just suppose to walk away and write it off to an experience I guess. And yet I am not that way at all. I don't write people off usually at all, unless given a very good reason and even then Iv been such a sucker in life until recently. I have not been able to do that.

Now looking back on my writing earlier it makes me feel like a fool. And yes this is the Angela that is possibly being hard on herself. But I don't think so this time. I mean really who gets attached to their counselor? Most people hate counselor or at least people I know.

Im so glad I met her but really maybe I should have seen a male to begin with. That way I would have never made a connection and saying thank you and goodbye would have been cake. This on the other hand is hell.

We are going camping this weekend and Im looking forward to it but not at the same time. Im leaving my little one behind and if you know me, my other two didn't stay overnight even with family until they were 2. He is 6 months I win the bad mommy of the yr award. Im going to miss him like crazy and the mommy guilt is already setting in. Ill be a wreck tomorrow dropping him off.

But it will be nice to have some out door time and be able to just sit, think and reflect on life. And the camera is coming too of course. I need inspiration.

I guess Ill call it a night

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