Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another day in the book of hell

Against all I ever stood for I decided to agree to see someone other than my counselor and see if maybe some anti-depressants would give me some much needed relief, and allow me sometime to just feel better in general.

So I went in today to a referred psycharist and it went over as one of the worst days in my life.

I went in alone even though I was scared as hell. My legs even hurt tonight from keeping so tense the whole time. He was nice Ill give him that, Im glad I was able to get over that one fear. He was gental so to speak.

But then my life headed in another downward spiral. One of my worst fears prior to finding my counselor is someone dismissing my son for nothing and that my grief was not approiate.

When we started talking about Ethan he said he didnt understand why Im so attached to Ethan. I tried explaining he was my son, how could I not be. And he made the statement that I never knew Ethan outside the womb. I never got to know him, so why? and at one point made a referance to miscarriages. Iv had multiple miscarriages so dont take what Im saying as anything more than my own selfish pain. It sucks all of my miscarriages sucked. But they were so much different than Ethan. I could see, hold, touch, caress his features. I had to give birth to him knowing he was going to be dead.

And regardless of not getting to know him he was still our son. He will always be our son. I cant but help think if I felt any different what kind of person would I be.

I lost it my world came crumbling down hard. Someone discounted this little soul for all he was and should have been.

Now I know he may not have ment it as it came across, but I cant imagine telling someone who lost a child at any stage that their attachment didnt make sense.

Now if I was insane and off my rocker and doing crazy ass things I would understand him saying its not normal.

But to tell me my grief for the son we waited for, wished for, tried for years for isnt acceptable. Just pushed me over the edge I climbed up days ago.

I felt like saying thanks a lot I came here to feel better and in fact the hundred and fifty dollars later you made me feel so much worse.

When you lose a child no matter how much later I know of people that still years later question themselves and here I am all over again wondering if Im normal or not?


  1. I am sorry that this happened Angela! You were supposed to go there for support and to feel better about things, not feel worse. There is nothing wrong with loving Ethan and mising him. I miss him, and I didn't know him the way you did. Big hugs! I am so sorry!

  2. Oh no Angela! I can't believe someone implied that your grief for Ethan was exaggerated or not appropriate! How awful! You KNEW Ethan, he was part of you and grew inside of you, you were bonded as tightly as any mother and son, and still are! The pain you feel is normal, and expected, and is powerful proof of your never ending love for your child. ((hug))

  3. Thanks girls

    Katie I was so taken back and felt like shit after he said that. Now Im being told he feels horrible it was more of a question. But I think he needs to know that he asked it in the worst way possible.

    I mean to tell me that I never got to know Ethan so I shouldnt be attached to him, like my other kids. Was appaling.

    It hurts to know that other people dont consider him a person.

  4. OMG I cried reading these last few post. Angela I think about you so often, it's funny how you may not know everything about someone until you read into the diary or blog. Thank you for sharing this with me and with everyone.

  5. Stephanie,
    your right this is the window into my life I guess so to speak I know I seem so strong and brave but somedays I just want my son back and someone to yell, cry with me and hold me.